UNIVERS.lY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  SAN  DIE60 
LA  JOLLA,  CALIFORNIA 


3  1822  01178  9039 


THERE'S    NO    BASE 
LIKE    HOME 


JJJJ  -rs',  ... . 


"Mrs.  Bloom  says  I  am  the  luckiest  guy  in  the  world 
to  have  a  wife  like  Jeanne — and  if  I  bust  it  all  up  now,  I 
am  a  bigger  boob  than  she  thought  I  was." 


THERE'S  NO  BASE 
LIKE  HOME 

BY 
H.  C.  .WITWER 


ILLUSTRATED 

BY 
ARTHUR  WILLIAM  BROWN 


GARDEN   CITY  NEW   YORK 

DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 
1920 


COPYRIGHT,  1920,  BY 
DOtTBLEDAY.  PAGE  *  COMPANY 

ALL  RIGHTS   RESERVED,  INCLUDING  THAT  OF  TRANSLATION 
INTO   FOREIGN  LANGUAGES.  INCLUDING  THE  SCANDINAVIAN 

COPYRIGHT,  1919,  1920,  BY  P.  F.  COLLIER  &  SON,  INC.,  IN  THE 
UNITED  STATES,  GREAT  BRITAIN,  AND  CANADA 


"  Dedicated  in  gratitude  to 
CHARLES  AGNEW  MACLEAN, 
a  beaucoup  editor  and  a 
beaucoup  guy ! " 

— H.  C.  W. 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I .     THERE'S  No  BASE  LIKE  HOME     ...  3 

IE .     SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER 35 

m.     A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T 61 

IV.  -So  THIS  Is  CINCINNATI! 92 

•V.     THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS      ....  126 

VI .     THE  FREEDOM  OP  THE  SHES    ....  156 

VII .     A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES 187 

VIII .     THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS     ....  222 

IX .     THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS    ....  260 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 

"  Mrs.  Bloom  says  I  am  the  luckiest  guy  in 

the  world  " Frontispiece 

FACING  PAGE 

"  I  counted  all  the  balls  hit  to  you  "       .      .  16 

"  Someone  is  standin'  in  the  doorway  gazin' 

at  me"    . 48 

"  What  the what  does  this  here  mean?"  88 

"'Send  him  in!'  I  hollers" 176 

"  *  No/ 1  says, '  I  ain't  Douglas  Fairbanks '  "  192 

"  Gazin'  at  those  two  dames  in  one  room  is 

too  much  for  a  weak  heart "  .      .      .      .  208 

"  I  decided  to  make  the  best  of  it "  .  224 


THERE'S    NO    BASE 
LIKE    HOME 


CHAPTER  I 
THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

FIRST  INNING 

Alongside  of  the  Hudson 's  River,  N.  Y. 
DEAR  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  we  have  got  off  to  a  start  as  you  have 
prob'ly  -no  doubt  seen  by  the  papers  and  win  the 
first  game  of  the  season  by  trimmin'  the  Robins 
with  the  ridiculous  ease.  Even  if  the  thing  did  go 
sixteen  innin's  and  the  score  was  only  1  to  0  and 
we  got  that  run  hi  the  last  frame  by  way  of  a  wild 
pitch,  that's  the  same  as  if  we  win  by  749  to  0,  be 
cause  we  win  it  and  that's  all  that  counts,  hey, 
Joe?  Them  guys  got  eleven  hits  off  of  me  and 
you  can  see  I  must  of  got  terrible  support  or  that 
never  would  of  happened.  If  it  wasn't  for  my 
almost  unhuman  control  in  the  pinches  and  makin* 
the  batter  act  like  a  armless  wonder  when  they  was 
a  runner  on  the  base,  we  would  prob'ly  of  lost  the 
game,  because  whenever  they  was  a  ball  hit  to  the 
infield  them  birds  all  acted  like  it  was  against  the 
law  to  touch  it  and  it  made  the  game  more  inter- 
estin'  to  have  the  bases  loaded. 

3 


4        THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

I  was  give  a  great  reception,  Joe,  when  I  strolled 
out  to  the  box  in  a  nonchalantly  way  and  waved 
my  cap  right  and  left  to  my  25,000  to  30,000 
frantic  followers  and  I  bet  if  even  Pres.  Wilson  had 
walked  across  the  field  right  then  he  would  of 
attracted  no  more  attention  than  a  drop  of  water 
at  Niagara  Falls.  They  was  manys  the  loud  cry 
for  a  speech  and  I  got  all  set  right  in  front  of  the 
boxes  to  let  one  forth  when  Mac  grabs  me  by  the 
arm  and  says  this  is  gonna  be  a  ball  game  and  not 
a  banquet  and  I  had  better  go  back  to  the  bull  pen 
and  warm  up  so's  the  Robins  wouldn't  get  no  more 
than  hah*  a  dozen  hits  each  off  of  me. 

"Listen!"  I  says.  "You  wanna  remember  this 
here  will  be  the  first  real  game  I  pitched  for  nearly 
two  years  and  if  them  guys  does  luck  themselves 
into  a  run  or  so,  don't  blame  it  on  me.  I  always 
was  a  slow  starter  anyways." 

"You  said  it!"  says  Mac,  with  a  sarcastical 
sneer.  "It  used  to  generally  be  the  first  week  in 
December  before  you  got  goin*  at  all  and  what  good 
is  a  inshoot  then?" 

Joe,  can  you  tie  that?  This  bird  would  find 
fault  with  a  ten  thousand  dollar  bill,  hey? 

Well,  yesterday  mornin'  I  am  up  in  my  flat,  Joe, 
engaged  in  the  innocent  pastime  of  play  in'  with  my 
baby  whilst  Jeanne  looks  on  with  a  lovin'  smile  on 
her  equally  lovin'  face  and  a  book  by  the  name  of 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME        5 

"The  Whole  English  Language  in  One  Lesson"  in 
her  hand,  when  they's  a  ring  at  the  bell.  Our  im 
ported  maid  from  Yonkers  trips  lightly  over  a  rug 
into  the  room  and  exclaims  that  they's  a  guy  out 
side  by  the  name  of  Mac  which  wishes  nothin' 
better  than  to  see  me.  I  give  permission  for  him 
to  come  in. 

"  Well,  well,"  he  says,  lettin'  forth  a  grin.  "The 
happy  family,  hey?  How  is  everybody  this 
mornin'?" 

"What's  the  use  of  kickin'?"  I  says.  "What 
d'ye  think  of  my  child  ?  " 

"  Fine ! "  says  Mac.    "  What  is  it?  " 

"What  d'ye  mean  what  is  it?"  I  hollers.  "It's  a 
baby — what  did  you  think  it  was,  a  giraffe?" 

"I  mean  is  it  a  boy  or  a  girl,"  says  Mac.  "Save 
that  comedy  for  the  club  house." 

"It's  a  boy,"  I  says.  "Some  kid,  hey?" 

"I'll  say  he  is!"  says  Mac,  approachin'  carefully 
like  he  was  afraid  my  baby  was  gonna  bite  him  or 
the  like.  "Looks  just  like  his  mother,  too.  Get 
them  navy  blue  eyes,  eh?" 

"Never  mind  tryin'  to  get  in  solid  with  the 
wife!"  I  says,  whilst  Jeanne  presents  him  with  a 
dazzlin'  smile.  "  D'ye  wanna  hold  him  a  minute?  " 

"Well — eh — let's  start  with  somethin' else, "  says 
Mac,  backin'  away.  "He  seems  all  right  where 
he  is,  I'll  let  that  part  of  it  go  for  awhile,  hey?" 


6        THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"Chert,  say  bon  jour  to  Monsieur  Mac!"  re 
marks  Jeanne  to  my  baby. 

"Ump  goof  waugh  gunko!"  returns  my  baby, 
with  a  sarcastical  grin. 

"Don't  mention  it,"  says  Mac.  "Say — that 
kid's  a  wonder!  Talks  as  plain  as  I  do.  How  old 
is  it  by  now?" 

"What's  the  difference?"  I  says.  "Did  you 
wanna  see  me  about  somethin'?" 

"  Yeh, "  says  Mac.     "Put  on  your  hatandcoat." 

"I  ain't  drinkin'  a  thing,"  I  says.     "And " 

"I  want  you  to  come  out  to  the  park  with  me  for 
about  a  hour,"  he  interrupts.  "I  have  got  hold 
of  a  bird  which  I  can  buy  cheap  from  Buffalo  and 
I  gotta  get  him  quick  if  at  all.  I  wanna  short 
flash  at  him  at  work — he's  gotta  be  back  there 
to-night.  Of  course,  I  won't  have  much  time  to 
see  whether  he's  worth  a  cigar  coupon  or  a  fistful  of 
diamonds,  but  if  he  shows  me  anything  at  all,  I'm 
gonna  take  him  along.  He's  a  infielder  by 
nationality  and  maybe  I  can  put  him  on  second 
next  year  instead  of  Watson." 

"What  are  you  gonna  do  with  Watson?"  I 
says.  "I  thought  he  was  the  same  to  the  club  as 
the  franchise." 

"He's  slippin'  fast,"  says  Mac.  "He's  commen- 
cin'  to  field  like  they  was  lovin'  cups  give  to  the 
guy  which  made  the  most  errors  a  game  and  he 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME        7 

ain't  hit  nothin*  but  four  fouls  since  he  come  down 
to  the  trainin'  camp.  They's  a  good  livin'  in  one 
of  them  little  cigar  stores  or  the  like — that's  up  to 
him!" 

Joe,  ain't  that  tough?  As  soon  as  a  guy  begins 
to  show  the  first  signs  of  wear  they  start  greasin'  up 
the  old  skids  for  him.  Such  is  life  in  baseball,  hey, 
Joe?  To-day  you're  a  knockout,  to-morrow  you're 
a  tramp!  If  you  rap  out  a  triple,  the  mob  is 
willin*  to  elect  you  mayor — if  you  fan  the  next 
time  up,  the  bleachers  turns  into  a  coupla  thousand 
would  be  murderers.  Joe,  wouldn't  it  be  awfully 
if  I  begin  to  slip  and  let  clubs  like  the  Cards  trim 
me?  I  often  wish  now  that  I  had  took  up  the 
delicatessen  game  or  the  movies  or  the  like  for  a 
livin'  and  not  have  to  caper  around  a  lot  all  day  for 
money  like  a  idiot,  hey,  Joe? 

Well*  anyways,  me  and  Mac  climbed  aboard  my 
new  auto  which  I  now  drive  the  same  as  Barney 
Oldfield — as  good,  but  not  as  fast — and  outside 
of  one  traffic  cop  givin'  me  a  five  minute  lecture  on 
the  subject  of  "Keep  To  the  Right!"  and  a  motor 
cycle  cop  showin'  unusual  curiousity  regardin'  the 
reason  why  my  motor  was  smokin',  we  got  out  to 
the  park  O.  K.  They  was  three  or  four  of  the 
gang  there  and  also  this  here  find  of  the  season 
which  was  in  uneyform.  Joe,  he  was  as  big  as 
Willard,  with  one  of  them  fat,  good  natured  faces 


8        THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

which  a  bartender  was  supposed  to  have,  but  I  only 
seen  one  like  that  in  my  life  and  he  was  the  guy 
which  owned  the  place.  Well,  Joe,  Mac  calls  him 
over. 

"This  here's  Ed.  Harmon,"  he  says  to  him. 
"What  did  you  claim  your  name  was?" 

"Ike  Rosconovitzman, "  he  says,  grinnin'  like  a 
wolf,  and  shovin'  out  a  paw  as  big  as  South 
Dakota.  "Well,  natural  I'm  glad  I  should  shake 
hands  from  Harmon,  which  who  don't  heard  tell 
of  him?" 

"That  Rosconovitzman  thing  has  got  to  go," 
says  Mac.  "It's  too  long!  How  could  we  ever 
get  a  trade  mark  like  that  into  a  box  score?  If 
you  work  for  me  we'll  call  you  Ike  Ross  and  let 
it  go  at  that,  get  me!" 

"  I  should  change  my  name ! "  says  Ike.  "  What 
am  I — a  actor  oder  a  ball  player?" 

"  I  don't  know, "  says  Mac.  "  We'll  get  that  all 
settled  in  a  minute !  Let's  see  how  you  and  a  bat 
get  along." 

Well,  Joe,  Smith  gets  on  a  glove  and  goes  back  of 
the  plate  and  I  took  off  my  coat  and  vest  and  went 
out  to  the  box.  Ike  Ross,  nee  Rosconovitzman, 
grabs  up  a  bat  and  steps  over  to  the  plate. 

"Gevhalt!"  he  says.  "Only  shoot  it  over  and 
I'll  murder  it  the  ball!" 

Joe,  it  kinda  peeved  me  a  trifle  that  this  here 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME        9 

busher  with  the  trick  name  and  the  Joe  Welsh 
dialect  should  cast  a  reflection  on  my  world  wide 
reputation  as  a  mound  artist,  as  the  young  re 
porters  says,  so  before  I  wound  up  I  looked  him 
over  with  that  deadly  cold  gaze  of  mine  which  has 
quailed  and  flinched  so  many. 

"I  hate  to  send  you  back  to  the  sticks,  busher," 
I  says,  "but  if  you  lay  a  bat  on  this  pill  I'll  shine 
your  shoes  in  front  of  the  city  hall  at  three  o'clock 
to-morrow  afternoon!" 

"Make  it  half  past  two,"  he  says,  rubbin'  his 
hands  in 'the  dirt,  "and  you  could  believe  it,  I'll 
be  there !  If  you  could  make  me  fan,  I  could  make 
it  a  locomotive — not  that  you  ain't  some  pitchers. 
Maybe  the  first  one  I  would  miss  on  account  from 
being  a  little  cold,  but  Oy! — what  I'll  do  to  the 
rest  of  them!  This  here's  a  big  chance  for  me, 
Mister  Harmon.  I  got  it  a  chance  I  should  get  in 
the  big's  league.  It's  next  to  the  biggest  thing 
which  it  ever  happened  from  me  in  my  life.  I 
should  miss  it,  hey?  Say — I'm  laughin'  at  you!" 

"What  was  the  biggest  thing  that  ever  happened 
to  you?"  Mac  asks  him,  grinnin'  at  me. 

Ike  rubs  his  chin  a  minute. 

"Well,"  he  says,  "off  the  hand,  it's  quite  a 
question  to  answer.  Still,  I  think  that  the  biggest 
thing  which  it  ever  happened  from  me  was  the 
day  I  was  born!" 


The  gang  gives  Mac  the  laugh  and  I  shot  over  a 
fast  one  whilst  Ike  was  lookin'  at  him.  He  merely 
sneered  at  it  and  Mac  hollers  for  him  to  take  his 
bat  off  his  shoulder  and  not  act  like  he  was  carryin' 
a  gun  and  if  he  did  think  he  was  to  at  least  come  to 
present  arms  with  it.  I  eased  over  another  one 
and  Ike  missed  it  from  here  to  St.  Paul.  I  put  the 
third  ball  under  his  chin,  Joe,  and  he  swung  at  it 
so  hard  that  he  spin  around  like  a  top  a  coupla 
times  and  wound  up  sittin'  on  the  plate. 

"  Oh,  boy ! "  bawls  Mac,  holdin'  his  nose.  "  Who 
laid  me  on  this  guy?  Bean  him  with  the  next 
one,  Harmon,  and  I'll  send  him  back  to  Buffalo  on  a 
shutter!" 

"What  is  this — Russia?'*  says  Ike,  gettin*  up 
and  dustin'  off  his  uneyform.  "Couldn't  a  man 
get  it  a  chance  here?  Suppose  I  should  miss,  now, 
two  of  them?  That  first  one  was  a  ball  and  I  got 
one  strike  left,  na  ?  That  makes  no  matter  from 
me.  Now — say  they  is  a  man  on  first,  a  man  on 
second,  a  man  on  third,  a  man  on — well,  that's 
enough!  I'm  at  the  bat's.  One  strike  I  got  left. 
If  I  should  rap  it  out  a  hit  now,  the  least  I  bring  in 
is  a  run,  na  f  " 

"  Yeh, "  says  Mac,  "and  if  I  had  Morgan's  bank 
roll  the  least  I  would  be  is  a  millionaire.  You  got 
the  same  chance  of  gettin'  a  hit  on  the  next  ball 
as  I  have  of  bein'  elected  chief  of  police  in  Bulgaria. 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      11 

Take  off  that  uneyform  and  exchange  it  for  the 
gate.  How  I  ever  fell  for  you  is  past  me!" 

"A  minute!"  says  Ike.  "The  contract  was  I 
should  have  it  a  hour  to  show  what  I  got.  Fair  is 
fair  and  right  is  right,  na?  A  man's  word  is  the 
same  like  his  bond.  Do  with  the  others  like  you 
want  they  should  do  from  you.  Don't  kick  a 
man  which  he's  down!  Nobody's  perfect!  For 
give  and  forget !  A  man  which — 

"Half  a  loaf's  better  than  a  charlotte  russe!" 
hollers  Mac,  dancin'  around  him.  "A  rollin' 
stone's  liable  to  hit  somebody!  A  stitch  in  time 
saves  buyin'  a  new  suit!"  He  runs  over  and 
grabs  the  bat  off  of  Ike.  "Shut  up!"  he  bawls. 
"What  d'ye  mean  by  pullin*  that  stuff  on  me? 
I'll  give  you  exactly  a  half  hour  more  to  show  me 
you  ever  seen  a  ball  park  before  you  come  here  to 
day  and  if  you  ain't  a  riot,  I'll  knock  you  kickin' 
with  a  bat  for  wastin*  my  time.  Now  go  to  it  and 
show  me  /" 

Ike  grins  and  reaches  for  another  bat. 

"Fair  enough!"  he  says.  "Oy — what  I  could 
do  it  in  half  a  hour!  Why  would  you  believe  it, 
Mister  Mac,  only  the  other  night  I  win  five  dollars 
in  half  a  hour  from  some  friends  playin'  ten  cent 
draw  poker!" 

"You  win  five  dollars  in  ten  cent  draw,  eh?'* 
sneers  Mac.  "Well,  you  must  of  drawed  a  gun 


12       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

on  them  guys!     C'mon  Harmon,  let  him  have 
it." 

Well,  Joe,  I  let  Ike  have  it  and  to  show  they  was 
no  hard  feelin's  he  let  me  have  it  too !  You  never 
seen  such  a  change  come  over  anything  in  your 
life,  not  even  the  German  army,  as  the  one  that 
took  place  with  this  Ike  guy.  I  felt  kinda  sorry 
for  the  poor  hick  at  first,  because  he  sure  looked 
pitiful  standin'  there  without  a  friend  and  the  gang 
ridin'  him  to  a  fare-thee-well.  Well,  I  thought,  I'll 
ease  one  over  so's  he  can  make  some  kind  of  a 
showin'  before  he  gets  the  gate  and  with  that,  Joe, 
I  shot  him  one  right  in  the  groove.  Joe,  he  put 
it  up  against  the  tobacco  sign  in  right  field  and  the 
bunch  begins  to  ride  me.  I  figure  by  this  time  I 
have  done  all  for  him  that  he  can  expect,  so  I  feed 
him  my  world  famous  slow  drop  next  and  he  lays 
it  in  the  left  field  bleachers.  Joe,  I  am  gettin'  sore 
and  I  give  that  baby  everything  I  got  in  stock  from 
that  wicked  inshoot  of  mine  to  my  notorious 
wiggler,  which  is  as  fast  as  a  frightened  bullet  and 
twists  like  a  epileptic  snake.  Joe,  he  eat  'em  all 
up,  fillin'  the  air  full  of  baseballs  and  Mac  give  a 
sarcastical  grunt  and  asks  me  are  we  room-mates. 
He  even  put  a  wild  pitch  up  against  the  flagpole 
in  deep  centre  and  Smith,  which  was  catchin'  me, 
never  laid  a  finger  on  the  ball  because  none  of  them 
got  that  far.  When  he  slammed  my  lightnin'  out- 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      13 

shoot  so  hard  that  it  must  of  come  down  in  Russia 
for  the  first  bounce,  I  throwed  off  my  glove  and 
quit  and  Mac  tells  him  to  go  out  on  the  lot  with  the 
rest  of  the  gang  and  show  him  a  piece  of  fieldin'. 

Joe,  that  bird  would  never  of  hit  me  as  hard  as 
that  if  I  had  of  been  in  my  baseball  uneyform  in 
stead  of  merely  standin*  there  in  citizen's  life 
clothes,  because  I  am  what  they  call  a  artist  and 
cannot  pitch  my  best  unless  everything  is  just  so 
so  and  besides  they  was  no  crowd  there  cheerin'  me 
on  or  yellin'  for  me  to  be  took  out  of  the  box  one  or 
the  other  and  that  slowed  me  up  too.  Any  guy 
which  is  what  they  call  a  artist,  Joe,  can  tell  you  the 
same  thing.  They  is  a  thing  which  is  knowed  among 
us  great  men  as  temperamental  and  I  was  took 
with  a  sudden  stroke  of  it  or  that  guy  would  never 
of  laid  his  bat  within'  telephone  distance  of  the  ball. 

Well,  Joe,  we  all  took  turns  rappin'  out  balls  to 
him  in  the  field  and  if  he  was  good  with  the  old 
wagon  tongue,  he  was  a  fiend  when  it  come  to 
fieldin'.  He  was  faster  on  his  feet  than  a  rabbit, 
and  as  for  a  thro  win'  arm — Oh,  boy!  Joe,  he 
snapped  one  from  second  to  me  and  I  thought 
they  was  a  motor  in  it  from  the  way  it  sounded 
goin'  past  my  ear.  Before  I  could  raise  a  glove 
to  it,  it  was  bouncin'  off  the  side  of  the  dugout. 
Mac  sent  in  some  other  guys  to  work  out  with  him 
so's  he  wouldn't  feel  lonesome  and  as  far  as  fieldin' 


14       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

was  concerned  them  guys  could  of  started  a  crap 
game,  because  Ike  never  give  them  a  chance.  He 
covered  more  ground  than  the  prohibition  move 
ment  and  if  Ty  Cobb  could  of  seen  this  bird  work 
he  would  of  gone  to  the  nearest  drug  store  and 
took  a  seidel  of  arsenic  from  plain  jealousy.  Joe, 
he  missed  a  odd  one  now  and  then  or  he  would  of 
been  unhuman,  but  he  give  a  exhibition  of  the 
game  of  baseball  all  by  himself  out  there  that 
would  make  Eddie  Collins  look  like  a  busher. 

"This  guy's  a  gold  mine!"  Mac  whispers  to  me. 
"He'll  be  the  talk  of  the  country  in  a  coupla  weeks 
and  so  will  I  for  diggin*  him  up.  Why  they  won't 
be  nothin'  |  on  the  front  page  of  the  papers  but 
his  pictures  and  the  like  and  they'll  run  what's 
happenin'  in  the  rest  of  the  world  in  the  adver- 
tisin*  section.  He's  got  Watson's  job  sewed  in  the 
linin*  of  his  vest  now  and  I  only  hope  he  won't 
ask  for  a  cut  of  the  Liberty  Loan  to  go  to  work  for 
me.  If  I  got  to  do  it  though,  I'll  give  him  the 
club  house  and  the  grandstand  to  get  him  to  try 
out  a  f  ountain  pen  on  the  bottom  of  a  contract ! " 

With  that  he  yells  for  Ike  to  come  in. 

"C'mere!"  says  Mac,  when  Ike  come  grinnin' 
up  to  the  plate,  "and  take  that  simp  look  off 
your  face  whilst  I'm  talkin'  to  you.  I  must  say 
I'm  a  whole  lot  disappointed  after  seein'  you  work. 
I  thought  you  had  some  big  league  stuff  in  you, 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      15 

but  you  got  manys  the  year  to  go  yet  on  what 
you've  showed  to-day.  You  small  time  knockouts 
are  all  alike — world  beaters  with  the  high  school 
boys  and  tramps  when  you  get  in  the  Big  Show. 
However,  I'll  give  you  a  chance,  but  you  got  to 
improve  500  per  cent,  over  your  present  work.  I 
counted  all  the  balls  hit  to  you  and  out  of  thirty- 
six  chances  you  missed  two — that's  terrible!  The 
only  reason  you  got  a  hit  at  all  off  of  Harmon  was 
because  I  told  him  not  to  extend  himself  and  take 
chances  of  hurtin'  his  arm.  If  he  had  really  let 
himself  out  you  would  never  of  put  wood  on  the 
ball,  get  that?" 

"What  else  is  the  matter  from  me?"  says  Ike, 
scratchin'  his  head. 

"I'll  leave  the  bleachers  tell  you  all  about  that 
the  first  time  you  work, "  says  Mac.  "How  much 
dough  do  you  think  you  oughta  get?" 

"Well,"  says  Ike,  "that's  a  question.  How's 
business?" 

"How's  business?"  hollers  Mac.  "Say— how 
long  have  you  been  playin*  professional  baseball 
anyways?" 

"Gevhalt!"  says  Ike.  "You  should  live  that 
long!  I  want  only  I  should  save  enough  money  to 
open  it  a  delicatessen  and  then  I  wouldn't  care  if 
I  never  seen  a  umpire  even  for  the  rest  of  my  life." 
He  begins  waggin'  his  head  from  one  side  to  the 


16       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

other.  "Tsch!"  he  says.  "Baseballs — that's  a 
business!  Strike  one,  strike  two,  he's  out,  he's 
safe,  batters  up,  ball  six,  leave  him  in,  take  him  out, 
kill  the  umpire,  Oy!" 

Me  and  Mac  is  havin'  trouble  with  a  bad  case  of 
the  hystericals  and  fin'ly  Mac  demands  to  know  at 
once  how  much  money  Ike  wants  and  be  done  with 
it. 

"Well,"  says  Ike,  "so's  we  wouldn't  waste  all 
day  with  fighting  and  like  that — how's  six  thou 
sand  a  year?" 

"That's  nice  money,"  says  Mac,  "and  I  bet 
Rockefeller  and  Morgan  hit  around  that  practi 
cally  year  in  and  year  out.  I'll  split  the  difference 
with  you  and  make  it  two  thousand.  C'mon 
down  to  the  office  and  I'll  sign  you  up  before  I 
change  my  mind." 

"Oy!"  hollers  Ike,  speakin*  to  the  flagpole. 
"Two  thousand  a  year?  I'm  laughing  at  you!  A 
conductor  from  a  street  car  gets  two  thousand  a 
year  and  first  crack  at  the  nickels  and  you  want  I 
should  play  baseballs  for  that,  hey?  Either  I  get 
it  six  thousand  or  I  go  back  to  Buffaloes — you 
could  take  it  or  leave  it!" 

"All right, "says  Mac,  turnin'  away,  "I'll leave 
it.  So  long,  Stupid!" 

We  got  about  three  feet  away,  Joe,  when  Ike 
comes  runnin'  and  grabs  Mac  by  the  arm. 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      17 

"Gimme  it  the  papers,"  he  says,  "I'll  sign  'em. 
You  could  take  a  joke,  couldn't  you?" 

Well,  Joe,  we  got  this  here  world  beater  for 
about  the  same  money  the  ground  keeper  gets  and 
I  only  hope  he  don't  turn  out  to  be  a  flash  of  the 
pan.  Mac  had  a  lotta  fun  gettin'  his  release  from 
Buffalo  which  must  of  seen  a  rat  when  he  went 
after  Ike,  because  we  had  to  give  seven  thousand 
dollars  and  two  good  outfielders  to  get  this  two- 
thousand-a-year  champ. 

Well,  bonne  nuit,  as  we  used  to  remark  in  the 
trenches  and  I  hope  things  is  goin'  O.  K.  with  you. 
I  don't  work  again  for  three  days  and  then  I  pitch 
the  first  game  against  the  Phillies.  The  only  one 
of  them  guys  which  will  see  first  base  will  be  the 
bird  which  is  playin'  that  position  for  them,  hey, 
Joe? 

Out  a  common  politeness,  Jeanne  sends  her  love. 
Yours  truly, 

ED.  HARMON.     (The  Extry- 
ordinary  pitcher  de  luxe). 

On  board  the  Amacassett. 
DEAR  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  I  suppose  you  will  think  I  have  went 
to  sea  again  on  account  of  the  name  at  the  top  of 
this  letter,  but  such  is  not  the  case.  I  am  sittin* 
at  my  ease  in  a  Pullman  and  that's  all  Rockefeller 


18       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

could  do,  hey?  It  is  called  the  Amacassett  which 
sounds  like  one  of  them  golf  links,  but  it  is  as  easy 
ridin'  as  a  limousine  and  you  would  never  know 
you  was  on  a  railroad  train  if  it  wasn't  for  the 
engineer  blowin'  the  whistle  from  the  time  to  time, 
prob'ly  to  let  the  conducter  know  he  is  still  on  the 
job.  Right  across  from  me  is  no  less  than  Jeanne 
and  my  baby  and  I  gotta  stand  for  a  lot  of  kiddin' 
on  account  of  draggin'  them  all  over  the  country 
with  me,  but  Joe,  I  would  just  as  soon  leave  my 
pitchin'  arm  home  whilst  I'm  away  as  leave  them. 
What  good  is  it  to  get  married  and  then  become  a 
globe  trotter  for  half  the  year  without  even  a  flash 
at  your  family  except  through  the  mails,  hey,  Joe? 
Besides,  Jeanne  claimed  she  would  leave  me  flat 
and  go  back  to  France  if  I  didn't  bring  her  along  so 
what  can  a  man  do? 

Well,  Mac  double  crossed  me  and  sent  me  in 
against  the  Robins  in  the  last  game,  Joe,  after 
promisin'  he  wouldn't  use  me  'til  we  got  to  Philly. 
I  had  been  up  half  the  night  before  bein*  unable  to 
sleep  'til  I  got  four  aces  or  the  like  and  Joe,  the 
rest  of  the  club  acted  like  they  had  been  up  all 
night,  from  the  first  innin*  on.  Well,  Joe,  the  re 
sult  was  that  the  Robins  went  crazy  in  the  seventh 
innin'  and  they  didn't  have  nothin'  on  me  because 
I  blowed  up  like  a  ammunition  foundry  and  every 
body  on  the  Brooklyn  team  got  a  hit  but  the  owner 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      19 

and  the  guys  in  the  press  box.  When  the  smoke 
cleared  away  they  had  hammered  me  for  six  runs 
and  I  seen  the  rest  of  the  game  from  the  dugout. 

Joe,  Mac  sent  in  Ike  Ross  to  pinch  hit  for  me  in 
the  eighth  with  a  runner  on  first  and  third  and 
that  baby  whaled  the  first  thing  offered  for  his 
inspection  into  the  bleachers,  turnin'  in  the  only 
three  runs  we  got.  From  then  on  the  game  was  a 
I.  W.  W.  affair  with  nothin'  but  strikes  as  far  as  we 
was  concerned  and  we  drop  it,  6  to  3.  Tough, 
hey? 

Mac -didn't  have  much  to  say  about  it,  Joe, 
prob'ly  because  he  knows  I  won't  stand  for  no 
pannin'  no  more  since  I  have  become  famous.  He 
only  remarks  that  a  few  more  blow-ups  like  that 
and  I  will  be  sayin'  "So  this  is  Mobile?"  or  some 
place  like  that. 

"Forget  about  it, "  I  says.  "A  off  day  will  be 
fall  the  best  of  us.  Napoleon  come  out  second  a 
coupla  times,  didn't  he?  Anyways,  we  got  all 
season  yet  and  losin'  one  game  ain't  gonna  take  the 
pennant  away  from  us." 

"No?"  sneers  Mac.  "Well,  losin'  one  game  a 
day  will  do  it!" 

Can  you  tie  that  bird,  Joe?  He's  there  with  a 
answer  to  everything! 

Well,  Joe,  speakin'  of  this  Ike  Ross  guy,  they 
was  a  queer  thing  happened  which  I  am  goin'  to 


tell  you  about  and  which  shows  that  it  takes  a 
long  time  to  get  a  line  on  anything  or  anybody  by 
appearances  and  then  the  chances  are  you  are 
wrong. 

Ike  is  solid  with  the  gang  now,  Joe,  but  when  he 
first  joined  the  club  he  was  about  as  welcome  as 
rheumatism  to  a  clog  dancer.  They  was  quite  a 
few  reasons  for  this,  some  of  which  Ike  caused 
himself  and  some  of  which  he  didn't.  Naturally, 
Joe,  the  guy  which  led  the  offensive  against  Ike  was 
no  less  than  Watson,  which  knowed  Ike  was  gonna 
get  his  job  and  liked  him  accordin'ly.  The  things 
that  baby  put  over  on  Ike  would  of  made  anybody 
on  earth  quit — but  Ike.  They  wasn't  a  minute  of 
the  day  that  Watson  wasn't  tryin'  out  somethin' 
new  to  grab  Ike's  goat,  but  with  all  of  that  he  was 
about  as  successful  as  if  he  was  Congress  and  try- 
in*  to  argy  with  Wilson.  No  matter  what  come 
off,  Ike  would  just  grin  and  let  it  go  at  that  and 
pretty  soon  they  was  few  guys  connected  with  the 
club  that  didn't  think  Ike  was  yellah.  Joe,  even 
the  rubbers  used  to  play  tricks  on  Ike  and  get 
away  with  it. 

He  was  on  the  job  every  day,  Joe,  playin'  his 
usual  gilt  edged  game  whenever  Mac  would  send 
him  in  and  I  know  two  games  that  this  baby 
pulled  outa  the  fire  and  sewed  up  for  us  by  slammin' 
the  pill  into  the  stands  when  they  was  runners  on 


the  bags.  As  soon  as  work  was  over  for  the  day 
he  beat  it  to  his  room  at  the  hotel  and  nobody  ever 
seen  him  'til  the  next  afternoon. 

Joe,  Ike  was  in  a  funny  position.  They  was 
somethin'  like  twenty  thousand  fans  which  went 
cra/y  over  him  every  afternoon  and  yet  that  bird 
didn't  have  one  friend  to  his  name !  I  bet  he'd  of 
give  all  them  cheers  from  bankers,  judges,  actors, 
wealthy  millionaires  and  etc.  for  a  handshake  from 
a  boot-black.  Mac  would  of  parted  with  his  right 
eye  with  the  same  willin'ness  that  he  would  of  give 
up  Ike,  yet  he  never  said  a  pleasant  word  to  him 
and  the  rest  of  the  gang  was  worse.  I  never  seen 
him  spend  a  dime  and  he'd  argy  all  day  over  a 
nickel,  but  when  we  give  the  Red's  Cross  five 
bucks  apiece,  Ike  come  through  with  twenty-five. 
He  always  had  a  roll  on  him  which  would  choke  a 
whole  stable  full  of  horses  and  it  wasn't  long 
before  everybody  on  the  club  owed  him  dough. 
He'd  lend  anybody  anything — at  ten  per  cent 
interest  and  a  promissory  note  that  the  U.  S. 
Supreme  Court  couldn't  bust,  for  security. 

Joe,  they  is  no  quicker  way  on  earth  to  lose  a 
friend  than  to  lend  him  money.  A  guy  may  for 
give  you  for  stealin'  his  girl,  but  if  he  owes  you 
some  dough  and  can't  pay  it  he's  off  of  you  for 
life.  He  may  get  sore  for  a  minute  if  you  turn 
him  down,  but  if  you  let  him  have  it  and  he  can't 


22       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

make  good  right  away,  he'll  roast  you  to  his  dyin' 
day!  Therefore,  the  whole  club  got  to  like  Ike 
and  influenza  the  same  way  and  they  wasn't 
nothin'  them  guys  didn't  try  to  make  him  jump  the 
club.  They  tried  to  take  himjin  a  poker  game,  even 
dopin*  out  a  system  of  signals  to  flash  each  other 
so's  he'd  have  the  same  chance  of  quittin'  winner 
as  a  armless  wonder  at  a  billiard  tourney  and  they 
pleaded  with  Ike  two  days  before  he'd  even  play. 
They  made  it  a  five  buck  limit  and  played  from 
seven  one  night  to  ten  the  next  mornin'.  Ike 
quit  with  seven  hundred  bucks  in  cash,  three 
watches,  a  scarf  pin  and  a  coupla  I.  O.  U.'s  for  a 
hundred  berries  each.  Well,  Joe,  I'll  let  you 
figure  how  solid  that  made  him. 

Joe,  I  felt  awful  sorry  for  Ike,  because  he  wasn't 
a  bad  guy  at  all  when  you  got  to  know  him.  Be 
sides  that,  he  come  near  bein'  the  boss  ball  player 
I'd  ever  seen  and  a  guy  which  is  at  the  head  of  any 
game  he's  in,  I  don't  care  if  it's  street  cleanin', 
is  a  knockout  to  me!  Well,  I  had  half  a  dozen 
little  talks  with  him,  bein'  the  only  guy  on  the 
club  which  would  mix  with  him  at  all,  and  one 
night  I  asked  him  to  come  up  and  have  chow  with 
me.  Joe,  you  never  seen  a  guy  so  grateful  in  all 
your  life.  First  he  gets  white  and  then  he  gets 
red  and  then  he  says  am  I  kiddin'  and  when  I  says 
no  I  thought  he  was  gonna  kiss  me!  He  says  all 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      23 

right  he'll  be  there  and  don't  let  the  wife  go  to  no 
trouble  for  him  unless  maybe  a  steak  with  onions 
or  the  like  and  am  I  sure  it  will  be  all  right  with  her 
to  bring  him  up  and  tell  her  she  can  look  forward 
to  get  tin'  some  ice  cream.  Joe,  it  was  really  piti 
fully  to  see  how  thankful  this  guy  was  and  I  asked 
him  if  they  is  anything  special  he  likes  to  eat  out 
side  of  that  steak  and  we'll  have  it  and  he  says  any 
thing  is  all  right  and  it  don't  have  to  be  special. 

Well,  Joe,  about  seven  o'clock  that  night  Ike 
comes  up  and  when  I  went  to  the  door  personally 
on  account  of  the  maid  bein'  off,  I  didn't  know  him. 
Joe,  he's  got  on  a  dress  suit  which  he  told  me 
afterwards  he  hired  and  he  has  got  himself  shaved 
to  the  bone  with  his  hair  slicked  back  like  a  rabbit's 
and  all  in  all  he's  dressed  up  like  the  city  hall  durin* 
a  Elks  convention.  He's  got  a  big  package  under 
his  arm  which  he  claims  is  for  the  wife,  and  it  turned 
out  to  be  ten  pounds  of  a  candy  which  costs  about 
the  same  a  pound  as  radium  and  when  he  give  it  to 
Jeanne  I  thought  she  was  gonna  smile  him  to 
death.  Well,  Joe,  the  minute  he  gets  a  flash  at 
my  baby  he  drops  everything,  picks  him  up  and 
begins  savin'  somethin'  in  a  unknown  language  to 
him  and  I  was  waitin'  to  hear  my  baby  yell  mur 
der,  but  instead  of  that  what  does  he  do  but 
commence  to  giggle  and  play  with  Ike's  hair,  a 
thing  he  never  done  before  with  no  stranger.  Joe, 


24       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

in  ten  minutes  they  are  havin'  the  time  of  their 
lives  if  you  could  judge  by  the  laughs  they're 
handin'  each  other.  On  the  level,  Ike  refused  to 
drop  my  baby  'til  his  supper  got  cold  and  Jeanne 
tells  me  eighty-seven  times  by  official  count  what 
a  fine  homme  he  is  and  when  he  does  sit  down  he 
keeps  lookin'  at  her  across  the  table  'til  I  got  to 
remind  him  we  have  sit  down  to  eat. 

Well,  Joe,  after  dinner  it  was  quite  a  feat  to 
separate  Ike  and  my  baby  which  is  playin'  on  the 
floor  and  my  baby  yells  for  the  cops  when  he  is 
took  away  from  this  guy  and  put  to  bed.  Then 
Ike  pins  four  napkins  over  his  open  face  suit  and 
won't  have  it  no  other  way  but  he'll  go  into  the 
kitchen  and  wipe  the  dishes  on  account  of  the  maid 
bein'  off  and  Jeanne  says  afterwards  she  wished  he 
was  our  maid  because  he  had  the  one  we  got  lashed 
to  the  mast. 

I  fin'ly  managed  to  drag  him  away,  Joe,  from 
the  household  duties  and  we  sit  down  in  the  livin' 
room  to  talk  it  over,  after  Jeanne  has  went  to  the 
movies  with  the  dame  from  next  door  to  see 
Charley  Pickford  or  the  like  in  "What's  Marriage 
Compared  to  Divorce?"  or  somethin'  like  that. 
Well,  Joe,  Ike  tries  out  a  cigar  for  a  coupla  minutes 
and  then  he  looks  around  the  room  and  let  forth 
a  sigh  which  like  to  upset  the  sofa  and  says  he 
would  give  his  right  lung  if  he  had  a  home  like  this 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      25 

and  was  happily  and  securely  wed  and  etc.  Well, 
I  says  why  don't  he  get  married  and  be  done  with 
it  whilst  he  can,  because  the  prohibitionists  ain't 
got  around  to  that  yet  and  he  says  he's  willin',  but 
the  girl  he  wants  to  try  it  with  ain't. 

"That's  nothin',"  I  says.  "Grab  off  another 
one.  They's  a  coupla  hundred  thousand  dames  in 
this  state  alone,  not  countin'  the  suffragettes.  If 
one  of  'em  won't  fall,  try  some  more." 

"By  me  it's  different,"  he  says,  with  another 
one  of  them  sighs.  "They  could  be  one  hun 
dred  thousand  girls,  oder  one  hundred  million,  I 
wouldn't  want  so  many  anyhow.  Up  in,  now, 
Buffaloes,  I  got  it  a  goil — Oy,  such  a  peaches! 
Sadie  Edelstein  is  the  name  and  it  could  be  Lillian 
Russell  as  far  as  the  looks  go.  Her  father  is 
wholesale  clothing  and  speaking  from  that  I  could 
get  you  a  suit  there  for  twenty  dollars  which  if  you 
can  duplicate  it  on,  now  Broadway,  for  forty  I'll 
pay  the  bill  myself — well,  half  of  it,  anyhow! 
Sadie  is  crazy  from  the  movies  and  always  she  asks 
me  why  ain't  /  a  hero  like  Douglas  Chaplin  or 
Mary  Kimball  Bara  and  like  that.  Well,  I  says 
to  her  anybody  could  take  it  a  jump  from  a  bridge 
oder  a  train  and  she  laughs  at  me  and  I  says  I'll 
prove  it.  Well,  all  right.  She's  walking  past  the 
hotel  where  I'm  living  in  Buffaloes  and  I  jump  from 
the  second  story  window  on  top  from  a  wagon  and 


26       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

I 

I  get  arrested  and  a  lowlife  judge  charges  me  ten 

dollars  and  claims  I'm  crazy!" 

Well,  Joe,  I  like  to  choke  to  death  tryin'  to  keep 
from  laughin'  in  his  face  so  I  changed  the  subject 
and  about  eleven  o'clock  he  went  home  after 
thankin'  me  a  coupla  hundred  times  for  the  dinner. 

Joe,  this  bird  struck  me  as  bein'  nothin'  more 
than  a  big  lonesome  kid  and  I  got  to  kinda  like 
him  at  that,  so  I  thought  I'd  try  and  find  out  just 
why  the  gang  was  all  off  him.  I  begin  by  askin' 
Watson  and  that's  as  far  as  I  got. 

"Why  don't  I  like  him?"  he  sneers.  "Why,  the 
big  fathead — he  thinks  more  of  a  nickel  than  you 
do  of  your  liver!  He's  tighter  than  a  drum  and 
he  wouldn't  give  a  cigar  coupon  to  see  Niagara 
Falls  run  the  other  way.  He's  workin'  here  for 
next  to  nothin'  and  gyppin'  me  outa  my  job.  I 
borreyed  twenty  bucks  from  him  a  week  ago  and 
give  him  my  watch  for  security  and  dy'e  think  he'll 
give  it  up?  Not  a  chance!" 

"Have  you  gave  him  back  the  twenty?  "  I  says. 

"No!"  says  Watson.  "Not  yet— I'm  a  little 
shy.  I'm  willin*  to  give  him  five  now  and  the 
rest  next  week  if  he'll  gimme  the  clock  and  they 
ain't  a  thing  doin'.  Them  Jews  wouldn't  do  a 
favor  for  their  brother.  I  can't  understand  how 
you  come  to  fall  for  the  big  stiff,  unless  he's  got 
somethin'  on  you!" 


"Look  here,  Stupid,"  I  says.  "Lay  off  that 
stuff  about  the  Jews.  That's  all  outa  date  since 
the  war  and  it  was  bum  stuff  even  before  that,  get 
me?  I  went  over  the  top  with  them  Jews,  as  you 
call  'em,  in  France  and  if  they  ever  get  roused  up 
over  here  to  scrap  like  they  did  there — well,  a 
lotta  you  guys  which  gets  a  laugh  outa  a  long  nose 
is  gonna  be  terrible  sorry!  It  don't  make  no  dif 
ference  no  more  whether  a  guy  is  a  Jew  or  anything 
else — if  he's  a  American,  we  don't  wanna  bother 
where  he  goes  to  church.  Why  should  this  guy 
give  up 'your  watch  when  you  won't  pay  off?  I 
wouldn't  give  it  up  either.  You  like  money  the 
same  as  any  Jew  does  and  you  know  it — so  does 
everybody  else!  The  reason  you  guys  thinks  of  a 
Jew  and  money  in  the  same  breath  is  because  a  Jew 
has  got  brains  enough  to  hold  on  to  his  and  you  guys 
ain't !  How  many  Jews  goes  to  the  poor  house,  hey?  " 

"I  never  knowed  you  was  so  crazy  about  them 
kykes, "  sneers  Watson. 

"They's  a  lotta  things  you  don't  know,"  I  says, 
"because  you're  thicker  than  Flanders  mud.  We 
had  a  priest  in  our  outfit  named  Father  McCarty 
which  was  one  of  them  roming  catholics  and  him 
and  our  top  sergeant  which  was  a  Jew  named 
Markowitz  was  like  brothers  through  a  year  of  a 
hell  worse  than  any  both  of  us  will  ever  see !  What 
d'ye  think  of  that,  hey?" 


28       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"I  don't  believe  it!"  says  Watson.  "I'll  get 
that  Ike  guy  to-day  and  grab  my  watch  off  of  him 
or  he  won't  play  no  baseball  for  a  week,  one  or  the 
other!" 

Well,  Joe,  at  that  point  who  walks  into  the  club 
house  but  no  less  than  Ike  and  Watson  gets  up  and 
stands  in  front  of  him. 

"Hey!"  he  says.  "Have  you  still  got  my 
watch?" 

"Why  not?"  grins  Ike.  "Don't  worry,  I'll  take 
care  of  it  like  it  was  a  baby  and  so  soon  you  give  me 
them  twenty  dollars,  it's  yours." 

"Lemme  see  it,"  says  Watson,  winkin'  at  the 
bunch,  "  I  wanna  be  sure  you  ain't  hocked  it  yet." 

Joe,  Ike  falls.  He  reaches  in  his  pocket  and 
takes  out  the  watch  and  Watson  makes  a  sudden 
grab  at  it.  It  drops  on  the  floor  and  Watson  was 
there  first.  He  straightens  up,  shakes  it  to  see 
it's  all  right  and  shoves  it  in  his  pocket. 

"Well,  Shylock  "  sneers  Watson,  stickin'  his  chin 
in  Ike's  surprised  face,  "I  guess  I  kinda  stuck 
it  over  on  you,  hey?" 

"Gimme  it  the  watch,  oder  the  twenty  dollars!" 
gasps  Ike,  pale  as  cream. 

"Try  and  get  it,  you  big  yellah  stiff!"  hisses 
Watson.  "I  won't  give  you  nothin'.  You'd  take 
a  guy's  arm  as  security  for  a  nickel,  like  that 
Shylock  guy  this  feller  Shakespeare  wrote  about 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      29 

which  wanted  a  pound  of  flesh.  You  Jews  is  all 
alike — I  know  you.  I'll  pay  you  when  I'm  darn 
good  and  ready.  What  are  you  gonna  do  about 
it?" 

Well,  Joe,  Ike  gets  a  coupla  shades  paler,  but  he 
don't  say  a  word  or  do  a  thing  and  the  gang  all 
lets  forth  sighs  of  disappointment  because  they 
was  both  big  guys  and  who  don't  relish  a  scrap? 
Ike  had  his  hand  on  a  brass  towel  rail  and  he  was 
grippin'  it  hard  and  when  he  suddenly  turned  away 
and  walked  outa  the  club  house  that  rail  was  bent 
through -in  the  middle  like  it  had  been  hit  by  a 
sledge. 

Joe,  I  must  say  I  certainly  got  a  terrible  shock 
when  Ike  didn't  bounce  that  big  tramp  Watson 
for  bawlin'  him  before  all  the  gang.  I  lost  no 
time  askin'  Ike  about  it  and  first  he  didn't  say 
nothin'  and  then  he  calls  me  aside  and  says  he  has 
swore  a  oath  that  he  will  never  get  in  another 
scrap  because  he  hit  a  guy  seven  years  ago  in 
Troy,  N.  Y.,  and  it  was  a  coupla  months  before 
they  knowed  whether  that  bird  was  gonna  live 
or  not.  Since  then,  he  says,  he's  ducked  any  and 
all  kinds  of  brawls.  Well,  Joe,  I  looked  Ike  over 
and  let  it  go  at  that. 

Of  course,  Joe,  you  prob'ly  no  doubt  read  about 
the  fire  which  we  had  in  the  hotel  where  the  club 
was  stoppin'  and  how  poor  Watson  which  had  been 


30       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

dabblin'  with  the  brew  got  caught  in  bed  and  was 
terrible  burned.  The  gang  all  felt  bad  about  it 
and  when  the  doctor  come  down  in  the  lobby  and 
says  his  chances  is  practically  none,  it  didn't  make 
us  feel  no  better.  Joe,  Ike  seemed  more  interested 
than  anybody  else. 

"Gevhalt!"  he  says.  "Ain't  they  nothin*  you 
could  do  for  that  poor  feller,  doctor?" 

"Well,"  says  the  medico,  scratchin*  his  chin, 
"that's  what  I  came  down  to  see  you  fellows 
about.  We're  going  to  try  grafting — if  we  can 
get  any  one  who  is  willing  to — well,  give  up  some 
skin!" 

WTith  that  he  looks  us  all  over,  Joe,  and  we  look 
at  the  ceilin'  and  the  floor  and  each  other  and  some 
more  points  of  interest  and  nobody  says  no  thin'  for 
quite  a  spell.  Fin'ly  Ike  steps  forward. 

"Say!"  he  says  to  the  doc.  "Don't  look  no 
further.  I'm  big  and  fat  and  skin's  like  nothing 
to  me.  If  you  think  it'll  save  that  poor  feller's 
life,  doctor,  take  as  much  as  you  want.  I  could 
stand  it."  He  turns  around  and  grins  at  the 
rest  of  us  which  is  dumb  with  surprise,  "I  ain't  no, 
now,  Shylock,"  he  says.  "Shylock  wanted  he 
should  have  a  pound  from  flesh,  hey?  Well — I'll 
give  one  away!" 

Well,  Joe,  when  Ike  heard  he  would  have  to  take 
a  shot  of  ether  before  the  doc  could  plane  off  some 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      31 

of  his  hide  he  turned  pale  and  it  looked  for  a  while 
like  he  was  gonna  call  the  thing  off.  He  claims  he 
don't  mind  losin'  the  skin,  but  Oy  how  that  ether 
stuff  smells  and  if  he's  got  to  be  made  unconscious 
for  all  he  knows  they're  libel  to  remove  him  from 
a  arm  or  the  like  whilst  they  are  at  it.  Fin'ly  he 
gives  in  after  gettin'  me  to  write  a  letter  to  his 
girl  in  Buffalo  askin'  her  to  come  down  and  look 
him  over  in  the  hospital  and  don't  worry  it  ain't 
nothin'  serious — maybe! 

Joe,  the  doctors  says  Watson  owes  his  life  to 
Ike  which  is  now  out  of  the  hospital  and  walkin' 
around  O.  K.  although  he  won't  play  no  baseball 
'til  around  August  anyways.  He  ain't  losin'  no 
sleep  over  that  though,  Joe,  because  his  pay  is 
still  goin'  on  and  he  got  himself  a  wife  in  return  for 
the  skin  he  give  up  for  Watson.  Me  and  Jeanne 
was  in  the  cast  at  the  weddin'  and  we  had  the  time 
of  our  lives.  Joe,  I  am  strong  for  them  Jewish 
weddin's — they  blow  money  like  water  and  I  never 
had  such  a  feed  in  my  life,  on  the  level. 

Joe,  as  usual,  I  had  a  hand  in  Ike  grabbin'  off  his 
bride.  They  is  few  things  happens  of  any  account 
that  I  ain't  mixed  up  in,  outside  of  the  peace 
conference  and  as  far  as  that  goes  if  they  kept  Ire 
land  out,  where  did  mere  I  get  off  to  be  called  in, 
hey?  When  Ike's  girl  come  down  from  Buffalo  I 
took  her  up  to  my  flat  and  told  her  just  what  Ike 


32       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

had  done  for  a  friend,  layin'  it  on  good  and  thick, 
and  I  says  if  she  is  in  the  market  for  heroes,  Ike 
was  somethin'  extry  special,  and  what  movie  star 
had  ever  done  anything  like  givin'  up  his  good  skin 
and  etc.  I  also  says  that  she  had  better  grab  him 
quick  because  I  had  seen  half  a  dozen  dames  from 
the  Follies  hangin'  around  the  hospital  since  that 
story  got  in  the  papers,  and  he's  got  a  nurse 
which  would  make  Venus  quit.  Joe,  she  eat  it 
all  up  and  Ike  had  a  ring  on  her  finger  three  days 
later. 

Joe,  the  first  day  Ike  was  able  to  leave  the 
hospital  he  went  in  the  next  room  and  seen  Watson. 
What  come  off  between  them  I  don't  know,  be 
cause  I  went  outside  whilst  Watson  was  doin' 
everything  but  kissin'  Ike  and  tellin'  him  he'd 
never  forget  what  he  done  for  him  and  etc.  and  etc. 
I  met  Ike  a  few  minutes  later  in  the  office  down 
stairs. 

"Well, "  he  says  with  his  famous  grin,  "I'm  glad 
that  poor  feller  is  gonna  live.  I  got  it  fixed  he 
should  have  it  his  own  nurse  and  like  that  and  he 
could  pay  me  when  he  gets  out.  It's  terrible  to 
lay  in  the  hospital  day  in  and  day  out  so  I  fixed  it 
he  should  have  it  as  nice  as  possible."  With  that, 
Joe,  he  give  a  sigh.  "Na!"  he  says.  "That's 
all  over  with.  I  got  ten  minutes  to  meet  my 
Sadelah  and " 


THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME      33 

Joe,  he  pulls  out  a  watch  and  looks  at  it  and  I 
like  to  fell  in  a  nearby  convenient  garbage  can. 

It  was  Watson's  watch! 

"Hey?"    I  hollers.    "Where  did  you  get  that?" 

" It  belongs  by  Watson, "  he  says.  "He  owes  me 
twenty  dollars  and  I'm  holding  this  for  a  security. 
Remember  he  took  it  away  from  me?  Well,  I 
seen  it  laying  on  the  table  from  his  bed  and  I  says 
well  so  long  as  you  ain't  going  nowheres  the  time 
makes  no  difference  by  you  and  I  might  as  well 
keep  this  'til  you  pay  me  them  twenty  dollars 
and- 

"D'ye  mean  to  tell  me,"  I  says,  "that  you  was 
willin'  to  give  up  your  own  flesh  for  that  guy  for 
nothin'  and  yet  you  grab  his  watch  as  security 
for  twenty  bucks?" 

"Why  not?"  he  says.  "It  ain't  the  money — by 
me  it's  business!  You  could  believe  it,  it'll  cost 
me  more  as  twenty  dollars  for  them  things  I 
ordered  for  Watson  he  should  be  comfortable. 
That's  like  nothing.  If  I  could  help  it  somebody 
else  to-morrow  like  I  helped  Watson  I'd  do  it  in  a 
minute.  I  know  what  you  think — that  every 
thing  by  us  is  gelt.  Well,  it  ain't.  I  give  the, 
now,  Red  Cross,  I  give  the  Salvation's  army,  I  give 
the  Y.  M.  C.  A.,  I  give  this  and  I  give  that — you 
could  believe  it,  for  a  long  time  I  got  the  idea  they 
was  charging  the  whole  war  up  to  me.  But  why 


34       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

should  Watson  not  pay  me  them  twenty  dollars? 
Say  listen — to  help  anybody  I'll  do  it  anything,  but 
business,  that's  a  horse  from  another  color!" 
Joe  I  think  that  baby  was  right  at  that,  hey? 
Yours  truly, 

ED.  HARMON.     (The  undisputed 
monarch  of  the  diamond). 


CHAPTER  II 

SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER 
SECOND  INNING 

Riverside 's  Drive,  N.  Y. 

DEAR  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  I  have  just  come  out  of  the  most 
terrible  experience  a  man  can  have  outside  of  bein* 
electrocuted  or  the  like.  We  have  gone  to  work 
and  moved  from  where  we  was  livin'  in  peace  and 
quiet  to  a  place  on  Riverside's  Drive  where  Grant's 
Tomb  and  all  the  rich  guys  lives  and  the  dugout 
we  are  in  now  would  make  the  Waldorf  look  like  a 
stable,  not  that  our  ex-home  wasn't  class.  Joe, 
I  was  perfectly  satisfactory  to  live  where  we 
was  and  they  had  been  no  complaints  about 
us  from  the  neighbors  or  like  that,  but  Jeanne 
has  fell  in  with  a  bunch  of  friends  now  which 
is  leadin*  her  this  way  and  that  like  she  was  a 
young  infant  baby  and  had  no  mind  of  her  own. 
Our  new  home  is  called  the  Royal  Majestic 
Superb  and  they  is  two  tar  babies  as  big  as  the 
Singer  Buildin'  full  of  brass  buttons  and  the  like 
which  does  nothin'  but  stand  outside  all  day  long 

35 


36       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

guardin'  the  entrance  so's  no  mud  won't  splash 
on  it  and  etc. 

Joe,  I  thought  the  rent  was  brutal  in  my  ex-flat, 
but  alongside  of  what  I  have  got  to  try  and  raise 
every  month  for  the  new  one,  the  last  one  was  free 
and  they  thro  wed  in  breakfast.  On  top  of  that, 
Jeanne  goes  to  work  and  hires  a  extry  maid  to  do 
nothin'  but  look  after  my  baby  and  I  got  a  pay 
roll  now  like  the  Bethlehem  Steel  Works.  Where 
I  am  gonna  grab  off  this  dough  is  past  me  and  the 
first  time  you  read  that  they  was  some  bank  robbed 
of  a  lotta  jack  you  can  say,  "Well,  poor  Ed — he 
was  drove  to  it  and  I  trust  he  don't  get  over  forty 
years!" 

Joe,  baseball  with  me  will  soon  be  nothin'  more 
than  a  side  line,  because  I  have  grabbed  off  a 
couple  more  jobs  for  myself  so's  I  can  keep  from 
joinin'  the  boys  in  the  almshouse.  The  war's 
corespondent  which  I  flitted  about  France  with  has 
came  back  and  what  does  he  do  but  get  me  on  the 
payroll  of  a  newspaper  here.  All  I  gotta  do  is 
write  a  lotta  stuff  every  day  about  the  baseballs 
situation  and  the  like,  with  a  coupla  funny  cracks 
here  and  there  if  possible  and  they  will  let  me 
sign  my  name  to  it,  provided  I  got  the  nerve. 
Well,  Joe,  then  they  was  a  sporting's  goods  house 
which  made  me  a  preposition  to  try  and  sell  their 
wares,  usin'  my  famous  name  as  a  decoy,  and  I  will 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  37 

get  a  commission  payin'  more  than  the  one  I  had 
in  the  army  did,  outa  that.  Joe,  I  am  busier  than 
a  guy  with  the  ice  water  concession  in  Hades,  I'll 
tell  the  world!  In  the  mornin'  I  am  sellin'  sport- 
ing's  goods,  in  the  afternoon  I  am  playin'  baseballs 
and  at  night  I  am  a  full  fledge  arthur  writin' 
articles  for  the  newspaper.  I  am  tryin*  now  to  get 
somethin'  to  do  between  twelve  p.  m.  and  day 
break  so's  I  won't  look  like  no  loafer  and  only  to 
day  I  answered  a  ad  for  a  night  watchman. 

So  far,  Joe,  I  have  failed  to  set  the  lake  on  fire 
at  either  of  my  new  jobs.  I  managed  to  sell 
Shorty  Smith  a  catcher's  glove  and  the  little  fat 
head  didn't  pay  me  for  it  and  the  next  day  he  gets 
traded  to  the  Cubs  and  took  the  mitt  with  him. 
That  ain't  bad  enough,  but,  Joe,  I  put  in  five  hours 
at  this  trick  newspaper  writin'  thing,  gettin'  to 
gether  real  dope  from  the  inside.  It  was  good  stuff 
if  I  do  say  it  myself,  Joe,  and  1,000  times  better 
than  the  hop  them  reporters  writes,  which  what  do 
they  know  about  baseballs?  It  was  all  about  how  I 
felt  certain  that  the  game  of  baseballs  was  sure  to 
catch  on  with  the  American  public  and  be  a  suc 
cess  if  give  time  and  Mac  was  makin'  a  big  mis 
take  by  not  doublin'  my  salary  before  I  was 
grabbed  by  some  more  sensible  club  and  I  could 
pitch  rings  around  Ernie  Shore  any  day  of  the 
week,  not  countin'  Sundays  and  I  expect  to  have 


38       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

one  of  my  biggest  years  and  where  does  them  land 
lord  gyps  get  off  to  raise  the  poor  man's  rent  and 
etc.  and  etc.  Altogether  they  was  two  pages  of  it, 
Joe,  all  hot  stuff.  Well,  they  throwed  away  three 
quarters  of  it  and  says  it  was  pretty  punk  but  they 
would  try  and  fix  it  up  and  get  a  reporter  to  write 
it  hereafter  and  all  I  would  have  to  do  is  sign  it.  I 
guess  I  ain't  cut  out  to  be  no  arthur,  hey,  Joe?  A 
guy  has  gotta  be  born  that  way  and  get  it  the 
same  way  he  gets  his  ears,  yeh? 

Well,  Joe,  I  guess  you  have  seen  where  the 
Pittsburg  Pirates  become  ravin'  maniacs  yesterday 
and  grab  off  a  game  from  me,  6  to  5.  Joe,  they 
win  it  in  the  ninth  frame  when  they  are  two  runs 
behind  and  I  have  pitched  sterlin'  silver  ball  up  to 
then.  I  never  got  such  a  tough  break  in  all  my 
life,  except  when  I  was  captured  a  prisoner  by  the 
squareheads,  and  them  Pittsburg  guys  had  to  pull 
trickery  and  foul's  play  on  me  to  beat  me.  I  will 
show  you  the  lengths  them  birds  went  to  in  puttin* 
it  over  me  and  how  desperate  is  the  modern  day 
club  when  they  have  to  go  up  against  me.  Joe, 
the  ninth  innin'  comes  along  and  the  score  is  5  to  2 
favor  me,  or  us,  I  guess  I  oughta  say — though  at 
times  it  must  look  to  the  public  as  if  I  was  really 
the  whole  team  from  the  way  them  guys  work  in 
back  of  me.  Well,  anyways,  I  walk  the  first  man 
up  just  so's  he  could  see  what  a  base  looked  like  for 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  39 

the  first  time  that  day  and  what  does  he  do  but 
steal  second  on  me.  That's  gratitude,  hey?  This 
here  got  me  so  infuriatin'  that  I  made  the  next 
guy  pop  out  and  four  pitched  balls  sent  the  third 
baby  to  the  dugout.  The  next  bird  guessed  one 
right  and  singled,  sendin'  this  here  ingrate  which 
I  had  walked,  to  third.  Well,  here  I  am  with  two 
on  and  two  out  and  the  game  sewed  up  in  my  shirt 
pocket. 

Joe,  even  if  you  was  a  palm's  reader  you  will 
never  guess  what  happened  then  or  what  them 
guys  pulled  on  me.  I  got  two  strikes  on  the  last 
man  up  and  it's  all  over  but  the  showers,  when 
just  as  I  was  shootin*  over  the  third  strike  I  hear  a 
noise  which  I  have  often  heard  in  France,  right 
over  my  head.  It  is  no  less  than  a  areyoplane, 
Joe,  and  just  as  it  sails  over  the  park  this  batter 
slams  the  pill  on  a  line  to  centre  and  them  big  stiffs 
out  there  is  all  lookin*  up  in  the  air  at  this  here 
areyoplane  and  it  went  for  a  home  run! 

Joe,  one  of  the  reporters  told  me  afterward  in 
the  clubhouse  that  he  had  seen  the  manager  of  the 
Pirates  rush  madly  from  the  park  when  that  last 
guy  come  to  bat  and  he  was  mutterin*  "  Somethin* 
must  be  done!"  The  reporter  says  he  will  bet  a 
million  dollars  to  a  handful  of  crullers  that  the 
Pirates'  manager  went  out  and  hired  that  guy  to 
fly  over  the  park  at  the  critical  minute,  takin'  a 


40       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

last  desperate  chance  that  our  outfielders  would 
look  up  at  it  long  enough  for  the  ball  to  go  through 
'em.  Well,  Joe,  I  wouldn't  go  so  far  as  to  come 
right  out  and  charge  a  big  league  manager  with  no 
crime  like  that,  because  he  would  have  had  to  have 
worked  fast  to  of  hired  that  aviator  and  they  was 
no  areyoplanes  parked  outside  the  grounds  when 
I  come  in.  However — you  can  draw  your  own 
conclusions,  Joe.  Anyways,  I  have  not  five 
minutes  ago  wrote  a  letter  to  the  National  Com 
mission  with  all  the  facts  and  demandin'  that  no 
areyoplanes  is  allowed  to  fly  over  any  ball  park 
whilst  I  am  pitchin*.  I  got  enough  to  contend 
with  as  it  is,  hey,  Joe? 

Joe,  Jeanne  was  out  to  the  park  and  seen  the 
game  and  when  we  come  home  I  am  naturally 
enough  sore  and  growlin'  like  a  ill  bear.  I  says  I 
would  of  win  that  game  on  the  bit  if  I  hadn't  of 
been  so  upset  over  this  here  movin'  and  the  high 
rent  and  the  like  and  half  of  it  was  her  fault  for  not 
bein*  satisfied  to  live  where  we  was.  Joe,  she 
stamps  her  foot  at  me. 

"Non,  non,  non  /"  she  says.  "Tell  me  nothing 
of  that  baseball.  Did  not  Jeanne  see  with  her 
own  eye  everything?" 

"  What's  that  gotta  do  with  it?  "  I  says.  "  You 
don't  know  nothin'  about  the  game  anyways 
and " 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  41 

"  Tiens  /"  she  butts  in,  with  a  fresh  stamp  of  the 
foot.  "But  you  are  of  the  exceeding  wrong! 
There  is  few  I  do  not  know  of  the  baseballs. 
Here — take  then  this  example;  if  in  that  neuvieme 
inn-ing  you  do  not  allow  those  first  adversary  from 
Peetsburg  to  achieve  that  premier  base  by  the  free 
presentation  of  the  walk,  nevaire  would  you  have 
lose  the  battle!  N'est  ce  pas?" 

Well,  Joe,  you  could  of  knocked  me  cold  with  a 
bat!  Here  is  Jeanne,  which  is  supposed  to  know 
the  same  about  baseball  as  I  know  about  the  League 
of  Nations,  tellin*  me  that  if  I  hadn't  of  passed  the 
first  guy  up  in  the  ninth  I  would  of  win  it! 

"Where  did  you  ever "  I  begins,  when  she 

cuts  me  off. 

"Also,"  she  says,  "let  us  take  of  those 
deuxieme  inn-ing.  There  throw  you  that  ball 
trois  metres  ovaire  the  head  of  these  catcher.  She 
could  not  stop  it,  non,  not  at  all!  What  then  does 
it  happen?  Viola!  That  is  what  we  of  the 
baseballs  scholars  know  as  a  wild  beast  pitch. 
Quel  dommage  I  Around  and  around  runs  that 
little  'petit  homme  how.  Peetsburg  and  poof! — but 
he  is  back  from  his  original  destination  and  the 
officer  holler  'Secure!' : 

Joe,  I  did  let  in  a  run  on  a  wild  pitch  at 
that! 

"What's  the  idea  of  you  gettin'  wised  up  on 


42       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

baseball,  hey?"     I  says   when  I  could  get  my 
breath.     "And  who  handed  you  all  this  stuff?" 

Joe,  she  gimme  a  chastely  salute  on  the  forehead 
and  also  that  million  dollar  smile  of  hers  which 
makes  her  immediately  look  like  a  chorus  girl 
would  like  to. 

"Ah!"  she  says.  "Since  then  the  baseballs  is 
my  husbands — what  you  say,  business — why 
should  not  Jeanne  become  herself  able  to  talk  with 
him  of  that?  Those  charmants  newsmen  of  those 
press  box  tell  me  everything.  See — again  hi  that 
septieme  inn-ing.  What  did  you  then?  Ha! 
Again  you  have  the  faux  pas.  You " 

"Never  mind  what  I  did!"  I  hollers.  "Who 
pitched  that  game — me  or  you?  Lay  off  them 
reporters  and  let's  have  the  eats.  I'll  do  all  the 
ball  playin'  in  this  family!" 

"Why  then  do  you  not  make  the  start?"  she 
says,  with  a  grin. 

Beat  that  one,  Joe! 

Yours  truly, 

ED.  HARMON.     (The  beaucoup 
pitcher  of  those  baseball.) 

On  the  Ways  Out  West. 
DEAR  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  here  I  am  travellin'  alone  again  with 
no  company  but  the  rest  of  the  club  on  account  of 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  43 

Jeanne  and  my  baby  bein'  home  in  my  magnificent 
apartment  at  the  Royal  Majestic  Superb.  I  know 
full  well  it  will  be  a  terrible  surprise  to  you  to  hear 
that  Jeanne  is  not  with  me,  but  think  what  a 
blow  it  was  to  me.  Them  swell  friends  Jeanne  has 
fell  in  with  of  late  is  to  blame  for  the  whole  thing, 
and,  Joe,  the  situation  is  gettin*  seriouser  every 
day.  They  ain't  no  question  but  we  are  com- 
mencin'  to  driftin'  apart  and  what  the  finish  will 
be  is  a  subject  that  would  baffle  all  Europe. 
Joe,  Jeanne  is  already  goin*  to  Columbia's  Uni 
versity  "to  learn  English  and  payin'  them  birds 
a  high  price  and  only  yesterday  she  went  to  do 
some  bridge  whistin'  at  the  Waldorf  with  the 
Higher  Thought  Cult,  whatever  that  is.  As  far  as 
that  goes,  Joe,  I  am  not  exactly  ig'rant,  but  I  don't 
even  know  what  bridge  whistin'  is — it  sounds 
phoney  to  me.  I  have  showed  Jeanne  every 
bridge  in  New  York  and  if  they  got  one  at  the 
Waldorf,  they  must  of  put  it  up  whilst  I  was  away. 

Joe,  the  other  day  I  was  all  set  to  take  her  and 
my  baby  to  the  circus  on  account  of  the  rain 
preventin*  me  from  workin',  when  what  does 
Jeanne  do  but  blow  into  the  room  all  dressed  up 
and  ready  to  set  sail  for  somewheres. 

"Just  a  minute!"  I  says.  "Get  my  baby 
ready  for  the  street,  I  am  gonna  treat  the  both  of 
you  to  the  circus." 


44       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Joe,  she  give  a  little  giggle — as  much  as  to  say 
"Where  d'ye  get  that  stuff?" 

"But  no,  Edouard!"  she  says.  "Jeanne  must 
then  go  to  the  eacole  for  her  Anglais  lesson.  That 
cirque  he  can  wait,  n'est  ce  pas  ?" 

"Forget  about  that  goin'  to  college  to  learn 
English,"  I  says.  "We're  blowin*  dough  as  it  is 
like  the  Rockefeller  foundation  was  keepin'  us. 
Why  can't  /  learn  you  the  English  language  as 
well  as  them  college  guys,  hey?" 

"  Ah ! "  she  smiles  at  me.  "  But  then  you  do  not 
yourself  speak  him  that  Anglais,  ma  chert.  May 
be  soon  sometime  Jeanne  and  Edouard  will  learn 
him  together,  oui?" 

And  with  that  she's  gone! 

Oh,  boy!!!! 

Joe,  try  and  tie  that  one,  hey?  Can  you 
imagine  a  crack  like  that?  I  can't  speak  the 
English — and  I  was  born  on  Second  Avenue! 

Well,  Joe,  that  ain't  the  worst  of  it.  I  let  her 
get  away  with  that  and  she's  goin'  to  Columbia's 
University  three  times  a  week  takin'  English  and 
what  does  she  do  the  other  day  but  gimme  a  call  for 
savin'  "Aint."  She  claims  that's  all  wrong  and  I 
oughta  say  "  Isn't "  and  we  had  quite  a  jam  over  the 
thing  and  I  don't  know  yet  who  win  the  argyment. 

Joe,  when  I  got  ready  to  pack  up  and  start  on 
our  first  trip  west  openin'  in  Philly,  Jeanne  says 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  45 

she  has  changed  her  mind  and  can't  go  with  me. 
Before  I  can  recover  from  that  stunnin*  blow  she 
says  she  has  thought  it  over  and  she  would  be 
nutty  to  chase  all  over  the  country  with  me,  ridin' 
in  trains  and  the  like  and  besides  she's  givin'  a 
"dinner  dance"  the  same  week  I'm  leavin'.  Joe, 
I  begin  to  gasp  for  air  like  a  fresh  caught  flounder 
and  I'm  afraid  to  cut  loose  for  fear  I'll  say  too 
much.  So  I  simply  remarks  in  a  deadly  and  coldly 
voice  that  I'm  goin'  down  to  the  corner  and  play  a 
little  pinochle  with  Phil  Bloom  and  etc.  I  ain't  no 
more  reached  for  my  hat,  when  Jeanne  steps  in  front 
of  me  and  says  I  ain't  goin'  nowheres,  but  I  am 
gonna  get  inside  of  a  evenin'  clothes  and  outside  of 
a  shave  and  hair-cut  because  she  has  got  a  lot  of 
her  swell  friends  comin'  up  for  dinner  and  the  best 
thing  I  can  do  is  not  to  talk  at  all  when  they  come. 
Well,  Joe,  I  dashed  out  of  the  house  in  a  terrible 
rage  and  I  must  of  walked  around  the  block  254 
times  before  I  cooled  off  at  all.  I  got  a  shave  and 
a  haircut  and  a  massage  and  a  shampoo  with 
manicure  and  etc.,  Joe,  and  when  I  come  out  I  felt 
a  little  better.  I  called  up  Jeanne  and  says  as 
long  as  she  is  givin'  this  here  banquet  I  will  bring 
up  Phil  Bloom  and  Eddie  Stevens  and  the  gang  and 
we  will  have  a  real  party  and  what  does  she  need 
from  the  delicatessen.  Joe,  first  I  am  treated  to 
a  whole  lot  of  French  and  then  she  says  I  will  not 


do  nothin'  of  the  sort  like  bringin'  up  the  gang  from 
the  corner,  because  every  one  of  them  is  nothin' 
but  a  bourgeois  which  is  French  for  roughneck,  and 
the  sooner  I  get  away  from  them  the  better  and 
she  has  ordered  the  dinner  from  a  cater. 

Joe,  she  hung  up  on  me  before  I  can  think  of  a 
comeback  and  though  I  was  ready  to  bust  from 
simple  rage,  I  went  right  up  to  the  house  like  she 
ordered.  No  matter  what  Jeanne  does  I  will  have 
to  stand  for  it,  Joe,  because  I  am  as  crazy  over  her 
now  as  I  was  when  I  first  flashed  her  in  that 
France  place  and  if  you  ever  seen  her  you  would 
also  see  what  a  boob  I  would  be  to  let  her  get  away 
from  me. 

Joe,  wouldn't  it  be  a  terrible  thing  if  after  all  I 
have  went  through  I  would  wind  up  by  losin'  my 
wife?  Even  the  money  I  would  no  doubt  save 
would  fail  to  make  it  up,  Joe,  and  anyways  I'd 
only  prob'ly  spend  it  on  somethin'  else,  hey? 

Yours  truly, 

ED.  HARMON.     (A  broken  hearted  husband, 
which  has  got  to  pitch  just  the  same.) 

SpeedirC  Over  the  Rails. 
DEAR  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  it  is  so  long  since  I  have  wrote  you  I 
guess  you  have  got  the  idea  I  have  went  to  work 
and  committ  suicide,  and  it  would  be  no  wonder  if 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  47 

I  did  the  way  things  has  been  breakin'  for  me  of 
late.  I  hurled  seven  games  on  this  first  trip  west 
and  hurled  three  of  them  away,  but  we  did  our 
selves  a  lotta  good  altogether  and  if  you  ain't  too 
tight  to  buy  a  newspaper  you  can  see  we  are  still 
leadin'  the  league.  In  spite  of  the  fact  that  I  feel 
I  am  gettin'  to  be  a  old  man  on  account  of  family 
troubles  and  the  like,  I  win  a  game  yesterday  just 
before  we  started  for  home,  shuttin'  out  the  Cubs 
6  to  0.  I  only  allowed  five  hits,  though  the  papers 
says  seven,  but  what  does  them  guys  know? 
After  the  sixth  innin',  first  base  could  of  been  in 
Russia  as  far  as  the  Cubs  was  concerned  and  I 
rapped  out  a  triple  myself  in  the  eighth  with  two 
runners  on  the  bags,  turnin'  them  immediately  into 
two  runs.  Everywheres  I  go  I  am  give  quite  a  re 
ception,  and  why  not,  but  that  don't  lift  the  terribly 
strain  I  am  under  on  account  of  suddenly  becomin* 
unhappily  married  out  of  the  clear  sky. 

I  have  only  had  two  letters  from  Jeanne  since  I 
left,  Joe,  and  neither  of  them  would  cause  no  jury 
to  bend  forward  to  listen.  I  don't  know  how  she'll 
be  when  I  get  back  or  even  if  she'll  be  there  at  all, 
and  where's  my  baby  and  etc.  I  tell  you,  Joe,  I 
am  near  the  brink  of  a  ravin'  maniac!  I  would 
like  to  get  all  them  friends  of  Jeanne's  which 
dragged  us  apart  into  one  big  room  and  murder 
'em  all  and  be  done  with  it! 


48       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

I  will  tell  you  about  that  there  banquet  which 
Jeanne  give  before  I  left  and  which  wound  up  in  us 
havin'  prob'ly  the  first  real  scrap  since  we  been 
wed.  It  was  a  peach  whilst  it  lasted,  Joe,  and  I'll 
tell  the  world  both  of  us  covered  the  situation 
pretty  thoroughly  whilst  we  was  at  it. 

Well,  I  get  into  this  here  evenin's  dress  and  etc. 
and  if  I  do  say  it  myself,  Joe,  I  am  a  knockout  in 
one  of  them  headwaiter's  uneyforms,  bein'  built 
like  a  model  for  them  collar  ads  in  the  subway  and 
checkin'  up  6  ft.  2  in.  not  countin'  my  hat  and 
tipplin'  the  scales  at  224,  all  bone  and  muscle  with 
little  if  any  fat. 

Joe,  I  come  outa  my  room  and  Jeanne  is  nowheres 
to  be  seen  and  Ij  am  so  hungry  I  could  of  eat  pig 
iron  saute  so  what  do  I  do  but  go  into  the  kitchen 
and  crack  open  the  ice  box.  In  a  coupla  minutes 
more  I  am  filin'  away  large  quantities  of  cold  ham 
and  the  like  into  my  stomach  and  havin'  a  de 
lightfully  time.  All  of  a  sudden,  Joe,  they  is  a 
interruption.  Some  one  is  standin'  in  the  door 
way  gazin'  at  me.  I  look  around  and — Oh, 
boy!!!!  Joe,  I  have  seen  some  swell  lookin'  and 
etc.  dames  in  my  time,  but  you,  me,  Adam,  or 
nobody  else  ever  seen  no  dame  which  looked  like 
this  one!  Joe,  that  goes  for  Mark's  &  Anthony, 
Nero,  Romeo,  Three  Weeks,  Flo  Ziegfeld  and  etc. 
If  they  is  such  a  thing  as  angels,  they  look  like  this 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  49 

one.  Her  hair  is  all  piled  up  on  top  of  her  head 
and  she  could  of  win  a  beauty  contest  on  that  alone. 
She's  got  a  complexion  that  would  make  a  whole 
hot  house  full  of  roses  look  like  a  bed  of  cabbage 
and  speakin'  of  figures,  as  people  will,  well, 
Joe — words  fail  me,  as  the  deaf  mute  says.  She's 
got  on  some  wonderful  dress  which  ain't  doin'  her 
various  charms  a  bit  of  harm  and  standin*  right 
there  with  her  lips  half  parted — Oh,  boy !!!!!!  Joe, 
I  thro  wed  away  a  ham  sandwich  I  had  just  made, 
stood  up  and  leaned  back  against  the  wash  tubs, 
gaspin*  for  breath.  My  heart  was  slammin' 
against  my  ribs  like  it  wanted  to  jump  out  and 
go  away  from  there  and  I  was  tremblin'  all  over 
like  a  guy  which  is  a  nervously  wreck.  The  only 
time  I  ever  felt  that  way  in  my  life  before,  Joe,  was 
the  first  time  I  went  over  the  top.  We  stand 
there  for  prob'ly  three  seconds  without  nobody 
sayin'  a  word.  I  can't — and  she  won't.  Joe,  I 
tried  to  say  somethin'  and  my  tongue  lays  down  on 
me,  but  my  feet  don't!  I  am  across  that  there 
kitchen  in  one  jump  and  the  next  second  I  got  my 
arms  around  this  here  opium  fiend's  dream  and 
why  shouldn't  I  be  kissin'  her,  because  Joe — it's 
Jeanne! 

Well,  it's  a  good  five  minutes  anyways  before 
she's  bawlin'  me  out  for  mussin'  her  up  and  etc.  and 
sayin'  she  expects  them  friends  of  hers  any  minute, 


50       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

but,  Joe,  she's  still  got  her  arms  around  me  and  / 
was  the  first  one  to  hear  the  telephone  ring.  We 
let  it  ring.  For  awhile  we  was  Ed.  Harmon  and 
Jeanne  and  then,  Joe,  them  birds  commence  to 
arrive  and  we  turn  immediately  into  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
E.  Edison  Harmon. 

Joe,  it  was  a  tough  night  for  me  from  then  on. 
They  was  a  lot  of  dames  come  in,  many  of  which 
is  boss  good  lookers  and  all  of  which  was  dressed 
to  thrill,  but  the  male  delegation  all  looked  to  me 
like  conscientious  objectors  and  Class  V  in  the 
draft.  I  get  introduced  all  around  to  a  lot  of 
Brown-Smiths  and  J.  Elderberry  Winston-Succo 
tash  or  words  to  that  effect  and  whilst  I  hated  the 
whole  lot  of  'em,  they  wasn't  no  question  about 
'em  all  bein'  class.  Joe,  I  loathe  them  birds,  but 
you  gotta  give  it  to  'em !  They  got  a  certain  some- 
thin' about  'em  which  makes  a  guy  like  me  feel  like  a 
waiter  whether  he  wants  to  or  not.  The  way  them 
dames  says  they  was  charmed  to  meet  me  and  the 
way  them  male  bodyguards  of  theirs  lit  a  cigarette, 
for  the  example,  made  me  feel  I  was  shy  of  some- 
thin',  though  what  it  was  I  didn't  know.  All  of 
which  only  infuriates  me  the  more !  They  all  claims 
they  had  heard  all  about  me  and  what  am  I  doin' 
now  and  the  ladies  call  me  "lieutenant"  and  the 
males  begins  "Old  mannin"  me  to  death.  Joe,  I 
am  used  to  bein'  made  a  fuss  over  and  bein'  a 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  51 

human  bein'  I  like  it,  but  them  birds  all  gimme  the 
idea  they  was  interested  in  me  the  same  way  they 
would  be  in  some  wildly  animal  at  the  zoo  or  the 
fat  lady  at  the  circus.  I  didn't  feel  right  and  when 
I  says  I  am  playin'  baseball  for  a  livin'  and  my 
naturally  quick  ear  catches  a  coupla  sniffs  from 
some  of  them  dames — well,  Joe,  it  didn't  make  me 
feel  no  better. 

Joe,  the  dinner  passes  off  without  no  bloodshed 
though  I  managed  to  spill  a  oyster  cocktail  over  a 
dame  next  to  me  but  I  couldn't  help  it  on  account 
of  bein'  both  angry  and  nervous  and  if  the  guy 
which  brung  the  dame  in  had  opened  his  mouth,  I 
was  all  set  to  let  him  have  it  on  the  chin.  Then, 
Joe,  the  dancin'  commences.  Joe,  I  dance  the 
same  way  a  armless  guy  can  play  the  fiddle,  so  I 
get  sandwiched  in  on  the  sofa  between  a  coupla 
dames  which  only  wants  to  know  did  I  find  the 
war  vicious  or  not  and  how  many  Germans  did 
I  kill  the  first  day.  In  the  meanwhile,  they  is  one 
of  them  ladies'  men  dancin'  around  with  Jeanne 
and  Joe,  this  guy  grabbed  every  dance  and  they 
was  goin'  so  well  that  the  rest  of  'em  stopped  to 
watch  it.  When  a  fat  dame  next  to  me  says, 
"You'd  think  they  was  made  for  each  other!" 
speakin'  of  Jeanne  and  this  simp,  I  had  reached  the 
last  straws  and  I  jumped  up  off  the  sofa  and  shut 
off  the  music.  Joe,  every  eye  in  the  place  was  on 


52       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

me  and  it  was  about  as  embarrassin'  as  walkin*  up 
Fifth  Avenue  in  pyjamas,  but  I  have  been  in  tight 
holes  before.  In  the  midst  of  the  deadly  silence 
and  a  frown  from  Jeanne  which  would  of  killed  a 
guy  which  hadn't  been  a  clean  liver,  I  says  in  a 
calmly  voice. 

"Let's  all  shoot  craps!"  at  the  same  time 
producin'  a  pair  of  bones  from  my  pocket. 

Joe,  for  a  minute  they  is  not  a  word  and  then 
Jeanne  laughs  kinda  nervous  and  skips  over  and 
turns  on  the  music  again  and  I  catch  a  dame 
eyin*  me  through  a  pair  of  glasses  with  a  cane  on 
the  end  and  I  give  the  whole  thing  up  and  beat  it 
to  the  corner,  leavin'  the  party  flat  on  its  back! 

Well,  Joe,  I  gotta  stand  for  a  lotta  kiddin'  from 
the  pinochle  hounds  on  account  of  comin'  in  with 
this  evenin's  dress  on,  but  when  they  seen  how 
sore  I  was  and  heard  me  offer  to  knock  any  three 
of  'em  cold  if  they  didn't  lay  off  of  me,  we  had 
peace  and  quiet.  I  play  auction  'til  one  o'clock, 
losin'  eight  berries  on  the  night  on  account  of 
biddin'  wild  through  rage  and  then  I  go  to  what 
was  once  my  happy  and  etc.  home.  I  tried  to 
sneak  in,  but  Jeanne  is  waitin'  for  me  and  nails  me. 

Joe,  if  she  looked  good  dressed  for  the  party,  she 
was  a  knockout  now.  I  says  "Halloo  sweetheart, " 
and  she  says  "Sit  down,  Edouard!"  in  a  coldly 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  53 

Well,  Joe,  that  was  the  first  shot  fired  in  the 
battle  of  the  Royal  Majestic  Superb  Apartments, 
$150  the  month. 

She  begin,  Joe,  by  givin'  me  a  terrible  bawlin* 
out  for  leavin'  her  party  and  then  she  says  I  gotta 
either  give  up  her  or  the  gang  on  the  corner.  The 
next  requirement  of  the  armistice  is  that  I  gotta 
learn  the  English  language  and  before  I  can  re 
cover  from  that,  she  trots  out  the  heavy  artillery 
— /  gotta  give  up  baseball  ! 

Joe  this  here  last  thing  was  too  much  for  me 
and  I  grabbed  a  chance  when  she  stopped  for 
breath  and  cut  loose  myself.  I  says  I  will  not 
give  up  my  old  friends  for  nobody  and  baseball  is 
my  livin' — and  hers  too — and  I  would  be  a  simp 
to  give  it  up,  and  as  long  as  I  am  payin '  the  ex 
penses,  she  should  worry  what  I  do.  Well,  then 
Joe,  she  arises  from  up  off  the  chair  and  plays  her 
ace.  She  says  one  of  the  guys  which  was  up  at  her 
party  was  a  big  movie  director  and  he  says  she  is  a 
ideal  type  and  won't  she  step  down  to  his  studio 
the  first  chance  she  gets.  She  says  she's  gonna 
go  in  the  movies  to  help  pay  our  expenses  and 
maybe  she  can  get  me  in  too  and  I  won't  have  to 
be  no  roughneck  ball  player. 

Joe,  I  am  on  the  verge  of  the  D.  T's  by  this  time 
and  I  ask  her  don't  she  love  me  no  more  in  a 
tremblin'ly  voice  and  at  tkat  she  forgets  she 


54      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

is  sore  and  just  simply  sprang  across  the  room  to 
me  and  we  were  Ed.  and  Jeanne  once  again  for  a 
minute.  After  we  have  got  it  all  settled  whether 
she  loves  me  or  not,  Joe,  she  says  that  all  of  this  is 
bein'  done  for  my  own  good  and  my  baby's. 
She  says  she  wants  me  to  get  outa  baseball  and  get 
into  somethin'  big  where  I  won't  be  all  through 
whilst  I  am  still  a  young  man  and  also  she  wants 
me  to  meet  nice  people  and  speak  the  English 
language  correct  and  etc.  and  she  will  stand  by  me 
and  help  me  no  matter  what  happens,  because 
they  will  never  be  nobody  like  Ed.  Harmon  to  her. 
Joe,  then  she  says  why  don't  I  jump  the  team 
right  then  and  there  and  stay  with  her  instead  of 
leavin*  immediately  on  the  train  which  will  make 
her  all  alone. 

"How  are  we  gonna  live?"  I  says  "I  gotta  do 
somethin'  and " 

"Ah,  oui!"  she  butts  in,  kissin'  me,  "but 
Monsieur  Frothingham  has  promise  me  that  if 
you  come  down  to-morrow  to  his  office  he  will 
give  you  those  portfolio  as  a  salesman  for  the 
motor  car  and " 

"Who's  this  guy?"  I  says. 

"Do  you  not  then  remember?"  says  Jeanne. 
"I  dance  with  him  to-night — Oh,  very  much. 
He " 

"That's  enough!"  I  hollers,  jumpin'  up,  Joe, 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  55 

I  am  immediately  the  victim  of  the  red  eyed 
monster  known  as  jealous.  "This  guy  wants  to 
gimme  a  job  so's  he  can  dance  with  you,  hey?'* 
I  bellers.  "Well,  I'm  through!  You  can  do  what 
you  want.  It's  either  me  or  your  friends  and 
I'll  give  you  'til  I  come  back  to  think  it  over!" 

Joe,  with  that  I  rushed  in  and  kissed  my  baby 
and  dashed  from  the  house  without  another  word. 
Jeanne  called  after  me  as  I  was  slammin'  the 
door,  but  I  made  out  like  I  didn't  hear  her  and  half 
way  down  I  was  gonna  come  back,  but  I  would  of 
missed  the  train  if  I  did.  Anyways,  I  sent  her 
two  telegrams  from  the  station  apologizin',  for 
everything.  What  it'll  get  me  I  don't  know. 
We  are  due  in  New  York  at  eleven  to-night,  Joe 
and  for  Heaven's  sakes  wish  me  luck,  because  if  I 
ever  lose  Jeanne  they  will  be  another  lunatic 
at  the  large. 

Yours  truly, 

Ed.  HARMON.     (A  innocent  victim 
of  fate — but  still  some  pitcher). 

Riverside's  Drive,  N.  Y. 
DEAR  JOE: 

Joe,  if  they  is  a  lotta  ink  spots  and  blots  on  this, 
don't  blame  me,  because  I  can't  help  it.  I  have 
been  through  some  terribly  things  since  I  last  wrote 
you  and  it  ain't  over  yet.  I  gotta  start  against 


56       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Brooklyn  to-morrow  and  if  they  don't  paste  me 
all  over  the  lot  then  they  will  never  win  another 
ball  game,  I'll  tell  the  world!  Alongside  of  me, 
Joe,  a  guy  facin'  the  electrical  chair,  ain't  got  a 
thing  on  his  mind  and  still  and  all  I  am  a  innocent 
victim  which  wouldn't  harm  a  fly,  unless  maybe  it 
lit  on  me  somewheres. 

Well,  Joe,  when  we  pull  into  New  York  I  am  all 
ready  to  dash  for  the  telephone  and  let  Jeanne 
know  I  am  home  when  there  she  is  right  at  the 
station  and  lookin'  like  Morgan's  income  tax 
looked  to  the  revenue  guys.  Before  I  can  say 
anything  I  am  bein'  smothered  with  kisses  and 
asked  never  to  go  away  again  and  people  is  turnin ' 
to  look  at  us  and  what  do  I  care.  We  used  up 
about  a  half  hour  sayin '  hello  and  then  get  a  taxi 
and  go  home  and  Jeanne  says  she's  got  a  surprise 
for  me,  but  I  don't  pay  no  attention  to  that 
because  I  am  busy  lookin '  at  her  and  thinkin '  what 
a  lucky  guy  I  am  and  is  they  maybe  somethin' 
else  I  can  do  besides  play  baseball.  Well,  of 
course,  the  first  thing  I  wanna  see  is  my  baby  and, 
Joe,  he  is  fine  and  so  is  everything  else  and  Jeanne 
goes  outa  her  way  to  be  nice  and  the  like  and  it  was 
just  like  it  used  to  be  before  them  swell  friends  of 
hers  come  across  our  path. 

Well,  Joe,  the  next  day  is  when  the  terrible 
blow  falls.  I  ain't  got  nothin'  to  do  in  the  after- 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  5T 

noon  and  I  ask  Jeanne  where  she  wants  to  go  and 
she  says  let's  go  to  the  movies  like  we  used  to. 
Well,  Joe,  I  am  so  happy  by  this  time  that  the  roof 
could  of  fell  in  and  I  wouldn't  of  minded,  because  I 
don't  own  it  anyways  and  I  figure  that  Jeanne 
must  of  canned  her  new  found  friends  and  decided 
to  stick  with  little  old  Ed.  for  once  and  all.  Joe,  I 
says  where  would  she  like  to  go  and  she  says  they 
is  a  movie  called  "  'Twas  Her  Own  Fault,"  which 
she  understands  is  great,  and  let's  go  to  that  and  I 
says  all  right,  and  we  set  sail.  When  we  get  to  the 
theatre,  Joe,  Jeanne  won't  have  it  no  other  way 
but  we  got  to  get  seats  right  on  top  of  the  screen 
and  they  cost  fifty  cents  the  each,  but  what's  the 
difference  as  long  as  it's  my  own  wife,  hey,  Joe? 

Well,  Joe,  what  the  picture  was  all  about  I  fear 
I  will  never  know.  I  left  that  there  theatre  three 
minutes  after  I  come  in,  boilin '  with  rage  and  ready 
to  bite  nails  in  half,  not  that  nobody  asked  me  to. 
The  very  first  scene  was  in  a  ball  room  and  they  is 
about  fifty  different  people  dancin '  around  and  the 
like,  but  amongst  them  fifty  is  one  person  which 
caused  me  to  let  out  a  holler  which  was  heard  all 
over  that  theatre!  Joe,  I  know  you  will  seriously 
doubt  this,  but  one  of  them  dancers  in  that  movie 
was  no  less  than  Jeanne  ! 

My  Gawd!— hey? 

Joe,  Jeanne  grabs  my  arm  and  asks  me  not  to 


58      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

make  no  scene  in  the  theatre  and  we  get  up  and 
go  out  whilst  everybody  else  forgets  about  the 
picture  and  watches  us. 

Well,  I  am  so  crazy  mad,  Joe,  that  I  call  a  taxi 
and  we  go  home  in  that  for  $2.50  and  they  ain't  a 
word  said  all  the  way  up  except  Jeanne  bitin '  her 
nails  and  me  starin'  straightly  and  coldly  dead 
ahead.  Once  in  our  flat  I  closed  the  door  and  in  a 
voice  which  cut  like  a  razor,  I  demand  a  ex 
planation. 

I  got  what  I  ordered,  Joe ! 

First  Jeanne  tells  me  not  to  talk  to  her  like  she 
was  a  ball  player  and  take  off  my  hat  and  stand  up 
'til  she  sits  down  and  when  I  have  done  all  of 
that  like  I  am  in  a  trance,  she  tells  me  that  the 
movie  director  she  had  at  her  "dinner  party"  had 
offered  her  a  chance  to  supe  in  this  picture  for 
five  berries  a  day  and  carfare.  She  says  she 
thought  it  was  only  right  that  she  oughta  help  pay 
the  expenses  of  our  home  and  she  took  the  job  and 
had  saved  all  the  money  she  got  and  didn't  see  a 
thing  wrong  with  it.  Everybody  had  been  very 
nice  and  gentelmanly  to  her  and  I  oughta  be  glad 
she  was  doin'  her  bit  instead  of  bawlin'  her  out. 

Well,  Joe,  I  go  temporarily  nutty  and  who 
wouldn't — you  never  seen  Jeanne — and  I  says  I 
am  perfectly  capable  of  supportin'  a  wife  and  I 
can  steal  what  I  am  short  if  necessary,  but  whilst 


SHE  SUPES  TO  CONQUER  59 

I  am  pay  in '  the  bills  don't  let  her  ever  dare  to  do 
such  a  thing  like  that  again.  Well,  Joe,  it  goes 
back  and  forth  and  back  and  forth  and  we  ain't 
gettin'  nowheres  and  fin'ly  Jeanne  busts  out  and 
says  the  movie  guy  has  told  her  she  has  the 
makin's  of  a  star  and  he  will  guarantee  to  put  her 
over  and  her  salary  the  first  year  will  be  ten 
thousand  iron  men  and  that's  more  that  /  get. 
Joe,  I  start  to  rave  again  and  she  cuts  me  off  cold 
and  sharp  and  claims  that  she  only  suped  in  this 
picture  to  make  me  see  that  she  was  able  to  earn 
her  own  livin'  and  she  don't  really  like  workin* 
in  the  movies,  but  she  does  like  her  independence 
and  all  the  French  is  like  that,  and  if  you  don't 
believe  it,  ask  Germany.  Joe,  she  winds  up  by 
sayin'  that  either  I  cast  about  for  somethin*  to 
make  a  livin'  outside  of  baseball,  cut  the  gang  on 
the  corner  and  learn  to  speak  English  correct,  or 
she  will  go  into  the  movies,  and  make  my  mind  up 
quick.  Joe,  I  says  I  will  do  what  I  darn  please 
and  grab  my  hat  and  beat  it. 

Joe,  I  got  as  far  as  the  corner  and  I  went  into  a 
drug  store  and  called  Jeanne  up  and  the  first  thing 
she  says  is  "Hello,  sweetheart!"  and  that  beat  me 
and  I  says  can  I  come  up  and  she  says  she  can 
hardly  wait,  but  I  must  do  as  she  says  for  her  sake, 
my  baby's  and  my  own.  She  says  its  embar- 
rassin'  to  her  when  I  says  "guy"  and  the  like  in 


60       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

front  of  her  swell  friends  and  can't  I  just  study 
English  for  Jeanne  which  loves  me  better  than 
anything  else  on  earth  or  points  west. 

Well,  Joe,  after  that  they  is  not  much  choice 
left  to  me,  hey?  I  get  a  stationery  store  which  is 
just  closin'  and  stake  myself  to  a  book  called 
"Greenleaf's  Third  Reader"  for  a  buck  and  I  come 
up  with  it  and  when  Jeanne  sees  what  I  have  did 
I  come  near  dyin'  from  bein'  kissed  to  death. 
She  says  she  will  never  forget  it  and  we  start  the 
first  lesson  together.  Joe,  can  you  imagine  me 
sittin*  up  at  1  A.  M.  sayin', 

"See  the  cow.  Will  the  cow  hurt  the  boy? 
No!  The  cow  is  a  harmless  yet  useful  animal 
which  gives  milk  and  butter  and  meat.  The  hide 
is  also  used  in  the  manufacture  of  many  necessi 
ties  such  as  shoes  and " 

Joe,  that's  enough,  hey?    A  coupla  weeks  of 
this  stuff  and  I'll  be  all  primed  for  the  old  straight- 
jacket,  I'll  tell  the  world! 
Yours  truly, 

Ed.  HARMON.     (Which  will  go  the 
limit  for  love). 


CHAPTER  III 

A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T 

THIRD  INNING 

Riverside's  Drive,  N.  Y. 
DEAR  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  no  doubt  you  have  been  doin'  nothin' 
but  wonderin '  why  you  ain't  heard  from  me  in  so 
long  and  am  I  dead  or  what  the  devils  is  the  matter 
and  etc.  Joe,  I  am  not  exactly  dead,  but  I  have 
had  a  terrible  time  of  lately  and  don't  tell  me  the 
formerly  kaiser  is  worried,  because  I  got  more  on 
my  mind  that  that  big  stiff  ever  had,  no  kiddin'! 
In  the  first  place,  it  has  been  weeks  since  I  win  a 
game  and  all  I  been  doin'  is  fattenin'  the  battin' 
averages  of  the  other  clubs  and  makin'  tramps 
which  usually  is  in  the  habit  of  hittin'  less  than 
their  age  look  like  second  Ty  Cobbs  and  new  Babe 
Ruths.  Even  that  there  collection  of  semi-pros 
which  plays  under  the  alias  of  the  Boston  Braves 
tied  into  me  the  other  day  and  Mac  removed  me 
by  hand  after  six  innin's  when  everybody  but 
Stallin's  himself  had  got  a  fistful  of  hits. 

Well,  Joe,  after  that  game,  which  was  prob'ly  no 

61 


62      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

doubt  the  most  unusual  one  the  Braves  has  played 
this  season  on  account  of  them  winnin '  it,  Mac  and 
me  had  a  short  heart  to  heart  talk  for  two  hours  in 
the  club  house.  Joe,  he  got  very  unreasonably 
and  claims  I  am  layin '  down  on  him  like  a  dog  and 
not  givin'  the  club  the  best  I  got  and  that  too  much 
public  fame  and  etc.  has  went  to  my  head  and 
runed  me  for  practical  use.  He  says  I  will  have  to 
take  a  brace  terrible  swift  and  show  somethin' 
for  the  jack  he's  givin*  me  or  else  I  will  get  a 
immediately  chance  to  see  how  I  like  either 
Jersey  City  or  Toronto,  accordin'  to  which  one 
will  fall  for  me. 

"Well,"  I  says,  when  he  had  spoke  his  fill,  "I 
can't  help  it!  They's  no  use  bawlin'  me  out, 
because  that  will  get  us  nowheres.  If  bawlin'  a 
guy  out  would  make  him  good  a  umpire  would 
become  the  greatest  guy  in  the  world  over  night! 
You  can't  get  me  sore,  not  even  if  you  give  me  the 
raspberry  off  of  the  team.  My  wife  don't  want  me 
to  be  no  ball  player  anyways!" 

"Tell  your  wife  not  to  worry,"  snarls  this 
sarcastical  stiff,  "I'll  tell  the  world  you  ain't  /" 

Well,  Joe,  one  word  led  to  the  other  and  fin'ly 
I  asked  for  a  week  off  to  rest  up  and  pull  myself 
together  and  Mac  says  there  is  no  need  for  me  to 
tear  back  madly  on  his  account  and  I  can  take 
all  the  rest  of  the  weeks  which  is  left  if  I  wanna 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  63 

and  maybe  me  bein '  away  will  no  doubt  cinch  the 
pennant  for  the  club. 

Joe,  I  left  him  in  a  wildly  rage,  because  if  I  had 
stayed  there  another  minute  I  would  of  most 
doubtless  give  him  a  clout  in  the  nose  or  the  like 
and  prob'ly  got  knocked  kickin'  in  return. 

Well,  I  suppose  you  are  searchin'  your  brain 
wonderin'  what  has  happened  to  me  and  my 
world's  famous  invincible  pitchin*  arm,  hey? 
Joe,  it's  a  tough  life  and  a  guy  ain't  sure  from  one 
day  to  another  which  way  things  is  gonna  break, 
if  at  all,  and  what  has  befell  unto  me  was  like  a 
rollin'  stone  from  a  clear  sky.  Mac  give  out  to 
the  papers  that  I  was  laid  up  on  account  of  a  small 
bone  snappin'  off  in  my  arm  or  my  head  or  some- 
thin',  but  that's  the  bunk.  Joe,  what  I  am 
actually  laid  up  with  is  a  broken  heart. 

Jeanne  has  went  bodily  into  the  movies! 

Joe,  that  there  thing  alone  would  be  more  than 
enough  to  make  the  average  guy  quaff  off  a 
flagon  of  carbolic,  but  it  ain't  f  of  what  has  come 
to  pass  in  my  formerly  happy  and  delightfull 
home.  I  am  forced  to  sit  up  'til  from  2  to  3 
every  A.  M.  and  do  nothin'  less  than  study  the 
English  language  which  Jeanne  claims  I  speak  now 
like  I  had  picked  it  up  in  or  about  Afghanistan. 
In  the  day's  time,  when  I  ain't  playin'  ball  or 
bein'  a  arthur  for  the  newspapers  and  etc.,  I  got  to 


64       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

go  to  school  to  a  little  old  guy  which  was  once  a 
professor  from  one  of  them  big  football  colleges 
and  is  now  tryin'  to  make  a  honest  livin'.  For 
three  dollars  the  hour  and  not  a  nickel  off  for  cash, 
this  guy  beats  into  my  head  the  sensational  fact 
that  it's  all  wrong  to  say,  "I  ain't  got  nothin'," 
and  the  like.  He  also  tells  me  a  lotta  hop  about 
singles  and  plurals  and  where  does  this  bird  get 
off  to  teach  me  anything  about  singles  when  I  led 
the  National  League  in  hittin '  for  two  successively 
days  at  the  beginnin*  of  the  season?  When  he  shows 
mercy  and  lets  me  go  every  day,  Joe,  I  am  gave  a  pa 
per  with  a  lotta  maniacal  stuff  on  it  like,  "To  be  or 
not  to  be,  aha,  there's  a  question  for  you!"  which 
same  was  wrote  by  a  fathead  named  Hamlet, 
which  accordin'  to  the  rest  of  the  novel  killed  his 
mother's  uncle,  but  was  released  on  a  technicality. 
Joe,  I  copied  this  stuff  down  for  three  days  like 
teacher  told  me  and  got  manys  the  laugh  outa  it 
and  then  I  thought  I  would  knock  the  newspapers 
I  am  a  arthur  for  silly  by  showin'  'em  English 
and  me  was  far  from  strangers.  So  what  do  I  do, 
Joe,  but  write  my  stuff  in  the  most  exquisitely 
English  one  day  and  the  sporting's  editor  throws 
it  into  the  waste  basket  and  says  write  it  over  in 
my  own  way,  because  they  have  hired  me  to  write 
slang  and  not  English  and  if  they  want  the  latterly 
they  can  get  it  for  $18  the  week. 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  65 

Well,  that  kinda  puts  me  up  against  it,  because 
if  I  get  into  the  habit  of  speakin'  nothin'  but  the 
purely  English  I  will  lose  my  job  and  if  I  don't 
I  will  lose  my  wife,  but  bein'  a  guy  which  is  as  full 
of  ideas  as  Georgia  is  full  of  Southerners,  I  im 
mediately  and  at  once  doped  out  a  scheme  to 
gimme  a  out  from  this  jam,  or  critically  situation 
as  the  highbrows  wouldst  call  it.  I  went  to  work 
and  hired  a  kid  which  lives  in  the  next  flat  and  is  a 
high  school  inmate  to  copy  off  this  stuff  for  me  and 
when  I  hand  it  in  every  day  the  old  guy  which  is 
slippin'  this  education  de  luxe  grins  like  a  wolf  and 
claims  I'm  marvelous  and  I  admit  it. 

Joe,  most  doubtless  you  will  wanna  know  how 
come  Jeanne  to  get  into  the  movies  when  with 
this  and  with  that  I  am  draggin'  down  enough 
jack  each  week  to  support  starvin*  Armenia  if  it 
needst  be,  not  that  they  ever  asked  me.  Also 
why  should  she  give  a  shark's  leg  whether  or 
not  they  is  somethin'  seriously  wrong  with  my 
grammar  when  the  English  she  uses  herself  is 
liberally  mixed  with  French  and  |  the  time  I 
gotta  guess  what  she's  sayin'.  The  answer  to 
this  is  Joe,  that  Jeanne  as  you  might  have  sus 
pected  is  a  member  of  the  female's  sex  and  there's 
that! 

Well,  the  movie  thing  started  when  Jeanne  got 
that  job  as  a  extry  lady  in  one  of  them  too  many 


66      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

reel  thrillers  called,  "  'Twas  Her  Own  Fault ! "  Just 
what  a  extry  lady  is  I  can't  say  at  this  date,  Joe, 
but  that  fits  Jeanne  all  right  which  is  not  only 
somethin*  extry  but  five-star  special,  besides. 

After  we  have  chastised  the  neighbors  by  dis- 
cussin '  the  thing  'til  half  the  tenants  in  the  house 
sets  out  in  the  dead  of  night  to  look  for  other 
apartments,  Jeanne  give  in  and  says  she  will  quit 
the  movies  if  I  will  drop  baseball  for  life  and  have 
my  supply  of  English  completely  overhauled. 
Bein'  a  glutton  for  punishment,  Joe,  I  went  out 
and  filed  my  application  with  the  nearest  kinder 
garten  and  says  I  will  vanish  from  baseball  as  soon 
as  I  can  get  another  job. 

This  here  caused  some  of  the  hostilities  to  let  up 
for  awhile,  Joe,  and  the  nearest  thing  to  actual  peace 
a  guy  which  is  happily  married  can  get,  was  had. 

Well,  I  went  out  on  the  road  with  the  club  and 
started  off  like  a  burnin'  oil  well,  Joe,  as  far  as 
pitchin*  is  concerned.  The  Pittsburg  Pirates 
could  do  nothin '  with  me  at  all  and  outa  two  games 
I  hurled  against  them  babies  I  win  a  even  one. 
Is  they  anything  wrong  with  that?  In  Chicago 
I  was  poison's  ivy  to  the  Cubs.  I  went  in  against 
them  guys  three  times  and  the  best  they  could  do 
was  to  cop  the  first  two  by  the  narrow  margins  of 
three  runs  each  and  although  they  put  in  pinch 
hitters  and  shifted  their  battin'  order  this  way 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  67 

and  that  they  could  only  take  the  third  game 
5  to  2.  Mac  pitched  me  exactly  but  once  against 
the  Cincinnati  Reds  and  you  know  how  them  guys 
was  travellin'  in  July,  hey?  Well,  it  was  all 
different  when  they  went  up  against  me!  Joe, 
although  them  birds  went  crazy  and  tried  their 
best  to  take  the  heart  outa  me  with  hits,  I  lasted  a 
full  five  innin's  before  at  a  wink  from  Mac  I  went 
to  the  showers  and  let  a  new  kid  we  got  from 
Mobile  go  in  and  win  the  thing  8  to  7,  to  put  a 
little  confidence  in  the  boy,  this  bein '  his  first  start. 

Of  course,  Joe,  I  realize  fully  well  that  it  would 
of  looked  just  as  good  in  the  box  scores  if  I  would 
of  win  some  of  them  games  instead  of  simply 
cuttin'  the  finishes  fine,  but  you  or  nobody  else 
ain't  got  no  idea  of  the  terribly  mental  strains  I  was 
underneath  all  the  time  whilst  we  was  on  the  road. 
Here  I  am  away  from  home  almost  three  weeks  and 
in  all  that  time  the  only  word  I  get  from  Jeanne  is 
eleven  letters,  seven  telegrams  and  a  bare  dozen 
souvenir  post  cards.  How  do  I  know  what  she  is 
doin'  from  that?  How  do  I  know  what  has  be 
come  of  my  baby,  if  anything?  I'm  thinkin' 
night  and  day  that  she  must  be  terrible  busy  if 
she  ain't  got  time  to  keep  up  a  regular  corres 
pondence  with  me  and  if  she's  busy,  why,  what  is 
she  busy  at,  hey,  Joe? 

Well,  Joe,  that  was  when  I  asked  Mac  for  the 


68       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

vacation,  havin'  stood  about  all  the  worry  and 
etc.  a  human's  bein'  could  without  turnin'  into 
a  ravin's  maniac.  Joe,  I  am  in  no  less  than 
Boston  at  the  time  and  after  I  have  peaceified  Mac, 
I  grab  hold  of  the  first  train  for  New  York  and  in 
the  hurry  and  excitement  what  do  I  do  but  forget 
to  rent  a  hammock  in  the  sleepin's  car,  with  the 
sensational  result  that  I  gotta  sit  up  all  night  in  the 
club's  car  with  the  black  as  the  shades  of  night 
porters.  Well,  along  around  3  in  the  A.  M.  one  of 
them  etheyopiums  shows  some  indications  of 
brains  and  says  let's  shoot  a  trifle  craps  and  I 
could  scarcely  keep  from  gettin'  the  hystericals 
outa  pure  joy,  because  I  don't  have  to  tell  you, 
Joe,  what  a  wolf  I  am  with  the  bones,  hey? 

A  porter  which  is  as  big  as  Pike's  Peak  and  as 
black  as  $48  worth  the  coal,  sheds  a  set  of  dice 
from  somewheres  and  the  entertainment  begins. 
Joe,  I  made  about  as  many  passes  in  the  first  hour 
as  this  here  fast  and  deluxe  express  train  was 
makin'  miles!  All  you  could  see  of  them  porters 
was  the  whites  of  their  eyes.  I  took  'em  down  the 
line  toot  sweet  one  after  the  other  and  Sweet 
Cookie — how  them  babies  did  squeal!  By  the 
tune  we  was  roarin'  through  Mt.  Vernon  I  was 
over  a  hundred  fish  to  the  good  and  then  I  lose  the 
bones  to  this  big  human  ink  ad,  which  was  pop- 
eyed  and  breathin'  hard. 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  69 

"C'mon  yere  to  papa!"  he  yells  to  them  bones 
and,  Joe,  I'll  say  they  did! 

That  bird  simply  sevened  and  elevened  like 
that's  all  the  numbers  they  was  on  the  dice  and  at 
Grand  Central  he  had  took  me  for  everything  but 
my  watch,  as  I  quit  cold  when  I  lose  the  chain. 
This  baby  could  do  more  with  two  dice  than 
Russell  Sage  ever  done  with  two  dollars  and  when 
I  bellered  that  they  must  be  crooked  he  tucks  my 
jack  in  his  pocket  and  lets  forth  a  grin. 

"  Mos '  doubtless,  boss !"  he  says.  "  Mos '  doubt 
less  they  is.  But  then  again,  them's  the  same 
evidentical  bones  which  you  run  us  ragged  with, 
so  it's  even  Stephen!" 

I  hadda  borreh  a  nickel  from  the  Pullman's 
conductor  to  go  up  home  in  the  subway,  which  was 
tough,  Joe,  because  you  know  what  a  hound  I  am 
for  taxis. 

Well,  Joe,  naturally  enough  I  was  in  a  terrible 
humor  when  I  got  up  to  my  flat  after  all  these 
here  things  havin*  befell  unto  me,  but  I  thought 
that  the  minute  I  seen  Jeanne  and  my  baby  and 
had  a  hearts  to  hearts  talk  with  'em  about  this  and 
that,  everything  wouldst  be  peaches  again.  Goin ' 
up  in  the  elevator,  I  realized  how  lonesome  it  must 
be  for  my  little  wife  with  me  away  half  the  time 
and  etc.  and  that  maybe  it  wouldst  be  a  good  thing 
after  all  if  I  would  quit  baseball  and  grab  off  a  job 


70      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

where  I  could  stay  in  one  place  all  the  time,  like 
traffic  cop  or  somethin'. 

Joe,  when  I  get  outside  the  door  of  my  flat  my 
ears  is  astonished  with  the  sounds  of  musically 
instruments  at  play.  They  is  a  piano  and  a 
coupla  fiddles  goin'  at  the  very  least  and  other 
noises  comin '  forth  which  a  guy  don't  have  to  be  a 
palm's  reader  to  figure  that  dancin'  and  etc.  is 
bein'  had.  Well,  I  think  maybe  Jeanne  has  asked 
the  dame  from  next  door  to  come  in  and  keep  her 
company  for  one  night  so's  she  won't  perish  from 
bein'  alone  and  she  will  no  doubt  leave  the  minute 
she  sees  me  come  in  so's  I  can  have  a  private  talk 
with  my  wife  and  also  somethin'  to  eat  and  like 
that.  With  that  I  ring  the  bell.  Joe,  little  did  I 
know  what  I  was  gonna  go  through  in  the  next  few 
hours,  or  I  would  never  of  pushed  that  little  white 
button! 

In  a  minute  the  door  opens  and  a  swell  lookin' 
dame  with  a  short  white  lace  apron  on  and  some 
more  lace  on  top  of  her  head,  stands  before  me  and 
looks  me  up  and  down  as  cold  as  the  middle  of 
Alaska.  With  the  openin'  of  the  door  the  music 
and  chatter  gets  much  louder  and  takin'  a  slant 
over  this  dame's  shoulder  I  see  a  lotta  people  in 
evenin's  clothes  strollin'  back  and  forth  or  dancin'. 
I  picked  up  my  suit  case  and  took  off  my  hat. 

"Excuse  me!"  I  says,  feelin'  like  a  boob,  *'I 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  71 

have  gone  to  work  and  rang  the  wrong  bell.  I 
was  lookin'  for  Harmon's  flat." 

This  dame  immediately  gets  38  degrees  cooler. 

"This  is  Mrs.  Harmon's  apartment,"  she  says, 
(like  she  was  sayin',  "Take  the  groceries  around  to 
the  back!") 

Joe,  d'ye  get  that?  Mrs.  Harmon's  apart 
ment! 

"  Mrs.  Ed.  Harmon?  "  I  says. 

"  Mrs.  E.  Edison  Harmon,"  she  tells  me,  movin' 
to  close  the  door. 

"Wait  a  minute ! "  I  says.  " Tell  her  I  wanna  see 
her  right  away,  will  you?" 

Up  goes  this  dame's  eyebrows. 

"Who  wants  to  see  her?"  she  says. 

Joe,  this  here  was  gettin'  my  goat. 

"E.  Edison  Harmon!"  I  hollers.  "C'mon  now, 
make  it  snappy.  I 

"Have  you  a  card?"  butts  in  the  human  ice 
berg. 

I  was  just  gonna  push  by  her  into  the  flat,  when  a 
familiarly  voice  comes  from  the  inside: 

"Marie,  why  do  you  wait?  Close  then  the  door 
— I  will  see  no  one!" 

"Jeanne!"  I  yells,  droppin*  the  suit  case  on 
friend  Marie's  foot. 

Joe,  out  into  the  hall  stepped  a  girl.  They 
ain't  nothin'  unusually  in  that,  but  Sweet  Cookie — 


72       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

you  should  of  got  a  flash  at  this  one!  The  only 
way  you'll  ever  see  another  one  anywheres  near 
like  her,  Joe,  is  to  eat  $50,000  worth  the  opium 
and  then  go  to  sleep !  She  would  of  been  a  knock 
out  leanin'  over  a  washtub,  but  not  even  the 
combined  imaginations  of  every  guy  which  ever 
wrote  a  pome  could  give  you  even  a  faintly  idea  of 
how  she  looked  in  this  evenin's  gown  she  was 
featurin'  now!  I  remember  thinkin'  of  red  roses, 
gleamin '  white  ivory,  Georgia  peaches  with  Grade 
A.  cream,  Annette  Kellerman,  Mary  Pickford 
and  the  first  time  I  seen  the  Grand  Canyon.  Joe, 
the  blood  begin  to  pump  through  my  veins  and  I 
give  a  shiver  like  the  first  time  we  was  in  them  dear 
old  front  line  trenches  with  Fritzie  close  enough 
to  snipe. 

And  think,  Joe — I'm  wed  to  this  riot!     Wow! 

"Edouard,  ma  cherie  /'*  she  hollers  back,  and 
the  next  second  we  are  clasped  in  a  fondly  embrace. 
This  here  Marie  looks  like  she  was  gonna  faint 
outa  simple  surprise  and  then  beats  it  inside. 
The  minute  I  can  get  my  breath,  I  points  over 
Jeanne's  shoulder  at  the  mob  in  the  front  rooms. 

"What's  all  this  stuff,  hey?"  I  says. 

"Ssh!"  whispers  Jeanne,  puttin'  a  hand  over  my 
mouth,  draggin'  me  into  the  bedroom  and  closin' 
the  door.  "It  is  but  the  small  dinner  dance.  A 
few  friends."  She  kisses  me  again,  Joe,  and  then 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  73 

starts  draggin'  my  evenin's  dress  outa  the  bureau. 
"But  wait  then,"  she  says,  "you  shall  meet  them 
all,  cheriel" 

I  sit  down  on  the  bed  and  throwed  my  hat  on  a 
chair, 

"Another  party  here,  hey?"  I  growls.  "What 
does  them  friends  of  yours  think  this  is — Carnegie 
Hall?  Don't  they  never  give  no  blowouts  no- 
wheres  but  at  my  flat?" 

Joe,  she  grabs  hold  of  my  coat  and  starts  takin* 
it  off. 

"Hurry!"  she  smiles,  "I  will  explain  everything 
in  not  too  long.  Quick  then — you  must  have  the 
shave.  I  will  tell  Marie  to  prepare  water  and " 

"Who's  Marie?"  I  says,  whilst  Jeanne  yanks 
off  my  collar  and  tie  like  I  was  a  infant  baby  or  the 
etc. 

"Marie?"  says  Jeanne.  "Oh — she  is  our  new 
femme  de  chambre.  She  is  most  excellent,  no? 
And  only  seventy-five  dollars  a  month!" 

"Wow!"  I  hollers.  "What  d'ye  mean  only  ? 
Seventy-five  berries,  hey?  How  long  since  I 
been  able  to  afford  any  seventy-five  dollar  maids, 
hey?  I  hadda  ride  in  the  subway  to  come  up  from 
the  railroad  station  and  you " 

"Viola!"  says  Jeanne,  gettin*  out  my  dress, 
shirt.  "Why  then  did  you  not  'phone  Jeanne? 
I  would  have  sent  the  chauffeur  with  the  car!" 


74      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Oh,  boy!!! 

Joe,  I  jumped  up  off  the  bed  like  somebody  had 
bellered  "Fire!" 

"Chauffeur  ?"  I  hollers,  clawin'  at  my  throat. 
"Since  when  have  I  had  a  chauffeur  ?" 

"Ssh!"  smiles  Jeanne,  handin'  me  my  studs. 
"Of  what  use  then  is  our  motor  car  to  Jeanne 
when  Edouard  is  away?  I  have  engage  a  me 
chanic  of  the  finest  with  tres  bien  reference  from 
everybody .  He ' ' 

"What  are  you  givin*  this  burglar,  before  I 
fire  him?"  I  butts  in. 

"Poof!"  says  Jeanne,  powderin*  her  nose. 
"It  is  nothing.  Forty  dollars  a  week  and " 

Joe,  I  staggered  back  and  fell  on  the  bed  again. 
I  am  faint  all  over  and  I  can  feel  myself  turnin' 
pale  around  the  gills. 

"Listen!"  I  says,  in  a  coldly  and  deadly  voice. 
"Heaven  must  of  put  it  hi  to  my  head  to  come 
home  now.  How  much  have  you  got  me  in  hock 
for  already?" 

She  raises  them  million  dollar  eyebrows  kinda 
puzzled. 

"What  do  I  owe  and  who,  so  far?"  I  explains. 

"Oh!"  she  says,  brightenin'  up,  "please  let  us 
not  discuss  money  now,  Edouard.  My  guests 
wait  and  I  must  go.  There — everything  is 
ready  for  you  and  Marie  shall  bring  the  water^for 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  75 

the  shave!"  She  gimme  a  chastely  salute,  Joe, 
and  starts  for  the  door.  Before  I  went  uncon 
scious  altogether,  I  nailed  her. 

"Wait!"  I  says,  still  very  faint.  "I  have  came 
all  the  way  from  Boston  to  see  you  alone  and  here 
you  are  givin'  a  party!  Where  is  my  baby?" 

Joe,  for  a  minute  I  was  afraid  she  might  of  sold 
him  or  somethin'  in  order  to  get  all  this  dough. 

"Weelson  sleeps,"  she  says,  "you  shall  see  him 
to-morrow.  He  is  in  the  most  excellent  health 
and  has  ask  for  you  twice  in  the  last  month.  If  he 
is  wake  now,  he  will  not  sleep  all  night,  n'est  ce 
pas?" 

By  this  time,  Joe,  I  am  too  overcome  with  the 
way  things  is  breakin'  to  make  even  a  mildly 
protest,  but  as  Jeanne  starts  for  the  door  again  I 
says  I  am  on  the  brink  of  starvation  and  can't  I 
duck  out  to  the  ice  box  and  grab  off  a  snack  of 
somethin'  be  it  ever  so  humble  and  Jeanne  says 
she  will  send  Marie  in  with  a  bite  which  I  can  take 
on  the  fly  whilst  shavin'  and  at  midnight  on  the 
dot  a  supper  will  be  served  by  a  cater. 

Well,  I  am  staggerin*  around  the  room  in  a 
trance  wonderin'  where  the  jack  is  comin'  from 
to  pay  for  all  this,  includin '  the  supper  from  a  cater 
which  alone  will  prob'ly  murder  a  hundred  dollar 
bill,  when  they  is  a  lightly  rap  at  the  door  and  I 
manage  to  breath  come  in  and  no  less  than  the 


76       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

channin'  Marie  opens  the  door.  She  has  got  a 
a  pitcher  of  hot  water  and  a  coupla  towels  with 
her  and  she  makes  me  a  present  of  all  of  'em  and 
says  is  they  anything  else,  the  while  givin'  me  a 
odd  look.  I  says  where  is  the  eats  and  she  goes 
out  and  comes  back  again  in  a  minute  with  a  soup 
tureen  full  of  the  weirdest  lookin '  stuff  I  ever  seen 
in  my  life.  I  took  it  over  to  the  window  and 
gazed  at  it  from  every  angle  but  failed  to  identify 
it. 

"What's  this  stuff?"  I  says  to  Marie. 

"Oyster  souffle,  sir,"  she  said. 

"Did  you  make  it?"  I  asks  her. 

Up  goes  her  eyebrows. 

"Indeed  no,  sir!"  she  says,  increasin'  cold 
with  westerly  winds  agin,  "I  am  not  the  cook!" 

"Well  who  did  make  it — the  chauffeur?"  I  says. 

She  let  forth  a  giggle. 

"No  sir,"  she  says.  "Marucci  Sons  and  Com 
pany,  Limited,  are  serving  the  supper,  sir." 

"Well  that's  tough, "  I  says,  "but  I  can't  help  it. 
Take  this  stuff  back  to  them  babies  and  any 
thing  they  allow  you  on  it  is  yours ! " 

She  looks  at  me  like  I'm  a  half  wit  or  the  like, 
grabs  up  the  dish  and  beats  it. 

Well,  Joe,  I  then  abandon  myself  to  the  art  of 
shavin ',  but  I'm  so  hungry  I  can't  take  no  interest 
in  it  and  after  I  have  shaved  off  one  side  of  my 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  77 

face  and  relathered  the  other  I  can't  stand  it  no 
longer,  so  I  made  up  my  mind  I  would  sneak  out 
to  the  ice  box  in  the  kitchen  and  maybe  they  is  a 
odd  pickle  or  somethin '  left  that  will  hold  me  over 
for  the  time  bein '.  No  sooner  said  than  done  and 
when  I  cross  the  portals  of  the  kitchen  like  a 
burglar  on  tip  toe,  there  is  Marie  sittin*  at  the 
table  and  tiein'  into  a  feast  that  would  make  a 
king's  mouth  water!  Joe,  she  is  eatin'  nothin* 
less  than  corn 's  beef  and  cabbage  with  nice  mealy 
boiled  potatoes  and  etc.  and  even  whilst  I'm 
lookin '  on  she  goes  to  the  ice  box  and  takes  out  a 
ear  of  corn  and  a  big  juicy  dill  pickle.  Sweet 
Cookie — that's  more  than  a  starvin'  human  can 
stand !  I  let  forth  a  terrible  sigh  and  says, 

"Psst!  I'll  give  you  five  bucks  on  your  next 
pay  day  for  half  that  layout,  Marie!" 

Well,  Joe,  this  here  comin '  outa  a  clear  sky  give 
the  girl  quite  a  start  and  she  let  forth  a  little 
screech  when  she  seen  me  standin'  there,  not 
knowin'  they  was  anybody  else  in  the  room.  I 
musta  been  kinda  inconventional  lookin'  at  that, 
Joe,  standin '  there  without  no  collar  on,  a  razor  hi 
my  hand  and  one  side  of  my  face  all  full  of  lather. 
She  leaps  up  from  the  chair  and  I  thought  for  a 
minute  she  was  gonna  take  it  on  the  run  and 
prob'ly  no  doubt  spread  the  alarm  to  the  whole 
household,  but  I  headed  her  off.  With  a  few  well 


78      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

picked  words  I  explained  to  her  that  I  was  prac 
tically  starvin  *  and  could  not  eat  the  oyster  souffle 
thing  come  what  may,  but  the  deliciously  feast 
she  had  laid  out  there,  especially  the  corn's  beef 
and  cabbage  which  I  am  a  hound  for,  would  no 
doubt  save  my  life.  Joe,  she  looks  around  kinda 
frightened  and  I  closed  the  door  and  says  I  will 
fix  everything  all  right  with  Jeanne,  her  master, 
and  please  get  a  extry  plate  as  soon  as  possible. 
Well,  Marie  looks  at  me  for  a  minute  like  she's 
awful  sorry  for  me  and  I  put  a  world  of  pleadin '  in 
my  naturally  emotionally  eyes  and  then  what  does 
she  do  but  burst  out  laughin '  and  says  all  right  she 
will  take  a  chance,  but  I  gotta  keep  quiet  and  it 
prob'ly  means  the  loss  of  her  job. 

In  two  minutes  more  I  am  seated  at  the  table 
with  my  face  half  lathered,  but  what's  the  differ 
ence  and  I  am  goin'  through  that  corn's  beef 
and  cabbage  like  prohibition  went  through  the 
Home  of  the  Brave.  Marie  is  standin*  by, 
gigglin, '  and  she  ain't  a  bad  looker  and  a  pleasant 
time  is  bein*  had  by  all.  Reachin'  for  another 
pickle,  I  says,  so's  to  make  conversation: 

"I'll  see  that  you  get  well  rewarded  for  this 
night's  work,  Marie,  and " 

Joe — in  walks  Jeanne  I 

Sweet  Cookie! 

They  was  a  dead  silence.     Marie  got  as  white  as 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  79 

my  $14  dress  shirt  and  one  of  the  choicest  bits  of 
corn's  beef  I  ever  met  fell  off  my  fork  on  the  floor. 
Jeanne's  eyes  was  blazin '  like  a  fire  in  a  oil  well  and 
her  cheeks  was  as  red  as  the  reflection.  They  is  no 
doubt  it  was  a  critically  situation,  Joe,  but  I 
figured  a  boldly  front  might  carry  it  off. 

"Hello!"  I  says,  lightly  and  with  what  I  hoped 
and  trusted  was  a  innocent  grin,  "tell  the  boys 
and  girls  I'm  sorry  to  keep  'em  waitin',  but  a 
guy  has  got  to  eat.  Is  they  any  more  cabbage, 
Marie?" 

One  of  'em  dropped  a  pin  and  I  heard  it  hit  the 
floor! 

"Go  to  your  room,  Marie!"  says  Jeanne,  $38 
worth  of  ice  on  each  word. 

Marie  beat  the  barrier,  Joe.  I'll  say  she 
went! 

Jeanne  then  come  over  and  stood  by  the  table, 
where  I  was  tryin'  to  hide  behind  the  cabbage. 
My  appetite  departed  for  Siberia  the  same  minute. 
When  women  looks  half  as  pretty  as  Jeanne  looked 
then  they  get  in  the  Follies,  when  they  look  half  as 
mad  they  bump  somebody  off ! 

"And  now,  Edouard—      "  says  Jeanne. 

Joe,  I  am  tearin'  this  off  in  the  writin'  room  of  a 
hotel  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  because  I  have 
been  walkin'  the  streets  hi  a  terrible  rage  not  to 


80      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

mention  a  broken  heart  and  etc.  and  the  chances 
are  the  next  thing  you  will  hear  is  that  I  will  be 
the  correspondent  in  my  own  divorce  case  after 
all  I  have  went  through  to  make  Jeanne  happy. 
I  have  never  done  a  wrong  to  no  man,  except  he 
was  a  German  in  uneyform,  but  somebody,  prob'ly 
the  Crown's  Prince,  has  put  a  curse  on  me  and  it 
looks  like  I  will  be  a  ravin's  maniac  in  a  few  days. 
Joe,  I  am  gonna  lose  Jeanne  and  if  I  do  that  will 
be  the  wind-up  of  me  because  I  could  do  nothin' 
without  her  and  if  she  thinks  they  ain't  plenty  of 
dames  which  is  crazy  to  have  me,  her  guesser  needs 
a  complete  overhaulin'  and  I  lived  before  I  met 
her  so  I  should  be  annoyed,  hey,  Joe?  So  don't 
be  surprised  if  you  read  any  day  that  a  prominently 
ball  player  by  the  name  of  Ed.  Harmon  has 
bumped  himself  off.  Don't  show  this  letter  to  no 
one. 

Joe,  Jeanne  is  now  a  full  fledge  movie  star! 

My  Gawd! 

Hey,  Joe? 

A  bell  hop  has  just  told  me  this  is  a  hotel  and 
not  no  Y.  M.  C.  A.  hut  and  unless  I  got  a  room 
here  I  got  to  take  the  air.  I  will  give  you  all  the 
foul  details  in  my  next. 

Yours  Truly, 

ED.  HARMON.     (A  innocently 
victim  of  love). 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  81 

Riverside's  Drive,  N.  Y. 
DEAR  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  it  certainly  is  the  greatest  thing  in  the 
world  to  be  happily  wed  and  a  guy  is  silly  to  re 
main  single  after  he  has  reached  the  age  of  reason. 
I  am  writin'  this  with  Jeanne  sittin'  on  the  arm  of 
my  chair  with  one  of  her  arms  around  me  and  her 
head  so  close  to  mine  that  it  frequently  distracts 
me  from  the  matter  at  hand,  as  the  general  orders 
used  to  say.  We  have  declared  a  married  couple's 
armistice,  which  means  only  two  days  a  week  is  to 
be  give  over  to  scrappin'  and  everything  is  now 
elegant  once  again.  Before  this  was  brung  about 
though,  Joe,  I  had  to  go  through  some  terribly  and 
heart  breakin'  adventures.  Joe,  my  life  has  got 
to  be  now  where  it  is  just  one  adventure  after  the 
other  and  alongside  of  me,  Robinson  and  Crusoe 
led  uneventfully  lives. 

Well,  after  Jeanne  caught  me  in  the  kitchen  eatin* 
corn's  beef  and  cabbage  with  the  new  maid  Marie 
as  a  innocent  bystander,  they  was  quite  a  scene 
but  by  sayin'  nothin'  I  managed  to  talk  Jeanne 
out  of  it  and  anyways  she  had  to  cut  it  short  on  ac 
count  of  the  guests  all  waitin'  for  us.  I  am  imme 
diately  rushed  into  my  evenin's  dress  and  stand  a 
final  inspection  by  Jeanne,  which  won't  let  me  go  in 
'til  she  has  rubbed  her  powder  puff  over  my  manly 
and  fresh  shaved  face  to  take  the  shine  off  of  it. 


82      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Joe,  I  am  a  old  veteran  of  them  dinner  dances 
and  etc.  now,  on  account  of  Jeanne  havin'  give 
several  gross  of  'em  since  we  moved  up  to  River 
side's  Drive  where  Grant's  Tomb  and  etc.  holds 
forth,  and  I  went  through  the  introductions  with 
the  greatest  of  ease.  I  like  these  parties  and 
pitchin'  to  Babe  Ruth  the  same  way,  but  bein'  a 
pig  for  punishment  I  smiled  on  one  and  all  and  sit 
down  in  a  corner  between  the  two  best  lookin' 
dames  on  hand.  Most  of  the  birds  which  is  soon 
goin'  to  tie  into  that  dinner  from  the  cater,  I  have 
met  before  and  they  is  two  in  particularly  which 
the  night  they  are  embalmed  I  will  laugh  myself 
sick  no  matter  what  I  am  doin'  at  the  time.  They 
are  a  guy  named  Frothingham  which  makes  a  auto 
that  will  never  cause  the  Rolls-Royce  people  to 
close  their  doors  and  which  I  think  is  stuck  on 
Jeanne  and  a  movie  director  named  Wright  which 
I  know  is  stuck  on  her  and  which  I  long  ago  made 
up  my  mind  to  knock  for  a  goal  at  my  earliest 
convenience. 

Well,  Joe,  I  am  on  needles  and  pins  from  the 
start  of  this  thing  to  the  finish  and  how  bloodshed 
was  avoided  is  past  me.  If  I  could  only  have  the 
control  on  the  diamond  which  I  brought  into  play 
this  night,  I'd  be  the  pitchin'  sensation  of  baseball, 
instead  of  just  one  of  'em!  When  Jeanne  wasn't 
dancin'  with  this  Frothingham  boob  she  was 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  83 

dancin'  with  Wright  and  I  didn't  get  a  chance  to 
say  three  words  to  her  the  entire  evenin'.  Manys 
the  time  I  was  on  the  brink  of  gettin'  up  and 
declarin*  myself  right  out  loud  and  trimmin'  the 
both  of  'em,  but  since  I  am  learnin'  the  mysteries 
of  bein'  a  gentleman  I  have  got  to  deprive  myself 
of  them  simple  pleasures.  Whenever  I  could 
catch  Jeanne's  eye  I  give  her  a  look  of  coldly  rage 
and  she  come  back  with  shruggin'  her  shoulders 
and  by  the  time  they  had  all  eat  my  eater's  dinner 
and  was  ready  to  go,  /  was  ready  to  eat  nails! 
This  here  movie  director  lingered  like  a  insurance 
agent  and  if  he'd  of  stayed  four  seconds  longer  he 
wouldn't  of  had  to  of  waited  for  no  elevator  be 
cause  I  had  just  about  made  up  my  mind  to  take  a 
chance  and  throw  him  through  the  window  when 
he  fin'ly  left,  sayin': 

"And  don't  forget,  Mrs.  Harmon — rehearsal  to 
morrow  is  at  ten!" 

The  door  had  hardly  closed  on  him  when  I 
nailed  Jeanne. 

"What's  this  rehearsal  thing,  hey?"  I  says, 
try  in  hard  to  hold  myself  in. 

Jeanne  gimme  a  funny  look  and  goes  over  to  the 
bureau.  She  opens  a  drawer,  takes  out  a  circular 
and  hands  it  to  me.  I  read  three  lines,  Joe,  and 
collapsed  in  a  nearby  chair  gaspin*  like  a  fish  for 
breath.  Here's  what  this  thing  says: 


84       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 


$100,000  Photo-Craft   Production. 

JEANNE  DE  LA  VERNE 
(MRS  ED.  HARMON) 

IN 

THE  DEVIL'S  BRIDE 


Sweet  Cookie! 

"What  the — what  does  this  here  mean?"  I 
hollers,  when  I  could  talk  at  all.  "What " 

Jeanne  smiles  and  comes  over  to  me. 

"Ssh!"  she  says,  smoothin'  back  my  hair. 
"You  will  wake  Weelson.  If  you  will  have  but 
the  little  patience,  cheri,  Jeanne  will  explain  every 
thing.  I  meant  it  for  the  delightful  surprise.  In 
deed  you  should  be  proud  of  your  little  Jeanne,  no? 
See — she  is  now  the  grand  actress  like — like 
Charles  Pickford  and  Douglas  Chaplin,  n'est  ce 
pas?" 

"D'ye  mean  to  say  this  here  is  level?'*  I  yells, 
wavin'  the  circular. 

Jeanne  sits  on  the  arm  of  my  chair  and  puts  her 
hand  over  my  mouth. 

"You  shall  say  nothing  'til  I  tell  all!"  she  says. 
"It  is  then  of  this  way.  Jeanne  does  not  like  to 
sit  home  all  alone  by  herself  while  Edouard  is 
away  with  the  baseball.  Ha!"  she  pinches  my 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  85 

arm  and  winks.  "Did  I  not  then  tell  you  to  give 
up  that?  Well,  after  I  have  the  small  part  in  that 
picture, '  'Twas  Her  Own  Fault'  and  you  make  such 
holler  about  it,  Monsieur  Wright  he  come  to  me 
and  say  I  am  the  natural  actress  and  everybody 
know  of  me  now,  because  your  friend  Joe  present 
those  newspapers  with  your  letters  of  me  and  also 
Monsieur  Wright  say  I  am  very,  very  pretty 
and- — " 

"I'll  murder  that  bird!"  I  butts  in,  jumpin*  up. 

"Please  to  remain  seated!"  says  Jeanne.  "It  is 
nothing.  Monsieur  Wright  is  the  splendid  gentle 
man.  He  too  likes  this  baseball  and  knows  all 
about  you.  He  himself  told  me  you  were  wonder 
ful.  He  is  not  too  attentive  to  Jeanne,  non,  non, 
just — ah — nice.  To  him  everything  is  business, 
nothing  more.  Besides,  ma  cheri,  you  should 
know  your  Jeanne!  Well,  he  offer  me  a  contract 
for  ten  thousand  dollars  a  year  and  ten  per  cent, 
of  what  the  picture  makes  and  I  say  non,  non,  non, 
because  I  think  you  will  be  angry.  Then  he  say 
fifteen  thousand  and  I  say  I  must  think.  Then  he 
say  twenty  thousand  and  fifteen  per  cent,  and 
cheri,  what  would  you?  I  sign!  The  first  pic 
ture " 

By  this  time  I  got  enough! 

"That's  where  all  this  jack  is  comin'  from,  hey?" 
I  says.  "Well  tear  that  contract  up!  I  didn't 


86      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

marry  no  movie  star  and  I'm  able  to  take  care  of 
you  without  you  doin'  no  manual  labor.  I 
didn't  think  you'd  take  the  advantage  of  me  the 
minute  I  went  on  the  road,  but  I  see  women  is  all 
alike.  This  guy  Kiplin'  had  'em  pegged  right. 
'A  fool  there  was  and  he  said  his  prayers,  just  like 
me  and  you,  Gunga  Din!'  Well,  I  ain't  gonna 
be  no  fool  in  this  case,  I'll  tell  the  world!  What 
d'ye  wanna  go  in  the  movies  for  anyways?  Look 
what  the  movies  done  to  Jess  Willard!" 

Jeanne  says  nothin'. 

"Look  here,  Jeanne!"  I  says.  "We  might  as 
well  get  this  over  and  be  done  with  it.  I  don't  like 
this  stuff  you're  pullin'  on  me  a  little  bit.  I  may 
be  a  roughneck,  but  I'm  level!  The  movie  thing 
has  got  to  go — or  I  do!  You  got  a  good  home,  a 
baby  and  me.  I'm  willin*  to  hustle  for  you,  I'm 
willin'  to  study  English  so's  I  won't  shock  your 
highbrow  friends,  which  wouldn't  know  either  you 
or  me  if  I  hadn't  got  over.  And  whilst  I  think  of 
it,  what's  this  guy  Frothingham  hangin'  around 
for?  There's  one  baby  I'm  gonna  knock  kickin' 
to-morrow!" 

Again  Jeanne  smiles. 

"It  is  nothing!"  she  says.  "Monsieur  Froth 
ingham  marries  next  week  Mademoiselle  Van 
Arkwright,  the  young  lady  who  ask  you  to  dance 
with  her  to-night.  Edouard,  but  you  are  still 


87 

just  one  big  baby — and  Jeanne  loves  you  for  it! 
But  you  must  listen.  Jeanne  will  not  be  the 
housewife  and  get  fat  and  dumpy  and — and  lose 
you.  I  can  be  then  in  the  moving  pictures  and 
still  love  mon  Edouard.  Between  us  we  can  make 
beaucoup  francs  for  little  Weelson  and  I  will  get 
you  away  from  those  vulgar  baseball.  You  shall 
do  something  else — Jeanne  will  think  of  that  too. 
We  shall  have  our  country  villa  and — and  you 
shall  play  goff  and — and — everything,  n'est  ce 
pas?" 

She  took  hold  of  my  head,  Joe,  and  looked  me 
right  in  the  eyes  and  as  usually  I  got  dizzy,  but 
remained  firm. 

"No!"  I  says.  "No  wife  of  mine  is  gonna  be 
no  movie  queen!"  I  grabbed  my  hat,  Joe,  and 
started  for  the  door,  evenin's  dress  and  all. 
"Good-bye  forever!"  I  hollers,  very  hoarse  and 
dramatical — and  beat  it. 

Joe,  after  walkin'  around  the  streets  for  about 
*a  hour  I  went  in  the  nearest  hotel  and  wrote  you 
that  last  letter  which  relieved  my  wounded  feelin's 
to  a  considerably  extent.  Then  I  went  back  to  my 
ex-flat  so's  I  could  get  enough  clothes  to  jump  out 
and  join  the  team  again.  I  was  firmly  determined 
that  this  here  was  one  time  I  was  gonna  have  my 
way  and  I  would  show  Jeanne  just  how  strong 
minded  and  masterfully  I  could  be  if  necessary. 


88       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

I  rung  the  bell  as  viciously  as  possible  and  no 
less  than  Jeanne  opens  the  door.  She  give  a  gasp 
and  they  was  signs  of  the  weeps  in  her  eyes,  but 
even  then  she  looked  like  a  million  dollars. 

"Edouard!"  she  says,  with  a  glance  that  would 
of  made  Nero  throw  away  his  fiddle,  "and  the 
first  day  you  come  back  to  me  you  would  leave  me 
alone?" 

Joe,  they  is  no  doubt  I'm  a  simp,  but  I  leave  it 
to  you  what  I  did! 

Well,  Joe,  whilst  dressin'  the  next  mornin'  I  got 
a  idea.  Jeanne  won't  have  it  no  other  way  but 
that  I  go  out  to  the  studio  with  her  where  this 
picture  is  bein'  made  and  at  first  I  don't  wanna  go, 
but  now  I  dragged  out  the  best  of  everything  which 
goes  to  make  up  my  rather  extensive  wardrobe.  I 
laid  myself  out  to  be  a  knockout  and  when  I  was 
ready  for  the  street  I  was  a  genuine  treat  for  the 
eye  as  far  as  clothes  was  concerned  anyways.  You 
know,  Joe — panama  turned  up  at  a  tricky  angle, 
white  silk  shirt,  blue  coat,  white  flannel  pants  and 
white  buckskin  shoes.  To  complete  the  illusion 
I  carried  a  cane.  Sweet  Cookie — if  I  didn't  look 
like  ready  money,  then  neither  does  the  U.  S. 
Mint!  Jeanne  raised  her  eyebrows  when  she  seen 
me,  but  beyond  her  usual  mornin'  kiss,  she  says 
nothui*. 

Once  out  to  the  studio,  I  blowed  right  over  to 


'"What  the — what  does  this  here  mean?'    I  hollers,  when 
I  could  talk  at  all" 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  89 

the  director's  office.  Before  goin'  further  I 
wanted  to  see  for  myself  if  "Monsieur  Wright" 
was  level  and  "all  business"  like  Jeanne  said. 
Well,  Joe,  in  half  a  hour's  talk,  this  guy  was  solid 
with  me  for  life!  Why  the  poor  boob's  wed  and 
got  six  kids  and  is  regular  if  anybody  is,  apart 
from  that.  He  knowed  how  I  felt  about  Jeanne 
bein'  in  the  movies,  but  in  five  minutes  he  showed 
me  that  they  wasn't  a  thing  wrong  with  it.  When 
we  left  his  office  we  was  callin'  each  other  by  our 
first  names  and  he  says  did  I  notice  they  was  usin' 
my  name  on  the  advertisin'  for  Jeanne's  first 
picture.  I  says  I  seen  where  it  said  somethin' 
about  "Mrs.  Ed.  Harmon"  and  he  says  that's  it 
and  the  reason  Jeanne  was  such  a  big  card  for  the 
movies  was  because  she  happened  to  be  THE 
WIFE  OF  ED.  HARMON! 

Oh,  boy!  The  next  time  Jeanne  throws  out  her 
chest,  there's  a  ace  for  me,  hey,  Joe? 

Well,  I  says,  I  am  convinced  that  everything  is 
open  and  above  the  board,  but  I  can't  stand  the 
idea  of  seein'  some  big  stiff  movie  hero  puttin'  his 
arms  around  Jeanne  and  the  first  time  I  do  they 
better  get  seven  huskies  to  hold  me.  Joe,  he 
starts  to  laugh  and  then  he  stops  off  short  and 
grabs  my  arm. 

"By  Jove!"  he  hollers.  "I  know  how  to  pre 
vent  that.  How  would  you  like  to  go  into  the 


90      THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

movies  and  play  opposite  your  wife?  Listen  to 
me — we  draw  up  a  contract  for  you  and  Mrs. 
Harmon  to  make  a  series  of  pictures  together,  as 
soon  as  your  baseball  season  is  over?  I  must  have 
been  asleep  or  I'd  have  thought  of  this  before. 
You'll  screen  beautifully,  too!  Think — Ed.  Har 
mon  and  Jeanne  in — Oh  hell,  in  anything ! 
C'mere!" 

Joe,  I  am  dragged  over  to  the  office  again  be 
fore  I  know  what  it's  all  about  and  on  the  way  we 
pick  up  Jeanne  which  is  tickled  silly  at  the  idea 
and  kisses  me  right  out  loud  in  public  and  between 
them  they  get  me  to  sign  a  lease  or  somethin'  for 
five  years  in  the  movies,  beginnin'  when  my  base 
ball  contract  runs  out  and  if  I  told  you  what  we 
was  gonna  get  together,  you'd  only  call  me  a  liar! 

Can  you  imagine  me  bein'  a  movie  star,  Joseph 
old  deah?  I  bet  Chaplin  will  take  carbolic  after 
seein*  the  first  picture  I'm  in,  hey? 

Well,  I  ain't  done  yet  what  I  come  out  to  do  in 
my  fancy  scenery,  Joe,  and  I  didn't  forget  it  in  the 
excitement.  I  am  introduced  to  all  the  dames 
out  there  and  they  have  all  heard  about  me  and 
none  of  'em  acts  like  they  also  heard  I  had  small 
pox.  In  a  minute  I  am  completely  surrounded  by 
the  fair's  sex  and  I  commence  to  vamp  'em  one 
and  all  and  write  my  name  on  cards  for  'em  and 
Jeanne  watches  it  in  deadly  silence  'til  one  of  'em 


A  FOOL  THERE  WASN'T  91 

offers  to  show  me  through  the  studio.  At  this 
critically  point,  Jeanne  takes  my  arm  and  leads  me 
away  and  I  didn't  forget  to  wave  back  at  the 
dames  and  say  I'd  be  around  later. 

Joe,  that  was  the  last  day  of  Jeanne's  picture  and 
even  whilst  she  was  actin'  she  kept  her  eyes  on  me 
and  every  time  she  did  I  managed  to  be  talkin'  to 
some  dame. 

Well,  all  the  way  home  in  the  car  she  clung  to 
me  like  the  ivy  and  says  I  will  never  get  outa  her 
sight  again  and  that  some  women  is  bold  enough 
for  anything. 

I'm  joinin'  the  team  at  Pittsburg  and  Joe — 
Jeanne  goes  with  me  ! 

Yours  truly, 
ED.  HARMON.  (The  male  Vampire). 

A  156  Pa  9  Pittsburg,  Pa.  6.02p.     Collect 

JOE  MURPHY  : 

Yonkers,  N.  Y. 

Trimmed  Pittsburg  6  to  0  only  gave  two  hits. 
Jeanne  seen  me  make  'em  like  it.  Will  send  you 
working  press  seats  for  my  first  movie  has  Mary 
Pickford  made  any  howl? 

ED.  HARMON. 


CHAPTER  IV 
SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI! 

FOURTH  INNING 

On  The  Board  of  a  Train. 

MON  CHERE  SENORITA  JOE:  (You  can  see  I  am 
now  the  master  of  beaucoup  languages — hey,  Joe  ?) 

Your  last  letter  folleyed  me  hithers  and  yon, 
as  we  are  wonted  to  remark  at  the  studio,  and  fin'ly 
caught  up  with  me  at  no  less  than  St.  Looey,  the 
burg  which  is  makin*  a  neck-and-neck  race  of  it 
with  the  Phillies  in  the  National  League — for  the 
last  place.  The  reason  the  letter  had  such  a  time 
of  it  runnin'  me  down  is  due  to  the  sensationally 
fact  that  I  am  now  with  Pat  Moran's  dumfoundin* 
crew  of  merry  men,  knowed  as  the  Cincinnati 
Reds,  which  has  staggered  all  Europe  by  grabbin' 
off  the  flag  for  the  first  time  in  fifty  years.  Joe,  I 
have  been  with  these  babies  just  long  enough  to 
get  into  and  prob'ly  win  the  world's  series  for  'em, 
and  the  fact  that  they  was  able  to  get  me  only 
goes  on  to  show  the  dumb  luck  they  been  playin'  in 
all  season. 

92 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!  93 

Moran  goes  around  all  day  long  grmnin'  from 
the  one  ear  to  another,  and  I'll  bet  when  I  stride 
forth  on  the  field  in  a  nonchalantly  manner  to  hurl 
my  first  game  at  home  for  the  Reds,  I  will  get  a 
reception  from  the  Cincinnati  fans  which  would 
make  the  one  Pershing  suffered  when  he  come 
back  sound  like  he  was  presented  with  the  cold's 
shoulder — hey,  Joe? 

Well,  Joe,  I  will  tell  you  how  come  I  am  prowlin* 
around  with  the  Reds,  when  the  last  reliably 
information  you  got  I  was  garb  in  the  nobby  uney- 
form  of  New  York.  It  happened  like  water  off  a 
duck's  back,  Joe,  and  I  was  gave  nothin'  in  the 
way  of  a  inklin'  as  to  what  was  gonna  befall  unto 
me  till  Mac  nails  me  in  the  hotel  at  Pittsburgh. 

"If  I  had  your  boob  luck,"  he  says,  "I  would 
take  a  chance  and  run  for  umpire  in  the  League  of 
Nations!" 

"What  has  came  to  pass  now? "  I  says.  "Is  the 
owners  thinkin'  of  makin'  me  a  present  of  some- 
thin'?" 

"Yeh,"  he  says  with  a  maliciously  grin.  "The 
gate!" 

Joe,  for  the  moment  I  am  too  wild  to  even  think 
of  speakin'.  Can  you  imagine  me  gettin'  the 
raspberry  from  anywheres  ? 

"  Whilst  you  are  standin'  there  grinnin'  like  a  hys 
terically  ape,"  I  says  in  a  coldly  and  deadly  voice, 


94       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"I  am  hereby,  to  wit,  servin'  notice  that  a  few  of 
my  lawyers  will  call  on  the  president  of  the  club 
to-morrow  and  will  undoubtlessly  begin  suit  before 
nightfall.  See  if  you  can  get  a  laugh  out  a  that!" 

"  Wait ! "  says  Mac.  "  Wait  till  I  tell  you  where 
you're  headed  for  from  here.  You're  goin'  to  the 
Reds,  you  big  stiff,  and  that  means  you'll  prob'ly 
be  made  a  present  of  a  slice  of  that  world's  series 
sugar.  I  tell  you,  if  Columbus  had  only  got  the 
breaks  you're  gettin',  he'd  of  discovered  Chicago 
and  Boston  the  first  day  out!" 

Well,  Joe,  that  was  all  different,  hey?  Climbin' 
aboard  the  Reds  when  they  ain't  no  more  chance 
of  them  losin'  the  pennant  than  they  is  of  Hades 
facin'  a  blizzard,  is  sweet,  I'll  shriek  to  old  mother's 
earth ! 

Still  and  all,  it  ain't  no  more  than  I  am  entitled 
after  the  way  I  have  worked  to  make  baseball 
popular  with  the  mob  since  I  first  laid  hands  on  a 
bat.  However,  Joe,  I  managed  to  keep  my  head 
as  cool  as  Jan.  10  in  Alaska,  and  I  says: 

"Well,  Mac,  no  doubt  I  may  be  made  to  see  my 
way  clear  to  joinin'  the  Reds  so's  to  bolster  them 
up,  but  first  of  all  I  demand  half  of  my  purchase 
price.  I  know  the  sum  Pat  Moran  laid  down  for 
me  must  sound  like  it  was  the  population  of  China, 
or  you  guys  would  never  of  let  me  go.  Gimme  half 
what  they  paid  for  me  in  cash,  and " 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!  95 

Mac  looked  at  me  for  a  minute  and  then  he 
bust  out  into  some  more  idiotical  laughter. 

"Fair  enough!"  he  says.  "Here's  half  what 
Moran  is  willin'  to  pay  to  git  you  in  a  Cincinnati 
uneyform,  so's  the  fans  will  have  somethin'  to 
laugh  at  durin'  the  world's  series!" 

With  that  he  reaches  in  his  pocket  and  hands  me 
a  thin  dime! 

"I  been  doin'  nothin'  but  dickerin'  with  Moran 
for  weeks,"  he  says,  "to  try  and  jack  him  up  to  a 
quarter,  but  they  was  nothin'  stirrin'.  However, 
you  got  half  your  purchase  price  in  money  now, 
and  we  are  gettin'  two  outfielders  for  you  likewise. 
One  of  'ems  called  Deering,  which  comes  some- 
wheres  from  the  Coast.  I  will  give  you  him  if  you 
want,  and  you  can  use  him  for  a  watch  charm  or 
the  like.  Then  you  won't  have  no  moan  comin', 
because  you  will  have  got  half  of  everything  we 
got  for  you!" 

Joe,  I  flang  the  dime  on  the  floor  and  was  on  the 
brinks  of  bustin'  him  in  the  nose  when  just  like  a 
flash  it  come  to  me  that  I  am  learnin'  the  arts  of 
bein'  a  gentlemen  now  in  order  to  delight  my 
deliciously  wife,  Jeanne,  and  one  of  the  first  rules 
is  that  you  cannot  clout  nobody  in  public,  and, 
besides,  Mac  is  far  from  a  clown  with  his  fists. 
So  I  drawed  myself  up  with  the  greatest  of  dignity 
and  gazed  upon  Mac  like  Jeanne's  French  maid 


96       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

gazes  upon  each  and  all  of  my  friends.  That  is, 
i.  e.,  and  viz.,  like  they  was  mere  buzzards  under 
her  feet. 

"I  don't  wish  to  bring  about  no  bloodshed,"  I 
says,  "so  I  won't  argy  with  you  no  further. 
You'll  get  what's  comin'  to  you,  anyways,  when 
you  get  back  to  New  York.  Wait  till  them  fans 
hears  that  you  have  sold  me  to  some  other  club — 
it'll  no  doubt  seem  to  you  like  it  was  rainin' 
nothin '  but  bottles  and  cushions  the  first  day  you 
walk  on  the  field!" 

"I'll  take  a  chance!"  says  Mac  with  a  sarcastical 
grin.  "Anyways,  I'll  have  company.  The  day 
the  Cincinnati  fans  finds  out  Moran  has  wished 
you  on  the  Reds,  he'll  be  pagin'  the  National 
Guard  to  escort  him  home  from  the  ball  park!" 

So  you  see,  Joe,  we  parted  on  the  best  of  terms, 
and  even  you  can  realize  that  Mac  was  only  kiddin ' 
like  that  to  hide  his  real  feelin's  over  me  leavin' 
the  club. 

It  must  of  been  a  terrible  blow,  and  I  understand 
the  New  York  newspapers  gave  over  page  after 
page  to  pannin'  Mac  for  lettin'  me  go,  and  the 
attendance  at  the  Polo  Grounds  fell  away  to  such 
a  extent  that  the  crowd  could  all  of  come  out  to  the 
park  on  the  same  bicycle. 

Well,  Joe,  I  went  around  sayin'  good -by  to  the 
rest  of  the  club,  which  could  hardly  believe  their 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!  97 

eyes  when  they  heard  I  was  leavin',  and  was  all 
broke  up  over  it. 

Fletcher  and  Burns  had  all  they  could  do  to  keep 
from  bustin'  right  out  cryin',  and  says  they  will 
miss  me  like  a  jockey  would  miss  his  arms,  on 
account  of  me  always  bein'  the  life  of  the  party 
and  etc. 

Benny  Kauff  claims  they  oughta  start  a  mutiny 
and  refuse  to  play  no  ball  at  all,  like  the  Ath 
letics  prob'ly  decided  at  the  beginnin'  of  the  sea 
son,  and  even  Zimmerman  says  it's  a  outrage  for 
Mac  to  let  me  go  now,  when  he  could  of  done  it 
months  ago. 

They  says  they  will  all  be  at  the  world's  series 
to  see  me  pitch  my  first  game,  and  if  the  White 
Sox  gets  eleven  runs  off  of  me  in  the  first  innin', 
not  to  let  it  get  my  goat  and  etc. 

Then  Young  speaks  up  and  says  if  they  had  only 
of  known  it  a  little  sooner  that  I  was  gonna  be  sold 
they  would  of  all  chipped  together  and  bought  me 
somethin'  to  recall  them  by,  but  four  months' 
notice  hardly  gave  them  a  chance  to  save  enough, 
what  WTth  the  high  cost  of  livin'  and  the  like. 

Joe,  I  only  heard  that  day  that  I  was  sold,  so 
how  could  Young  of  knowed  it  four  months  ago? 
I  guess  he  was  so  grief  struck  he  didn't  know  what 
he  was  savin',  hey? 

Well,  Joe,  then  Snyder  tells  me  that  he  has  got  it 


98       THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

from  reliable  information  that  the  Reds  gave 
$86,000  and  five  players  for  me,  and  I  am  a  idiot- 
ical  simp  if  I  don't  hold  out  for  half  the  jack. 
Well,  I  thought  they  was  no  use  lettin '  him  know 
how  Mac  had  took  the  advantage  of  me  by  liein ' 
about  my  purchase  price,  because  it  would  no 
doubt  only  make  the  rest  of  the  gang  enraged,  and 
they  might  lay  for  him  in  the  clubhouse  some  day 
and  tear  him  limb  and  limb,  and  his  blood  would 
always  be  hangin '  over  my  head.  He  has  did  me 
a  lotta  favors  in  one  way  and  the  other,  and  if  he 
wants  to  gyp  me  outa  one  half  of  $86,000,  which 
as  near  as  I  can  make  it  is  $43,000,  let  him  do  it. 
I  would  rather  have  my  self's  respect  any  day  than 
1-10  of  that  amount,  and,  anyways,  I  owe  him 
$32.60  from  a  pinochle  pogrom  in  Pittsburg,  and 
let  him  try  and  get  it  now ! 

I  am  just  leavin '  the  clubhouse,  Joe,  when  Rube 
Benton  calls  me  to  one  side  with  a  sorrowfully 
face.  He  shakes  my  hand  and  turns  away  his 
head,  and  I  could  of  swear  they  is  a  tear  stealin' 
its  way  down  his  cheek. 

"Well,  good-by,  Ed,  old  scout,"  he  says,  waggin' 
his  head.  "Mac  may  be  doin'  what  he  thinks  is 
the  right  thing,  but  I  would  hate  to  have  his 
conscience  to  sleep  with !  The  idea  of  takin '  a  big, 
strong,  young  feller  like  you  and  makin'  a  hop- 
head  outa  him  for  a  few  dirty  dollars!" 


-SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!  99 

"What's  the  idea?  "  I  says  with  naturally  enough 
surprise.  "What  d'ye  mean  a  hophead,  hey?" 

"Are  you  gonna  join  the  Cincinnati  Reds — or 
ain't  you?"  he  asks  solemnly. 

"  I'll  say  I  am ! "  I  says.  "  Where  does  that  hop- 
head  stuff  come  in?" 

"What?"  hollers  Rube,  jumpin'  away.  "D'ye 
mean  to  stand  there  and  make  the  claim  you  don't 
know?" 

I  nodded  my  head,  Joe,  and  I  commence  to  smell 
some  rats.  Rube  Benton  wouldn't  be  that 
seriously  with  me  for  nothin'.  "Hey!"  hollers 
Rube  to  the  rest  of  the  gang.  "He  don't  know 
what  he's  goin '  up  against  with  the  Reds — can  you 
tie  that!" 

They  all  come  gatherin*  around  me,  shakin* 
their  heads  and  gazin'  upon  me  like  I  was  about  to 
get  en  route  for  the  embalmers  instead  of  Cincin 
nati,  which  ain't  that  dead  no  matter  what  the 
knockers  claims. 

"Well,"  says  Rube,  "if  Mac  ain't  man  enough 
to  tell  you — I  will!  Did  you  know  that  Pat 
Moran  has  been  tryin'  all  season  to  buy  pretty 
near  everybody  on  this  club  and  has  offered  kings* 
ransoms  and  sums  that  would  dumfound  all  Asia 
for  us?  No — hey?  Mac  is  supposed  to  be  a 
personally  friend  of  yours,  and  yet  you  ain't  even 
got  a  spoonful  of  any  of  this  here  inside  stuff! 


100     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

D'ye  know  that  we  have  all  swore  that  we  would 
rather  spend  the  rest  of  our  lives  playin'  semi-pro 
ball  than  join  the  Reds?  D'ye  know " 

"Wait  a  minute!"  I  butts  in.  "What's  all 
this  got  to  do  with  me  bein'  a  hophead  if  /  go  with 
'em,  hey?" 

"Ah,  hah!"  hollers  Rube  like  a  villain  from  the 
movies.  "  It's  got  everything  to  do  with  it !  What 
d'ye  suppose  has  made  them  Cincinnati  Reds  go 
crazy  this  year  and  win  the  pennant,  when  for  over 
forty  years  they  thought  the  world's  series  died 
out  with  Lincoln?" 

I  shook  my  head  in  the  negatively. 

"Dope!"  bawls  Rube,  dancin'  around. 
"Dope!" 

"Dope?"  I  says,  gettin'  dizzy.  "What— 
what " 

"  Sure— dope ! "  says  Rube.  "  That's  what  them 
guys  is  bein'  fed  on  night  and  day.  Why,  every 
body  in  the  league  knows  that  from  the  day  Moran 
dropped  a  bill  outa  his  pocket  in  St.  Looey  which 
was  for  $300  worth  the  opium!  Did  you  ever 
watch  'em  on  the  diamond?  Them  babies  ain't 
got  no  more  idea  what  they're  doin'  than  a  gang 
of  maniacs !  Their  eyes  is  all  glassy  and  they  keep 
mumblin'  all  the  time  to  themselves.  I  tell  you 
Moran  has  been  shootin'  'em  full  of  hooch  all 
season,  and  them  guys  is  so  charged  up  that  half 


-SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          101 

the  time  they  wander  all  over  the  streets,  and 
Moran  carries  a  whole  slew  of  detectives  to  folley 
them  up  and  lead  'em  out  to  the  park  every  day! 
Wait  till  you  get  to  Cincinnati.  The  first  thing 
Moran  will  do  is  to  give  you  a  jab  in  the  arm  and 
make  you  pitch  a  double-header!  Pretty  soon 
you'll  be  a  dope  fiend,  and  next  year  they  wouldn't 
let  you  into  a  big  league  game  if  you  had  a  ticket!" 

Benny  Kauff  and  two  other  guys  walks  outside 
coughin',  and  I  suppose  they  couldn't  stand  to 
listen  to  my  terribly  fate  no  longer.  Joe,  I  did 
commence  to  feel  a  trifle  nervously — they's  no 
doubt  about  that! 

"Are  you  sure  you  ain't  got  it  balled  up?"  I 
says  after  a  minute  of  the  most  deadly  silence. 
"It  looks  to  me  that  instead  of  Cincinnati  bein' 
doped,  somebody  has  gone  to  work  and  gave 
sleepin'  powders  to  the  other  seven  clubs.  "When 
you  was  in  there  yesterday  you  give  me  the  idea 
that  you  had  eat  a  dish  of  veronal  for  lunch, 
especially  them  two  times  you  was  caught  off 
first  by  over  four  miles  and — 

"Kid  about  it  if  you  like!"  says  Rube.  "I'm 
only  tryin'  to  do  you  a  favor.  In  a  coupla  weeks 
they  will  be  more  holes  in  your  arm  than  they  is  in 
your  delivery — and  that's  sayin*  a  lot!" 

"Well,"  I  says,  "Moran  ain't  gonna  get  no  dope 
into  me !  I  don't  need  to  be  charged  up  to  win  no 


102     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

games,  and  if  them  guys  will  only  give  a  imitation 
of  a  baseball  team  in  back  of  me,  the  world's  series 
is  cinched!" 

"For  the  White  Sox!"  says  Benton.  "Well,  I'll 
be  out  there  the  day  you  work,  watchin'  you." 

"Wave  and  holler  to  me,  Rube,"  I  says,  "so's 
I'll  know  where's  to  look  for  you." 

"I'll  be  away  up  in  the  grand  stand,"  he  says. 
"The  first  pitch  you  make  you'll  notice  me  with 
out  no  trouble,  as  I  will  no  doubt  be  the  guy  which 
isduckin'  the  pill!" 

Joe,  can  you  imagine  the  petty  jealousy  of  them 
guys?  I  have  made  less  wild  pitches  to  the  game 
than  any  guy  which  makes  wild  pitches  every  game 
this  season! 

Well,  Joe,  I  went  over  to  the  hotel,  and  there  is  a 
cable  for  me  from  Moran  to  report  at  once  in  St. 
Looey,  which  is  a  terribly  jump  from  Pittsburg 
and  sleepin'  cars  is  poison  ivy  to  me,  and  I'll  take 
the  short  end  of  a  bet  that  not  even  Rip  Van's 
Rinkle  could  pound  his  ear  in  the  upper  birth  of  no 
train! 

I  told  you  in  my  last,  Joe,  that  Jeanne  had  come 
up  with  me  for  the  Pittsburg  series  and  seen  me 
inshoot  them  babies  to  death,  winnin'  my  first 
start  by  the  remarkably  score  of  6  to  the  thing 
they  build  the  ring  around  in  a  doughnut.  The 
clerk  give  out  that  Jeanne  was  in  the  main's  dinin* 


-SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          103 

room,  so  I  went  right  in  to  break  the  news  to  her 
that  I  was  off  to  the  haunts  of  the  Cincinnati  Reds. 
I  didn't  get  no  immediately  chance  to  spill  my 
startlin'  information,  because  after  one  brief  flash 
at  me  Jeanne  sent  me  to  the  showers.  She  is  all 
dolled  up  like  the  queen  of  the  New  Orleans  Marty 
Grass  with  evenin's  dress  and  the  like,  and  if  she 
didn't  look  like  a  million  dollars,  then  neither  does 
two  $500,000  bills.  Joe,  if  Jeanne  continues  to  get 
prettier  every  day,  like  she  has  made  it  a  rule  to  do 
since  we  left  France,  it  ain't  gonna  be  long  before 
I  won't  be  able  to  stand  it!  If  Jeanne  had  lived 
in  Marks  &  Anthony's  time,  this  Cleopatra  dame 
would  never  of  been  heard  tell  of.  What  I  wanted 
to  do  after  one  look  was  to  plant  a  chastely  salute 
on  them  lips  of  hers,  which  is  as  red  as  a  thousand 
dollars'  worth  the  catsup;  but,  Joe,  I  done  that 
once  at  the  ball  park,  and  Jeanne  won't  speak  to 
me  for  forty-eight  hours  on  the  grounds  that  a 
gentlemen  don't  kiss  his  wife  whilst  the  public 
looks  on.  Well,  I  draw  the  conclusions  that  a 
gentlemen  no  doubt  prob'ly  kisses  some  other 
gentlemen's  wife,  and  that's  a  thing  I  never  felt 
called  upon  to  do  since  I  been  wed.  If  you  had 
cake,  would  you  crave  bread?  No!  And  there's 
that! 

Well,  what  I  got  chased  this  time  for  was  be 
cause  Jeanne  says  how  many  times  has  she  told  me 


104     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

I  gotta  dress  for  dinner  when  I  am  at  chow  with 
her,  and  nobody  but  a  laber  wouldst  walk  right 
into  his  dinner  without  groomin'  himself  up,  what 
ever  that  is,  but  I  think  it's  got  somethin'  to  do 
with  a  horse,  Joe,  as  I  know  a  groom  in  New  York 
personally  and  he  does  the  majority  of  his  groomin' 
in  a  livery  stable.  Well,  to  make  a  paragraph  outa 
a  novel,  I  went  upstairs  and  climbed  into  my 
banquet  overalls  and  etc.,  and  come  down  again, 
and  this  time  Jeanne  is  all  smiles.  When  Jeanne 
is  all  smiles,  Joe,  she  could  tell  Rockefeller  they 
was  no  more  market  for  oil,  and  he'd  remark:  "I 
should  worry ! "  and  mean  it !  I  seen  people  lookin' 
over  at  our  table  in  openly  admiration,  because 
I  am  a  knockout  in  evenin's  dress,  Joe,  and 
Jeanne  would  make  Venus  take  carbolic,  and 
I  guess  they  was  all  sayin':  "There's  the  world's 
famous  Ed  Harmon,  the  ball  player,  and  his  wife, 
the  notoriously  movie  star!"  The  head  waiter 
takes  my  order  himself  and  I  ain't  very  hungry, 
bein'  satisfied  to  simply  look  at  Jeanne,  which 
claims  I  must  take  somethin',  even  if  it's  only  a 
trifle  potage.  (Potage,  Joe,  is  French  slang  for  soup.) 
"All  right!"  I  says  to  this  guy,  which  has  got 
out  a  book  and  a  pencil  and  is  takin'  down  every 
thing  I  say  like  they  has  been  a  accident,  and  it 
turned  out  that  I  was  the  only  witness.  "Bring 
forth  some  consomme's  soup!" 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          105 

"Very  good,  sir!"  he  says,  not  that  I  asked  him 
about  it.  "Will  you  have  something  with  the 
soup?" 

"Yeh,"  I  says.  "I'd  at  least  like  a  plate  with 
it!" 

At  this  point  Jeanne,  which  can't  see  into 
kiddin'  waiters,  chopped  me  off  and  sent  him  on 
his  way  with  a  coldly  nod.  Before  I  can  spring 
my  surprise  on  her  she  leans  over  and  says  I  have 
got  to  get  it  arranged  in  some  way  so's  I  can  leave 
for  New  York  with  her  that  night !  The  reason  for 
this  is  that  the  movin'-picture  company  which 
Jeanne  is  actin*  for  wants  her  right  aways  to 
finish  up  a  important  scene  in  "  The  Devil's  Bride,** 
and  every  day  she  is  away  is  costin'  'em  beaucoup 
pennies  on  account  of  all  the  rest  of  the  cheaper 
help  standin'  around  idle  and  etc.  Well,  Joe,  you 
no  doubt  remember  I  told  you  I  had  signed  a  lease 
with  the  same  company  to  turn  into  a  actor  so*s  me 
and  Jeanne  could  work  together  and  make  Fair 
banks  and  Mary  Pickford  cry  their  eyes  out  with 
simple  envy.  We  are  gonna  get  enough  jack  for 
this  to  pay  for  a  shave  for  every  guy  in  Russia,  and 
the  letter  Jeanne  got  says  the  guy  which  is  writin* 
the  pictures  for  us  has  got  the  foundations  sunk  for 
the  first  one,  and  nothin'  will  do  but  I  must  come 
on  and  read  it. 

Well,  Joe,  I  says  it  is  impossibly  for  me  to  go  to 


106     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

New  York  with  her  because  I  have  been  sold  to  the 
Cincinnati  Reds. 

"Viola!"  she  remarks,  narrowly  missin'  drop- 
pin' her  knife.  "What  do  you  mean?  Sold?  How 
then  could  mon  Edouard  be  sold?" 

With  that,  Joe,  she  looked  at  me  like  she 
thought  the  lucky  shopper  which  had  bought  me 
might  come  along  at  any  minute  and  snatch  me 
away. 

"Well,"  I  says,  "it's  like  this.  A  ball  player 
is  somethin'  like  a  cattle  and  can  be  put  on  the 
market  at  any  time  and  auctioned  off  to  the 
highest  bidder.  I  think  Uncle  Tom  must  of  been 
a  pitcher.  In  this  case,  Cincinnati  grabbed  me  off 
and  I  gotta  report  there  at  once,  or  even  sooner  if 
I  can  get  away.  This  will  ease  me  into  the  world's 
series  and,  naturally  enough,  that  means  a  bucket 
ful  of  extry  jack  for  your  little  Edward.  I  should 
draw  down  anywheres  from  four  to  eight  thousand 
fish,  and  I'll  sink  the  plurality  of  it  into  a  present 
for  you!  How's  that?" 

"Eight  thousand  feesh?"  she  says,  her  eyes 
openin'  and  sparklin'  till  if  you  could  of  set  'em  hi 
a  bracelet  you  could  hock  the  same  for  what  Ger 
many  owes.  "What,  then,  Edouard,  would 
Jeanne  do  with  eight  thousand  of  the  feesh?" 

"Well,"  I  says,  with  a  sarcastically  grin,  "call  up 
J.  P.  Morgan  and  ask  him.  That  baby's  got  800 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          107 

times  eight  thousand  fish  and  they  ain't  givin' 
him  no  trouble!" 

From  merely  lookin'  at  her,  Joe,  I  seen  she 
didn't  get  me,  so  I  explained  that  fish  is  simply  a 
alias  for  money,  which  in  turn  is  slang  for  dough, 
kale,  dinero,  jack,  sugar,  iron  men,  gelt,  long  green, 
rocks,  berries  and  the  etc. 

Jeanne  fails  to  stage  a  faint  when  she  realizes 
what  I  am  talkin'  about. 

"Poof!"  she  says.  "What  then  is  eight  thous 
and  fillet  de  sole — ah — feesh — to  Jeanne  and 
Edouard?  We  do  not  need  that  insignificant 
amount  now — non,  non,  non  I  I  am  inform  I  will 
have  fifty  thousand  dollar  from  this  one  picture 
alone  and  when  they  make  the  picture  of  you,  mon 
Edouard — oo  la  la!  Then  we  will  have  beaucoup 
francs  for  Jeanne  and  little  Weelson,  riest-ce  pas?  " 

Well,  Joe,  that  remark  about  "little  Weelson" 
remind  me  of  some  thin'. 

"By  the  ways,"  I  says,  "how  is  my  baby  gettin' 
along?  It  seems  to  me  like  you  are  so  fill  up  with 
this  movie  stuff  that  you  ain't  got  no  time  for  the 
world's  greatest  infant.  Here  he  is  only  star-tin'  off 
his  second  year  on  the  earth  and  he  is  left  home 
with  nobody  to  look  after  him  but  a  maid  and  a 
chauffeur,  which  what  do  they  know  about  raisin* 
young  infant  babies?" 

Jeanne  laughed. 


108     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"Tu  es  charmant  /"  she  says,  leanin'  over  and 
pinchin'  my  cheek.  "Indeed  then  you  are  but 
the  big  baby  yourself,  mon  petit  Edouard.  I  have 
the  letter  from  Marie  to-day  and  she  say  Weelson 
is  magnificent  and  she  have  him  make  those  kiss  on 
the  bottom  of  the  letter  just  for  you — see!" 

With  that  she  hands  me  the  letter  from  the  maid 
and  right  on  the  bottom  is  a  lotta  stuff  that  looks 
like  a  doctor's  prescription  or  else  a  Chinese 
laundry  check,  but  instead  it's  kisses  from  my  baby 
which  you  can  hardly  expect  him  to  write  novels 
and  etc.  at  the  age  of  thirteen  months. 

Well,  Joe,  the  more  I  looked  at  that  the  more  I 
wanted  to  see  him  and  talk  to  him  if  only  for  a  day. 
Of  course  we  can't  discuss  the  League  of  Nations 
and  the  like  together  on  account  of  his  entire 
language  bein'  made  up  of  words  like  "Ump  goof 
urk  bla  suey  wump  goo,"  and  like  that,  which  of 
course  I  knowed  what  that  meant  when  I  was  a 
infant  baby  myself  but  have  completely  forgot  it 
by  this  time.  Jeanne  watches  me  lookin'  at  the 
letter  and  fin'ly  she  says: 

"So  you  see,  mon  cherie,  you  will  then  have  to 
come  right  back  to  New  York  with  Jeanne  to-night. 
You  shall  hold  Weelson  and  you  shall  see  Jeanne's 
new  moving  picture  and — and — everything! 
Come,  cherie,  Jeanne  asks  you!" 

Well,  Joe,  I  leave  it  to  you  what  I  done. 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          109 

After  I  have  paid  our  bill  at  the  hotel,  the 
amount  of  which  sounds  exactly  like  the  taxi  fare 
to  Egypt,  I  went  down  to  the  railroad's  station  and 
bought  two  tickets,  with  pullman's  sleepers  and 
etc.,  for  New  York.  Then  I  wrote  another  tele 
gram  to  Pat  Moran  sayin'  that  owin'  to  a  sudden 
change  in  my  wife's  plans,  it  would  be  impossibly 
for  me  to  join  the  Reds  for  another  day,  but  not 
to  wait  for  me  and  go  right  on  playin'  out  the 
schedule,  the  same  as  if  I  was  there.  I  only  hope 
he  didn't  go  to  work  and  advertise  that  I  wras 
gonna  pitch  the  first  game  in  St.  Looey,  because 
then  he  would  no  doubt  have  to  refund  the  fans' 
money  and  that  would  make  him  sore  at  me  from 
the  go  in,  hey,  Joe? 

Well,  Joe,  after  a  tiresomely  trip  on  account  of 
me  not  being  able  to  pound  my  ear  in  no  sleepin* 
car,  but  instead  havin'  to  sit  up  all  night  in  the 
club's  car  with  four  so-called  travelin'  salesmen, 
which  they  never  in  their  lives  held  nothin'  worse 
than  a  full  house,  we  fin'ly  arrived  in  New  York. 
My  automobile  and  chauffeur,  which  I  need  the 
same  way  as  I  need  a  toothache,  met  us  at  the 
station  and  we  was  drove  home. 

Joe,  you  oughta  flash  my  baby  now — Sweet 
Cookie,  but  he  is  some  eyeful!  He's  as  bright  as 
twenty-seven  ark  lights,  and  as  good-lookin'  as  a 
thousand  dollars  a  week  would  be  to  a  shippin' 


clerk.  Naturally  enough,  he's  nuts  over  his  big, 
handsome  father,  and  cries  wildly  when  they 
wanna  take  him  away  from  me.  Of  course,  Joe,  he 
does  the  same  when  I  take  him,  and  all  durin'  the 
while  I  got  him,  so  that  evens  it  up  a  bit,  or  other 
wise,  I  suppose,  Jeanne  would  be  battlin'  witli  the 
green-eye  monsters  of  jealousy.  His  head  is 
shaped  perfect,  and  not  like  no  egg,  as  some  young 
babies  is  at  first,  and  taking  him  by  the  large,  Jie's 
the  most  beautifully  thing  I  ever  seen  in  my  life 
and  the  livin'  image  of  his  father ! 

Well,  they's  one  thing  I  got  all  settled  with  my 
self,  as  far  as  my  baby  is  concerned,  and  that  is 
when  he  grows  up  he  ain't  goin'  to  be  no  ball 
player,  not  that  ball  playin'  ain't  a  honorably 
trade,  and  like  that,  and  I  have  met  many's  the 
players  which  knowed  more  about  the  English 
language,  algeometry,  etc.,  than  the  guys  which 
owned  the  club.  But  I  want  my  boy  to  turn  into 
a  lawyer  or  a  doctor,  or  even  President  of  the  U.  S. 
if  he  has  to,  but  at  least  somethin'  wrhere  they  is  no 
limit  to  the  fame  and  jack  he  can  make  and  where 
he  will  be  his  own  boss  and  not  have  to  take  orders 
from  no  man.  Joe,  he  ain't  gonna  start  off  life 
with  the  handicaps  7  had  if  I  can  help  it,  even  if  I 
did  fin'ly  come  through  in  good  shape  on  account 
of  luckily  bein'  born  near  the  horseshoe  curve  in 
Pa.  My  baby  is  gonna  do  his  hitch  in  one  of  them 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          Ill 

colleges  where  when  they  play  football  it  gets  on 
the  front  page  of  the  papers,  and  he's  gonna 
mingle  with  the  best,  and  etc.,  I  want  him  to  come 
out  with  a  lot  of  letters  after  his  name  like,  "B.  A., 
C.  O.  D.,  S.  O.  S.,  P.  D.  Q.,  O.  K.,"  and  etc.,  and 
I'm  layin'  by  all  the  jack  I  can  so's  he  can  do  it  up 
brown. 

And,  Joe,  if  the  next  baby  I  have  turns  out  to  be 
a  girl,  it'll  be  the  same  ways  with  her,  and  I  will 
give  them  both  a  good  start,  or  all  of  them,  as  the 
cases  may  be,  and  there's  that  ! 

Well,  Joe,  after  bein'  up  all  night,  I  wanted  to  go 
right  to  bed,  or  into  the  arms  of  Morphine,  as  it 
says  in  one  of  the  books  I  am  studyin'  English 
from.  But  Jeanne  won't  have  it  no  other  way  but 
that  I  gotta  go  right  out  to  the  movie  studio  with 
her.  I  fin'ly  talk  her  into  goin'  out  first  and  I  will 
be  out  in  a  hour  after  I  have  had  a  cold  shower 
with  ham  and  eggs  and  etc.,  to  freshen  me  up. 
We  parted  as  long  and  as  kissin'ly  as  if  she  was 
settin'  forth  to  try  and  discover  the  North  Pole, 
instead  of  just  goin'  up  in  Westchester's  County 
where  they  commit  them  movies. 

What  do  I  do,  Joe,  but  fall  asleep  in  the  bath's 
tub  and  the  chauffeur  wakes  me  up  by  tryin'  to 
break  down  the  door,  so  I  got  to  get  dressed  and 
he  hustles  me  up  to  the  studio  and  between  thinkin' 
what  a  wonderfully  thing  it  is  for  me  to  be  ridin' 


112     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

around  New  York  in  a  swell  auto  and  a  chauffeur, 
and  that  after  this  year  I  am  through  with  base 
ball  forever,  I  fall  asleep  again,  and  don't  wake  up 
till  we  get  to  the  studio,  at  which  point  I  am 
dreamin'  that  Mary  Pickford  and  Chaplin  is 
beggin'  me  piteously  for  a  job. 

Well,  in  a  minute  I  am  in  the  midst  of  the  actors 
and  they  all  recognize  me  at  once,  prob'ly  because 
I  always  wear  a  soft  collar,  and  they  begin  shakin' 
my  hands  and  etc.  The  swell  lookin'  vampires  and 
prosecuted  female  heroes  also  buzzes  around  me 
and  claims  I  will  be  a  riot  in  my  first  picture.  One 
of  the  despicably  villains  which  pursues  the 
innocently  young  and  purely  factory  girl  for  from 
$75  to  $250  a  week,  gimme  a  wink  and  says  he 
knows  a  near-by  place  which  is  treatin'  prohibition 
as  a  josh  and  everybody  is  havin'  the  loveliest  of 
times,  when  I  think  of  Jeanne.  I  ask  where  she  is, 
and  a  vampire  which  would  of  made  Samson  for 
get  all  about  Delia  says : 

"Mrs.  Harmon  is  doing  the  scene  that  winds 
up  the  third  reel  of  "The  Devil's  Bride.'  Say — 
would  you  like  to  see  her  act  without  her  knowing 
you  are  here ?  C'mon ;  it'll  be  a  good  joke  on  her ! " 

Well,  Joe,  that's  what  it  was.  But  not  only  was 
it  a  good  joke  on  Jeanne,  but  it  was  likewise  a  good 
joke  on  me  and  a  guy  named  Henry  Ravenswood, 
too. 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          113 

I  folleyed  this  dame  back  through  a  lotta 
scenery,  and  she  is  puttin'  one  finger  on  her  mouth 
and  tellin'  everybody  not  to  say  nothin',  and  they 
all  tiptoed  after  us  to  satisfy  their  curiosity  and  the 
like.  Fin'ly  we  come  to  a  drawin'-room  scene, 
and  we  stand  to  one  side  where  the  inmates  of  the 
same  can't  see  us.  It  must  of  cost  at  least  a 
million  dollars  to  furnish  this  room,  but  money  is 
the  same  as  sawdust  to  a  movie  company,  which 
manys  the  time  really  does  blow  $50,000  on  one 
of  them  $200,000  productions.  Well,  Joe,  Jeanne 
is  in  there,  and  as  usually  she  is  lookin'  like  what 
the  other  movie  queens  would  give  their  right 
lung  for  if  they  could  only  look  that  way  for  even 
five  minutes.  They  is  a  big  husky  there  with  her, 
and  they  are  havin'  a  hot  argument  about  somethin' 
whilst  the  camera  men  is  grindin'  away  like  mad. 

"Who's  that  guy?"  I  says  to  the  dame  be 
side  me. 

"  Sssh ! "  she  whispers.  "  That's  Henry  Ravens- 
wood.  He's  playing  opposite  Mrs.  Harmon  in 
this  picture.  Don't  let  us  make  any  noise — he's 
awfully  temperamental,  and  the  least  little  thing 
sends  him  up  in  the  air.  Why 

Joe,  I  didn't  get  to  hear  the  rest,  for  the  reason 
that  at  this  here  point  Henry  Ravenswood  lets  out 
a  beller  and  walks  across  to  Jeanne,  which  shivers 
away  like  she  was  scared  to  death  at  him.  He 


114     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

immediately  grabbed  hold  of  Jeanne  and  begin  to 
choke  her,  and,  naturally  enough,  Joe,  I  was  in 
that  room  in  two  jumps  and  knocked  him  dead ! 

Well,  at  that,  Joe,  everybody  got  temperamen 
tal,  but  the  guy  which  was  directin'  the  movie  got 
the  most  temperamental  of  all.  He  raved  around, 
pullin'  his  hair  and  claimin'  I  have  runed  a  scene 
which  will  have  to  be  retook,  and  why  do  they  let 
ravin's  maniacs  in  the  studio,  and  a  lotta  guys 
starts  on  the  doubtfully  job  of  bringin'  Henry 
Ravenswood  back  to  life. 

Speakin'  of  Jeanne,  she  fainted  the  second  I 
landed  on  Henry  Ravens  wood's  jaw,  and  when  she 
come  to  she  gimme  a  bawlin'  out  I  will  re 
member  word  for  word  long  after  I  have  forgot 
my  own  name.  They  was  only  one  guy  seemed  to 
take  any  interest  hi  me,  and  that  was  a  little  bird 
which  I  found  out  afterward  was  a  assistant 
director,  and  he  slaps  me  on  the  back  and  says  he 
is  much  obliged  to  me  on  account  of  Henry 
Ravenswood  bein*  a  fathead,  which  had  that 
comin'  to  him  for  a  long  time. 

Well,  I  am  coolin'  off  a  trifle,  Joe,  and  it  would 
take  a  guy  much  stupider  than  me,  if  that's  posible, 
not  to  realize  I  have  in  some  way  did  somethin'  all 
wrong.  Nevers  the  less,  I  can't  help  it.  They  is  no 
man  gonna  lay  hands  on  my  wife  whilst  I  am  look- 
in  on,  let  him  be  a  movie  villain  or  not,  hey,  Joe? 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          115 

In  the  midst  of  all  this,  which  was  the  same  as 
bedlam,  Mr.  Wright,  which  is  the  foreman  of  all 
the  directors  and  a  friend  of  mine,  comes  in,  and 
after  gettin'  the  box  score  of  what's  come  off  he 
laughs  and  helps  straighten  things  up.  He  says 
maybe  they  can  work  the  whole  thing  as  a  scene 
into  one  of  my  pictures  on  account  of  the  camera 
men  havin'  gone  right  on  turnin'  and  took  it  all. 
Well,  I  look  around,  and  from  what  I  can  see  I 
noticed  they  was  more  sympathy  showed  Belgium, 
for  instance,  than  is  bein*  wasted  on  Henry 
Ravenswood;  but  Mr.  Wright  says  if  I  wanna  be  a 
good  guy  I  will  apologize  to  Henry  and  tell  him  it 
was  all  a  mistake.  Which  same  I  did  whilst  Henry 
was  still  sittin'  on  the  floor,  and  he  shook  my  hand, 
kinda  dazed,  and  muttered  like  he  didn't  yet  know 
what  it  was  all  about. 

Joe,  between  me  and  Mr.  Wright  we  calmed  off 
Jeanne,  and  then  we  went  into  his  office  and  I  read 
over  what  I  am  supposed  to  do  in  my  first  picture. 
Well,  all  I  can  say  is  that  the  guy  which  tore  off 
this  here  sceneryaro  must  have  been  a  incurable 
ravin's  maniac  at  the  least.  It  is  in  five  reels, 
but  I  figure  I  will  only  appear  in  the  first  reel,  Joe, 
because  they  ain't  no  man  can  do  half  the  things 
that  guy  has  mapped  out  for  ine  and  live.  Mr. 
Wright  says  all  right,  they  will  tone  it  down  a 
little,  but  first  step  out  into  the  studio  and  they 


116     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

will  see  how  I  screen.  After  they  have  took 
several  pictures  Mr.  Wright  says  I  will  be  O.  K. 
if  only  I  will  learn  not  to  face  the  camera,  but  just 
look  natural  and  away  from  it  when  he  tells  me. 
He  says  that  what  he's  gonna  do  is  to  send  out 
some  camera  men  when  I  am  pitchin'  some  day 
without  tellin'  me  a  word  about  it,  and  have  them 
take  shots  at  me  whilst  I  don't  know  they  are 
there,  and  in  that  way  they'll  get  real  flashes  of  me 
in  action,  which  is  what  they  want  and  not  no 
posin*  or  tryin*  to  act,  and  etc. 

Well,  Joe,  before  I  left  he  gimme  a  copy  of  the 
sceneryaro  for  me  to  read  and  memorize  so's  I  will 
know  what  to  do  when  the  time  comes  right  after 
the  world's  series,  because  they  want  to  cash  on 
me  quick  whilst  I  am  in  the  public's  eyes,  and  etc. 

I  will  tell  you  all  about  how  I  am  makin'  out  with 
the  Reds  and  the  like  in  my  next,  although  natur 
ally  the  papers  will  be  full  of  it  by  then,  hey,  Joe? 

Yours  Truly, 
ED  HARMON  (the  new  Mary  Pickford). 

On  The  Ways  Home  From  Cincinnati. 
"MoN  CHER  TRES  BIEN  JOSE"  (I   betcha  you 

ain't  got  the  most  slightly  idea  what  that  means, 

hey?) 

I  am  at  the  loss  how  to  begin  this  here  letter,  and 
I  know  it  has  been  so  long  since  you  heard  from  me 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          117 

except  through  the  papers,  which  is  only  second 
hand  heresay,  that  prob'ly  you  think  I  have  forgot 
how  to  handle  a  pen  and  ink  well.  Well,  Joe,  most 
doubtlessly  you  have  read  how  I  lose  the  first  game 
I  pitch  for  the  Reds  in  the  world's  series  and  how 
they  was  a  riot  and  etc.  at  the  game,  and  I  have 
been  panned  to  a  fare-thee-well  from  the  rock's 
bound  coast  of  Maine  to  the  sunny  shores  of 
Alaska.  Joe,  I  will  now  give  you  the  inside  dope 
on  this  terrible  thing  which  befell  unto  me,  and 
the  whole  thing  boiled  down  to  a  nutshell  is  that  I 
was  the  victims  of  foul's  play  and  the  movies. 

I  will  start  from  the  beginnin',  Joe,  and  tell  you 
what  has  made  me  the  laughin's  stock  of  North 
America,  and  the  answer  to  it  all  is  that  a  guy 
can't  do  two  things  at  the  one  time  and  do  the  both 
of  'em  right,  and  I  should  of  stuck  to  either  base 
ball  or  the  movies  and  be  done  with  it! 

Well,  Joe,  I  joined  the  Reds  at  St.  Looey,  and  on 
the  way  out  in  the  train  I  read  this  here  sceneryaro 
of  the  first  picture  I  am  gonna  grace  for  the  Photo 
Craft  Company,  and  I'll  say  it's  a  cuckoo!  As  I 
understand  it,  I  am  supposed  to  be  a  famously 
pitcher  and  wildly  in  love  with  the  daughter  of  the 
boob  which  owns  my  team.  Well,  we  need  one 
game  to  win  the  pennant,  and  I  am  gonna  work  in 
that  game,  and  the  despicably  cur  of  a  villain  has 
got  it  framed  so  I  lose.  It  seems  that  in  the  ninth 


118     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

innin*  I  get  a  double  and  as  I  slide  into  second  the 
villain,  which  is  playin'  that  bag  tries  to  spike  me; 
but  at  the  risk  of  her  life,  honor,  health,  com 
plexion  and  etc.,  the  owner's  daughter  has  warned 
me  of  that,  and  when  I  hook  into  second  I  knock 
this  guy  cold,  and  the  whole  plot  at  once  becomes 
public's  property,  and  on  the  next  play  I  steal 
home  with  the  f ollowin'  remarkable  results :  I  win 
the  game,  the  pennant,  and  the  girl.  They's  a  lot 
more  to  it  than  that,  Joe,  but  that's  the  main 
points  of  the  picture  which  is  entitle  "The  Heart 
of  Bonehead  McGluke." 

Well,  Joe,  I  study  up  that  till  I  am  eatin'  it, 
sleepin'  it,  talkin'  it  night  and  day,  and  could  go 
on  and  play  it  at  the  drop  of  a  hat  by  the  time 
I  get  to  St.  Looey.  I  even  practiced  in  front  of  the 
mirror  in  the  smokin'  car  when  everybody  was 
sleepin',  just  how  I  would  knock  the  second-base 
villain  kickin'  when  the  time  come. 

I  report  to  Pat  Moran  hi  the  hotel  at  St.  Looey, 
and  he  fails  to  rush  up  and  kiss  me  hysterically 
when  he  sees  me.  First  I  got  to  prove  who  I  am, 
and  then  he  looks  me  up  and  down  like  I'm  a 
flounder  and  he  wants  a  pound  for  supper  if  it  ain't 
too  dear,  and  says  the  f  ollowin' : 

"Look  here,  Harmon — the  high  life  is  all  over 
now,  and  you  gotta  tend  to  your  knittin'  from  now 
till  the  world's  series  is  over.  You're  no  more  to 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          119 

me  than  the  bat  boy  and  you'll  keep  strict  trainin' 
rules  from  now  on.  They  tell  me  you're  a  bad 
actor — well,  bad  actors  is  my  dish — get  that?" 

Well,  Joe,  I  was  kinda  overcame  by  this  re 
ception,  and  the  first  thing  I  remember  is  what 
Rube  Benton  has  tipped  me  off  to  about  the  reason 
the  Reds  was  able  to  win  the  pennant.  I  made  up 
my  mind  that  I  would  start  right  in  with  all  of  my 
cards  on  the  table. 

"Now  that  you  have  got  that  off  your  lungs," 
I  says  in  a  harshly  voice,  "listen  to  me  for  a 
minute,  Mister  Patrick  Opium  Moran !  I  know  all 
about  what  methods  you  used  to  make  the  Reds  go 
crazy  and  win  a  pennant  this  year,  so  they's  no  use 
camouflagin'  each  other  at  the  go  in.  Whilst  I'm 
with  the  club  I  will  do  my  best,  but  you  wanna 
understand  this  here — you  ain't  gonna  feed  me  no 
dope,  not  if  you  cried  your  eyes  out — and  there's 
that!" 

Well,  Joe,  he  falls  back  a  coupla  feet  and  looks 
at  me  like  a  man  in  astonishment. 

"Patrick  Opium  Moran,"  he  says.  "Dope? 
What  the wha'  d'ye  mean  dope?" 

"Don't  try  to  laugh  it  off,"  I  says,  very  stern. 
"  I  heard  the  whole  story — everybody  knows  it  by 
now.  How  else  could  you  guys  win  a  pennant  if 
the  whole  club  wasn't  charged  up  with  hooch  every 
day?" 


120     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Joe,  the  daze  look  on  his  face  goes  away,  and  he 
let  forth  a  snarl. 

"Oh,  a  kidder,  hey?"  he  says.  "Well,  you  git 
up  to  your  room  and  sleep  it  off.  I  want  you  at  the 
park  to-morrow  mornin'  to  see  what  you  got  left. 
You're  workin'  for  me  now,  and  you  make  one 
more  funny  crack  about  dope  or  anything  else  and 
I'll  start  you  off  with  a  fine  of  two  hundred  bucks ! 
So  Mac  told  you  I  had  'em  all  doped,  hey?  Have 
I  signed  a  busker  at  this  stage  of  the  game?"  he 
winds  up,  walkin'  away. 

Joe,  the  man  seemed  so  sincere  that  he  had  me 
guessin',  and  I  made  up  my  mind  I  wouldst  say  no 
more  about  the  thing.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  I  don't 
know  yet  whether  the  Reds  was  all  doped  up  or  not. 

Well,  anyways,  Moran  sent  me  in  against  St. 
Looey  for  the  last  game  of  the  series  there,  and  it 
was  a  spread  "for  me  as  I  win  under  wraps  4  to  1. 
I  brung  in  two  of  my  own  runs  with  a  four-base 
clout  whilst  we  had  a  man  on  third.  I  didn't  work 
no  more  till  the  Phillies  come  to  Cincinnati,  and  I 
shut  them  babies  out  7  to  0,  and  then  Moran  puts 
me  on  ice  till  the  first  game  of  the  world's  series. 

Joe,  Jeanne  come  on  to  see  that  there  fatally 
game  and  brung  with  her  most  of  the  movie  bunch 
from  the  studio,  which  it  seems  was  crazy  to  see 
me  in  action.  I  didn't  get  much  chance  to  mingle 
around  with  'em,  because  Moran  guarded  me  like 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          121 

I  was  the  secret  of  livin'  forever.  But  a  few  hours 
before  the  game  I  managed  to  sneak  down  in  the 
lobby  of  the  hotel,  and  I  seen  Mister  Wright,  the 
head  movie  director,  talkin*  to  Jeanne.  I  asked 
him  what  he  was  doin'  there,  and  he  just  gimme  a 
funny  wink  and  says  nothin',  and  before  I  could 
ask  any  more  Moran  comes  growlin'  along  and  I 
am  whisked  away  to  the  park. 

Joe,  I  will  never  forget  that  game  as  long  as  I 
live  and  neither  will  nobody  else  which  seen  it. 
When  I  walk  out  on  the  field  to  take  my  place  on 
the  mound,  they  was  a  roar  went  up  from  the 
crowd  which  must  of  been  heard  plainly  in  Aus 
tralia.  I  am  forced  to  wave  my  cap  hithers  and 
yon  and  bow  to  the  rights  and  left,  but  with  all 
that  racket  I  am  as  cool  as  $56  worth  the  ice. 
The  umpire  yells  the  historically  "Play  ball!"  and 
we  are  off,  amidst  the  most  deathly  silence. 

Liebold  is  the  first  guy  up  and  his  name  might 
just  as  well  of  been  "Beer"  because  he  only  hit 
2.75  against  me  that  day.  The  first  one  was  a  ball 
and  the  next  three  sent  him  back  to  the  bench,  his 
arms  sore  from  wildly  swingin'  at  the  air.  Collins 
grins  at  me  when  he  toes  the  plate  and  hollers: 
"Well,  how's  little  Mary  Pickford  to-day?" 

Joe,  that  there  rattled  me  because  how  did  he 
know  I  was  in  the  movies  and  before  I  could  get  set 
again  he  has  hit  one  by  dumb  luck  and  the  boobs 


122     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

I  got  in  back  of  me  let  him  get  to  second.  I  got 
Weaver  two  strikes  and  a  ball  when  he  asks  me 
how  I  am  gettin'  along  with  Chaplin  and  beats  out 
a  infield  hit.  The  crowd  is  all  standin*  up  yellin' 
and  there  I  am  with  two  on,  only  one  out,  and  no 
less  than  Jackson  before  me.  He  hollers  that 
Douglas  Fairbanks  has  been  lookin'  for  me  all 
mornin'  and  slams  the  first  one  out  to  left  field,  but 
Duncan,  which  seems  to  be  the  only  ball  player  I 
got  in  back  of  me,  spears  it  for  the  second  out. 
Felsch  prob'ly  couldn't  think  of  no  crack  to  make 
and  I  fan  him  before  he  knowrs  what  it's  all  about. 

I  got  quite  a  reception  when  I  come  in  off  the 
field  and  Moran  slaps  me  on  the  back  and  says  if 
he  had  only  had  me  before  they  would  of  win  the 
pennant  in  May. 

Well,  Joe,  they  are  pitchin'  Cicotte  against  us 
and  he  starts  in  by  fannin'  Rath  and  makin' 
Daubert  pop  out  to  right  field.  Heinie  Groh 
laughs  at  him  and  tripled,  whilst  the  crowd  goes 
crazy  and  I  come  up  next,  bein'  shifted  to  the 
clean-up  position  by  Moran.  Well,  Joe,  Schalk  is 
catchin'  for  the  White  Sox,  and  he  starts  right  in  on 
me.  He  claims  that  Theda  Bara  has  been  hangin' 
around  the  White  Sox  hotel  all  mornin'  askin* 
where  she  can  find  me  and  it  must  be  great  to  be  a 
movie  star  and  I  certainly  am  lucky  and  etc.  I 
let  the  first  one  go  by,  mostly  because  it  was  a  mile 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI !          123 

over  my  head,  but  hearin'  it  called  a  strike  I  caught 
the  second  one  on  the  nose  and  it  come  down  in 
Shantung  for  the  first  bounce,  scorin'  Groh  and 
placin'  me  on  first  on  account  of  Jackson  prob'ly 
palmin'  a  extry  ball  from  his  pocket  and  puttin* 
it  in  play  whilst  the  one  I  hit  went  over  the  fence. 
How  them  guys  get  away  with  it  is  past  me,  be 
cause  I  could  of  swore  I  seen  that  pill  soarin'  away 
into  the  clouds!  Well,  whilst  I  am  on  first,  Joe, 
Chick  Gandil  commence  to  tell  me  I  oughta  have 
more  sense  than  to  try  and  act  in  a  movie  whilst  a 
importantly  world's  series  game  is  goin'  on  and  I 
asks  him  what  he  means,  and  he  says,  look  at  all 
the  camera  men  on  the  field  takin'  my  picture. 
Joe,  I  looked  and  sure  enough  they  was  forty  of 
'em  there  grindin'  away  like  mad.  Ah1  at  once  I 
remember  about  Mr.  Wright's  sayin*  he  was 
comin'  out  some  day  when  I  didn't  know  it  and  he 
was  gonna  take  pictures  of  me  and  this  must  be 
the  day,  because  didn't  I  see  him  in  the  lobby  in 
the  mornin'?  Well,  Gandil  goes  on  and  says  it's 
a  open  secret  that  they  was  gonna  take  this  movie 
I  am  in  out  there  to-day  and  that's  how  all  the 
White  Sox  knows  it  and  the  company  which  is 
makin'  the  picture  has  paid  nearhT  hah*  a  million 
dollars  for  the  privilege  of  spoilin'  this  game  be 
cause  half  the  White  Sox  players  was  actin*  in  it 
too,  and  the  papers  was  full  of  it  and  etc. 


124     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Joe,  I  seen  in  a  flash  it  was  up  to  me  to  make 
good  in  this  first  picture  of  mine  and  as  long  as  the 
company  has  it  all  fixed  to  take  the  thing  in  this 
game  I  should  worry.  Just  then,  Joe,  Roush 
singled  and  I  start  down  for  second.  Well,  I  seen 
Collins  grinnin'  at  me  and  I  figured  if  he  is  in  the 
movin'  picture  too,  then  he  is  the  villain  second 
baseman  which  is  gonna  spike  me  and  etc.,  so  I 
bounced  right  into  him  and  let  him  have  a  left  to 
the  jaw  and  out  goes  Mister  Collins  whilst  the 
crowd  immediately  becomes  40,000  ravin's  ma 
niacs,  most  of  which  won't  be  satisfied  till  they 
have  tear  me  limb  to  limb. 

Joe,  I  am  chased  from  the  game  and  the  police 
have  to  take  me  off  of  the  field  and  at  that  a  coupla 
bottles  englished  off  of  them  and  bounced  on  my 
shoulders.  Moran  is  gnashin'  his  teeth  like  a 
wildly  man  and  when  he  can  talk  at  all  he  claims  he 
will  begin  by  finin'  me  $500  for  gettin'  a  bun  on, 
and,  Joe,  I  ain't  had  a  drink  in  over  a  year! 

Well,  I  found  out  that  Gandil  and  the  White 
Sox  was  all  liars,  and  the  camera  men  which  was 
there  was  takin*  pictures  for  a  news  weekly  and 
didn't  even  know  I  was  on  earth,  and  Mr.  Wright 
had  no  idea  of  takin'  a  movin'  picture  of  me  there, 
and  I  was  crazy  to  hit  Collins  and  etc. 

So  there  you  have  the  whole  inside  story,  Joe, 
of  that  article  in  the  papers  which  said  that  me  and 


SO  THIS  IS  CINCINNATI!          125 

Collins  got  in  a  fight  durin'  the  first  game  of  the 
world's  series  and  I  was  canned  for  insubordination 
and  etc. 

Yours  truly, 
ED  HARMON  (King  of  the  Movies). 

P.  S. — No  doubt  you  seen  how  I  pleaded  with 
Moran  to  give  me  one  more  chance,  and  how  I 
went  in  for  the  fourth  game  and  shut  the  White 
Sox  out,  1  to  0,  in  spite  of  the  crowd  makin*  madly 
efforts  to  assassinate  me  when  I  first  come  out. 
Let  me  know  what  you  think  of  my  first  movie — 
so  far  I  hear  it's  rotten !  ED  HARMON. 


CHAPTER  V 

THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS 
FIFTH  INNING 

In  the  Midst  of  My  Drawn* s  Room,  N.  Y. 
FRIEND  AND  ETC.,  JOSEPH: 

Joe,  I  am  writin'  this  underneath  the  greatest 
of  difficulties,  because  we  are  doin'  nothin'  less 
than  movin'  and  everything  is  in  wildly  confusion. 
Chairs  and  tables  is  piled  hithers  and  yon  and 
comin'  heavyweight  champions  is  roughin'  my 
furniture  around  the  rooms  and  out  into  the 
street  and  I  gotta  keep  a  eye  on  'em  so's  they 
won't  bust  nothin'  outside  of  the  usually  $200 
worth  the  dishes  and  the  like.  Jeanne  and  my 
baby  has  already  gone  forth  to  my  new  home,  but 
I  was  left  flat  here  with  the  instructions  to  come  up 
with  the  motor  lorries  (English  slang  for  truck,  Joe) 
which  is  gonna  try  and  move  us  so's  I  can  see  that 
nothin'  in  the  line  of  house  furnishin's  gets  lost, 
strayed  or  stole  on  the  ways,  unless  it's  me  and  in 
that  case  it  don't  make  no  difference.  It's  easily 
enough  to  replace  a  husband,  Joe,  but  Looey  the 
14  antics  like  our  parlor  set  is  as  rare  as  a  hen  with 

126 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        127 

a  toothache  and  must  be  watched  like  a  young 
infant  baby. 

I  will  tell  you  how  it  come  to  the  pass  that  I  am 
movin'  Joe,  from  my  magnificently  apartment  up 
on  Riverside's  Drive  where  Grant's  Tomb  and  all 
the  well-to-do  millionaires  lives  although  of  lately 
it  ain't  as  exclusively  as  form'ly,  because  a  family 
with  the  unromantical  name  of  Smith,  which  got 
their  jack  outa  the  sausages  and  choice  bolognas 
etc.,  profession,  is  takin'  the  very  apartment  I  am 
leavin'  behind.  The  reason  I  am  movin'  is  the 
same  as  the  reason  I  can  afford  to  do  it  and  that's 
no  less  than  Jeanne,  the  luckiest  wife  in  the  world, 
bein'  mine! 

After  the  world's  series  is  all  wound  up  and  I 
have  covered  myself  up  with  glory,  I  come  back  to 
New  York  with  Jeanne  to  become  a  second 
Geraldine  Fairbanks  in  the  moviec.  Undoubt- 
lessly,  you  remember  I  told  you  we  had  signed  a 
lease  with  a  huge  and  famously  company  which 
guarantees  us  almost  nearly  as  much  salary  as 
Colombus  wouldst  get  now  if  he  could  come  to  life 
and  go  to  work  somewheres  as  a  judge  of  real 
estate.  The  lease  claims  we  must  make  at  least 
three  pictures  a  year  and  no  questions  asked  and 
they  are  good,  square  guys,  Joe,  even  if  somewhat 
shrewdly  and  let  'em  try  and  bust  my  contract  and 
they  will  see  more  lawyers  five  minutes  later  than 


128     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

the  average  judge  sees  in  a  lifetime — and  there's 
that! 

Well,  Joe,  one  of  the  first  things  that  greets  my 
eyes  when  we  get  back  to  my  flat  is  a  official 
communique  from  the  landlord  say  in'  he  wants  to 
see  me  at  my  earliest  convenience  or  in  the  other 
words,  at  once.  Of  course,  they  is  only  one  thing 
for  me  to  think  regardin'  this  subject  and  that  is 
that  the  landlord  is  filled  with  a  cravin'  to  con 
gratulate  me  for  my  wonderfully  showin'  in  the 
world's  series  and  prob'ly  he  no  doubt  wants  me  to 
accept  the  fiat  free  for  the  next  year  and  I  can  pick 
my  own  hall  boys  and  etc.  I  was  kinda  tired  after 
the  trip,  Joe,  and  wouldst  rather  of  gone  to  bed,  but 
a  man  like  me  bein'  in  the  public's  eye  from 
mornin'  to  night  is  under  certain  obligations  to  one 
and  all,  so  I  went  down  to  the  basement  where  the 
landlord  has  a  office  without  no  more  further  ado. 

I  am  forced  to  say,  Joe,  that  this  guy  didn't  leap 
up  off  his  chair  and  try  to  kiss  me  or  nothin'  like 
that.  Instead,  he  merely  flicks  a  coldly  nod  in  my 
direction  and  says: 

"I've  been  expecting  to  see  you  for  the  last  week, 
Mister  Harmon.  Have  you  been  out  of  town?  " 

Joe,  can  you  imagine  that?  Have  I  been  outa 
town — after  what  I  done  in  the  world's  series!  I 
bet  that  guy  would  ask  Pershing  if  he  ever  took  a 
ocean  trip! 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        129 

I  can  get  as  sarcastical  as  the  next  one  if  neces 
sary,  so  I  give  him  right  back  his  coldly  nod  and 
says : 

"What  d'ye  mean  have  I  been  outa  town?  I 
been  outa  town  for  over  a  month!  Don't  you  ever 
read  the  papers?" 

"Not  the  police  court  news!'*  he  says.  "You 
should  have  engaged  a  good  lawyer.  What  was 
the  trouble?" 

Joe,  I  controlled  myself  with  the  greatest  of 
difficulty.  Imagine  this  here  ig'rant  fathead, 
which  ain't  got  nothin'  but  nine  apartment  houses 
on  Riverside's  Drive  and  two  on  Second  Avenue, 
intimidatin'  that  7  had  been  in  jail! 

"Are  you  try  in'  to  kid  me?"  I  hollers,  in  a 
terrible  rage.  "Why  you  old  boob,  I  just  come 
back  from  bein'  the  bright,  shinin'  star  of  the 
world's  series,  which  you  prob'ly  don't  even  know 
what  that  is,  hey? 

"World's  series  of  what?"  he  sneers. 

"Parcheesi,  you  idiotical  hick!"  I  yells,  furi 
ously  with  anger.  "If  I  knowed  as  little  as  you  do 
about  what's  this  and  what's  that,  I'd  run  for 
Congress  and  prob'ly  get  elected.  I  bet  they  could 
make  twelve  sets  of  dice  at  the  very  least  outa  your 
head!  C'mon — what  d'ye  wanna  see  me  about?" 

Joe,  he  commence  to  tappin'  on  his  desk  with  a 
lead's  pencil,  the  while  pullin'  idly  at  his  whiskers. 


130     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"I  wanted  to  see  you, "  he  says,  "to  say  that  the 
chances  are  you  are  going  out  of  town  again  very 
shortly,  unless — unless  you  are  prepared  to  stand  a 
little  more  on  your  apartment." 

"I  could  stand  a  little  more  steam  without  no 
trouble, "  I  says,  givin'  sneer  for  sneer.  "Accordin' 
to  my  maid,  which  has  inhabited  the  joint  since  I 
been  away,  she  has  been  puttin'  the  food  on  top  of 
the  radiators  at  nights  to  keep  it  from  spoilin'!" 

"You're  the  only  tenant  in  this  house  that's 
complained  about  the  heat, "  he  says, 

"The  rest  of  'em  prob'ly  ain't  had  no  heat  to 
complain  about!"  I  comes  back,  with  a  snappily 
air. 

"Do  you  think  that's  funny?"  he  snarls. 

"I'll  leave  it  to  you,"  I  says.  "I've  paid  two 
bucks  to  hear  worse,  many's  the  time!" 

"That  will  do!"  he  grunts,  waggin'  the  lead's 
pencil  at  me.  "I  sent  for  you  to  tell  you  that  you 
were  notified  thirty  days  ago  that  at  the  expiration 
of  your  present  lease,  your  rent  would  be  increased 
to  $250  a  month.  I'm  willing  to  make  it  $230,  if 
you  pay  the  first  year's  rent  in  advance.  That's 
the  best  I  can  do!" 

"I  can't  see  into  it, "  I  says.  "What's  the  worst 
you  can  do?" 

"Dispossess  you!"  he  bawls.  "And  that's  just 
what  will  happen  if  you  don't  make  up  your  mind 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        131 

in  twenty -four  hours.  I  had  a  party  looking  at 
your  apartment  only  yesterday,  that  was  willing  to 
pay  $300  a  month  for  it!" 

"Stop  it!"  I  says.  "You  prob'ly  showed  'em 
Grant's  Tomb  by  mistake."  I  walked  over  and 
shook  my  fist  under  his  beak.  "Is  this  the  way 
you  treat  a  guy  which  went  over  the  top  to  fight 
for  you?"  I  says. 

"At  the  time  you  were  going  over  the  top,"  he 
sneers,  "you  weren't  fighting  for  me,  you  were 
fighting  for  you  !  You  hear  my  proposition — take 
it  or  leave  it!" 

With  that,  Joe,  he  picks  up  the  'phone  and  pays 
no  further  attention  to  me  than  if  I  was  China  and 
he  was  the  League  of  Nations. 

Well,  Joe,  my  first  idea  was  to  bust  him  in  the 
nose  and  be  done  with  it,  but  this  guy  wouldst 
only  add  it  to  my  telephone  bill  in  the  shape  of 
a  long  distance  call  or  the  like,  so  I  held  myself 
checked  and  after  givin'  some  slightly  vent  to  my 
passions  by  flingin'  him  a  horribly  look,  I  went 
back  upstairs  to  break  the  tough  news  to  Jeanne. 

Joe,  it  was  like  goin'  from  the  fryin's  pan  into 
the  fire,  because  no  more  has  the  maid  permit  me 
to  enter  my  flat  when  Jeanne  commences  bawlin* 
me  out  to  the  right  and  left.  Although  I  been  off 
of  the  stuff  for  so  long  that  for  all  /  know  a  high 
ball  is  a  dance  pulled  off  on  the  top  of  Washington's 


132     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Monument,  she  won't  have  it  no  other  way  but 
that  I  have  drop  in  at  the  corner  to  see  my  old 
friends  which  she  claims  is  canaille  and  has  forced 
me  to  pass  up.  I  says  I  am  not  guilty  and  any 
ways,  if  I  had  gone  in  the  corner  what  good  is  it 
now  when  we  have  all  been  took  prisoner  by 
prohibition  and  a  glass  of  crack  ice  is  nothin'  but  a 
mockery.  She  claims  they  is  still  2.75  beer  and  I 
says  yes,  but  that  means  two  bottles  for  seventy- 
five  cents  and  they  is  a  worse  kick  in  skim  milk 
than  they  is  hi  that. 

"What  then  has  kept  you  so  long  from  the 
home?"  she  says,  with  a  pout  which  would  make 
them  magazine  cover  dames  take  ether. 

"Tryin*  to  keep  the  home  so  long,"  I  says. 
"Our  jovially  landlord  is  attemptin'  to  take  the 
apartment  away  from  us.  You  wanna  cancel  all 
games  you  got  scheduled  for  to-day,  we  gotta  go 
out  and  dig  up  another  robber  and  try  to  rent  a 
flat  from  him — otherwise,  this  guy  will  hurl  us 
bodily  into  the  street!" 

What  does  Jeanne  do,  Joe,  but  jump  up  and  clap 
her  hands,  the  while  grinnin'  from  one  ear  to 
another. 

"Viola/"  she  says.     "But  that  is  cJiarmant  /" 

I  like  to  fell  into  the  baby's  crib,  a  thing  I  have 
always  try  to  avoid. 

"Charmant?"  I  hollers.     "What  is  they  char- 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        133 

mant  about  bein'  gave  the  bum's  rush,  when  think 
of  the  reputation  I  have  got  to  uphold  here  and 
there!  D'ye  realize  how  tough  it  is  to  find  a 
apartment  in  this  New  York  burg  now,  hey? 
They  has  been  no  buildin'  since  the  war  and  still 
and  all  fresh,  new  people  has  been  pourin'  hi  by  the 
millions  every  minute.  The  town's  so  over 
crowded  now  that  foundations  for  apartment 
houses  is  bein'  laid  off  Sandy's  Hook  and  Fire 
Island!  The  chances  are  we  will  be  under  canvass 
in  Central's  Park  before  the  week  is  out  and — 

"Edouard!"  butts  in  Jeanne,  very  sudden  and 
with  the  first  traces  of  wifely  anger  commencin'  to 
show  in  them  baby's  blue  eyes  of  hers.  "  How  often 
have  I  tell  you  to  not  holler  at  Jeanne  like  you  do 
those  pinochle  cochon  friends  of  yours  I  have  exile 
from  here?  Now  you  will  at  once  make  apologize, 
oui?" 

"Oui  is  right!"  I  says,  tryin'  to  kiss  the 
approachin'  battle  away  and  missin'  it  from  here 
to  Russia.  "I'm  sorry  and  etc.,  but — 

Tryin'  to  interrupt  your  wife  whilst  she  is 
talkin',  Joe,  is  the  same  as  tryin'  to  halt  Niagara 
Falls  with  "Who  goes  there?" 

"If  you  will  then  be  quiet,"  she  butts  in.  "I 
will  explain  all.  I  am  happy  we  must  to  leave 
here,  because  now  Jeanne  can  have  her  own  chateau 
somewhere  out  in  those  beautiful  country  and  live 


134     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

like  a  lady  and  not  like  one  sardine  in  those  box  you 
call  flats!  liens — Jeanne  is  not  use  to  live  this 
way !  When  you  take  me  away  from  my  beautiful 
France  and  my  charmant  maison  de  la  Verne,  I  at 
least  have  plenty  of  the  sweet,  fresh  air  and 

"Til  say  you  was  havin'  plenty  of  fresh  air  when 
I  took  you  away  from  the  mason  de  Verne,  all 
right!'*  I  says.  "On  account  of  the  roof  havin' 
just  been  blowed  of  by  a  coupla  whizz  bangs!" 

"Qu'importe  /"  she  says,  shruggin'  them  shoul 
ders  of  hers  which  is  the  same  as  my  head,  bein' 
ivory.  "That  was  le  guerre.  But  before  that — 
ah ! — it  was  magnifique  !  I  have  never  been  con 
tent  to  live  the  way  I  have  since  I  come  to  the 
Etats  Unis,  but  I  say  nothing  because  you  were  not 
a  rich  man,  mon  Edouard.  But  now  we  have 
beaucoup  francs  and  you  are  no  longer  those  ball 
player.  Jeanne  will  have  you  home  all  the  time 
and  then  there  is  little  Weelson.  It  is  not  good 
that  he  should  live  by  those  dangerous  subway, 
jCesi  ce  pas?" 

"He  don't  have  to  play  in  the  subway,  does  he?  " 
I  growls. 

She  lets  that  one  pass. 

"We  will  have  the  array  of  servants,"  she  goes 
on,  "the  motors,  one  special  nurse  for  Weelson, 
your  valet,  femmes  du  chambre — in  short,  ma 
cherie,  we  shall  in  truth  have  the  castle  and  Jeanne 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        135 

shall  be  your  chatelaine!  What  on  the  Heavens 
and  earth  more  than  that  could  you  desire?" 

"The  money  to  pay  for  it — that's  all!"  I  says. 
"Now  listen — you  might  as  well  forget  about  that 
hashish  eater's  dream  of  yours,  Jeanne,  because  my 
name  is  Harmon  and  not  Rockefeller.  Livin'  the 
way  you  have  just  mentioned  wouldn't  get  me  sore 
either,  but  I  couldn't  even  buy  a  photograph  of  the 
layout  you  have  just  reeled  off — and  there's  that ! 
In  fact  we  are  livin'  too  expensive  as  it  is  and  I  was 
figurin'  on  cannin'  the  car  and  the  chauffeur  and 
then- 

"For  weeks  I  have  had  talk  and  letters  with 
Monsieur  Charles  Prunty  and  now  all  is  settled," 
she  goes  on,  like  she  ain't  even  heard  a  comma  of 
what  I  just  said.  "It  is  away  up  on  the  Hudson 
River  and 

"Hey— wait!"  I  hollers.  "Who  the— who's 
Charles  Prunty  and  what's  'way  up  on  the  Hud 
son — Albany?" 

"Non,  non,  non  /"  she  says.  "Our  glorious  and 
magnifique  chateau  de  luxe  I  Twenty  rooms,  seven 
baths,  garage,  stables — well,  you  shall  then  see  for 
yourself,  mon  Edouard.  And  the  amount?  Poof — 
it  is  nothing!  But  thirty -five  thousand  dollars. 
We  will  hurry  up  there  now  and  you  shall  give 
Monsieur  Charles  Prunty  your  check  for  half  and 
Jeanne  will  herself  pay  the  other  half!"  She 


136     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

jumps  up  all  excited,  "Marie!"  she  hollers  at  the 
maid.  "Have  me  on  the  telephone  Greeley 
88694,  depecher!" 

Well,  Joe,  it  was  now  my  time  to  either  be  a  man 
or  a  mouse  with  my  charmin'  wife  runnin'  amucks  on 
me  like  this,  like  I  was  merely  one  of  the  hired  help 
instead  of  the  lord  and  master  of  the  domains  of  my 
flat.  I  got  up  and  stood  between  Jeanne  and  the 
'phone  and  drawed  myself  up  coldly,  featurin'  more 
dignity  than  they  is  in  the  U.  S.  Supreme  Court 
when  they  got  a  important  oil  case  before  'em. 

"One  moment,  Mrs.  Harmon!"  I  says,  usin' 
a  name  I  seldom  call  Jeanne  even  when  at  the 
height  of  rage.  "One  moment.  This  here  has 
gone  far  enough!  You  seem  to  have  forgot  that 
I  am  your  husband.  In  France  a  husband  may  be 
nothin',  but  on  Riverside's  Drive  a  husband  is 
practically  a  East  Indiana  Rajah  in  his  home  and 
the  most  merely  flicker  of  his  eyelash  is  law!  I 
have  told  you  I  can't  afford  no  country's  home  and 
that  winds  it — get  me?  I  am  goin'  down  now  and 
tell  our  genially  landlord  I  will  pay  the  raise  he 
asks  and  if  you  bring  this  Monsieur  Charles 
Prunty  guy  down  here  I'll  say  he'll  do  a  piece  of 
runnin'  three  seconds  after  he  pushes  the  door  bell ! 
We're  gonna  live  right  here  until  7  think  we  oughta 
move.  I'm  boss  here  and  I  got  no  intention  of 
abdicatin'  in  your  favor  for  some  time  to  come. 


TEE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        137 

For  the  next  year,  at  the  least,  your  address  will  be 
exactly  the  same  as  it  is  now — and  there's  that  /" 

Leavin'  her  standin'  there  dumfounded  to 
within'  one  half  inch  of  her  life,  Joe,  I  grabbed 
hold  of  my  hat  and  paced  from  the  room  amidst  a 
silence  which  would  make  a  gnat's  footstep  sound 
like  a  TNT  party. 

They's  nothin'  like  showin'  your  wife  who's  who 
and  be  done  with  it,  hey?  I  guess  I'm  a  sucker 
to  give  this  here  yegg  which  poses  as  a  landlord  by 
day,  $230  a  month  for  parkin'  space  for  my  little 
family,  but  at  the  least  I  got  the  satisfaction  of  not 
givin'  hi  to  my  wife  and  have  not  been  humiliated 
or  the  like,  hey  Joe? 

Yours  Truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (Reignin'  Monarch  of 
his  Own  Home,  at  the  least!) 

Harmony  Hall,  alongside  of  Hudson's  River,  N.  Y. 
Mon  Ami  JOE: 

Undoubtlessly  you  will  be  filled  with  surprise 
and  etc.  when  you  lamp  the  address  I  have  put  at 
the  top  of  this  letter  and  you  will  no  doubt  prob'ly 
wonder  is  Harmony  Hall  a  jail,  a  hospital,  a 
theatre  or  even  maybe  a  lunatical  asylum,  hey? 
Well,  Joe,  I  will  ease  the  strain  on  your  head  by 
tellin'  you  that  Harmony  Hall  is  none  of  them 
things,  but  instead  is  the  name  of  my  country's 


estate  on  the  beautifully  Hudson,  opposite  the 
prominently  known  Palisades  and  the  like.  Joe, 
it  is  a  wonderfully  country  up  here  and  reminds 
me  a  great  deal  of  some  of  the  places  we  passed 
through  in  France,  except  that  it  ain't  rainin'. 
Right  next  to  my  palace  is  the  astoundin'  castle  of 
Stanley  J.  Friegenheim,  the  well  fixed  millionaire 
and  by  lookin'  out  my  attic  window  I  can  see  the 
old  bird  walkin'  in  his  garden.  Not  that  it's  a 
especially  treat  to  me  to  look  at  a  guy  which  can 
write  a  check  for  a  million  fish  and  get  it,  when  I 
have  shook  hands  with  a  coupla  kings,  not  to 
mention  queens,  jacks  and  etc.,  whilst  in  Europe  on 
government  business  last  year.  Why,  Joe,  as  far 
as  that  goes,  the  president  of  France  even  kissed  me 
when  he  pinned  the  second  Croix  de  Guerre  on  me,  so 
what's  lookin'  at  a  merely  millionaire  to  me,  hey? 

However,  I  will  try  and  not  be  stuck  up  with  this 
Friegenheim  guy  and  if  he  comes  over  to  borreh  my 
lawn's  mower  and  etc.  I  will  let  him  have  it  for  a 
reasonably  deposit  and  maybe  me  and  him  can 
break  up  the  long  winter  nights  which  is  comin' 
with  pinochle,  rummy  and  etc. 

No  doubt  you  are  wonderin'  how  it  come  to  the 
pass  that  I  am  livin*  in  the  country,  when  me  and 
New  York  life  meant  so  much  to  each  other  for 
years.  Well,  Joe,  it's  very  simply.  I  had  all  the 
war  I  could  take  over  in  Europe  and  I  would  be  a 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        139 

simp  to  start  one  in  my  own  home  after  what 
happened  to  the  kaiser,  which  had  much  more 
room  to  work  in.  Jeanne  wanted  to  buy  this  here 
steal  on  Buckin'ham  Palace  we  are  livin'  in  now 
and  I  swore  that  no  matter  what  come  to  the  pass 
I  wouldst  not  leave  the  city.  The  result  is  that  the 
next  day  we  took  this  place  up  Hudson's  River 
which  I  have  named  Harmony  Hall  in  honor  of 
Gen.  Pershing,  as  the  Gen's  name  is  too  long  to  go 
over  the  main's  entrance. 

I  hated  to  give  in,  Joe,  after  once  puttin*  my 
feet  down  on  it,  but  women  is  practically  runnin* 
this  country  to-day  what  with  votin'  to  the  rights 
and  lefts  and  etc.  and  they  is  no  use  to  try  and  boss 
'em,  because  it  will  get  you  nowheres.  As  far  as 
that  goes,  they  are  liable  to  run  the  U.  S.  as  well 
as  us  strongly  men  has  and  with  the  high  cost  of  a 
livin*  to-day,  prohibition,  guys  goin'  on  strikes  and 
runnin*  off  race  riots,  the  women  can't  do  no  worse 
a  job  than  we  done!  The  thing  you  have  got  to 
recognize  now,  Joe,  is  the  freedom  of  the  shes,  hey? 

Well,  Joe,  before  I  move  again  I  will  purchase 
a  divorce  if  necessary,  because  them  days  of 
packin'  and  etc.  is  somethin'  I  will  never  forget! 
Whatever  important  and  expensively  things  we 
didn't  lose,  we  broke  and  whatever  things  we 
didn't  do  either  with,  the  movin'  men  did  both. 
They  charged  me  $15  the  hour  for  the  privilege  of 


140     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

wreckin'  my  furniture  and  accordin'  to  the  hours 
they  claimed  they  used  up,  they  had  paralytic 
snails  drawin'  the  vans  all  the  ways.  Joe,  they  is 
one  other  thing  connected  with  movin'  and  that 
is — if  you  got  any  pride  you  will  lose  it  with 
lightnin'  like  speed  the  minute  the  movin'  men 
enters  the  house.  A  movin'  man  thinks  every 
body's  furniture  is  rotten,  no  matter  how  ex 
pensively  it  may  be  and  they  will  sneer  at  a  $600 
dinin'  room  table  like  it  was  the  roof  of  the  dog 
house  and  by  the  time  they  get  through  throwin' 
sarcastical  glances  at  your  stuff  you  feel  like  a  bum 
and  wonder  if  it's  worth  while  movin'  it  at  all  and 
why  not  throw  the  junk  down  the  dum  waiter  shaft 
and  be  done  with  it! 

Well,  Joe,  I  have  got  to  make  this  one  short  and 
sweetly,  on  account  of  Jeanne  havin'  as  usually 
give  out  press  tickets  for  a  lotta  people  to  come 
up  to  our  house  to-night,  only  this  time  the  excuse 
is  called  a  "house  warmin.'"  I  have  got  to  shave 
and  get  fixed  up  like  a  honorary  pall  bearer  ex 
cept  with  more  white  shirt  showin',  although  you 
might  think  the  proper  costume  for  a  house 
warmin'  wouldst  be  a  fireman's  suit,  hey? 

Anyways,  Joe,  I  trust  I  don't  get  in  no  jam  as 
of  old.  Yours  Truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (Feudal  Lord 
of  Harmony  Hall). 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        141 

Harmony  Hall  (With  the  First 

Part  Getiw?  Weak,  Joe!) 
Carissima  Jose  and  the  like: 

Well,  Joe,  I  am  in  a  jam  as  of  old  and  I  am  con 
vinced  now  that  they  is  more  to  married  life  than 
they  is  to  any  of  the  other  national  games  of 
America.  I  always  make  it  the  point  to  try  and 
please  one  and  all,  which  same  is  about  as  easy  as 
it  wouldst  be  for  a  guy  with  chronic  St.  Vitus  dance 
to  try  and  walk  the  tight  rope  over  Hades.  In 
the  future,  I  am  gonna  devote  my  activities  to 
pleasin'  myself  and  that's  all ! 

Joe,  although  I  am  still  a  native  of  this  here 
castle  of  mine,  I  am  at  present  livin'  like  a  single 
bachelor,  because  Jeanne  has  removed  herself 
and  my  baby  and  our  mutual  maid  to  another  part 
of  the  house  and  I  am  about  like  Napoleon  was 
whilst  the  well  known  army  man  was  on  St.  Helen's 
Island.  I  got  the  same  amount  of  friends  as  the 
Crown's  Prince  of  what  used  to  be  Germany  and 
likewise  and  to  wit,  my  future  is  just  as  bright! 

How  did  all  this  come  to  the  pass,  you  will  say 
and  I  will  answer  that  I  am  the  innocently  victim 
of  my  own  huge  heartedness.  Like  Nero,  I  tried 
to  be  a  good  guy  and  got  the  worst  of  it  and  that's 
that ! 

Them  which  is  really  responsible  for  the  fact 
that  I  am  in  wrong  is  no  less  than  Jeanne  and  a 


142     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

sceneryaro  writer  by  the  name  of  Wm.  Shake 
speare.  I  predict  a  bright  future  for  this  kid  which 
wrote  a  piece  called  "The  Merchant  of  Venus"  and 
whilst  the  idea  is  old  stuff,  it  ain't  bad  for  a  un 
known  at  that.  But  the  point  is  between  this 
Shakespeare  guy  and  my  charmin'  and  beautifully 
wife,  I  have  been  put  in  solitary  confinement  in  my 
own  home  and  they  can  share  the  blame,  fifty  fifty. 
A  woman  changes  her  mind  so  often,  Joe,  that 
she  would  make  one  of  them  sha  melons  with  the 
trick  colored  backs  quit  like  a  dog.  Remember  I 
told  you  we  was  gonna  tear  off  a  house  warmin'? 
Well,  naturally  enough  I  figured  on  wearin'  the 
old  chairman  of  the  entertainment  committee  suit, 
but  at  the  last  minute  what  does  Jeanne  do  but 
make  up  her  mind  she's  gonna  give  a  costume's 
ball.  Joe,  a  costume's  ball  is  where  not  satisfied 
with  makin'  a  fool  out  of  yourself,  you  dress  the 
part  also  and  Jeanne  won't  have  it  no  other  way 
but  that  I'm  gonna  be  a  musket's  ear  of  the  time 
of  Looey  the  14.  I  gotta  go  downtown  and  hire  a 
set  of  scenery  which  if  you  ever  flashed  me  in  it, 
Joe,  you  wouldst  be  the  first  one  to  take  offense. 
What  they  is  of  it  is  red  velvet  and  in  lew  of  pants 
I  got  tights  and  around  my  manly  neck  is  a  mill 
stone  made  outa  starch  lace  all  ruffled  up  and  etc. 
Joe,  they  is  also  lace  ruffles  on  my  cuffs  and  I  got  a 
sword  which  might  alarm  a  frog,  but  wouldst  never 


harm  him.  The  whole  effect  is  supposed  to  repre 
sent  this  Looey  the  14  musket's  ear,  but  when  I 
flash  myself  in  the  lookin's  glass  I  am  satisfied  I 
look  a  great  deal  more  like  Sweet  Spirits  of  Niter! 

Well,  Joe,  Jeanne  is  disguised  as  Dinah,  the 
Goddess  of  the  chased,  and  if  this  Dinah  ever  went 
around  dressed  as  scarcely  as  that,  I  can  under 
stand  the  Board  of  Censors  pullin'  off  a  mutiny, 
though  when  I  give  Jeanne  a  argument  she  claims 
she  copied  her  costume  from  one  of  this  Goddess 
Dinah's  favorite  snap  shots.  The  only  Goddess  I 
ever  met  personally,  Joe,  was  the  Goddess  of 
Liberty,  but  after  flashin'  Jeanne  in  her  costume 
which  after  all  was  more  modestly  than  I  have  seen 
when  dragged  to  the  grand's  opera  and  etc.  I  am 
satisfied  that  she  is  the  only  original  Goddess  and 
the  rest  of  them  is  ringers.  If  I  was  one  of  them 
poetically  guys  I  might  be  able  to  describe  what 
Jeanne  looked  like  when  she  stepped  to  the  door 
of  my  room  before  goin'  down  to  make  out  she  was 
glad  to  see  my  guests,  but  not  bein*  one  I  can  only 
say  they  is  only  one  other  guy  in  the  world  which 
has  any  idea  of  how  she  looked  to  me  and  his  name 
is  Mark's  Anthony! 

Well,  Joe,  I  fin'ly  got  all  fixed  up  in  this  here 
musket's  ear  costume  and  whilst  I  know  I  look 
insipid  and  silly,  I  try  to  carry  it  off  with  a  boldly 
air  and  go  downstairs  to  greet  our  guests  like  I  been 


144     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

used  to  this  all  my  life  and  etc.  The  guests  is  what 
you  might  call  a  mixed  crowd,  Joe,  bein'  made  up 
of  Big  League  society  dames  and  their  boy  friends 
with  a  sprinklin'  of  movie  stars  for  dessert.  Every 
body  is  forced  to  wear  a  mask  accordin*  to  the 
rules  so's  that  nobody  will  know  positively  who  the 
other  guy  is  until  the  bewitchin'  hours  of  mid 
night,  when  each  and  all  snatches  off  their  masks 
amidst  a  chorus  of  delightful  "Ah's!" 

In  about  a  hour  a  slew  of  guests  has  arrived  and 
I  never  seen  such  a  scene  since  the  night  I  had  the 
typhoid's  fever  and  got  delerious.  Everybody  is 
wearin'  a  different  costume  from  the  other,  Joe, 
and  they  is  ballot  girls,  devils,  women  sheep 
herders,  clowns  of  all  the  sexes,  fairy  queens,  mer 
maids,  vampires,  innocently  milkmaids,  etc.  etc. 
and  even  etc. 

Well,  we  mill  around  hithers  and  yon,  Joe,  and 
I  could  of  swear  I  had  the  experience  of  bein' 
flirted  with  several  times,  but  bein'  a  full  fledge 
married  man  I  have  put  all  that  behind  me  and 
content  myself  with  merely  lettin'  forth  pleasantly 
smiles  to  one  and  all.  Some  of  them  high  society 
dames  which  was  dressed  to  thrill  certainly  took  a 
terrible  chance  of  catchin'  cold  and  not  in  the  head 
either,  but  as  long  as  their  costumes  proved  not  to 
embarrass  them  why  should  /  raise  a  reprovm*  eye 
brow,  hey,  Joe? 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        145 

I  moved  about  here  and  there,  Joe,  playin*  no 
favorites  and  fin'ly  I  wind  up  in  a  corner  of  the 
ball's  room  where  a  guy  dressed  up  as  a  lizard  is 
readin*  to  Jeanne  and  a  lotta  other  dames  the 
sceneryaro  of  Jeanne's  last  picture  which  she  is  to 
appear  in  by  herself,  before  we  face  the  camera 
together.  It  is  called  "The  Merchant  of  Venus," 
Joe,  like  I  told  you  before  and  whilst  I  only  caught 
a  odd  snatch  of  it  here  and  there,  the  plot  is  some- 
thin'  like  this. 

It  seems  they  was  a  young  guy  over  in  the  old 
country  by  the  name  of  Antonio,  which  fell  for  a 
swell  lookin'  dame  which  answered  to  the  name  of 
Portia,  havin'  met  her  whilst  she  was  on  her  way 
to  the  local  delicatessen  mill  to  get  a  pound  of 
fleish  (Jewish  for  meat,  Joe,)  for  her  old  man,  which 
rejoices  in  the  name  of  Shylock.  Well,  on  account 
of  religious  differences  and  the  like,  Shylock  re 
fused  to  allow  the  happy  young  folks  to  get  wed 
and  bawled  out  his  charmin'  daughter  to  a  fare- 
thee-well  for  bringin'  back  Antonio  instead  of  the 
pound  of  fleish.  Well,  Joe,  Portia  bein'  a  clever 
kid,  called  her  boy  friend  to  one  side  and  whispers 
in  his  ear  and  Antonio,  which  had  beaucoup 
pennies,  beats  it  to  the  only  delicatessen  in  town 
and  buys  it  out  from  the  dumfounded  proprietor, 
thereby  and  to  wit  cornerin'  all  the  fleish  in  the 
burg.  Old  Shylock,  which  by  this  time  is  on  the 


146     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

brinks  of  starvation,  goes  yellin'  and  wailin'  all  over 
the  place  for  his  pound  of  fleish  and  fin'ly  Portia 
says  if  she  can  wed  this  Antonio  guy  she  will  see 
that  her  father  is  well  fed  in  peace  and  plenty 
forever  after.  Shylock,  though  chokin'  with  the 
rage,  hadda  give  in  and  there's  thai  ! 

Well,  you  can  see  they  ain't  much  to  it  outside 
of  the  love  interest,  Joe,  but  Jeanne  is  gonna  be 
Portia  and  she  seemed  to  like  it  very  much  and 
whilst  if  my  baby  couldn't  write  a  better  novel 
than  that  I  would  trade  him  for  a  scarf  pin,  I 
suppose  it's  O.  K. 

In  my  wanderin's  here  and  there  about  my 
castle,  I  see  that  joy  is  at  its  height  and  the  boys 
and  girls  is  all  paired  off,  jazzin'  around  and  etc. 
They  ain't  no  question  but  what  it's  all  gonna  cost 
me  a  handsome  penny,  but  we  only  live  once  or 
twice  and  I  would  rather  die  happy  than  rich — 
still  and  all,  hurlin'  away  dough  like  this  is  nothin' 
short  of  criminal.  The  male  delegates  to  this 
party  is  nearly  all  hangin'  around  Jeanne  like  she 
was  the  only  one  in  the  world  which  knowed  a 
place  where  soft  drinks  was  forbidden,  but  I  have 
got  over  bein'  jealous  long  ago.  Only  they  is  at 
least  three  guys  there,  Joe,  which  if  they  had  of 
looked  at  Jeanne  once  more  like  they  was  when  I 
come  in,  they  would  of  immediately  got  acquainted 
with  the  nearest  doctor  to  where  we  live! 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        147 

Well,  over  in  a  corner  all  alone  is  a  rather 
stoutly  dame  which  at  first  glance  looks  like  the 
Tower  of  Jewels  they  had  on  Fifth  Avenue  for  the 
soldiers.  She  will  never  again  glimpse  her  forty- 
fifth  birthday,  but  she  has  got  it  on  the  other  girls 
in  the  matter  of  chins  havin'  at  the  least  three  to 
their  one.  Also  she  is  featurin'  more  diamonds 
than  Tiffany  ever  seen  on  the  best  day  he  had  and 
she  is  dressed  to  represent  Queen  Elizabeth,  which 
if  her  make-up  is  truthful,  I  bet  said  Queen  never 
got  elected  for  no  second  term.  But  what's 
worryin'  me,  Joe,  is  that  she  is  all  alone  like  a 
wall's  flower,  whereas  and  to  wit  all  the  other  girls 
has  got  from  six  to  a  dozen  guys  hangin*  around 
'em.  Now,  Joe,  when  I  give  a  blowout  I  want 
everybody  to  be  happy  and  go  away  singin*  my 
praises  for  bein'  a  good  guy  and  the  like  and  any 
ways,  I  feel  full  of  love  and  romance  after  hearin* 
this  "Merchant  of  Venus"  thing.  So  I  made  up 
my  mind  I  wouldst  see  that  this  dame  got  a  part 
ner  if  I  hadda  break  a  leg. 

I  wish  now,  Joe,  I  had  broke  the  leg! 

Charlotte  Russeau,  the  famously  vampire, 
happens  to  pass  me  at  that  minute  and  says  how's 
tricks  and  I  says  I  wouldst  like  a  short,  brief  chat 
with  her.  Havin'  been  granted  the  audience,  I 
asks  her  who  is  the  stoutly  and  inclined  to  be 
elderly  dame  which  is  sittin'  all  by  herself  in  the 


148     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

midst  of  the  gaiety  and  lettin'  forth  what  is  known 
as  smirks  at  the  young  men,  without  none  of  'em 
givin'  her  a  tumble. 

"  Why, "  says  Charlotte.  "  That's  Mrs.  Hedges- 
Ply  mpton,  the  society  leader  and  the  dame  which 
is  playin'  fairy  godmother  to  your  wife  in  gettin' 
her  across  with  the  class  of  this  burg.  She's  a  silly 
old  fool  and  makes  me  sick,  personally,  but  she's 
got  $1.25  for  every  dark  complected  gent  in  India 
and  won't  even  curl  a  eyebrow  at  anybody  which 
ain't  descended  from  deckhands  on  the  May 
flower,  outside  of  your  wife.  She's  been  pointed 
out  to  me  once  and  introduced  to  me  once  and  was 
as  friendly  both  times.  They  tell  me  that  ordi 
narily  she's  as  frosty  as  Cape  Nome,  but  she  seems 
to  have  let  down  a  bit  to-night.  I  know  she  looks 
on  us  artists  as  some  queer  kinda  fish  and  that's 
what  kidnaps  my  goat!  Warren  Kendall,  the 
Super-Players  star,  asked  her  to  dance,  outa  pity 
and  she  turned  him  down  so  cold  the  poor  boy  is 
sufferin*  from  chilblains.  She  won't  mix  with 
nobody  but  her  own  kind  and  she's  only  here  as  a 
favor  to  your  wife.  Look  at  her  givin'  us  all  the 
once  over  through  that  trick  glass  of  hers.  I  bet 
she's  sayin',  'My,  what  horrid  creatures!'  Well, 
they's  no  use  of  me  gettin'  sore  at  the  old  iceberg — 
all  /  gotta  do  is  look  in  a  pier  glass  and  then  I  can 
feel  sorry  for  her  I  Wanna  dance?" 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS       149 

"No  thanks!"  I  says,  with  the  greatest  of 
politeness.  "I'm  on  the  wagon.  Thanks  for  the 
dope  and  I  trust  you  are  havin*  a  good  time." 

"Soon  as  it  gets  the  other  way,  I'll  leave!" 
she  says,  and  blows. 

Well,  Joe,  bein'  still  all  fill  up  with  that  "Mer 
chant  of  Venus"  thing  I  can't  help  feelin'  sorry 
for  the  gently  old  lady  and  I  says  to  myself  it  is  up 
to  me  to  dig  her  up  a  partner  of  her  own  kind  so's 
she  can  enjoy  herself  and  they  must  be  at  the  least 
one  other  blue  blood  there,  because  Jeanne  has 
got  the  habit  of  gettin'  everything  in  sets.  So  I 
wander  here  and  I  wander  there  on  my  romantical 
quest  and  fin'ly  I  wander  outside  the  house  and 
onto  the  lawn,  feelin'  a  great  deal  like  a  modern 
Cupid,  except  of  course  I  have  not  got  a  Cupid's 
uneyform  on. 

Well,  Joe,  they  is  a  tall,  handsome  and  dis 
tinguished  lookin'  guy  out  there  and  his  costume 
consists  of  a  lotta  gold  lace  and  buttons  here  and 
there  and  my  guess  is  that  he's  takin'  off  a  Turkish 
admiral  or  the  like.  He  ain't  got  no  mask  on, 
prob'ly  havin'  took  it  off  to  get  the  air  and  he 
makes  a  politely  bow  when  he  sees  me  which  I  give 
back,  at  the  same  time  gettin'  in  the  information 
that  I  am  no  less  than  Ed.  Harmon.  Joe,  he 
immediately  presented  me  with  another  bow  and 
says  that's  very  good  and  he's  got  a  accent  like  a 


150     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

English  Duke  and  in  spite  of  his  masquerades 
costume  you  can  see  he  is  class  all  over.  I  then 
says  is  he  havin'  a  nice  time  and  he  says  he  is  and 
I  made  the  bold  to  inquire  at  this  point  why  he 
ain't  inside  with  the  rest  of  the  merry's  makers. 
Well,  that  seemed  to  kinda  fluster  him  a  bit  and 
he  commences  to  stall  and  I  see  in  a  minute  he's 
one  of  them  bashful  birds  which  ain't  at  the  top  of 
their  game  when  in  a  crowd  and  he  has  undoubt- 
lessly  stole  outside  for  a  little  relief.  So  to  put 
him  at  his  ease,  I  told  him  all  about  the  "Merchant 
of  Venus  "  and  he  laughed  heartily  at  it  and  claims 
it's  "Rippin'."  Then  I  told  him  a  coupla  more 
stories  like  the  one  about  it  seems  they  was  a 
Irishman  which  just  come  over  and — well,  any 
ways,  Joe,  I  worked  fast  and  kept  him  on  the 
verge  of  the  hystericals  for  upwards  of  half  a  hour. 

Well,  Joe,  then  it  struck  me  that  here  was  a 
chance  for  me  to  do  a  good  deed,  especially  as  I 
am  fill  of  that  romantical  Shakespeare  kid's  stuff, 
because  here  is  a  guy  outside  all  alone  and  inside 
is  a  dame  the  same  way  and  what  could  be  sweeter 
than  for  me  to  bring  them  together?  I  could  tell 
right  away  from  this  guy's  conversation  that  he 
was  at  the  least  as  blue  blood  as  Mrs  Hedges- 
Plympton  if  not  more  so  and  the  chances  are  they 
wouldst  welcome  each  other  with  open  arms. 

So  I  grabbed  him  gently  by  the  arms,  Joe,  and 


TEE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        151 

keepin'  the  conversation  at  fever's  heat,  I  steered 
him  over  to  the  door.  He  gimme  a  trifle  resist 
ance  and  says  Really,  you  know,  he  cawn't  go  in 
side  just  yet  and  then  I  remember  he  ain't  got  no 
mask  on,  so  I  take  off  mine  and  fasten  it  around 
his  face  before  he  can  stop  me.  Then  I  put  a  silk 
handkerchief  over  my  own  face,  Joe,  so's  not  to 
break  the  rules  of  Jeanne's  costume  ball.  He 
keeps  pullin'  back  and  sayin'  he  don't  care  to  go  in, 
but  I  shove  him  gently  and  firmly  along  until  we 
get  right  in  front  of  Mrs.  Hedges-Ply mpton,  which 
is  still  stoutly,  fulla  diamonds  and  alone.  On  the 
way  over  I  have  whispered  to  him  what's  his  name 
and  he  says  it's  Sawnders  so  whilst  the  prominently 
society  leader  is  examinin'  me  carefully  with  her 
glasses  which  she  wears  on  the  end  of  a  stick,  I 
says: 

"Mrs.  Hedges-Plympton,  shake  hands  with 
Mister  Sawnders  of  here  and  undoubtlessly  Eng 
land,  from  his  talk.  I  want  you  two  to  be  little 
pals  together  and  I  feel  you  can't  miss  fallin*  for 
each  other!" 

With  that,  I  blowed,  Joe,  and  I  think  I  carried 
the  rather  try  in'  situation,  fully  as  well  as  Reggie 
Rockerbilt  could  of  did  it  and  I  never  been  in 
society  before  in  my  life,  outside  of  the  Legal  Aid 
Society  when  I  worked  for  a  butcher  as  a  child, 
which  fired  me  without  payin'  off. 


152     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Well,  Joe,  from  then  on  everything  went  merrily 
and  I  felt  so  good  over  what  I  had  did  that  I 
tripped  the  lightly  fantastic  with  a  coupla  dames 
and  etc.,  and  when  I  sneaked  a  look  at  Mister 
Sawnders  and  Mrs.  Hedges-Ply mpton  I  seen  them 
dancin'  likewise  and  although  this  swell  lookin' 
guy  looked  a  trifle  nervously  to  the  nude  eye,  he 
certainly  seemed  to  be  gettin'  over  with  the  high 
society  leader  from  the  way  she  was  leanin'  on  his 
arm  and  smilin*  up  at  him.  He  certainly  was  a 
handsome  guy,  they's  no  two  ways  about  it  and  I 
heard  some  guy  say  that  whoever  he  was,  his  make 
up  was  deucedly  clever. 

Fin'ly  along  comes  twelve  o'clock  and  the 
eater's  dinner  is  all  set  and  the  guests  stops  dancin' 
and  separates  in  pairs  around  the  ball's  room. 
Jeanne  is  by  my  side  and  why  not  and  she  whispers 
to  me  to  switch  off  the  lights  the  minute  the  clock 
strikes  twelve.  Everybody  is  supposed  to  take 
off  their  masks  whilst  in  utter  darkness  and  then 
on  goes  the  lights  and  the  girls  can  see  who  is  the 
boobs  which  has  been  treadin'  on  their  feet  all 
night  on  the  pretense  of  dancin'. 

Well,  Joe,  I  got  the  lights  out  all  O.  K.  and  they 
is  a  excitedly  buzz  of  conversation  with  happy 
laughter  and  etc.  and  then  Jeanne  tells  me  to  throw 
'em  on  again.  When  I  done  that  and  whilst  every 
body  is  blinkin'  and  kiddin'  each  other,  I  seen  that 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        153 

Mister  Sawnders  still  has  his  mask  on  and  not  only 
that  he's  tryin'  to  make  a  break  for  the  exit  near 
est  him.  The  boys  and  girls  is  all  laughin'  and 
Mrs.  Hedges-Ply mpton  giggles  and  commences  to 
act  the  same  as  a  young  kitten  and  she  hangs  onto 
his  arm. 

"You  naughty  boy!"  she  says.  "You  shawnt 
go  unrevealed!"  and  with  that  she  reaches  up  and 
tears  off  his  mask. 

Sweet  Cookie! 

Joe,  Jeanne  give  one  look  at  the  handsome 
stranger  and  let  forth  a  shriek  and  a  coupla  guys 
near  me  busts  out  laughin'  and  says.  "This  is 
rich!"  and  a  dame  from  the  mansion  next  to  us 
gasps.  "Why — that's  my  butler  /" 

Mister  Sawnders  breaks  away  and  vanishes 
through  the  door,  Joe,  and  Mrs.  Hedges-Plympton, 
after  one  dumfounded  look  all  around,  picks  out 
the  best  lookin'  guy  near  her  and  faints  in  his  arms, 
diamonds,  three  chins  and  all! 

Well,  Joe,  everything  is  in  wildly  confusion  and 
I  figured  after  one  look  from  Jeanne  that  they  had 
all  the  help  they  needed  for  first  aid  and  etc.,  so  I 
took  it  on  the  run  myself.  The  last  I  seen,  the 
movin'  picture  gang  was  laughin'  themselves  sick 
and  Jeanne  was  tryin'  to  bring  Mrs.  Hedges- 
Plympton  back  to  life  with  all  the  maids  in  the 
place  as  assistants  and  the  like. 


154     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

I  come  in  at  six  the  next  mornin',  Joe,  wore  out 
and  on  the  brinks  of  exhaustion  after  wanderin' 
around  in  the  woods  all  night  dressed  like  this 
musket's  ear  of  the  time  of  Looey  the  14.  Jeanne 
was  waitin'  up  for  me  and  let  us  draw  the  veil  over 
what  took  place  immediately  on  the  heels  of  my 
entrance.  Never 's  the  less,  I  found  out  the 
sensational  information  that  Jeanne  had  borreyed 
this  Sawnders  guy  which  was  a  butler,  all  right, 
from  the  dame  which  lives  next  door  so's  to  give 
her  costume's  ball  the  fin'lly  touch  of  class.  I 
also  hear  that  I  have  runed  Jeanne  forever  and  a 
day  with  Mrs.  Hedges-Ply mpton  which  left  terri 
ble  insulted  and  etc.  on  account  of  bein'  worth 
hogshead  of  lucre  and  bein'  as  high  in  society  as 
Piker's  Peak  and  then  bein'  paired  off  with  a 
humbly  butler. 

As  I  say,  Joe,  Jeanne  claimed  I  did  it  on  pur 
pose  and  is  now  livin*  apart  from  me,  though 
in  the  same  house  of  which  I  am  a  inmate. 
It  wasn't  my  fault  at  all  and  if  I  hadn't  been 
all  romanced  up  after  hearin'  that  "Merchant  of 
Venus"  thing,  I  would  never  of  tried  to  dig  up  a 
partner  for  Mrs.  Hedges-Ply  mpton  and  all  would 
of  been  well. 

How  did  7  know  this  guy  was  a  butler,  Joe,  when 
everybody  around  the  place  was  disguised  as 
something  hey? 


THE  MERCHANT  OF  VENUS        155 

Anyways,  Joe,  this  Sawnders  guy  was  certainly 
class.  You  oughta  of  heard  him  say,  "Rahly,  I 
cawn't!" 

Yours  Truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (The  Victim  of  Cruelly 
Circumstances  and  etc). 


CHAPTER  VI 

THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES 
SIXTH  INNING 

Harmony  Hall  (Nestlm*  along  the 

banks  of  Hudson's  River)  N.  Y, 
Ma  Cherie  JOE: 

Well,  I  have  got  a  hour  to  assassinate  in  some 
ways  or  the  other  so  I  says  to  Jeanne,  well  I  guess 
I  will  write  a  letter  to  Joe,  hey?  and  she  wiggles 
her  shoulders  and  says  "Mais  comment  done!" 
which  is  short  for  "O.  K."  in  French,  Joe,  so  here 
I  am  toyin*  with  the  identical  implements  which 
put  Shakespeare  over,  or  in  the  other  word's  pen. 
ink  and  paper. 

I  have  just  come  from  havin'  no  less  than  my 
English  lesson,  Joe,  and  out  of  a  possible  100  points 
I  hit  .45  which  ain't  bad  for  the  first  time  up,  hey? 
I  am  now  quite  a  authority  on  parsin'  verbs  and 
etc.  and  I  can  tell  a  noun  ten  miles  away  by  the 
scent  alone  if  need  be.  Also,  I  am  as  intimately 
acquainted  with  the  construction  of  sentences  as 
any  yegg  which  ever  found  himself  face  to  face  with 
a  jury.  Joe,  I  am  takin'  this  grammar  and  etc. 

156 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES   157 

internally  in  order  to  please  my  charmant  wife, 
Jeanne,  which  claims  I  speak  the  native's  tongue 
like  I  had  picked  it  up  on  the  outskirts  of  Norway 
or  the  like.  I  am  forced  to  go  through  a  lotta 
novels  every  day  by  the  name  of  "McGiU's  Third 
Reader"  and  etc.  and  copy  off  a  lotta  ridiculously 
stuff  like,  "I  love  little  pussy  its  coat  is  so  warm 
and  if  I  don't  bite  her  he'll  do  me  no  harm!"  Can 
you  imagine  a  grown  up  adult  like  me  wilin*  away 
time  on  that  kinda  delerious  tremens?  Then  they 
is  other  bound  volumes  which  I  gotta  wade  through 
and  which  says  on  page  1,  "Find  the  verb  in  the 
following  sentence,  ie,  'A  Red  Turnip'." 

Well,  it's  all  in  the  lifetime,  Joe,  and  if  it  gives 
Jeanne  any  innocent  pleasure  to  have  me  do  this  I 
might  as  well  go  through  with  it  and  by  the  time  I 
get  released  from  this  here  night's  school  I  am  a 
habitue  of  I  will  no  doubt  be  able  to  speak  the 
King's  English  to  the  Queen's  taste  and  in  that 
case  I  can  prob'ly  get  a  job  at  clerical  work  on  the 
payroll  of  some  guy  which  thinks  adverbs  is  the 
name  of  a  religion. 

No  doubt  you  will  be  wonderin'  how  I  come  out 
with  Jeanne  after  that  battle  I  got  into  with  her  on 
account  of  me  bringin'  the  humbly  butler  to  her 
costume's  ball  and  pairin'  him  off  with  Mrs. 
Hedges-Ply mpton,  the  high  society  leader,  like  I 
told  you  in  my  last  letter.  Well,  I  come  out 


better  than  Germany  did,  anyways,  Joe,  on  ac 
count  of  Jeanne  bein'  French  and  the  French  bein' 
a  nation  of  business  people,  besides  bein'  ro- 
mantical.  Us  doughboys  found  that  part  of  it  out 
when  we  went  over  there  to  save  'em  from  the 
terrible  Hun  because  when  it  come  to  chargin', 
Joe,  they  was  nobody  could  beat  the  French 
whether  it  was  over  the  top  or  over  the  counter ! 

But  that's  neither  here  and  there,  the  idea  is 
that  Jeanne  was  forced  to  make  up  with  me  on 
account  of  us  goin'  to  be  heroes  in  the  movin' 
pictures  like  I  have  repeatedly  told  you.  As  we 
are  under  a  lease  to  a  company  for  five  years  and 
they  is  beaucoup  pennies  at  the  stake,  a  man's 
wife  would  be  silly  to  present  him  with  the  cold's 
shoulder  when  we  gotta  work  together  in  order  to 
get  this  jack.  In  a  union  they  is  strikes,  as  the 
guy  says,  hey,  Joe? 

So  now  all  is  peace  and  quiet  in  the  inside  of 
Harmony  Hall,  except  maybe  when  my  baby, 
which  same  is  gettin'  teeth  faster  than  he'll  ever 
get  dollars,  wails  aloud  into  the  night's  air  and 
then  I  have  to  get  up  from  my  downy's  bed  and 
wander  hithers  and  yon  around  the  castle  with 
him,  the  while  hummin'  sweet  lull  and  buys  like, 
"Go  to  sleep  you  little  boob,  we  are  livin*  in  the 
midst  of  millionaires  and  etc.  now  and  can't  punish 
the  neighbors  like  when  we  dwelled  hi  a  flat!" 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES   159 

Don't  think  that  this  here  armistice  was  brung 
about  with  the  ease  of  fallin'  off  the  log,  Joe,  be 
cause  it  was  far  be  it  from  such.  I  put  in  a  week 
at  solitary's  confinement  in  our  mutual  home 
without  seein'  nobody  but  grocery  boys  and  etc. 
and  you  gotta  hand  it  to  them  guys  at  that,  Joe, 
because  they  deliver  the  goods,  even  if  they  gotta 
go  around  to  the  servant's  entrance  to  do  the  same. 
Well,  after  seven  days  without  even  a  merely 
glimpse  at  the  girl  I  have  gave  my  heart  and  hand 
to,  Joe,  or  the  magnificent  young  infant  baby  which 
has  blessed  my  union,  this  here  business  of  bein* 
treated  like  I  had  small's  pox  or  was  accused  of 
bein'  the  Crown's  Prince  from  Germany,  begin  to 
get  on  my  nerves.  I  sent  Jeanne  a  cellar  full  of 
notes  by  the  via  of  her  maid  at  arms,  Marie,  any 
one  of  which  would  of  melt  the  heart  of  a  loan 
shark  and  I  am  not  even  presented  with  the 
courtesy  of  a  sarcastical  answer.  Accordin'  to  the 
reports  which  reaches  me,  Jeanne  has  suddenly 
became  the  same  as  a  guy  comin'  to  bat  for  the 
Athletics — she  is  always  out! 

Well,  Joe,  you  know  they  is  nobody  on  the  earth 
can  make  the  fool  outa  me  and  get  away  with  it, 
as  a  gross  of  people  has  found  out,  so  after  thinkin* 
over  the  thing  carefully  and  in  cold  blood,  I  come 
to  the  conclusions  that  I  had  made  a  three-base 
error  when  I  turned  over  my  future  happiness  to 


160     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Jeanne.  Although  my  heart  was  broke  in  half  a 
dozen  places  as  the  result  of  the  way  she  had 
turned  on  the  hand  that  fed  her,  you  might  say,  I 
decided  to  show  her  once  and  for  all  I  was  not  the 
one  to  be  trifled  with,  so  with  that  I  made  up  my 
mind  to  go  down  town  and  get  a  divorce  and  be 
done  with  it! 

On  the  way  out,  Joe,  I  left  a  little  sadly  note  on 
the  table  in  the  parlor  right  in  front  of  the  pier 
glass,  because  Jeanne  always  stands  there  and 
takes  a  long,  lingerin'  look  at  herself  when  goin' 
out  or  the  contrary  and  I  knowed  she  would  see  it. 
This  here's  what  I  wrote  and  I  leave  it  to  your 
judgement  if  it  wouldn't  melt  the  heart  of  a  wild 
beast: 

DEAR  MRS.  HARMON: 

Since  findin'  you  around  this  house  has  became  the  same 
as  tracin'  a  needle  in  the  haystack,  I  have  decided  that  your 
love  for  me  has  joined  the  aviation  corps.  Therefore  and  to 
wit,  I  am  this  day  goin'  to  a  lawyer  and  get  my  unconditional 
release  from  the  bounds  of  wedlock,  or  in  the  other  words,  a 
divorce.  As  soon  as  I  get  the  same,  will  advise  you.  You 
have  broke  my  heart  and  runed  me  and  it  seems  them  society 
pals  of  yours  is  more  important  than  your  legally  husband 
which  has  wore  his  head  to  the  bone  tryin'  to  think  out  new 
and  novel  ways  to  please  you.  I  gave  up  baseball  on  your 
account  and  you  would  never  of  been  a  movie  star  was  it  not 
for  bein'  my  wife  as  you  will  see  by  the  advertisin'  that  my 
name's  in  bigger  letters  than  yours.  I  am  sick  and  tired  of 
bein'  turned  into  a  parlor  pet  and  a  jazz  hound.  They  will  be 
no  more  of  them  parties  gave  in  my  house  and  you  can 
present  my  dress  suit  to  the  Knights  from  Columbus  or  to 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES   161 

Abie  Lowenstein,  which  is  secretary  of  the  downtown  Young 
Men's  Christian  Association  and  no  doubt  they  can  use  it  for 
some  of  the  worthy  poor.  Whilst  you  are  readin'  this,  I  will 
be  gettirr  a  divorce  and  if  you  will  call  me  at  Greeley  54763  I 
will  be  glad  to  get  one  for  you  whilst  I  am  at  it. 
Your  comin'  ex-husband, 

ED.  HARMON  (I  was  good  enough  when 
you  met  me  in  France,  hey?) 

P.  S. — I  have  throwed  my  English  grammar  into  the  ash  can 
and  hereafter  I  will  talk  like  I  please! 

Well,  Joe,  after  havin'  dashed  that  off  and  left  it 
where  it  would  catch  Jeanne's  beautifully  eyes,  I 
copied  off  the  names  of  a  dozen  choice  lawyers 
from  the  'phone  book  and  went  outside  where  the 
car  is  standin'  with  the  chauffeur  sittin'  back  at 
his  ease  readin'  a  paper,  like  he  was  the  proprietor 
of  the  bus  instead  of  me.  Joe,  he  glances  at  me 
like  he  had  never  seen  me  before  in  his  life  and 
what  of  it. 

"Drive  me  into  New  York!"  I  says.  "C'mon 
now,  make  it  snappy!" 

"Very  sorry,  sir,"  he  says,  as  cold  as  Jan.  10  in 
Alaska,  "but  my  orders  is  to  wait  here  'til  five 
o'clock!" 

Joe,  with  that  he  let  forth  what  is  knowed  as  a 
yawn  and  turnin'  over  a  page  of  the  paper,  he  goes 
on  readin'  society  tidbits  and  the  etc.  For  all 
the  attention  he  showered  on  me,  I  could  of  been 
in  let  us  say  Russia,  for  the  example.  Here  I  am 


162     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

payin*  this  traffic  cops'  delight  forty  berries  the 
week,  Joe,  and  he  is  better  dressed  than  I  am  and 
pullin'  the  airs  of  a  freshly  made  second  lieuten 
ant  on  me.  Joe,  since  I  am  learnin'  to  be  a  gentle 
man  I  know  just  the  proper  ah*  of  quiet  dignity  to 
use  with  a  unruly  servant,  so  I  leaped  on  the 
runnin'  board  and  yelled  into  his  ear. 

"You  dizzy  simp,  you'll  be  sorrier  than  a 
formerly  bartender  in  a  minute  if  you  don't  step 
on  that  gas  and  roll  me  away  from  here !  I'm  the 
baby  that  pays  you  off  every  week  and  I'm  like 
wise  governor-general  of  this  house  and  all  the 
inmates.  Who  give  you  them  orders  to  wait, 
hey?" 

Joe,  he  never  even  flicked  the  eyebrow. 

"The  boss,"  he  says.     "Mrs.  Harmon,  sir!" 

Can  you  imagine  that,  Joe?  The  6055  /  You'd 
think  /  was  a  merely  hired  man  or  the  like  around 
my  magnificent  country's  estate,  whereas  on  the 
other  hand  I  am  really  the  lord  and  master.  Well, 
I  had  to  step  away  from  the  car  before  my  feelin's 
got  the  best  of  me,  because  I  was  afraid  I  would 
slam  this  bird  in  the  nose  just  to  set  the  example  to 
the  other  menials  which  had  gone  over  to  the 
enemy,  but  in  the  nick  of  time  I  remembered  that 
a  gentleman  never  clouts  no  servant  in  public,  but 
instead  lets  it  go  with  givin'  the  low  fellow  a  sound 
and  dignified  reprimand.  So  I  called  this  guy  a 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SHES   163 

few  names  which  he  will  never  have  printed  on 
his  visitin'  card  and  then  I  paced  over  to  the  house 
again,  determined  to  get  a  audience  with  Jeanne 
and  have  the  thing  over  face  to  face,  once  and  for 
all. 

The  first  one  I  run  into  is  our  mutual  maid, 
Marie. 

"Here!"  I  says.  "Go  and  tell  Mrs.  Harmon 
that  I  wouldst  speak  with  her  at  once!" 

I'll  say  that  this  here  Marie  curls  a  mean  lip. 
Joe,  she  curled  one  at  me  and  likewise  made  me  a 
present  of  a  briefly  glance.  Speakin'  of  that 
glance,  for  the  first  time  in  my  life  I  knowed  what  a 
stale  egg  feels  like  when  the  guy  which  had  mis 
takenly  figured  on  devourin'  it,  gazes  at  it. 

"I  cannot  disturb  Mrs.  Harmon,"  she  says. 
"She  gave  me  strict  orders  to 

Joe — get  that  !     Another  mutineer,  hey? 

I  waved  my  arms  and  shut  her  off,  gettin* 
madder  with  each  fleetin'  second. 

"Don't  tell  me  no  more  about  Mrs.  Harmon's 
orders!"  I  hollers.  "It  looks  to  me  like  she's 
mixed  up  with  more  orders  to-day  than  Sears  and 
Roebuck  ever  seen.  Might  I  be  so  bold  as  to  ask 
what  she's  doin'?" 

Marie  give  a  sniff,  but  after  a  minute  she  de 
cided  to  take  a  chance  and  turn  state's  evidence. 

"She's  entertaining  at  tea,  sir,"  she  says. 


164     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"Well,"  I  says.  "See  if  you  can  steer  her  away 
from  them  other  dames  and  tell  her  I  am  leavin* 
here  and  must  see  her  at  once  on  a  matter  of  life 
and  death!" 

"There  are  no  other  ladies  present,  sir, "  remarks 
Marie,  with  a  odd  grin. 

"No  other  ladies?  "  I  says  in  absolutely  amaze 
ment.  "Then  who  the — what " 

"A  Mister  Carstairs,  sir,"  says  Marie,  and  then 
they's  a  bell  rings  somewheres  and  lettin*  drop  a 
courtesy,  as  the  sayin'  is,  she  beats  it — leavin'  me 
pale  and  tremblin'  with  surprise,  rage,  pain,  ex 
citement  and  in  the  hands  of  the  green  eye  demon 
jealousy. 

Joe,  I  know  you  have  prob'ly  no  doubt  dropped 
this  letter  and  let  out  a  startlin'  gasp  when  you 
read  this,  so  I  will  wait  'til  you  recover. 

Well,  of  course  the  first  thing  I  wanted  to  do  was 
to  rush  right  in  and  commence  slayin'  to  the  right 
and  left.  I  even  thought  for  a  second  of  callin'  up 
a  coupla  marines  I  know  and  makin'  a  clean  job 
of  it.  Joe,  can  you  imagine  Jeanne  bein'  at  the 
odds  with  me  and  then  havin'  tea  with  a  strange 
guy  right  in  my  own  house?  My  Gawd !  hey.  Joe  ? 

For  a  coupla  minutes  I  just  stood  there  like  a 
sturdily  oak  swayin'  from  the  side  to  side  in  a 
topical  storm  on  the  desert.  I  caught  a  flash  at 
myself  in  the  pier  glass  right  at  the  height  of  my 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES   165 

rage  and  Joe,  I  never  looked  more  handsome  (My 
clothes  is  all  tailor  made  now)  though  of  course 
at  the  time  I  wasn't  even  thinkin'  of  that  part  of  it. 
I  never  felt  as  bad  as  this  before,  Joe,  except  the 
first  time  I  was  requested  to  go  out  in  No  Man's 
Land  and  find  out  for  myself  is  it  true  a  baynet  is 
the  same  as  carbolic  acid  to  a  Jerry. 

Havin*  tea  with  a  strange  guy,  hey?  And  I 
ain't  even  kidded  as  much  as  a  amiable  manicure 
girl  since  me  and  Jeanne  has  been  wed.  I  been  so 
faithful  it  must  of  been  sickenin'  and  all  the  while 
she  was  prob'ly  playin'  with  me  like  a  cat  and  a 
mouse  does! 

Joe,  I  made  up  my  mind  right  then  and  there 
that  I  was  off  women  for  life.  You  know  the  old 
sayin',  Joe.  "Look  out  for  wine,  women  and 
song!"  Well,  that  combination  has  runed  what 
ever  guys  it  ain't  made  famous  and  as  they  have 
now  cut  the  wine  part  out  of  it  and  Jeanne  had 
evidently  double  crossed  me,  it  looked  like  they 
was  nothin'  left  for  me  to  do  but  sing  in  order  to 
get  any  pleasure  at  all  outa  life,  hey,  Joe? 

They  say  a  woman  ain't  got  no  freedom  at  all 
and  that  a  man  can  do  whatever  he  pleases  and 
get  away  with  it,  whilst  on  the  others  hand  a 
woman  has  got  to  be  as  careful  in  her  actions  as  a 
tightwad  is  with  a  nickel  or  the  world  will  slip  her 
the  frapped  shoulder.  Well,  I  am  convinced  that 


166     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

is  100  proof  bunk,  Joe,  because  if  reputation  was 
carfare  no  woman  would  have  to  walk  home  on 
account  of  losin*  it  and  there's  that !  Us  strongly 
men  which  is  supposed  to  be  brutes  in  disguise 
would  forgive  a  good  looker  for  dynamitin'  the 
orphan  asylum  and  also  give  her  credit  for  not 
doin*  more  whilst  she  was  at  it  and  you  know  it. 
Why  Joe,  for  a  long  time  I  thought  that  all  juries 
was  swore  in  for  was  to  acquit  these  delicate  and 
refined  dames  which  rather  than  have  the  un 
pleasant  notoriety  of  a  divorce,  swung  a  mean 
revolver  on  their  husbands  which  was  inclined  to 
be  wayward  and  etc.  But,  Joe,  when  a  man  gets 
before  a  jury  he  can't  very  well  cast  no  languishin' 
grins  at  'em  and  therefore  they  pay  a  trifle  at 
tention  to  the  evidence  instead  of  his  navy  blue 
eyes  and  stream  line  curves,  get  me? 

Joe,  the  average  guy  has  got  to  hustle  all  his  life 
night  and  day  for  what  a  woman  can  get  with  a 
merely  pleasant  smile  at  the  critical  minute,  but  the 
thing  works  out  fifty-fifty  because  some  women's 
smiles  is  worth  all  you  hustled  for,  hey,  Joe? 

Well,  to  get  away  from  this  enjoyable  subject,  I 
fin'ly  staggered  down  the  steps  of  my  formerly 
happy  home  and  wend  my  way  over  to  the  rail 
road  station  in  a  heart  broken  trance.  The  idea 
that  Jeanne  might  cast  me  aside  in  time  had  never 
struck  me  before,  I  been  so  busy  and  etc.  and  I  felt 


TEE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES      167 

like  goin'  into  the  nearest  drug  store  and  askin'  for 
a  nip  of  drinkin'  iodine  or  the  like  and  thus  end  it 
all.  Without  scarcely  knowin'  what  I  was  doin'  I 
leaped  on  a  train  for  New  York  and  I  bet  all  the 
passengers  did  nothin'  but  wonder  who  was  that 
tall,  handsome,  square  jaw  young  Greek's  god 
which  flang  himself  into  a  seat  and  gazed  neither  to 
the  right  or  left,  but  out  the  window  at  the  chewin* 
gum  and  malted  milk  signs  all  the  way  in,  the  while 
drummin'  on  the  sill  with  a  huge  clench  fist. 

Joe,  that  was  no  less  than  me  and  woe  would  of 
betided  -anybody  which  crossed  my  paths  right 
then,  I'll  tell  Shantung! 

I  have  got  to  go  out  to  the  foundry  where  they 
hammer  out  these  movin'  pictures  now,  Joe,  so  I 
must  close.  In  my  next  postal  I  will  tell  you  what 
happened  after  I  went  downtown  and  etc.  so  try 
and  get  some  sleep  until  then,  though  I  know  you 
are  crazy  with  excitement  to  hear  the  rest  of  it. 

Wishin'  myself  the  best  of  luck, 
Yours  truly, 

ED.   HARMON     (The  New 
Othello.) 

On  the  Enroute  to  Los  Angeles. 
Amigo  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  you  can  see  from  the  way  I  start  off 
this  letter  that  I  have  got  all  the  languages  at  my 


168     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

finger  tips.  I  guess  that's  about  as  far  as  I'll  ever 
get  'em,  Joe,  because  I  seem  to  find  it  impossibly 
to  get  'em  into  my  head.  Instead  of  gettin' 
better  under  the  treatment  of  this  professor  which 
took  up  the  Hercules  task  of  teachin'  me,  what 
English  I  have  seems  to  be  gettin'  worse  and 
Jeanne  claims  if  I  have  any  more  relapses  it  won't 
be  long  before  I  can't  even  understand  myself! 

I  am  now  on  my  way  to  the  Coast,  which  is 
slang  for  California,  Joe,  and  with  me  is  Jeanne 
more  charmin'ly  than  ever,  my  baby  and  our  joint 
maid,  Marie.  We  are  goin'  out  to  make  some 
scenes  for  our  first  picture  together,  the  title  of 
which  is  called  "Heavens  Above!"  and  is  a  ex 
tremely  sad  tragedy,  and  Joe  I  am  a  riot  in  it  and 
in  at  the  least  three  places  will  rock  the  audience 
with  sobs  and  etc.  I  have  been  tipped  off  that 
Fairbanks,  Chaplin  and  Hart  is  writhin'  around  the 
lots  out  there  with  jealousy  and  has  smashed 
dozens  of  cameras  in  their  petty  rage  when  they 
seen  some  of  the  film  which  was  made  here  for  the 
first  reel.  Well,  Joe,  I  will  be  very  cordially  with 
them  one  and  all  and  try  and  put  them  at  their 
ease,  because  I  don't  believe  in  bein'  up  the  stage 
with  nobody  and  would  rather  die  than  get  a  swell 
head  simply  because  I  was  born  a  natural  actor 
and  can't  help  it  if  I  am  a  little  better  than  the 
mob. 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES      169 

Well,  you  are  prob'ly  no  doubt  thinkin'  never 
mind  the  hoakum,  but  let  me  know  how  did  you 
make  out  with  Jeanne  after  that  lover's  quarrel 
you  got  into  that  threatened  to  render  you  asunder. 
So  without  no  more  further  ado  I  will  take  the 
plunge  right  into  that  part  of  it  now. 

When  I  got  off  of  the  train  in  New  York  that 
day  determined  to  rush  to  the  nearest  lawyer  and 
grab  off  a  divorce,  Joe,  the  first  guy  I  run  into  is 
no  less  than  Phil  Bloom,  the  honest  bookmaker, 
which  same  I  ain't  seen  since  Jeanne  hurled  me 
bodily  into  society.  Well,  Joe,  you  know  they 
say  that  misery  loves  to  be  amongst  company  and 
I  was  as  glad  to  see  Phil  again  as  the  breweries 
would  be  to  see  1918.  He  failed  to  fall  on  my 
neck  and  wildly  embrace  me  or  anything  like  that 
and  for  awhile  he  was  very  cool,  on  the  grounds 
that  I  have  became  stuck  up  since  I  made  money 
and  have  canned  all  my  old  friends  of  days  and 
nights  gone  by.  Well,  Joe,  you  know  that  as  a 
convincer  I  got  no  equals  and  few  peers  and  as  far 
as  that  goes  I  could  convince  the  formerly  kaiser 
he  was  in  right  at  the  present  time  so  I  had  little 
trouble  provin'  to  Phil  that  I  was  still  true  to  my 
old  pals,  but  that  a  married  man  has  got  to  think 
of  his  wife  first — also,  second,  third,  fourth,  fifth 
and  sixth.  Speakin'  of  married  life  reminded  me 
what  I  come  down  to  New  York  for,  so  I  dragged 


170     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Phil  into  the  nearest  one  of  them  places  which 
made  crack  ice  famous  and  we  had  some  2.75. 
That  is  I  had  2  and  Phil  had  about  75,  accordin'  to 
the  box  score  I  was  handed  as  a  bill. 

Then  I  ask  Phil  if  he  knows  of  a  practical  lawyer 
and  he  says  that's  what  his  cousin  is  and  I  says  is 
he  any  good  and  Phil  says  he's  got  to  be  good,  be 
cause  he's  descended  from  a  family  of  lawyers  and 
one  of  his  ancient  relatives  handled  all  of  King 
Solomon's  breach  of  promise  suits  and  is  that  good 
enough  and  I  says  yes. 

Well,  Phil  says  first  come  over  to  42nd  and 
Broadway  with  him  because  he  has  succeeded  in 
makin*  a  date  with  his  wife  and  she  will  be  glad 
to  see  me  again  and  is  less  liable  to  bawl  him  out 
if  he's  got  a  spectator  with  him.  Well,  Joe,  al 
though  my  heart  feels  like  it  weighs  a  coupla  tons 
at  the  least,  I  put  on  a  gaily  air  and  went  with  him, 
and  Mrs.  Bloom  shows  up(promptly  one  hour  late. 
Joe,  Phil  has  got  the  prettiest  wife  on  Lenox 
Avenue  between  116th  and  117th  Street  and  how 
a  dame  which  is  such  a  knockout  as  she  is  ever  fell 
for  Phil  is  somethin'  for  bigger  brains  than  mine 
to  tussle  with.  She  makes  a  large  fuss  over  me 
and  asks  how's  Jeanne  and  my  baby  and  why  do  I 
look  so  wore  out  and  do  I  like  Phil's  new  hat  which 
she  picked  out  for  him  and  what  do  I  think  about 
Prohibition  and  etc.,  and  I  says  yes. 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SHES  171 

Well,  before  I  can  tell  her  what  is  on  my  mind 
she  makes  the  claim  that  she  is  goin'  to  a  employ 
ment  agency  for  the  purposes  of  gettin'  a  maid  and 
she  won't  have  it  no  other  way  but  that  I  got  to  go 
with  'em.  Joe,  as  I  have  reached  the  stages  where 
I  care  not  what  happens,  I  call  a  taxi  and  we  all 
roll  off  together  to  this  place,  in  spite  of  the  fact 
that  Phil  says  me  and  him's  got  a  important 
engagement  at  the  Hotel  Astor.  Mrs.  Bloom 
killed  that  off  by  sayin'  they  is  no  use  for  Phil  to 
keep  the  engagement  because  only  last  night  her 
brother  told  her  that  the  Astor  was  one  of  the 
latest  places  to  take  prohibition  seriously  and  Phil 
might  as  well  start  in  snubbin'  the  saloons  now 
before  the  doors  was  locked  in  his  face,  which  is 
what's  gonna  happen. 

Well,  Joe,  I  must  tell  you  what  came  to  the  pass 
in  the  employment  agency,  because  I  got  more 
laughs  there  than  Chaplin  ever  handed  me,  and 
if  Keith  would  send  a  scout  around  to  them  places 
he'd  find  enough  promisin'  vaudeville  material  to 
give  him  the  writer's  cramps  from  signin*  contracts. 

The  first  applicant  for  the  portfolio  of  maid 
which  Mrs.  Bloom  begin  to  interview,  give  us  all  a 
sarcastical  up  and  down  and  Mrs.  Bloom  says: 

"I  am  looking  for  a  girl  who  will  do  the 

"What's  the  population  of  your  family,  hey?" 
butts  in  the  maid. 


172     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Phil  starts  to  giggle,  but  the  Mrs.  shuts  him  off. 

"There  are  three  of  us,"  she  says,  with  a  pleas 
antly  smile.  "Myself,  my  husband,  and  the  baby. 
He's  four  years  old." 

"Humph!"  snorts  the  maid.  "I  gotta  kid  to 
take  care  of,  hey?  What  are  you  willin'  to 
pay?" 

"  Well, "  stalls  Mrs.  Bloom.  "  Of  course  you  will 
have  your  room  and  board  and " 

"And  laundry!"  puts  in  the  maid. 

"Why — don't  you  wash?"  asks  Mrs.  Bloom  in 
surprise. 

"What's  the  matter,  ain't  my  face  clean?" 
snaps  the  maid. 

Me  and  Phil  give  ourselves  up  to  the  hysterical  s. 

"Oh — why — excuse  me!"  stammers  Mrs. Bloom, 
"I  meant,  don't  you  do  washing?" 

"You  can  say  I  don't,"  says  the  maid,  with  a 
sneer.  "Them  days  is  over!  I  gotta  have  two 
days  off  the  week  and  I  want  $60  a  month.  Is  the 
kid  much  trouble?" 

"That  will  do!"  says  Mrs.  Bloom,  risin'  and 
gettin' sore.  "You  may  go.  I'm  sure  you  would 
not  be  satisfactory." 

"Heh — I  should  worry!"  says  the  maid,  driftin' 
away  with  her  beak  turned  up  in  what  was  prob'ly 
disgust. 

The  next  candidate  is  shooed  over,  but  not  be- 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES      173 

fore  the  first  one  has  stopped  her  and  whispered  a 
few  tips  in  her  ear. 

"I  am  looking  for  a  girl  who "  begins  Mrs. 

Bloom. 

"Yeh!"  interrupts  the  newcomer  with  a  yawn. 
"How  far  is  the  nearest  movie  theatre  from  where 
you  live?" 

"Why — I — about  four  blocks,"  says  Mrs.  Bloom. 

"Kin  I  have  callers?"  is  the  next  question. 

"Well — I  suppose  so,  when  you  are  through 
your  work, "  says  Mrs.  Bloom. 

The  applicant  give  forth  a  sniff. 

"I  suppose  you  got  a  talkin'  machine,  hey?"  she 
asks. 

"Yes,"  says  Mrs.  Bloom,  kinda  dazed. 

"Well,  have  you  got  the  'Coffee  Pot  Blues', 
'Razzin'  The  Jazz'  and  'The  Hashish  Shimmy'?" 
says  the  maid. 

"Haw  haw— tie  that!"  hollers  Phil. 

"I  ain't  in  the  habit  of  bein'  laughed  at!"  says 
the  maid,  with  a  glare  at  us.  Mrs.  Bloom  seems 
to  be  in  a  trance. 

"I  don't  know, "she  says  in  a  weak  voice.  "I 
suppose  so.  We  have  all  the  latest  records.  If  we 
haven't  the  ones  you  mention  I'll — I'll  get  them 
and " 

"Do  you  do  a  lotta  entertainin'  and  have  what 
is  knowed  as  week  end  guests,  which  makes  a  lotta 


174     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

extry  dishes  and  the  like  to  wash?"  demands  the 
maid. 

"I  do  not  care  to  discuss  my  guests  with  you, " 
says  Mrs.  Bloom,  comin'  to  life  and  them  lovely 
eyes  of  her  sparklin'  'til  any  pawnbroker  which 
wouldn't  loan  you  $1,000  the  each  on  'em  would  be 
silly.  "I'm  afraid  you  won't  do!" 

"Did  I  claim  I  craved  the  job?"  sneers  the 
maid,  friskin'  away. 

Mrs.  Bloom  throws  up  her  hands. 

"Did  you  ever  see  anything  to  equal  this?"  she 
says.  "Of  all  the  impudence!  Why,  I've  never 
been  so  insulted " 

"I  wish  them  maids  was  men!"  says  Phil, 
bangin'  his  fists  together  and  glarin'  at  'em  all. 
"I  could  furnish  you  with  a  little  entertainment 
anyways!" 

Over  comes  another  one,  Joe.  This  here  czarina 
of  the  kitchen  was  big  enough  to  make  Dempsey 
jump  outa  the  ring  and  me  and  Phil  moved  to  one 
side.  Mrs.  Bloom  starts  right  off,  very  determined. 

"  Look  here,  my  girl, "  she  says.  "  I  will  pay  you 
$50  a  month,  give  you  a  nice  room,  your  board  and 
every  other  Sunday  off.  You  do  not  have  to  do 
washing.  There  are  only  three  of  us  in  the  family 
and  we  have  a  seven  room  apartment.  How  does 
that  strike  you?" 

"No  spika  da  Engleesh!"  says  the  maid. 


TEE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES   175 

"You're  hired!"  hollers  Mrs.  Bloom.  "Get 
your  things  and  come  with  me  now!" 

And  that's  what  happened. 

Well,  Joe,  when  we  got  up  to  Phil's  apartment, 
Mrs.  Bloom,  which  always  liked  me,  sends  Phil 
out  to  see  what  a  few  dollars  can  do  in  a  delicates 
sen  store  and  calls  me  into  the  livin'  room.  She 
makes  me  sit  down  and  then  she  pulls  up  a  chair, 
pats  me  on  the  shoulder  and  asks  me  what's  on  my 
mind.  Joe,  she  was  so  sympathetic  and  is  such  a 
good  looker  and  etc.  that  she  just  hit  me  right  and 
what  do  I  do  but  pour  out  the  whole  business  to 
her  about  me  and  Jeanne  and  the  strange  guy 
which  was  havin'  the  pleasure  of  tea  with  her  and 
then  I  wound  up  by  sayin'  I  was  in  New  York  for 
the  purposes  of  gettin'  a  divorce. 

Well,  Joe,  for  a  minute  she  don't  say  nothin'  but 
instead  walks  around  the  room  and  then  she  comes 
over  and  sits  down  again  and  tells  me  I  am  all 
wrong.  She  says  I  am  the  luckiest  guy  on  earth 
to  have  a  wife  like  Jeanne  and  a  baby  like  I  got, 
and  also  to  of  been  such  a  startlin'  success  and  if  I 
bust  it  all  up  now  I  am  a  bigger  boob  than  she 
thought  I  was.  She  claims  that  every  married 
couple  devotes  some  time  each  year  to  legitimate 
quarrelin'  and  when  they  don't  they  is  somethin* 
wrong  and  if  I  would  get  rid  of  some  of  the  con 
ceit  I  got  and  remember  that  the  population  of  the 


176     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

world  runs  into  billions  and  they  are  not  all  named 
Ed.  Harmon  I  would  be  all  right,  because  I  have 
got  a  barrel  of  traits  for  which  she  can't  help  likin1 
me,  but  I  am  my  own  worst  enemy  and  very  tryin' 
at  times.  She  also  lets  fall  the  information  that 
Jeanne  has  got  a  right  to  be  sore,  because  it  must 
of  been  very  humiliatin'  for  me  to  drag  in  that 
butler  and  introduce  him  to  the  high  society  leader 
at  Jeanne's  costume  ball.  Well,  Joe,  all  this  bein* 
hauled  over  the  coal  and  etc.  commences  to  get  me 
nervous  and  I  says  I  have  come  to  her  for  advice 
and  not  to  be  bawled  out,  because  if  I  wish  to  be 
bawled  out  I  could  of  stayed  home  and  got  better 
service  without  spendin'  the  carfare  to  New  York. 

Joe,  with  that  she  puts  her  hand  under  my  chin 
and  pushes  up  my  face  'til  we  are  lookin'  at  each 
other  right  in  the  eye  and  she  comes  out  point 
blank  and  asks  me  do  I  really  love  Jeanne.  I 
leaped  up  from  the  chair  and  I  says  that  I  would 
cut  off  my  right  arm  for  the  privilege  of  havin' 
Jeanne  put  hers  around  me  once  again  and  call  me 
"Cherie!"  like  she  used  to  do.  Well,  Joe,  at  that 
I  told  a  lie.  I  should  of  said  that  I  would  cut  off 
both  arms  and  consider  a  proposition  to  remove  a 
leg! 

Well,  Mrs.  Bloom  grins  and  says  I  am  no  less 
than  a  big  baby  and  should  get  spanked  and  she 
will  tell  me  what  to  do  to  fix  things  up  and  just 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SHES      177 

then  who  comes  in  but  Phil,  full  of  bundles. 
Whilst  the  new  maid  is  puttin'  plates  under  dill 
pickles,  cold  ham,  tongue  and  in  fact  all  the  head 
line  acts  at  a  delicatessen,  Mrs.  Bloom  'phones  to 
the  station  and  finds  out  when  the  next  train  leaves 
for  my  castle  up  on  Hudson's  River.  I  am  in  the 
midst  of  tellin'  my  troubles  all  over  again  to  Phil, 
when  she  comes  back  and  says  to  lay  off,  that  I 
don't  have  to  tell  the  world  about  it  and  what  I 
want  to  do  is  to  go  and  buy  Jeanne  a  present  and 
get  up  there  as  quick  as  I  can.  Well,  I  says  all 
right,  I  will  get  a  box  of  candy  and  Mrs.  Bloom 
says  once  a  boob,  always  a  boob  and  come  with 
her.  Joe,  before  I  can  protest  she  has  got  on  her 
hat,  and  her  and  Phil  dragged  me  around  the 
corner  to  a  jeweller's  and  still  in  a  daze  I  pick  out  a 
dinner  ring  consistin'  of  thirteen  diamonds  and  a 
slew  of  platinum,  and  when  I  leave,  this  guy  has 
got  my  autograph  on  a  check  for  $1,450,  though  at 
that  I  beat  him  down  from  $1,600. 

Mrs.  Bloom  says  hurry  up  and  grab  the  train 
and  when  I  get  there,  walk  right  in  like  a  man  and 
throw  my  arms  around  my  wife  and  apologize  for 
everything  whether  I  done  it  or  not  and  then  give 
her  the  ring,  and  if  Jeanne  don't  fall,  she  will  pay  me 
what  the  ring  set  me  back  herself!  Well,  Joe,  I 
shook  hands  with  her  and  says  she  is  a  prince  and 
I  am  a  lucky  guy  to  have  her  for  a  friend  and  if 


178     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Phil  wasn't  there  and  I  wasn't  wed  I  would  kiss  her 
outa  pure  gratitude  and  she  says  thanks,  but  she 
will  try  and  bear  up  without  it.  Then  I  says  how 
can  Jeanne  explain  that  strange  guy  she  was  havin' 
tea  with  and  Mrs.  Bloom  says  don't  be  silly  that 
means  nothin'  and  no  doubt  it  was  a  old  friend  and 
suppose  I  called  to  have  tea  with  her  would  they 
be  anything  wrong  in  that  and  I  says  yes,  because 
I  don't  drink  tea  and  never  could.  So  she  says  to 
quit  the  small  time  comedy,  Joe,  and  hustle  for  my 
train  and  forget  about  the  guy  which  was  havin' 
tea  with  Jeanne  and  everything  will  no  doubt  be 
explained  to  my  satisfaction.  As  a  example,  for 
instance,  she  says  a  old  school  chum  once  called  on 
her  when  Phil  was  out  and  yet  Phil  never  said 
nothin'  because  he's  sensible  and  at  that  Phil 
speaks  up  and  says  yes,  he  was  a  old  school  chum 
and  also  a  old  admirer  which  tried  to  marry 
you,  and  Mrs.  Bloom  says  he  did  no  such  thing 
and  one  word  led  to  the  other  and  when  I  left, 
Joe,  they  was  doin'  a  act  which  was  a  outright 
steal  from  the  one  me  and  Jeanne  did  in  Harmony 
Hall. 

Well,  Joe,  I  barely  managed  to  catch  the  train, 
but  such  was  the  case  and  in  the  due  course  I 
arrived  at  Harmony  Hall.  I  was  tightly  clutchin' 
the  $1,450  ring,  which  is  a  criminally  waste  of 
money,  but  after  all  it's  cheaper  than  payin' 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SHES      179 

alimony,  Joe,  and  my  heart  is  full  of  peace  and 
good  will  to  one  and  all.  On  the  way  up  to  the 
house  from  the  station,  Joe,  I  was  thinkin'  of  how 
I  am  gonna  heap  coals  and  fire  on  Jeanne's  head  by 
givin'  her  this  elegant  ring  after  she  has  been  so 
unkindly  to  me  and  all  in  all  by  the  time  I  reach  the 
portals  of  my  country's  estate  I  am  in  high  good 
humor,  as  the  sayin*  is.  I  marched  boldly  up  to 
the  door  and  ring  the  bell  and  no  less  than  Marie, 
our  charmin'  maid,  comes  out. 

"Tell  Mrs.  Harmon  that  her  husband  wouldst 
see  her  immediately  in  the  library!"  I  says. 

"I  am  afraid  that  madame  is  still  occupied  with 
Mister  Carstairs,"  says  Marie,  "but  I  will  take 
your  message  and 

Joe,  at  that  second  all  my  good  intentions  re 
signed!  The  idea  of  a  strange  guy  sittin'  in  my 
house  talkin'  with  Jeanne  all  this  time  whilst  she 
won't  even  give  me  a  tumble,  is  too  much  for  my 
nerves.  I  made  up  my  mind  that  the  time  for 
action  had  came  and  without  another  word  I  sailed 
passed  Marie  into  the  house,  whilst  she  gazed 
after  me  hi  frankly  astonishment.  Joe,  I  could 
hardly  see  what  I  was  thinkin*  about  I  was  so 
enrage  and  all  I  wanted  to  do  was  meet  up  with 
this  baby  which  was  in  there  drinkin'  tea  with  my 
wife,  tear  him  limb  and  limb  and  make  him  like  it! 
I  had  no  weapons  with  me,  but  I  figured  they  must 


180     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

be  a  chair  or  the  like  in  the  room  and  I  can  swing 
as  mean  a  piece  of  furniture  as  the  next  one. 

I  come  to  the  upstairs  drawin's  room,  Joe,  and  I 
listened  for  a  minute  and  heard  Jeanne's  voice  and 
then  it  was  quiet.  Without  no  more  further 
beatin'  about  the  bushes,  I  rapped  on  the  door. 
They  was  little  or  no  answer  and  I  banged  on  it  a 
coupla  more  times  with  the  identical  result.  Well, 
Joe,  I  remembered  they  was  another  door  in  the 
room  leadin'  to  a  back  stairway,  so  I  beat  it  around 
to  that,  thinkin'  that  if  this  guy  was  gonna  duck 
he  wouldst  go  out  that  way  and  I  could  then  nail 
him  with  the  greatest  of  ease.  I  tried  the  door 
and  it  was  locked  and  they  wasn't  a  sound  from 
the  inside  so  I  stopped  for  a  minute  and  give  my 
self  over  to  thinkin'.  Joe,  in  a  second  I  had  made 
up  my  mind  what  to  do.  I  knowed  full  well  that 
this  was  a  thing  which  would  make  Jeanne  off 
of  me  for  life,  but  I  couldn't  stand  the  suspense  no 
longer,  so  I  decided  to  end  the  thing  and  be  done 
with  it.  Clampin'  my  teeth  down  hard,  I  took  one 
leap  at  that  door  and  it  give  way  and  me  and  it 
crashed  into  the  room. 

Well,  Joe,  they  wasn't  nobody  therein  but 
Jeanne  and  she  looked  at  me  kinda  scared  for  a 
minute  and  I  guess  I  was  fairly  wild  lookin'  at  that. 
Joe,  I  hadn't  seen  her  for  a  week  and  she  looked 
so  good  to  me  standin'  there  with  her  cheeks 


THE  FREEDOM  OF  THE  SEES      181 

commencin'  to  get  the  color  of  red  and  them  eyes 
which  I  have  kissed  eight  million  times  in  round 
numbers,  sparklin'  and  etc.  that  I  almost  forgot  I 
was  a  outraged  husband  comin'  to  reek  vengeance 
on  one  and  all.  Before  I  could  open  my  mouth 
she  says. 

"Why  do  you  then  break  down  my  door, 
Edouard?" 

"I  wanted  to  see  you!"  I  pants. 

Joe,  she  took  a  slightly  step  toward  me  and 
throws  that  million  dollar  smile  of  hers  into  high. 

"You-  would  break  down  the  door  to  come  to 
me?"  she  whispers. 

"That  ain't  nothin',"  I  says,  "I  would  of  tear 
the  whole  house  apart  in  a  coupla  more  minutes 


"Ah!"  she  says,  very  low  and  still  lookin'  at  me 
kinda  funny,  "but  that  is  magnifique  !  You  do 
then  love  Jeanne?" 

Joe,  I  didn't  stop  to  try  and  dope  out  this  here 
sudden  change  or  why  she  should  think  bustin  '  in  a 
door  was  fine  business,  when  I  had  expected  she 
would  gimme  a  bawlin'  out  I'd  never  forget. 
Guys  have  spent  lifetimes  tryin'  to  figure  out 
women  and  then  got  the  wrong  answer,  so  why 
should  7  try  to  do  it  in  a  coupla  minutes?  I  was 
across  that  room  in  a  jump  and  Jeanne  was  in  my 
manly  arms  and  why  not  and  speakin'  about  me 


182     THERE'S  NO. BASE  LIKE  HOME 

lovin*  her — well,  we  got  that  all  settled,  anyways! 

Well,  the  next  thing  when  we  come  to  our  senses 
I  placed  that  $1,450  ring  on  her  finger  and  that 
didn't  make  matters  no  worse  neither  and  she  kept 
lookin '  at  the  door  and  then  at  me  and  murmurin ' 
about  what  a  wonderful  guy  I  am  to  let  nothin' 
stand  before  me  when  I  wanna  see  my  wife. 
Fin'ly  I  says: 

"You  act  like  this  was  the  first  time  you  knew 
I  was  tryin'  to  square  myself  with  you.  Why  I 
been  sendin'  you  notes  by  the  way  of  our  maid 
all  week  and  you  wouldn't  even  answer  'em. 
How  do  you  account  for  that?" 

"Ah!"  she  sighs.  "What  then  are  notes? 
Those  are  for  women  to  write.  But  a  man — 
when  he  wants  something  he  takes  it — if  he  is  in 
deed  a  man  !  You  look  so  big  and  so  terrible 
when  you  come — plunk! — through  the  door,  cherie, 
that  Jeanne  is  afraid  she  will — how  you  have  it? — 
fall  in  love  with  you  all  over  again,  nest  ce  pas  ?  " 

Well,  Joe,  I  says  nothin ',  but  for  a  minute  I  was 
thinkin'  it  might  be  a  good  idea  for  me  to  bust  a 
coupla  more  doors  and  some  windows  and  in  that 
way  get  in  solid  for  life,  hey?  Joe,  they  is  a  chance 
that  some  day  I  may  be  able  to  understand  French, 
Greek,  algeometry,  and  the  League  of  Nations, 
but  if  I  live  to  be  a  million  I'll  never  understand 
women — and  there's  that ! 


Then  all  of  a  sudden  I  remembered  the  guy 
which  had  been  there  quaffin'  off  flagons  of  tea 
and  I  stepped  away  from  her,  very  sternly  and 
cold. 

"Where  is  that  boy  friend  of  yours  which  you 
was  entertainm'  here?"  I  says. 

She  looks  puzzled,  Joe. 

"Why "  she  begins,  when  they  is  a  knock  at 

the  door. 

"It  is  I,  Marie,"  says  the  maid  from  the  other 
side  of  it,  "Mister  Carstairs  is  here." 

Like  the  flash  I  remembered  that  was  the  name 
of  the  guy  which  had  been  havin'  the  tea.  I 
gently  pushed  Jeanne  to  the  one  side  and  started' 
takin'  off  my  coat.  Jeanne  looks  at  me  like  she 
thinks  I  have  gone  crazy  or  the  like. 

"  Send  him  in ! "  I  hollers,  in  a  voice  which  would 
of  quailed  Jack  Dempsey.  I  am  set  to  let  this  guy 
have  it  the  minute  he  steps  over  my  threshold, 
Joe. 

Well,  the  door  opens  and  a  gay  young  dog  of 
about  seventy,  hobbles  into  the  room.  He 
looks  from  me  to  Jeanne  and  then  he  says: 

"You'll  pardon  me,  Mrs.  Harmon,  for  disturb 
ing  you  again,  but  I  believe  I  left  my  Roget's 
Thesaurus  here." 

Jeanne  picks  up  a  book  from  the  table  and  hands 
it  to  him. 


184     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"I  was  about  to  send  the  maid  after  you  with 
it,"  she  smiles,  "Professor  Carstairs,  this  is  my 
husband." 

Joe,  you  could  of  knocked  me  over  with  a  gasp ! 
I  am  standin '  there  lookin '  like  a  dizzy  simp  with 
my  coat  half  off  and  etc.  and  this  old  guy  must  of 
thought  Jeanne  picked  out  a  fine  hick  for  herself 
when  she  drawed  me.  I  remember  shakin'  his 
hand  like  in  a  trance  and  him  givin'  me  a  queer 
look  and  bowin'  himself  out. 

"Who  the — what — who's  that  guy?"  I  says, 
when  he  had  bio  wed. 

"You  have  not  see  him  before?"  says  Jeanne, 
raisin*  her  eyebrows.  "That  is  Professor  Car- 
stairs,  of  the  college.  He  is  my  English  teacher. 
I  have  my  lesson  to-day  and  then  I  make  him  stay 
for  tea — he  is  such  a  nice  old  gentleman  and  it  is  so 
cold  outdoors.  But  Edouard — why  do  you  act  so 
strange  when  you  hear  his  name  before  he  come 
in?" 

Joe,  I  am  busy  moppin '  off  my  fever  brow  with  a 
handkerchief. 

"I — I  thought  he  was  a  guy  I  knew,"  I  says, 
puttin'  my  arms  around  her.  "Jeanne — I  guess 
I'm  just  a  big  boob  and  I'll  always  be  one!  I  had 
you  figured  all  wrong  to-day,  never  mind  askin' 
me  to  explain — let's  forget  about  it.  I'm  sorry 
for  what  I've  done  and  you  ain't  ever  gonna  get 


away  from  me  for  no  week  no  more.  I'll  try  not  to 
make  no  more  bone  plays  like  in  the  days  of  yore 
and  I'll  keep  right  on  studyin'  this  here  grammar 
thing,  but  I  want  you  to  do  somethin'  for  me." 

"What  is  it,  cherie  ?"  she  says,  kissin'  me. 

"Well,"  I  says.  "You  gotta  cut  out  these  here 
parties  and  dances.  That's  what  caused  all  the 
trouble  between  us  and  this  continual  dress  suit 
stuff  has  gotta  go!  I  don't  want  'em  up  here  and 
I  don't  wanna  go  to  their  places.  This  ain't 
Carnegie  Hall,  it's  my  home  and  I  wanna  come  in 
here  once  in  awhile,  without  havin'  to  be  an 
nounced,  get  me?  We  ain't  neither  the  Vander- 
bilts  or  even  the  Astors  and  as  far  as  I'm  con 
cerned,  this  society  thing  runs  for  the  end  book. 
They's  scarcely  a  night  we  ain't  rushin '  off  some- 
wheres  and  when  we  was  first  wed  and  didn't  have 
a  nickel,  you  was  tickled  silly  to  wile  away  the 
evenin'  with  me.  It's  gotta  stop,  Jeanne!  Now 
I  have  gave  up  a  lot  for  you,  won't  you  give  this 
up  for  me?" 

She  thinks  a  minute,  Joe. 

"  Tres  bien  /"  she  says  fin'ly.  "It  shall  be  as 
you  wish.  I  had  thought  to  have  just  the  few 
guests — say  fifteen  or  twenty — here  next  Tuesday 
night  and  then  there  was  Mrs.  Worthley's  mas 
querade  and — but,  viola  ! — if  you  do  not  like  it, 
it  shall  not  be!  I  had  mv  blue  silk  Poiret  altered, 


186     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

too,'*  she  winds  up  kinda  sad,  "but  you  come  first 
always!'* 

"  That's  the  girl ! "  I  says.  "  Why  I'm  so  sick  of 
climbin'  into  a  dress  suit  that '* 

Joe,  just  then  the  'phone  rings  and  Jeanne 
answers  it.  They  is  a  series  of  yes  and  noes  and 
certainments  and  charmants.  Then  Jeanne  hangs 
up  the  receiver  and  runs  to  me  all  excited. 

"Quick!"  she  says.  "You  have  just  the  bare 
time  to  shave.  I'll  have  Marie  press  your  even 
ing  clothes  while  you're  shaving.  We  have  been 
invite  to  Mrs.  Carrington  De  Ray's  dinner  dance 
and  you  must  make  beaucoup  hurry!" 
Yours  truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (A  Innocently 
Victim  of  Love). 


CHAPTER  VII 

A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES 

SEVENTH  INNING 

Out  in  Lovely  California. 
Carissima  JOE  :  (Whatever  that  is !) 

Well,  Joe,  here  I  am  prowlin'  around  in  no  less 
than  the  state  which  kept  manys  the  inovie  actor 
out  of  the  poorhouse  and  likewise  kept  Charles 
E.  Hughes  out  of  the  White  House.  By  the  latter, 
Joe,  I  am  speakin'  of  the  fact  that  California  was 
the  final  state  to  ratify  Wilson  at  the  last  election 
we  had  to  see  who  would  be  the  victim  of  the 
pranks  of  Congress  for  a  period  of  four  years. 
But  leavin'  politics  to  the  one  side,  Joe,  this  is  a 
wonderful  country  out  here  and  the  natives  is  as 
friendly  as  if  they  was  all  runnin '  for  alderman  and 
not  like  in  New  York  where  if  you  ask  a  strange 
guy  what  time  it  is  or  the  etc.,  he  will  say  in  a 
coldly  voice:  "Search  me,  I'm  a  stranger  around 
here  myself!"  and  continue  on  his  way. 

Me  and  Jeanne  is  only  gonna  be  here  for  a 
brief  stay,  or  in  the  other  words,  just  long  enough 
to  make  a  few  heart  renderin'  scenes  for  our 

187 


188     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

first  movin'  picture,  the  title  of  which  is  called 
"Heavens  Above!"  like  I  told  you  in  one  of  my 
many  last  letters.  After  that,  Joe,  we  are  goin' 
down  to  Havana  or  one  of  them  other  So. 
African  joints  and  enjoy  the  pleasures  of  a  vaca 
tion.  I  can't  tell  you  the  exact  post  office  address 
where  we  are  goin'  as  yet,  Joe,  because  naturally 
that  part  of  it  is  up  to  our  maid  and  we  ain't  had 
a  chance  to  talk  it  over  with  her  so  far. 

Well,  I  will  certainly  be  glad  when  areyoplanes 
gets  to  be  more  reasonably  in  price  and  I  will  be 
one  of  the  first  to  buy,  so's  that  when  I  got  an 
other  one  of  them  long  distance  trips  to  make  toot 
sweet  I  will  not  have  to  go  by  way  of  no  railroad 
and  there's  that!  We  squandered  away  the  best 
part  of  a  week  gettin '  out  here,  Joe,  and  I  had  no 
idea  America  was  so  large,  on  account  of  the 
National  League  endin'  at  St.  Looey.  If  Col- 
ombus  really  found  all  of  this  in  1880  or  whatever 
the  exact  date  was,  I  am  forced  to  say  that  as 
a  discoverer  this  guy  was  beaucoup.  I'll  bet  he 
could  of  even  discovered  why  China  should  be 
wildly  in  love  with  the  League  of  Nations, hey,  Joe? 

But  at  that  they  is  nothin'  like  travel  to  im 
prove  the  mind  and  strengthen  the  education. 
For  instance,  on  account  of  us  Americans  goin' 
across  whilst  the  war  was  bein'  had,  Joe,  the 
Germans  found  out  more  about  the  U.  S.  than 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  189 

they  ever  would  of  got  out  of  any  books  and  the 
etc.  and  I  bet  that  the  kaiser  has  wished  manys 
the  time  he  had  read  up  on  what  we  done  in  1776, 
1812  and  1898,  instead  of  wilin'  away  the  time 
figurin'  how  many  Germans  had  took  up  life  in 
America  durin'  a  given  period  of  ten  years,  hey? 
And  on  the  other  hands,  Joe,  the  trip  done  us 
Americans  a  lotta  good  likewise.  For  the  example 
let  us  take,  viz,  manys  the  doughboy  and  leather 
neck  had  the  idea  they  was  at  the  least  as  many 
words  in  the  German's  language  as  they  is  in  ours. 
Well,  you  can  see  at  the  glance  how  ridiculous 
that  turned  out  to  be.  Instead  of  a  coupla  million 
nouns,  verbs,  adjectives  and  the  like,  we  made  the 
sensational  discovery  that  the  German's  language 
consisted  of  only  one  word  and  that  was  "Kame- 
rad !"  which  is  spoke  with  both  arms  extended 
upwards  and  I  trust  the  college  professors  will  see 
this  and  not  go  on  teachin'  "Guten  morgan,  mine 
herrin*  /"  and  the  etc.,  which  turned  out  to  be  of 
no  use  to  us  durin '  the  time  we  was  the  Germans ' 
guests  at  war. 

But  to  get  away  from  the  war,  as  the  kaiser 
says,  I  don't  want  no  more  of  them  long  distance 
railroad  jaunts  in  mine  and  after  a  half  hour  on 
the  board  of  a  train  I  have  got  enough  railroadin ' 
to  do  me  for  the  rest  of  my  life.  Joe,  it  gets 
terribly  monotony  gazin'  out  the  window  at  the 


190     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

United  States  bein'  whirled  by  with  the  break 
your  neck  speed  hours  after  hours  and  the  Ethey- 
opiura  decoy  for  the  dinin'  room  comin'  through 
from  the  time  to  time  remarkin'  "Last  calls  for 
dinner!"  and  travellin'  salesmen  havin'  a  lyin'  bee 
with  each  other  about'orders  they  have  just  took, 
which  if  half  the  amount  they  name  was  true  they 
would  have  J.  P.  Morgan  and  his  boy  friends 
lookin '  like  worthy  candidates  for  the  almshouse. 
Then  too,  Joe,  they  is  always  the  guy  which  havin ' 
failed  to  draw  any  damagin'  testimony  from  you 
by  askin'  what  is  your  line,  politics,  religion, 
favorite  ice  cream  soda  and  the  etc.,  plays  his  ace 
by  sayin'  have  you  ever  been  through  this  part 
of  the  country  before?  Well,  Joe,  if  you  say  no, 
you  immediately  get  treated  to  a  illustrated  lecture 
without  the  pictures,  until  you  feel  like  the  guy 
which  havin '  took  a  coupla  hours  punishment  from 
one  of  them  self  confessed  globe  trotters,  butts  in 
on  his  tormentor  by  askin'  if  the  former  ever  en 
joyed  delerium  tremens  and  when  the  guy  says  he 
ain't,  his  victim  hollers:  "Then  shut  up.  You 
ain't  seen  notkin'  and  you  ain't  been  nowheres  /" 

Well,  Joe,  by  the  second  day  of  the  voyage  I 
have  talked  over  every  subject  in  the  world  with 
Jeanne  and  like  Wilson  and  Congress  we  agreed  on 
nothin '  and  I  have  read  the  timetable  over  'til  at 
the  drop  of  the  hats  I  could  rise  up  and  sing  it, 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  191 

not  that  nobody  asked  me  to.  So  the  next  thing 
I  begin  to  get  as  nervous  and  restlessly  as  St. 
Vitus.  Well,  Jeanne  looks  me  over  for  awhile 
and  claims  I  am  gettin'  her  goat  by  jumpin'  up 
and  down  in  the  seat  all  the  time  and  why  don't 
I  go  out  in  the  smoker  with  the  men  where  no 
doubt  I  would  be  more  at  home  and  the  etc.  I 
have  never  denied  Jeanne  nothin',  Joe,  since  we 
have  been~  a  man  and  a  wife  and  if  she  desired  a 
change  of  scenery  like  she  plainly  hinted,  they  was 
nothin'  left  for  me  to  do  but  see  that  she  got  the 
same,  hey?  Well,  as  I  am  takin'  my  leave  of  the 
seat,  Jeanne  says  I  had  better  wear  my  hat  with 
me  and  I  says  how  can  I  when  our  tickets  is  stickin* 
in  the  hat  band  and  suppose  the  conductor  should 
make  his  daily  rounds  whilst  I  am  gone?  Joe, 
Jeanne  gimme  a  sarcastical  grin  and  says  is  they 
anything  to  stop  me  from  takin'  the  tickets  outa 
the  hat  and  givin'  'em  to  her  and  a  elderly  lady 
in  the  seat  behind  let  forth  a  snicker  and  runed  my 
exit.  Anyways,  I  hung  on  to  the  timetable,  Joe, 
so's  I  could  check  up  on  the  towns  which  we  was 
supposed  to  pass  through  and  see  that  the  rail 
road  people  didn't  hold  none  of  'em  out  on  me. 
You  know  what  them  millionaires  is,  hey,  Joe? 

Well,  I  went  out  to  the  smokin'  room  of  this 
Pullman's  car  which  was  named  by  the  guy  which 
has  charge  of  christenin '  all  the  apartment  houses, 


192     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

hotels,  ocean's  liners  and  collars,  it  bein '  called  the 
"Ordopolis"  or  words  to  that  effect  and  they  was 
four  guys  sittin'  there  quiet  and  gloomy  havin' 
evidently  lied  themselves  sick.  Joe,  the  ground 
and  lofty  lies  which  is  gave  birth  to  in  the  smokin ' 
room  of  a  train  or  a  ship  would  make  Annie  Nias 
seem  like  George  Washington.  I  don't  know  what 
does  it,  but  it  seems  that  the  minute  a  normally 
truthful  voter  lays  back  in  them  cushions  with 
somethin '  in  the  smokin '  line  in  his  mouth  and  a 
strange  victim  sittin'  opposite,  he  immediately 
begins  to  reel  off  adventures  he  has  partaken  of 
and  etc.,  which  if  they  was  only  one  half  of  one 
per  cent,  true  would  have  Robinson  &  Crusoe, 
Davy  Crockett  and  Gen.  Custer  lookin'  like 
white-liver  stay  at  homes.  The  minute  he  gets 
out  into  the  fresh  air  he  becomes  honestly  and 
trustworthy  again,  but  whilst  he's  in  that  smokin' 
room  I'll  say  he  swings  a  mean  tongue! 

Joe,  these  four  babies  which  has  no  doubt  run  a 
dead  heat  for  the  chatter  championship  of  the 
world,  looks  up  at  me  kinda  hopeful  when  I 
darken  the  threshold  with  my'  presence,  because 
here  was  some  new  material  to  work  on  and  the 
guy  I  sit  next  to  is  determined  he  ain't  gonna  be 
left  flat  footed  at  the  post. 

"Goin'  far?"  he  says,  with  the  unmistakably 
train  liar's  glitter  in  his  eyes. 


"'No,'  I  says,  'I  ain't  Douglas  Fairbanks.  I'm  Mary 
Pickford.  I  checked  my  curls  in  the  baggage  car  no 
more  than  I  got  on  the  train.' ' 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  193 

"Well,"  I  says,  "I  guess  Peary's  mark  will  still 
be  standin'  when  I  get  through.  I'm  checked  to 
Los  Angeles." 

"Umph!"  he  says,  chewin'  away  on  his  cigar; 
"Great  country  that — great  country!  Ever  been 
out  there  before?" 

"Nope!"  I  says.  "But  I  ain't  worryin'  about 
that  part  of  it.  I'll  take  a  chance  that  the  en 
gineer  will  find  the  burg  all  right.  He  ain't  missed 
a  town  so  far." 

"Ha,  ha!"  he  says.  "That's  good!"  He 
looks  me  up  and  down  with  the  greatest  of 
care,  Joe,  and  the  other  three  guys  does  the  like 
wise. 

"Travellin'  man?"  says  the  first  guy,  whilst 
the  three-man  jury  leans  forward  to  hear  my  con 
fession. 

"As  a  matter  of  fact,  I'm  a  actor,"  I  says,  with 
a  cheerfully  grin. 

He  gimme  another  careful  inspection  and  then 
he  says. 

"Well,  you  don't  look  it!" 

"I  ain't  tryin'  to!"  I  admits  and  devotes  the 
rest  of  my  attention  to  the  timetable. 

One  of  the  other  guys  released  a  snicker,  but  this 
baby  was  game! 

"Vaudeville?"  he  says. 

"That'll  come  later,"  I  says,  my  goat  com- 


194     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

mencin'  to  rear  and  prance  under  this  here  civil 
service  examination.  "Right  now  I'm  a  movin' 
picture  addict." 

"Well,  well,  well!"  exclaims  this  guy,  sittin' 
back  and  gazin'  at  me  with  open  admiration,  "I 
thought  you  had  a  kinda  familiar  look.  You're 
not  Douglas  Fairbanks  by  any  chance,  are  you?" 

Joe,  that  was  about  all  I  could  take.  I  figured 
in  another  minute  this  guy  would  ask  me  if  I  had 
any  letters  on  me  I  could  let  him  read  to  wile  away 
the  time! 

"No,"  I  says.  "I  ain't  Douglas  Fairbanks — 
I'm  Mary  Pickford.  I  checked  my  curls  in  the 
baggage  car  no  more  than  I  got  on  the  train!" 

At  that,  Joe,  the  other  three  guys  bust  out  in 
hysterically  laughter  and  this  baby  laid  off. 

One  of  the  other  pests  immediately  leans  over  to 
me. 

"Now  this  here  League  of  Nations  is "  he 

begins. 

"I  don't  wanna  hear  no  off  color  stories!"  I 
shuts  him  off  with  a  wave  of  the  hand. 

Two  down! 

Boob  number  three  is  next. 

"My  name's  Hawkins,"  he  says,  movin'  over 
and  presentin '  me  with  what  he  no  doubt  thought 
was  a  pleasant  grin,  "I'm  with  Rabinowitz  & 
O'Reilly  of  Chicago,  the  big  putty  concern.  I 


195 

cleaned  up  back  in  Denver — sold  a  total  of  a 
hundred  thousand  dollars'  worth!" 

"Then  they  ain't  no  more  putty  left  in  the  world, 
if  that's  true ! "  I  says. 

"Ha,  ha!"  he  giggles.  "Say — where  have  I 
seen  you  before,  hey?" 

"I  give  it  up!"  I  remarks,  with  a  long  drawed 
out  yawn.  "Maybe  it  was  in  east  Arabia,  or  the 
etc." 

"Like  as  not,"  he  says,  noddin*  his  head. 
Then  he  tries  his  hand  at  a  new  one.  "Say 
—can  you  imagine  this  whole  country  goin'  dry?" 

"You  don't  have  to  bother  with  imaginin'  it  no 
more,"  I  says.  "It  is  /" 

"A  infernal  outrage!"  he  hollers,  warmin'  up 
to  his  work  and  glancin'  around  at  the  other  in 
nocent  by  sitters.  "What  right  has  them  bums 
got  to  tell  me  what  I  can  drink?" 

"They  ain't  tellin'  you  what  you  can  drink,"  I 
corrects  him.  "They're  tellin'  you  what  you 
can't  drink!" 

"Well,  it's  the  same  thing!"  he  bellers,  bangin' 
his  fist  on  his  knee  and  glarin'  wildly  around. 
"How  dare  them  fatheads  in  Washington  take 
away  my  personal  liberties  like  I  was  a  three- 
months  old  young  infant?  They  call  this  the 
Land  of  the  Free,  hey?  Why  I— 

"When  they  called  it  the  Land  of  the  Free," 


I  says,  "they  was  no  doubt  speakin'  of  advice  and 
air.  But  they's  one  thing  them  guys  has  done 
which  I  give  'em  credit  for — it  ain't  gonna  be  the 
Land  of  the  Spree  and  the  Home  of  the  Rave  no 
more,  anyways!" 

"Ha!"  he  snorts.  "So  you're  one  of  them 
prohibitionists,  hey?" 

"  Stop  kiddin '  me ! "  I  says.  "  What  I  really  am 
is  a  American.  I  ain't  gonna  commit  myself  as  to 
whether  I  think  nationally  prohibition  is  O.  K.  or 
the  otherwise,  but  I'll  say  that  as  long  as  it's  a 
U.  S.  made  law  I'm  gonna  hold  by  it  and " 

"I  gotta  tip  that  Wilson  is  gonna  call  the  whole 
thing  off  any  day  now!"  butts  in  another  guy. 

"We  won  the  war  with  booze,  didn't  we?" 
yells  Hawkins,  the  sensation  of  the  putty  industry. 

"Where  d'ye  get  that  we  stuff?"  I  says.  "On 
the  level  now,  the  nearest  you  come  to  the  war  was 
when  you  clipped  your  first  Liberty  Bond  coupons, 
wasn't  it?" 

"I  gotta  weak  heart,"  he  says,  very  dignified. 
"Or  I  would- 

"Then  you  oughta  be  glad  you  can't  get  no 
booze, "  I  butts  in.  "A  good  drunk  would  prob'ly 
bump  you  off!" 

"I  never  was  drunk  in  my  life!"  he  bawls. 
"I'm  a  respectable  citizen,  a  taxpayer  and  I  don't 
owe  no  man  a  nickel.  For  more  than  ten  years 


197 

I've  taken  a  coupla  shots  a  day,  has  it  hurt  me? 
No!  I  never  have  sang  no  ribald  songs  and  I  got 
my  first  gutter  to  roll  in  as  a  result  of  partakin' 
now  and  again  and  yet  they  ain't  a  day  that  I 
haven't  had  my  little  jolt.  D'ye  think  I'm  gonna 
let  a  bunch  of  simps  tell  me  I  can't  have  a  drink? 
I  should  say  not!" 

"  Well, "  I  says.  "  All  I  can  say  is  that  you  have 
taken  on  a  large  contract  when  you  are  gettin' 
ready  to  defy  the  dear  old  U.  S.  A.  If  Germany 
couldn't  lick  America,  where  do  you  get  off?" 

"As  long  as  they  make  it  I'll  get  it!"  he  hollers, 
caperin'  about. 

"I  hear  if  you  take  three  raisins,  a  bottle  of 
grape  juice  and  a  cake  of  yeast,"  butts  in  another 
guy.  "You  can— 

The  fourth  guy  which  is  sittin'  in  a  corner  and 
ain't  said  a  word  up  to  thus  far,  yanks  out  a  card 
and  a  pencil. 

"How  many  raisins  is  that  again?"  he  says. 

Joe,  I  hadda  laugh  at  'em  all  takin'  down  this 
guy's  prescription  and  it  must  be  tough  to  be  a 
slave  to  Jack  Barleycorn,  hey?  The  bird  with  the 
distiller's  secret  asked  me  if  I  wanted  the  loan  of  a 
pencil  and  I  says  no  in  a  rather  contemptuously 
manner.  I  wouldn't  lower  myself  openin'  a  still 
in  my  own  home  and  besides  I  have  tried  that  stuff 
and  it's  rotten. 


198     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Well,  Joe,  then  this  Hawkins  guy  looks  all 
around  the  car  kinda  mysterious  and  winks  at  us 
one  and  all  and  says  would  anybody  like  a  slight 
swaller.  Lickin'  of  lips  become  general  and  when 
Hawkins  suddenly  pulls  out  a  flask  from  his  hip 
pocket  you  could  hear  them  guys '  thirsts  beatin ' 
like  a  torn  torn.  Even  the  silent  guy  in  the  cor 
ner  flicked  a  mean  eyelash,  Joe.  Well,  the  flask 
was  passed  around  whilst  Hawkins  says  it's  only  a 
pint  and  he  hadda  pay  six  berries  for  it,  whereas 
in  the  old  days  before  we  become  a  desert  six 
dollars*  worth  of  booze  would  be  enough  to  float 
a  yacht  in.  He  hands  the  flask  of  this  here  for 
bidden  fruit  to  the  first  guy  and  says  to  hurry  up 
and  kill  one  quick  before  the  conductor  comes  in 
or  he's  liable  to  get  pinched  and  gave  about  42 
years  for  bein'  found  with  the  demon's  rum  on 
him.  From  the  longin'  look  on  this  other  baby's 
face,  Joe,  you  could  see  that  they  was  little  or  no 
need  to  tell  him  to  hurry  and  get  that  drink.  It 
took  about  a  eighth  of  a  second  to  hand  him  the 
flask,  yet  he  nearly  died  of  impatience. 

"Well,  here's  a  go!"  he  says  and  the  next 
second  he  has  leaped  a  coupla  feet  in  the  air  and  is 
coughin'  and  splutterin'  all  over  the  place. 
"Wow!"  he  chokes  out.  "What  the— Hey,  what 
is  that  stuff — ammonia?" 

"It's  very  high  proof — must  be   all   of   110," 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  199 

says  the  proud  owner,  whilst  the  next  guy  is  goin ' 
astray.  "Of  course,  what  you  get  nowadays 
ain't  up  to  the  old  stuff.  You're  in  luck  if  you  can 
get  anything  sneaked  to  you  at  all.  I  suppose 
maybe  there  is  some  prune  juice  in  it  for  colorm  V 

"Prune  juice,  hey?"  says  the  second  guy 
handin'  back  the  flask  with  his  face  all  screwed 
up  in  a  knot.  "They  may  have  started  it  off  with 
prune  juice,  but  that  ain't  the  half  of  it.  I  know 
now  why  they  call  it  bootleg  licker.  It's  because 
it's  prob'ly  made  outa  castaway  boots.  The  guy 
which  throwed  that  mess  together  oughta  be  took 
out  and  shot.  I'm  cured!" 

The  flask  was  handed  to  the  quiet  guy  in  the 
corner  which  took  a  whiff  of  it  first,  let  forth  a 
sigh  and  tied  in.  After  what  seemed  like  a  week  he 
come  up  for  air.  Joe,  he  was  gaspin'  for  his  breath 
like  a  fresh  caught  flounder,  his  eyes  was  rollin' 
around  kinda  wild  and  his  face  was  as  red  as  a  four- 
alarm  fire.  He  tried  about  five  times  to  say  some- 
thin',  but  they  was  nothin'  stirrin'.  I  commenced 
to  get  kinda  alarmed,  Joe,  because  this  guy  acted 
like  he  had  just  quaffed  off  a  swallow  of  carbolic 
and  I  was  thinkin'  I  would  no  doubt  be  held  as  a 
witness,  when  fin'ly  he  hands  me  over  the  flask. 

"Whoosh!"  he  pants,  shakin'  his  head  kinda 
dazed.  "That's  the  best  whiskey  I  ever  tasted!" 

The  other  guys  laughed  and  Hawkins  says  for 


200     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

me  to  go  light,  because  that's  all  he's  got  and  he 
don't  know  when  he'll  be  able  to  dig  up  some  more 
and  whilst  on  the  subject  not  to  forget  that  the 
pint  had  set  him  back  six  bucks.  Well,  Joe,  I 
took  hold  of  this  molten  gold  outa  purely  curi 
osity.  You  know  that  I  never  at  no  time  was  no 
bar  fly,  bein'  content  with  a  trifle  beer  or  ale  from 
the  time  to  time  which  any  saloonkeeper  will  tell 
you  is  good  for  the  health,  but  you  also  know  that 
they  ain't  no  human  bein'  which  don't  relish  some- 
thin'  they  been  told  they  can't  have.  It  started 
off  with  Eve,  which  prob'ly  wouldn't  of  give  that 
eggplant,  or  mushmelon,  or  apple  or  whatever  it 
really  was,  a  second  glance  if  she  hadn't  of  been 
laid  off  of  it — get  me?  And  then  again  it  would  be 
very  unsociably  for  me  to  not  take  no  drink  when 
all  the  rest  of  'em  had  and  besides  I  was  so  nervous 
from  that  day  in  and  day  out  ridin'  on  the  train 
that  I  felt  a  slightly  stimulant  would  do  me  good. 

So  the  result  was,  Joe,  that  I  took  eight  or 
prob'ly  nine  drops  of  this  here  booze  which  went 
into  my  stomach  about  as  courteously  and  polite 
as  the  Germans  went  through  Belgium  and  it  was 
three  minutes  in  round  numbers  before  I  could 
even  talk.  Sweet  Cookie — if  that's  the  kinda 
stuff  which  is  bein'  sneaked  around  now,  I'm  off 
for  life!  I  would  much  rather  gulp  down  a  seidel 
of  carbolic  which  is  cheaper  and  quicker.  If  this 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  201 

Hawkins  guy  sent  in  six  bucks  for  that  pint  of 
paris  green  he  paid  about  60  cents  a  drink  for  it, 
hadda  humiliate  himself  and  act  like  a  hophead 
tryin'  to  get  dope  when  he  bought  it  and  with  eacii 
swaller  he  took  about  24  hours  off  his  life.  And 
yet  them  guys  which  simply  got  to  have  it,  think 
they're  puttin*  somethin'  over.  Well,  they  are, 
Joe,  on  themselves  I 

Before  leavin'  the  smoker,  Joe,  I  stopped  be 
side  the  seat  of  the  quiet  guy  which  was  all  by 
himself  in  a  corner  and  still  lookin'  like  he  was  in  a 
trance  from  that  drink  he  took.  He  was  mumblin' 
to  himself  and  I  felt  kinda  worried  about  him. 

"Are  you  a  travellin'  salesman  too? "     I  says. 

"Heh — oh,  sure!"  he  says,  with  a  kinda  wild 
look  in  his  eye.  "Oh  my  yes.  Absotively!  I 
cover  Arizona,  Colorado  and  Wyoming.  Oh  yes ! " 

"What  are  you  sellin'?"  I  says. 

"Lighthouses!"  he  snarls. 

With  that  I  beat  it,  Joe. 

Yours  Truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (The  new  Mary 
Pickford). 

On  the  Enroute  back  to  N.  Y. 
FRIEND  JOE: 

Well,  here  I  am  bein'  wafted  back  again  to  my 
delicious  country's  estate  on  the  banks  of  the 


202     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Hudson  far  away.  We  have  got  the  movin' 
picture,  viz  and  to  the  ie,  "Heavens  Above!"  all 
made  and  it  come  out  fine,  Joe.  When  you  stop  to 
consider  that  I  have  never  been  no  actor  before 
you  will  get  a  faint  idea  of  how  unusually  wonder 
ful  it  was  for  me  to  get  away  with  the  thing  like  a 
battle  scarred  old  experienced  veteran  of  the 
screens  and  Jeanne  come  off  with  the  flyin'  colors 
likewise.  Joe,  I  feel  surely  that  Jeanne  is  gonna 
turn  out  to  be  a  great  favorite  with  the  movie 
fans,  especially  as  from  now  on  all  the  pictures  she 
appears  in  will  be  made  with  no  less  than  me  takin' 
off  the  part  of  the  dashin'  young  hero.  I  have  got 
a  good  mind  to  write  all  the  pictures  myself  for  the 
future  also,  Joe,  and  in  that  way  we  could  save  the 
expenses  of  havin'  to  pay  them  sceneryaro  com 
posers  which  in  these  days  is  gettin'  prices  for  their 
wares  that  makes  it  look  like  anybody  which 
works  with  his  head  for  a  livin'  is  a  sucker.  They 
is  no  doubt  that  I  could  write  as  good  a  movie  as 
the  next  one  if  I  tried  my  hand  at  it,  Joe,  because  I 
have  got  several  drops  of  author's  blood  in  me  on 
account  of  once  bein*  related  to  a  cousin  which 
was  a  professional  writer.  Of  course,  I  admit  he 
was  a  bookkeeper,  but  still  and  all  it  shows  that  I 
oughta  be  able  to  fling  a  mean  pen  myself  as  blood 
will  tell,  hey,  Joe? 

Well,  speakin'  of  the  art  of  writin',  Joe,  I  have 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES          203 

already  busted  into  the  song  writin*  game  as  a  side 
line  and  am  now  considerin'  a  proposition  I  have 
made  to  myself  to  tear  off  a  six  or  seven  act  play 
some  night  when  I  got  a  hour  or  so  to  spare. 
Then  no  doubt  I  will  tie  right  into  paintin', 
classically  singin'  and  the  etc.,  as  a  man  with  the 
talents  nature  has  made  me  a  present  of  would  be 
nothin*  less  than  the  height  of  selfishness  if  he 
kept  them  to  himself. 

The  song  I  have  wrote,  Joe,  is  known  by  the 
title  of  the  followin',  "I  Cannot  Wed  a  Guy  Which 
Has  No  .Lovers'  Union  Card!"  It  goes  like  thus: 

A  couple  of  young  gently  lovers 

Was  softly  sittin'  on  a  bench 

Whilst  honest  workin'  men  rolled  by  in  limousines. 

The  girl  glared  at  her  steady,  a  shabby  millionaire 

And  as  the  moon  begin  to  sink,  her  sweet  voice  tore  the  air, 

CHORUS: 

I  been  wild  about  you  Adolph,  eight  hours  every  day, 

Which  is  all  the  sweethearts'  union  will  allow. 

I'd  like  to  grant  your  slight  request  and  join  you  as  your 

wife, 

But  I'd  be  afraid  I'd  have  to  bust  my  vow. 
For  as  you  was  about  to  kiss  me  they  might  call  me  out  on 

strike, 

So  go  and  join  a  Local  and  I'll  do  as  you  like. 
I  got  nothin'  else  against  you  and  I  know  this  must  be  hard, 
But  I  cannot  wed  a  guy  which  has  no  lovers'  union  card! 


204     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Well,  there's  that,  Joe,  and  I  am  workin*  on 
extry  verses  now  as  you  can  see  that  it  is  not  only  a 
remarkable  piece  of  poetry,  but  is  likewise  boilin' 
over  with  sentiment  and  is  as  timely  as  snow  at 
Christmas.  You  know  they  is  all  kinds  of  unions 
'now  and  strikes  is  as  plentiful  as  blondes  with 
light  hair,  so  I  have  no  doubt  that  this  song  will 
soon  be  sweepin'  the  country  and  should  net  me  a 
plumber's  ransom  in  the  royalties. 

I  read  it  to  the  guy  which  directed  our  movin* 
picture,  Joe,  and  he  hadn't  the  slightest  hesita 
tion  in  awardin'  it  the  brown  derby  as  a  song.  He 
is  a  guy  which  ain't  easy  affected,  yet  still  and  all 
he  was  completely  overcame  with  the  emotion  and 
made  me  read  it  about  twenty-five  times  on  ac 
count  of  the  sad  story  of  thwarted  love  which  it 
tells.  After  awhile,  Joe,  he  wipes  his  eyes  and 
asks  me  what  is  the  tune  of  it  and  I  says  that's 
right  I  had  absolutely  forgot  that  in  order  to  make 
a  song  you  have  got  to  have  a  trifle  music  besides 
the  words.  Well,  Joe,  he  says  never  mind,  I 
could  no  doubt  have  it  set  to  the  air  of  the  "Star 
Spangelled  Banner"  which  would  give  it  a  patriotic 
punch  and  would  also  at  the  least  make  everybody 
stand  up  and  remove  their  hats  whilst  they  was 
hearin'  it.  But  I  says  no,  I  would  rather  have 
some  fresh,  new  tune  wrote  for  it  and  I  will  send  a 
copy  to  Irvin  S.  Berlin  and  ask  him  to  do  his  best 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES          205 

with  a  good,  snappy  air  and  I  will  divide  the  loot 
we  get  outa  it  on  a  even  basis  of  90-10  and  ten 
percent,  of  what  this  ballad  will  make  should  at 
least  get  him  a  coupla  hundred  thousand  for  his 
bit.  Well,  Joe,  the  director  says  that  guy  wouldst 
only  jazz  it  to  death  and  what  I  should  try  to  do 
for  a  knockout  song  like  I  have  wrote  is  to  get  lined 
up  with  either  Mendellsohn,  Beethoven  or  a  bird 
called  Gounoud.  So,  Joe,  I  wish  you  wouldst 
look  them  babies  up  in  the  'phone  book  whilst  you 
are  in  New  York  and  give  them  the  dope  on  this 
for  me  and  the  minute  I  land  I  will  prob'ly  no 
doubt  sign  one  of  'em  up,  provided  they  don't  de 
mand  too  much  sugar  for  the  few  minutes'  work 
they  wouldst  have  to  do  on  this  song,  which  once 
it's  let  forth  will  make  them  known  the  country 
over. 

Well,  Joe,  just  to  show  you  what  the  average 
wife  is  after  the  hypnotism  of  honeymoonin'  has 
passed  away,  I  read  this  here  masterpiece  to  Jeanne, 
naturally  thinkin'  that  once  she  heard  it  she  would 
fall  on  the  top  of  my  neck  and  holler  that  I  was  a 
genus.  It  was  far  be  it  from  such,  Joe.  When  I 
got  all  through  she  wiggles  her  shoulders  coldly, 
makes  what  the  French  calls  a  little  moo  with  her 
mouth  and  says  Ciel  I  she  can't  understand  why  it 
is  that  my  English  fails  to  respond  to  all  the 
treatment  it's  had  from  them  professors  and  the 


206     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

etc.  When  I  could  get  my  breath  back  I  says  in  a 
deadly  voice  don't  she  like  it  and  she  says  in 
stantly  Mais  non  !  she  thinks  it  is  inclined  to  be 
silly  and  if  I  will  get  my  Third  Reader  out  she  will 
try  me  on  some  verbs,  adjectives,  and  the  etc.,  in 
the  effort  to  get  us  to  the  point  so  that  when  we 
squander  away  time  by  talkin'  to  each  other  she 
can  at  the  least  understand  what  I  am  talkin' 
about. 

For  a  moment  I  was  practically  dumfounded, 
Joe,  to  think  that  my  own  wife  should  develope 
such  little  interest  in  "I  Cannot  Wed  A  Guy 
Which  Has  No  Lovers'  Union  Card!",  the  song 
which  will  prob'ly  no  doubt  rock  the  world  once  it  is 
turned  loose  and  take  its  proper  place  amongst 
such  riots  as  "The  Battle  Hymn  of  the  Republi 
cans"  and  "God  Help  The  King"  etc.  Well,  I 
was  afraid  to  say  anything  whilst  in  the  grip  of  the 
wildly  rage  she  had  throwed  me  into,  because  you 
know  what  a  terrible  temper  I  got,  Joe,  and  no 
gentleman  ever  insults  his  own  wife  no  matter  how 
temptin'  is  the  opportunity.  So  with  a  shruggin* 
of  the  shoulder  and  a  bow  which  Jeanne  taught  me 
herself  for  use  at  her  parties,  I  roamed  away  from 
there  and  went  into  the  club's  car  of  the  train  to 
write  this  letter  which  should  reach  you,  Joe,  by 
the  time  you're  readin'  this. 

Right  here,  Joe,  I  wouldst  like  to  say  a  word  to 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  207 

the  wives  whilst  I  am  feelin'  in  this  mood  of  the 
outrage  husband.  In  the  first  place  let  us  take,  to 
wit,  the  fact  that  whilst  they  is  hundreds  of  stories 
and  the  like  with  the  point  brung  out  strong  that 
beein'  a  wife  is  a  tough  job  and  that  the  bulk  of  the 
male  race  is  fiends  from  below,  they  is  very  few  in 
which  sympathy  for  a  poor,  little  husband  is 
featured.  If  you  look  around,  Joe,  you  will  see 
that  the  names  of  these  plays  and  the  etc.  is  always 
stuff  like,  "Married,  But  Not  Even  A  Wife  Yet" 
and  "What  Devils  Men  Is  After  All"  and  so  on. 
Now  all  .this  here  gives  the  innocent  bystanders  the 
idea  that  once  a  trustin'  young  girl  gets  wed  it's 
the  same  as  if  she  had  became  a  galley's  slave  and 
that  all  the  time  a  husband  ain't  workin'  he  is 
tryin'  to  invent  new  and  demoniac  ways  to  tor 
ment  his  wife.  Joe,  that  is  quite  some  distance 
from  the  truth.  I  know  personalty  of  two  couples 
which  is  happily  wed  and  I  don't  doubt  that  the 
Secret  Service  could  dig  up  a  coupla  more  if  gave 
time  and  clues  and  besides  in  quite  a  few  cases  it  is 
no  less  than  the  gently  wife  which  gums  up  the 
works,  often  innocently  enough  and  without  the 
malice  aforethought.  It  ain't  always  the  big  brawls 
which  makes  divorce  one  of  our  leadin'  pastimes, 
it's  the  little  things  like  a  laugh  or  a  sarcastical 
remark  at  the  wrong  time,  too  much  pep  or  not 
enough,  or  again  a  total  absence  of  interest  in  how 


208     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

friend  husband  is  gettin'  the  dough  which  keeps  the 
laughin'  hyenas  off  the  front  porch  year  in  and 
year  out. 

Whilst  on  this  tantalizin'  subject,  I  wouldst 
further  like  to  say  to  you  this  afternoon,  my 
fellow  citizenesses,  that  husbands  has  a  million 
things  to  worry  about  which  is  spared  the  actin' 
head  of  the  house.  For  the  example,  there  is  the 
one  big  thing  of  how  he  is  gonna  get  his  wages  up 
to  the  point  where  after  the  weekly  bills  is  paid  he 
is  only  a  coupla  hundred  berries  in  the  hole  and 
that  is  some  worry  these  Bullshevik  days,  I'll  tell 
whatever  of  the  world  is  left!  And  then  again, 
wives,  think  of  the  way  that  baby  hustled  for  you 
before  you  was  wed  so's  he  could  make  you  proud  of 
him  and  how  whilst  he  was  doin'  said  hustlin'  you 
pulled  a  lotta  annoyin*  little  things  which  balled 
him  up  and  made  the  hustlin'  tougher  and  you 
know  you  did  that,  because  that's  a  newly  engaged 
candidate  for  a  wife's  way  of  showin'  she  loves 
the  party  of  the  second  part.  So,  wives,  even  if 
the  cook  did  pull  a  vanishin'  act  on  you  in  the 
afternoon,  you  don't  know  what  has  vanished  on 
friend  husband  durin'  the  course  of  the  day,  so  for 
get  it  and  remember  that  the  voice  with  the  grin 
has  never  finished  worse  than  first  yet.  Get  real 
sympathetic  and  interested  in  whatever  his  ideas 
are,  no  matter  how  idiotically  they  sound  to  a 


"Joe,  I  wish  to  state  here  that  gazin'  at  those  two  dames 
in  the  one  room  is  too  much  for  a  weak  heart" 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  209 

intelligent  woman.  Even  if  he  says  he's  got  a 
scheme  to  get  the  steamboat  concession  for  the 
Sahara  Desert,  don't  get  sarcastical — tell  him  he's 
a  knockout  and  hustle  on  the  steak,  get  me? 

I  hope  you  wives  won't  get  sore  at  me  for  all  this, 
because  I  am  in  the  reality  one  of  your  strongest 
supporters  and  not  even  Henry  the  8  thought  no 
more  of  the  female  race  than  I  do.  In  fact,  I 
tried  twice  to  get  elected  to  the  Daughters  of  the 
Revolution,  but  it  seems  I  was  black  balled  or  the 
etc. 

But  to  get  back  to  the  point,  Joe,  as  the  lead 
pencil  remarked,  I  will  show  you  a  case  which 
proves  to  what  the  lengths  a  man  will  go  when  he 
is  in  the  love  and  for  this  reason  I  think  a  wive 
should  be  more  lenient,  if  it  can  be  conveniently 
done. 

This  rather  unusually  romance  I  am  about  to  let 
forth,  happened  whilst  me  and  Jeanne  was  out  in 
the  studio  at  California,  the  Land  of  Wonders,  as 
any  railroad  folder  will  tell  you.  About  the 
second  day  I  become  a  inmate  of  the  place,  I 
noticed  that  most  of  the  males  therein  seemed  to 
have  important  business  hi  the  office  about  every 
time  they  could  break  away  from  the  muscle 
wrackin'  task  of  gettin'  their  picture  took.  At 
first  I  naturally  thought,  Joe,  that  they  was  a 
hidden  Rye  mine  out  there  and  after  my  experience 


210     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

with  that  boot's  leg  stuff  on  the  train,  I  am  not  only 
willin*  but  anxious  to  stand  by  the  Constitution, 
so  I  laid  off  folleyin'  the  matter  up.  Well,  when  I 
seen  the  director  himself,  which  is  a  teetotaler, 
go  in  a  coupla  times,  my  curiosity  become  un 
manageable  and  fin'ly  the  first  chance  I  got  I 
boldly  strode  over  to  the  office  to  stake  myself  to  a 
peep.  I  opened  the  door  the  conventional  inch 
and  inserted  a  inquirin'  eye,  Joe. 

Sweet  Papa! 

Joe,  they  was  prob'ly  no  doubt  a  thousand  little 
things  in  that  there  room  to  startle  the  gaze  and 
hold  the  attention,  but  the  only  thing  I  seen  was  a 
girl  sittin'  at  a  typewriter  and  I'll  say  that  machine 
was  the  luckiest  one  in  the  world!  Before  any 
body  could  put  down  on  paper  what  she  looked 
like,  they  would  have  to  excavate  Webster  and  ask 
him  will  he  kindly  add  a  few  thousand  more  words 
to  the  English  language.  To  call  her  a  good 
looker  is  like  admittin'  that  they  is  a  wave  in  the 
Atlantic  Ocean.  She  was  one  of  them  kind  of 
dames,  Joe,  which  when  they  suddenly  appear  be 
fore  the  nude  eye  your  heart  begins  to  make 
frantic  attempts  to  bust  through  your  ribs  and  as 
far  as  your  breath  is  concerned  you  might  as  well 
of  checked  it  with  the  hat  boy.  I  only  seen  two 
like  this  one  so  far  in  my  life  and  the  other  one  is 
wed  to  me,  but  they  can't  lynch  a  guy  for  lookin' 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  211 

and  that's  what  I  was  engaged  in  doin'  when  this 
fathead  director  come  along  and  removes  me  by 
hand  so's  I  can  appear  in  a  important  scene. 

Well,  Joe,  off  and  on  all  afternoon  I  kept  castin' 
a  odd  thought  back  to  that  vision  I  seen  in  the 
office  and  wonderin'  how  a  dame  like  that  which 
would  of  made  Napoleon  forget  about  the  army 
ever  even  got  interested  in  stenography,  when 
Ziegfeld's  Follies  is  only  a  coupla  thousand  miles 
from  the  coast.  Fin'ly  when  I  went  to  look  for 
Jeanne  so's  we  could  go  back  to  our  bunglelow  to 
gether,  I  found  her  in  that  office  talkin*  to  that 
other  girl.  Joe,  I  wish  to  state  here  that  gazin'  at 
them  two  dames  in  the  one  room  is  too  much  for  a 
weak  heart,  so  I  waited  outside  with  the  greatest  of 
patience  'til  Jeanne  come  out. 

"Greetings!"  I  says,  as  she  steps  into  the  car 
which  the  company  furnishes  us  out  here  accordin' 
to  covenant  IV  of  the  treaty  we  got  with  'em, 
"That  girl  friend  of  yours  is  a  cookie,  hey  what?" 

Jeanne  gimme  a  suspiciously  look  for  a  instant 
and  then  she  turns  loose  that  smile  of  hers  which 
could  be  hocked  anywheres  for  the  Astor  estate. 

"But  yes,"  she  says.  "Indeed  Mademoiselle 
Huntington  is  charmant  !  " 

"Aha!"  I  says.  "You  do  know  her  then, 
hey?" 

" Mais  oui, "  says  Jeanne,  still  smilin*.     "I  have 


212     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

met  her,  cherie,  and  I  like  her  much.  To-night  she 
dines  with  us  and  tomorrow  we  go  ride  on  the  horse 
back,  rfest  ce  pas?" 

"You're  gettin'  along  great!'*  I  says,  very 
sarcastical.  "In  a  coupla  more  days  you  will  no 
doubt  be  invitin'  her  to  come  back  to  New  York 
and  spend  the  last  three  seasons  of  the  year  with 
us.  How  the  so  ever,  I  wouldst  like  a  few  details, 
provided  you  can  spare  'em.  You  have  put  all 
my  hand  picked  friends  over  the  jumps  and  it's  no 
more  than  fair  that  I  should  get  a  thumb  print 
sketch  of  this  new  pal  of  yours." 

Jeanne  thinks  it  over  for  a  minute. 

"Eh  bien  /"  she  says  fin'ly,  pinchin*  my  arm. 
"But  you  must  then  promise  Jeanne  you  will 
nevaire  tell!" 

"By  the  mayor  of  Siam's  left  ear,"  I  says.  "I 
will  never  speak  'til  you  gimme  permission  to  re 
lease  this  secret  to  the  trade!" 

"  Tres  bien  !  "  she  remarks  and  leans  closer  and 
why  not. 

Well,  Joe,  I  am  then  treated  to  one  of  the  most 
remarkably  stories  I  have  heard  since  I  thought 
Alice  in  Wonderland  was  on  the  level.  I'll  never 
again  make  the  mistake  of  thinkin'  that  the 
normal  movin'  picture  is  far  fetched  and  couldn't 
happen,  because  I  am  now  convinced  that  they  is 
many  times  more  sensational  things  pulled  off  in 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  213 

every  day  life  than  any  sceneryaro  writer  ever  got 
from  beneath  his  hat.  It  seems  that  this  Cleo 
patra  of  the  studio  office  is  no  more  of  a  blown  in 
the  flask  stenographer  than  I  am  heir  to  the 
thrones  of  Montenegro.  Well,  you  will  holler, 
what  the — what  is  she? 

Joe — she  owns  the  movie  company  ! 

Whilst  I  am  still  gaspin'  like  a  hook  fish, 
Jeanne,  which  hates  creatin '  a  sensation  the  same 
as  Rockefeller  is  sick  of  Standard  Oil,  lets  go 
the  folio  win* — which  I  am  now  free  to  tell  you, 
scaled  of  my  charmin'  wife's  French. 

Miss  Huntington,  the  apparently  stenog,  was 
left  this  movin'  picture  company  by  her  dear  old 
father  when  he  passed  away  and  she  is  a  legiti 
mate  orphan  with  nothin '  to  keep  her  from  dyin '  of 
lonesomeness  but  a  property  worth  in  the  vicinity 
of  half  a  million.  After  a  short  whirl  around  in 
high  society  she  got  sick  and  tired  of  the  guys 
which  was  in  the  matrimonial  draft  age,  givin  *  'em 
all  exemption  on  the  grounds  that  ^  of  'em  was 
after  her  bankroll  and  the  other  half  which  had 
beaucoup  pennies  of  their  own  was  too  silly  to  look 
at  across  a  breakfast  table  daily.  So  in  order  to 
occupy  her  mind  she  makes  arrangements  to  study 
every  department  of  her  company  so's  to  get  a 
line  on  the  movie  game  and  make  her  half  million 
grow,  without  nobody  knowin'  who  she  really  is. 


214     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Watehin*  all  them  pictures  made  every  day  must 
of  give  her  delerium  tremens,  because  she  claims 
she  is  dyin'  for  a  chance  to  wed  a  poor,  but  hand 
some  and  ambitious  young  man  and  use  her  dough 
to  put  him  over.  Her  dope  is  that  the  fact  of  her 
havin '  the  bankroll  will  give  her  just  the  amount  of 
superiority  which  every  woman  should  have  over 
the  man  in  the  case  and  under  no  circumstances 
will  she  consider  marryin'  a  rich  man.  All  day 
long  she  is  dreamin '  of  the  fairy  prince  in  destitute 
circumstances  comin'  along  and  coppin'  her  and 
imagine  his  delightfully  surprise  when  he  thinks 
he  has  won  a  humbly  stenographer  only  to  find 
when  it's  too  late  to  turn  back  that  he  has  married 
a  heiress  and  he  can  now  throw  up  his  job  at  the 
bakery,  unless  he 's  a  half  wit  or  the  etc. 

Well,  I  have  heard  some  weird  yarns  hi  my 
time,  Joe,  but  I  am  forced  to  admit  that  one  led 
the  league!  If  it  had  been  any  one  else  but 
Jeanne  which  told  me  it,  I  wouldn't  even  consider 
a  proposition  to  believe  it,  but  I  would  take  my 
wife's  unsupported  word  that  the  Panama  Canal 
is  composed  of  sarsaparilla  and  besides  a  woman  is 
liable  to  do  anything.  Let  us  take  Joan  of  the 
Ark  for  the  example. 

As  advertised,  Joe,  I  met  Miss  Huntington  at 
chow  that  night  and  she  come  up  to  all  expecta 
tions  and  then  went  on  and  passed  'em.  She  was 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  215 

even  fascinatin'  whilst  eatin'  spaghetti,  which  is 
the  carbolic  acid  test. 

From  then  on  I  begin  to  take  quite  a  interest  in 
this  second  Queen  of  the  Shebas,  Joe,  and  naturally 
enough  I  devoted  some  time  to  wonderin'  whom 
would  be  the  lucky  guy  to  turn  up  and  grab  off  a 
knockout  like  she  with  a  half  million  for  dessert. 
I  didn't  have  long  to  wait,  because  the  thing 
run  off  like  a  novel  or  the  etc. 

They  was  a  young  guy  amongst  what  is  known 
to  the  inner  circle  as  the  "extry  people"  that 
fitted  in  for  the  heiress  victim  the  same  way  the 
skin  fits  on  a  olive.  He  was  a  good  looker  in  a 
regular  he-man  way,  he  didn't  forget  that  a  shave 
a  day  keeps  the  whiskers  away  and  as  for  bein' 
poor — well,  he  was  workin'  for  five  bucks  a  day 
and  worked  on  the  average  of  four  days  less  than 
a  week.  He  seen  this  alleged  stenographer  the 
first  day  he  went  to  draw  his  ten  or  fifteen  dollars 
and  would  of  walked  out  without  the  money  if  she 
hadn't  called  him  back.  Jeanne  was  the  only  one 
that  noticed  that  when  he  fin'ly  did  tear  himself 
away,  he  left  his  hat  there  and  she  winked  at 
me  and  grinned. 

Well,  Joe,  I'll  say  that  this  super  was  a  fast 
worker.  In  fact  the  kid  was  so  speedy  he  would  of 
made  a  telegram  look  like  a  paralyzed  snail. 
He  hung  around  that  office  like  a  summer  cold  and 


216     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

a  lot  of  ambitious  assistant  directors  laid  awake 
manys  the  night  tryin'  to  figure  out  ways  to  send 
him  a  box  of  poisoned  bon  bons  and  not  get 
suspected,  yet  none  of  'em  had  the  nerve  to  fire 
him  because  it  was  a  cinch  that  the  lady  in  the 
case  was  partial  to  him.  When  he  commenced 
openly  callin'  on  her,  Jeanne  calls  me  into  the 
thing. 

She  starts  off  by  convincin'  me  how  she  likes 
this  Miss  Huntington  and  then  she  claims  it  looks 
pretty  serious  between  she  and  this  young  useless 
and  whilst  Jeanne  admits  the  girl's  idea  of  gettin' 
a  husband  tailored  to  measure  is  kinda  queer,  she 
don't  want  her  friend  to  go  wrong.  Therefore 
and  to  wit,  she  wants  me  to  mix  around  with  Miss 
Huntmgton  's  boy  friend  and  see  if  he  has  anything 
to  recommend  him  besides  his  baby  stare  and  the 
like. 

Well,  Joe,  as  I  have  always  been  a  obedient 
young  man,  I  folleyed  out  my  instructions  to  the 
letters  and  looked  over  this  bird  at  close  range. 
I  must  confess  I  was  a  trifle  prejudiced  against 
him  at  the  go  in,  because  it  was  my  idea  that  a 
guy  of  his  heft  should  be  doin'  somethin'  more 
excitin'  than  being'  a  super  in  the  movies,  but 
after  a  scant  half  hour's  conversation  I  was  strong 
for  him,  Joe.  He  was  just  a  big,  clear-eyed, 
clean  kid  with  a  certain  amount  of  class  that 


217 

seemed  outa  place  in  the  job  he  had  and  a  some- 
thin'  else  about  him  that  it  was  practically  im 
possible  not  to  like.  I  didn't  wonder  that  the 
charmin'  heiress  with  the  queer  ideas  had  fell  for 
him  and  I  was  only  hopin*  he  would  take  the 
advantage  of  the  chance  which  was  headed  his 
way  at  a  mile  a  minute  and  make  somethin'  outa 
himself  and  not  just  lay  back  and  kid  the  world 
with  Miss  Huntington's  dough.  Havin'  promised 
Jeanne  not  to  upset  the  beans,  I  couldn't  very  well 
tip  him  off,  but  when  he  come  right  out  in  meetin ' 
and  told  me  he  expected  to  wed  our  charmin' 
stenog,  I  figured  I  might  be  excused  for  soundin' 
him  out. 

I  told  him  he  was  lucky,  Joe,  and  I  didn't  tell  no 
lie! 

"You  bet  I'm  lucky!"  he  says,  grinnin'  like  a 
wolf,  "why  you  don't  know  what  this  will  do  for 
me  and— 

"Don't  kid  yourself!"  I  interrupts.  "I  know  a 
whole  lot  better  than  you  do.  Now  I'll  admit 
that  you  have  gave  me  a  good  impression  and  you 
have  got  my  best  wishes  for  success  and  the  like. 
But  I  trust  you  will  get  busy  and  hustle  now  and 
can  this  bein'  a  movie  supe.  That  ain't  gonna  get 
you  nowheres  and  right  now  you  gotta  make  good ! 
Why  you  can't  even  start  off  married  life  in  a  un 
furnished  room  with  the  pennies  you're  makin' 


218     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

here  and  you  don't  want  Miss  Huntington  to  go 
out  and  stenog  after  you're  a  man  and  a  wife,  do 

you?" 

"I  should  say  not!"  he  laughs.  "Ha,  ha,  the 
idea  of  my  wife  having  to  work!  Really,  that's 
rich!  I'm  thoroughly  capable  of  supporting  her, 
I  assure  you.  I've  managed  to  get  together  a  few 
dollars  and  I'm  going  to  throw  up  this  job  of  mine 
to-day  and  go  into  a  business  I've  been  interested 
in  for  some  time,  and  I'll  let  you  in  on  another 
secret — Miss  Huntington  is  going  to  quit  too, 
because  to-morrow  we  get  married  and  Mrs. 
Harmon  and  yourself  are  to  be  the  witnesses!" 

Before  I  could  make  any  answer  to  this  one, 
Joe,  Miss  Huntington  herself  loomed  up  on  the 
horizon  and  the  comin'  luckiest  guy  on  the 
earth  beat  it.  I  walked  away  with  visions  of  the 
kid  openin'  up  a  frankfurter  stand  or  the  like,  as 
what  kind  of  a  other  business  could  he  open  with 
the  dough  he  saved  from  bein'  a  supe,  hey,  Joe? 

I  am  passin'  by  the  office  a  hour  later,  lookin' 
for  Jeanne  so's  I  can  make  my  report,  when  I  hear 
her  voice  from  the  inside.  Just  as  I  am  on  the 
brink  of  openin'  the  door,  this  young  guy  begins 
to  speak  and  I  waited. 

"No,  Mrs.  Harmon, "  he  says,  in  a  kinda  strange 
voice.  "Please  wait!"  Then  they  is  a  most 
interestin'  (to  me)  pause.  "Edith!"  he  says, 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  219 

next,  that  bein'  Miss  Huntington's  first  name, 
"I  have  deceived  you!" 

I  hear  a  gasp  from  said  Edith  and  Jeanne  busts  out . 

"Viola  /"  she  says.  "Is  it  then  that  you  can 
not  marree  Mademoiselle?" 

"I  would  like,"  he  says  in  a  coldly  voice,  "to 
see  somebody  stop  me!" 

They  was  at  the  least  two  sighs  let  forth  from 
inside. 

"No,"  goes  on  the  kid,  "it  isn't  that.  The 
surprise  I  have  is  a  pleasant  one.  I  am  not  just  a 
poor — er-^-super.  I  hung  around  here  because  I 
had  nothing  else  to  do  and  the  work  was  fascinat 
ing  to  me.  Also  I  had  a  good  reason  to  study  the 
movies.  Then  when  I  saw  you,  Edith,  I — I 
couldn't  leave.  My  uncle,  who  died  last  year, 
left  me  a  little  over  half  a  million  dollars  and  I've 
been  looking  around  ever  since  for  some  safe  and 
sane  investment.  I  found  it — oh — very  recently. 
You  will  never  have  to  operate  a  typewriter  again, 
dear,  you  can  have  everything  your  heart  desires. 
I've  put  practically  every  cent  I  have  into  this 
business  I've  gone  into  but  there's  millions  to  be 
made  out  of  it  and  as  soon  as  I  can  arrange  a 
loan  on  my  new  property,  I'll  probably  be  able  to 
give  you  fifty  thousand  dollars  for  pin  money, 
sweetheart!  Now  I " 

Then  Miss  Huntington  come  to  life. 


220     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"Why,"  she  gasps,  "why  didn't  you  tell  me 
this  before?" 

"Forgive  me,  honey,*'  says  the  kid.  "But  I — 
I — wanted  to  be  sure  that  you  loved  me  for  myself, 
alone." 

"That's  exactly  what  I  wanted  to  find  out  about 
you ! "  chokes  out  Miss  Huntington,  like  she  was 
speakin '  to  herself. 

"I  don't  quite  understand,"  says  the  kid,  kinda 
puzzled.  "You- " 

"I — I — deceived  you,  too!"  says  friend  Edith. 
"I'm  no  more  a  compelled  to  be  a  stenographer 
than  you  are  to  be  a  supernumerary.  I — I — " 
She  almost  shot  the  words  out,  Joe,  like  she  was 
anxious  to  get  it  over  with.  "I — why  I  have  half 
a  million  dollars  right  now!" 

"You— what  ?"  hollers  the  kid. 

"My  father  left  me  this  moving  picture  com 
pany,"  explains  Edith.  "But  I  don't  like  the 
movies  and  never  did.  My  being  here  at  the 
studio  was  just  a  whim  of  mine.  I  sold  the  entire 
plant  through  my  brokers  to-day.  I — why  what's 
the  matter?" 

I  heard  Jeanne  give  a  little  cry  so  without  no 
more  further  ado  I  pushed  in  the  door.  The  kid 
has  fell  into  a  chair  and  is  shriekin '  with  laughter. 
I  hadda  pound  him  on  the  back  to  bring  him 
around  to  where  he  could  talk. 


A  WORD  TO  THE  WIVES  221 

"What's  the  large  idea?"  I  bawls  at  him. 
"The  idea — oh  yes,"  he  chokes,  jumpin'  up  and 
puttin'  his  arms  around  the  kinda  dazed  Edith. 
"The  idea  is,  old  man,  about  the  funniest  I've 
ever  heard  tell  of.  This  moving  picture  company 
which  my  future  wife  just  sold — is  the  business  I 
just  bought,  that's  all  /" 

I'll  say  it  was  enough,  hey  Joe? 
Yours  truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (The  Strongest 
Hope  of  The  Movies). 


CHAPTER  VIII 

THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS 

EIGHTH  INNING 

In  the  Midst  of  My  Den. 
DEAR  JOE: 

Well,  Joe,  here  I  am  back  again  in  Harmony 
Hall,  my  ires  bien  country's  estate  on  the  Hud 
son's  River,  which  not  content  with  bein'  beauti 
ful  is  also  gettin '  so  cold  now  that  I  am  thinkin '  of 
changin'  the  name  of  it  to  Zero's  Palace  which 
would  be  more  appropriate  and  likewise  very 
uniquely,  as  the  Czecho-Slovaks  have  it.  Joe, 
a  country's  home  near  the  water  is  somethin' 
wonderful  in  the  summer,  but  in  the  winter  it's 
the  horse  of  the  other  color  when  we  have  snow 
and  the  etc.  to  contend  with  and  a  hot  water's 
furnace  which  don't  require  no  more  care  and 
attention  than  a  ten  minute  old  baby  and  can 
with  patience  be  made  to  do  anything,  outside  of 
heat  the  radiators. 

As  you  may  have  seen  via  the  newspapers,  Joe, 
the  miners  was  retired  on  three  pitched  balls,  or 

222 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        223 

in  the  other  words,  went  out  on  strikes  with 
the  annoyin'ly  results  that  for  quite  the  while  it 
become  as  easy  to  get  a  scuttle  of  coal  as  it  is  to 
convince  a  Russian  that  the  war's  all  over.  What 
the  miners  was  strikin'  for  I  have  no  more  idea 
than  they  have,  but  I  hear  it  was  because  they 
demanded  the  privelege  of  wearin'  dress  suits 
whilst  engaged  hi  their  profession  and  the  money 
grabbin'  bosses  insisted  that  the  time  honoured 
costume  of  white  flannel  trousers  with  sport  shirt, 
cream  coloured  gloves  and  tennis  shoes  must  be 
wore  in-  the  mines  whilst  the  brave  lads  is  on 
duty.  Joe,  I  have  wrote  a  little  ballad  with 
regard  to  the  strikin'  miners  which  I  am  gonna 
give  them  absolutely  free  if  they  will  get  it  pub 
lished  and  they  can  sell  copies  of  it  to  each  other 
whilst  waitin'  for  the  coal  magnets  to  give  in  to 
their  just  demands  (or  just  lately  demands,  as  the 
bosses  has  it)  and  all  the  money  which  flows  in 
from  the  sales  can  go  toward  outfittin'  'em  with 
sterlin'  silver  picks. 

The  name  of  the  song  is,  for  the  time  bein', 
"The  Battlin*  Hims  of  The  Republic"  and  the 
chorus  goes  like  thus, 

Down  in  the  coal  mines,  underneath  the  ground 

Diggin'  dusky  diamonds,  all  the  year  round. 

We  git  bigger  wages  now  than  we  ever  did  before, 

But  we  might  as  well  strike  and  make  'em  slip  us  more! 


224     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

You  can  easy  see,  Joe,  the  beautifully  senti 
ment  they  is  therein  and  I  predict  it  will  win  many 
admirers  to  the  miners'  cause.  I  cannot  under 
stand  them  miners  goin'  on  the  strike  when  Pres. 
Wilson  has  told  them  time  and  time  again  that  he 
was  extremely  not  in  the  favour  of  it.  Where 
does  them  guys  get  off  to  defy  the  president? 
They  must  think  they're  either  Mexicans  or  in 
the  U.  S.  Senate,  hey  Joe? 

But  to  get  away  from  strikes  and  the  etc.,  Joe, 
we  are  settled  here  in  Harmony  Hall  for  the  winter 
and  will  not  be  seen  lollin'  about  in  the  sands 
of  Palm's  Beach  or  out  at  California  attemptin* 
to  get  them  movin'  picture  bathin'  girls  to  try 
their  luck  for  once  with  the  wildly  waves  and  see 
what  happens,  instead  of  doin '  nothin '  but  gettin ' 
their  pictures  printed  alongside  of  wrestlers  and 
box  fighters  in  that  illustrated  booklet  without 
which  no  barber  shop  is  complete.  Joe,  Jeanne 
met  a  slew  of  them  dames  whilst  we  was  temporary 
inmates  of  Los  Angeles  and  six  of  'em  is  now 
stoppin'  at  my  castle  on  the  enroute  to  Florida, 
where  some  pictures  showin'  'em  at  the  mercy  of 
the  Malays  and  the  etc.  is  gonna  be  took.  A 
canned  sardine  wouldst  die  of  lonesomeness 
alongside  of  the  jam  they  is  in  my  house  now  with 
all  these  extry  inhabitants,  but  after  the  first 
flash  I  got  at  them  six  bathin'  beauties  I  im- 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS 

mediately  decided  to  make  the  best  of  it  as  they  is 
nothin'  like  bein'  courteous,  especially  to  such 
knockouts  as  these  dames  is.  I  will  tell  you  later 
Joe,  about  all  the  adventures  I  partook  of  with 
them  whilst  they  was  guestin*  at  my  house. 

Well  when  we  got  back  to  Harmony  Hall  after 
makin'  that  picture  "Heavens  Above!"  out  in 
Los  Angeles,  the  first  thing  I  done  is  to  go  down 
town  and  commence  collectin'  circulars  and 
folders  which  deals  with  the  variously  resorts  down 
south  and  the  etc.,  Joe,  some  of  them  places  is 
winter  resorts  and  some  of  them  is  last  resorts, 
but  I  figured  that  anything  was  better  than 
spendin'  from  Oct.  1  practically  to  March  1  in 
constant  attendance  at  the  bedside  of  my  furnace, 
especially  as  in  my  cellar  they  is  nothin '  but  cookin ' 
coal  and  not  no  bottles  of  the  liquid  extract  of  the 
same  which  is  bein'  sold  now  as  booze. 

Joe,  I  was  particularly  in  the  favor  of  makin' 
the  voyage  to  Havana,  because  Phil  Bloom,  the 
honest  bookmaker,  is  down  there  helpin'  to  im 
prove  the  breed  of  horses  and  suckers  and  right 
before  he  left  he  says  I  wanna  be  sure  and  come 
down  this  winter,  because  Havana  is  some  beau- 
coup  village  since  "Swat  The  Rye!"  become 
popular  in  the  U.  S.  Well,  I  asked  the  gently 
salesman  in  the  ticket  office  how  about  it  and  he 
let  forth  a  grin  and  shakes  his  head. 


"I  don't  blame  you  for  wantin'  to  go  down 
there,"  he  says;  "I  only  wish  I  could  breeze  down 
myself,  but  I  couldn't  sell  you  a  stateroom  inside  of 
the  next  two  months  if  you  was  to  make  me  a 
present  of  your  left  lung  as  a  bonus ! " 

"I  don't  want  no  stateroom  inside  of  the  next 
two  months,"  I  says,  "I  want  one  inside  of  a  scow 
which  is  headed  for  Havana.  Can  I  get  that?" 

"Nothin'  stirrin'!"  he  says.  "Every  line  is 
booked  solid  from  now  on.  I  never  seen  such  a 
demand  for  boat  accommodations  in  my  life!" 

"Evidently  you  must  of  missed  the  Johnstown 
flood  then,"  I  says,  with  a  pleasantly  smile. 
"Is  they  any  chance  of  me  goin'  a  few  inches  to 
ward  fair  Cuba  by  train?" 

"Oh,  I  could  route  you  all  right,  I  guess,"  he 
says,  "but  what  good  is  that?  They're  sleepin' 
36  to  the  room  in  the  hotels  down  there  now  and 
you'd  have  to  park  yourself  for  the  night  on  top 
of  a  awnin'  or  the  like.  Besides,  where's  your 
passport?" 

"That'll  be  easy, "  I  says.     "Now- 

He  gave  a  demonical  laugh. 

"Easy,  hey?  "  he  says.  " Then  it  would  likewise 
be  easy  for  you  to  get  a  job  as  a  bookkeeper  in  a 
Chinese  laundry!"  He  looks  around  at  the  ticket 
rack  and  speaks  to  it.  "He  says  it's  easy  to  get  a 
passport  to  Havana,"  he  tells  it,  wagglm'  his  head 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        227 

from  the  side  to  side.  Then  he  turns  back  to  me. 
"Try  and  get  one!"  he  says. 

"What  dy'e  figure  is  the  reason  for  this  here 
biggest  rush  to  Cuba  since  1898,  hey?"  I  says, 
innocent  enough. 

"Are  you  tryin'  to  kid  me?"  he  snorts. 

I  answered  in  the  anti-affirmative. 

"Well  then,  Stupid,"  he  says,  callin'  me  by  a  old 
nickname  of  mine  which  it  was  surprisin'  where  he 
heard  it.  "The  U.  S.  has  assassinated  Jacques 
Barleycorn,  ain't  it?  It  has  also  murdered  bettin' 
on  the  so-called  horse  races,  gamblin'  dens  is 
unconstitutional  and  a  movement  has  just  been 
started  to  make  smokin',  chewin*  and  whistlin'  jazz 
a  felony.  In  about  five  more  years,  young  feller, 
this  man's  country  will  be  in  such  a  state  that  a 
New  Yorker  hot  from  Broadway  which  croaked 
about  that  time  and  went  to  Heaven  would  com 
plain  to  St.  Peter  about  the  angels  playin*  their 
harps  after  nine  o'clock  at  night!  Now  strange  as 
it  may  seem,  they  is  a  few  lawless  citizens  left 
which  figures  they  was  put  on  earth  for  the  purpose 
of  livin'  for  a-while  anyways  and  is  willin'  to  string 
along  with  Pat  Henry,  the  guy  which  moaned 
'Gimme  liberty — or  gimme  tickets  somewheres 
where  they  got  it!'  In  Havana  right  now  they  is 
horse  racin',  government  controlled  gamblin', 
pinch  bottle  Scotch  and  all  its  boy  friends — in 


228     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

fact  the  place  is  as  loose  as  ashes  and  it's  only  a 
stone's  throw  from  New  York  you  might  say. 
What's  the  answer?  Why,  Cuba  is  gettin'  as  much 
of  a  play  now  as  a  ice  water  salesman  would  get  in 
purgatory.  If  you're  figurin'  on  goin'  anywheres 
this  winter  you  better  pick  out  the  North's  Pole, 
or  some  joint  where  they  ain't  such  a  terrible  rush 
of  tourists!" 

Well,  Joe,  I  walked  out  of  that  ticket's  office 
without  as  much  as  a  chance  remark  and  wend  my 
way  over  to  the  passport  bureau  with  sorrowfully 
steps.  I  posolutely  refused  to  believe  that  they 
was  Americans  leavin'  their  country  flat  to  go  to 
Cuba  or  anywheres  else,  simply  because  things  had 
come  to  the  pass  where  their  personal  habits  was 
regulated  like  they  was  all  feeble  minded  and  the 
etc.  and  my  idea  was  that  the  ticket's  salesman  was 
not  beneath  lettin'  forth  a  occasionally  lie,  so's  to 
break  up  the  dull  afternoons  when  they  is  nothin* 
else  to  do  except  tell  people  they  can't  under  no 
circumstances  go  to  Havana.  I  also  made  up  my 
mind  I  wouldst  come  back  to  that  baby  in  about 
half  a  hour  and  waggle  my  passport  in  his  face  just 
to  show  him  he  was  all  wrong  and  the  etc. 

Joe,  I  never  went  back  at  all,  but  three  hours 
later  I  slipped  into  another  joint  and  got  tickets 
entitlin'  me  to  orchestra  seats  for  Bermuda  and 
the  .reason  I  did  so  is  the  folio  win'. 


TEE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        229 

The  inside  of  the  passport  bureau  looked  like 
they  was  puttin'  on  a  dress  rehersal  of  a  race  riot 
when  I  got  there  and  it  was  the  best  part  of  a 
hour  before  I  could  even  get  near  a  salesman  and 
make  my  wants  heard.  I  fin'ly  hooked  and 
jabbed  my  way  up  to  the  counter  and  a  guy  which 
looks  like  he's  on  the  brinks  of  leavin'  this  world 
behind  from  simply  exhaustion  sneers  at  me  openly 
and  says. 

"Well,  what  do  you  wish?" 

Joe,  he's  lookin'  at  me  like  no  matter  what  it  is  I 
ain't  gonna  get  it  and  there's  that  ! 

"I  wish  I  was  Rockefeller's  only  heir,"  I  says, 
with  a  friendly  grin,  "but  what  I  come  here  for  is 
to  get  a  passport  for  Havana." 

"Ha,  ha!"  he  laughs,  sarcastically.  "If  I  had 
one  of  them  I'd  use  it  myself.  No  chance  right 
now,  buddy — keep  movin' ! " 

"  What's  the  idea?  "  I  says.  " Is  they  somebody 
ahead  of  me?" 

"You  tell  'em!"  he  snarls.  "They's  91,000 
applications  on  file  here  now  and  they're  comin'  in 
at  the  rate  of  about  three  a  minute.  We  wouldn't 
get  to  you  for  a  coupla  months.  The  best  thing 
you  can  do  is  see  America  first  and  forget  about 
that  Cuba  thing.  They  can't  be  no  room  down  in 
Havana  now  anyways.  We're  try  in*  to  scatter 
what  passports  we're  issuin*  so's  they  come  from 


230     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

all  over.  The  way  these  guys  which  can't  stand  the 
taste  of  water  is  fleein'  down  there  now,  if  we  let  'em 
all  go  from  one  section  of  the  country  the  whole 
U.  S.  would  tip  over  on  its  side  in  a  coupla  days!" 

Well,  that  killed  the  expedition  to  Cuba,  Joe,  so 
after  a  coupla  hours'  hard  work  I  managed  to  get 
some  choice  tickets  for  Bermuda  from  a  speculator 
and  as  far  as  that  goes,  that  joint  is  a  sell  out  too. 
I  grabbed  off  a  handful  of  elegant  folders  which 
claims  that  Bermuda  is  the  garden  spot  of  the 
world  and  the  nearest  thing  to  Heaven  it  is  possible 
to  get  on  this  here  earth  outside  of  the  Follies,  and 
then  I  set  sail  for  home.  On  the  ways  back,  Joe, 
I  could  not  help  smilin'  to  myself  and  occasionally 
for  the  benefit  of  the  public,  when  I  thought  what 
a  pleasantly  surprise  I  had  for  Jeanne  and  my  baby 
and  how  they  wouldst  no  doubt  swoon  away  on 
account  of  joy  when  they  heard  they  was  gonna 
spend  the  winter  under  the  shelterin'  shades  of  the 
onion  trees  and  the  etc.  in  Bermuda.  I  found 
Jeanne  in  my  baby's  bouidor  so  I  wasted  no  time 
in  beatin'  in  and  about  the  bushes,  but  come  right 
out  with  it. 

"Well,  Honey,"  I  says,  presentin'  her  with  a 
chastely  salute  and  why  not.  "You  don't  have  to 
worry  whether  they  have  nothin*  but  blizzards 
and  forty  below  the  zero  up  here  this  winter  or  not, 
because  I " 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS       231 

"Viola  /"  she  butts  in,  exhibitin'  all  her  milkish 
white  teeth,  "But  indeed  you  are  right,  mon 
Edouard.  That  cold  shall  not  bother  Jeanne,  for 
I  have  buy  from  Maison  Louise  while  you  are 
away  to-day,  un  veston  of  the  fur.  Tiens  !  C'est 
magnifique  and  the  cost  but — 

"A  moment!"  I  says,  staggerin'  back  under 
this  blow.  Can  you  imagine  Jeanne  stakin'  herself 
to  a  fur's  coat  when  I  am  gonna  take  her  for  the 
winter  where  that  article  of  ladies'  haberdashery 
will  be  about  as  useful  as  a  triple  chin?  That's 
what  you  might  refer  to  as  a  tough  break,  hey  Joe? 
Jeanne  has  beat  it  outa  the  room  and  in  a  coupla 
minutes  she  returns  on  the  inside  of  what  looked 
to  me  at  the  first  glance  like  all  the  fur  in  the  world, 
not  countin'  Shantung.  All  you  could  see  was  her 
little  peaches  and  Grade  A  cream  face  stickin'  out 
over  the  top  with  her  hair  piled  up  and  glistenin* 
where  the  light  was  lucky  enough  to  rest  on  it  for  a 
second  and  when  she  twisted  up  them  unequalled 
warm  red  lips  of  hers  makin'  what  is  known  to  the 
educated  French  as  a  moue  with  her  mouth  and 
kinda  winks  one  eye  as  innocent  as  a  infant  and  as 
dangerous  as  dynamite — Well,  Joe,  I'll  say  that  if 
all  the  bears  or  whatever  wildly  beasts  that  coat 
come  from  could  of  seen  her,  they  would  of  felt 
satisfied  that  their  fur  looked  a  whole  lot  better  on 
Jeanne  than  it  ever  did  on  them — and  there's  that  I 


232    THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Well,  I  stood  there  like  the  man  in  the  trance  for 
a  minute,  thinkin*  that  come  what  may  this 
morphine  fiend's  dream  I  was  lookin'  at  was  my 
wife  and  naturally  enough  the  second  that  thought 
hit  me  I  also  remembered  that  I  would  have  to  go 
bail  for  this  coat  and  the  spell  was  broken.  Un 
like  Marks  &  Anthony  which  was  easily  affected, 
Joe,  lookin'  at  beautifully  women  does  not  never 
take  my  mind  completely  off  of  my  bankroll. 

"To  be  exact,"  I  says,  gettin'  set  for  the  worst, 
"How  much  did  that  Esquimaux's  dress  suit  cost 
you,  once  they  seen  you  liked  it?  " 

"Poof!"  she  says.  "Almost  they  make  Jeanne 
the  gift  of  this.  It  is  but  duex  mille  of  your 
dollars." 

"How  d'ye  get  that  way?"  I  yells.  "It'll  be  do 
milly  of  your  dollars  if  it's  gonna  be  anything, 
which  I  seriously  doubt!  Two  thousand  fish  for  a 
coat,  hey?  My  name  is  still  Harmon,  Jeanne,  and 
not  Astor  and  likewise  you  ain't  dealin'  in  francs  no 
more,  a  thing  you  seem  to  have  completely  forgot. 
Send  that  coat  back  to  them  burglars  you  got  it 
from,  because  anyways  you  ain't  gonna  need  it!" 

Jeanne  gets  a  angry  though  becomin'  shade  of 
red. 

"Not  need  it?"  she  says.  "What  mean  you, 
Edouard?" 

"We're  gonna  spend  the  winter  in  Bermuda,"  I 


says,  expectin*  her  to  rend  the  air  with  a  shriek  of 
delight. 

Joe,  she  stares  at  me  for  a  minute  and  then 
busts  out  laughin'. 

"Vraiment  /"  she  says.  "But  then  we  are  not! 
We  shall  most  certainly  remain  here  for  the  winter. 
Jeanne  has  enough  of  those  travel  for  a  long,  long 
time.  Besides,  all  next  week  Mrs.  Hedges- 
Plympton  and  myself  have  those  historical  fete  for 
to  benefit  that  Red  Cross.  I  am  to  be  Queen 
Isabella  of  L'espagnol  and  you,  cherie,  are  to  be — 
Viola,  you  will  never  suspect — you  will  then  be 
Colombus  in  the  pageant!  Is  that  not  wonder 
ful?" 

"No!"  I  growls.  "What  d'ye  mean  I'm  gonna 
be  Colombus?  I'm  gonna  be  Ed.  Harmon  and 
were  both  gonna  Bermuda.  I'm  off  them  mas 
querade  balls  for  life!  You  had  me  runnin'  wild 
around  here  in  a  set  of  tights  once  before,  playin'  I 
was  a  musket's  ear  of  the  time  of  Looey  the  14  and 
I  got  enough  then.  That  stuff's  all  silly  to  me. 
So  you  better  begin  packin'  now  and — 

Jeanne's  eyes  gets  very  coldly. 

"Edouard!"  she  says.  "To-morrow  afternoon 
at  four  o'clock  you  will  be  at  Maison  Henri  on  the 
Avenue  of  the  Fifth  where  you  will  get  measure  for 
that  costume  of  Colombus.  Jeanne  have  make  all 
arrangements  for  you,  and— 


234     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"Never  mind  that  end  of  it — they  ain't  gonna 
be  no  party  at  the  chateau  Harmon  and  there's 
that!"  I  says.  "It's  bad  enough  like  it  is  with 
them  six  bathin'  beauty  friends  of  yours  makin'  my 
home  look  like  a  box  fighter's  trainin'  camp  by 
goin'  through  them  settin'  up  exercises  on  the  roof 
every  mornin'  and  also  actin'  like  I  had  adopted 
them  as  guests  for  the  rest  of  their  lives.  If  / 
brung  even  a  merely  one  of  my  boy  friends  up  here 
to  spend  the  week's  end  you'd  yell  murder  and  yet 
that  California  sextette  of  yours  evidently  come 
here  with  the  idea  of  stayin'  'til  death  do  us  part 
or  the  etc." 

"Stop!"  says  Jeanne.  "I  will  not  have  my 
guests  criticise.  They  are  charmant  girls  and  they 
shall  stay  here  and  keep  Jeanne  company  as  long 
as  they  so  desire.  If  then  you  do  not  like  it  here, 
mon  ami,  always  you  may  leave — rfest  ce  pas?" 

"/  may  leave?"  I  yells  in  a  wildly  rage.  "We're 
all  gonna  leave!  I  ain't  gonna  be  no  Colombus 
and  they  ain't  gonna  be  no  blowout  for  the  Red's 
Cross  tore  off  here.  We'll  give  them  a  hundred 
bucks  and  let  it  go  at  that — they  can  buy  enough 
court's  plaster  for  that  amount  of  jack  to  last  'em 
through  the  next  war.  I'm  goin'  downtown  now 
and  get  me  some  Palm's  Beach  suits  and  the  rest 
of  that  layout  which  is  suitably  for  the  southern 
climes  of  Bermuda  and  I'd  advise  you  to  do  the 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLUMBUS       235 

game,  because  that's  where  you  and  me  is  gonna 
spend  the  winter.  They  is  no  use  givin'  me  a 
argument  about  it,  Jeanne,  because  you  oughta 
know  by  this  time  that  when  I  make  up  my  mind 
to  do  a  thing  they  is  no  changin'  me.  I'm  boss 
around  here  and  what  I  say  goes.  We  leave  here 
next  week!" 

So  that's  how  it  come  to  the  pass  that  we  are 
gonna  stay  here  all  winter  instead  of  fleein'  to 
Bermuda,  Joe,  and  our  Red's  Cross  festival  was  as 
big  a  success  as  Edison.  They  was  no  less  than 
six  nights  of  it  and  I  played  Christy  Colombus,  the 
beaucoup  discoverer,  as  advertised.  What  7  dis 
covered  I  will  tell  you  in  my  next  billet  donx,  as  the 
French  is  wonted  to  remark. 

Well,  nux  vomica  and  the  etc.,  Joe,  'till  we  meet 
again  by  the  via  of  the  mails. 
Yours  Truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (I  hear  this  Bermuda 
joint  is  a  flop,  anyways!) 

In  My  Handsomely  Study, 

Harmony  Hall,  N.  Y. 
BON  AMI  JOSE: 

Well,  Joe,  I  am  sittin'  here  in  the  only  room 
which  we  ain't  got  a  coupla  guests  parked  in, 
lookin'  at  the  Hudson's  River  flowin'  gaily  past 
beneath  my  window  and  it  is  right  now  composed 


236     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

principally  of  cakes  of  ice,  so  I  expect  any  minute  to 
see  Eliza  and  the  bloodhounds  go  caperin'  by.  It 
ain't  much  colder  here  than  it  is  in  Iceland,  Joe, 
and  I  have  been  stokin'  that  so  called  furnace  of 
mine  'til  the  insides  of  my  hands  is  as  callous  as 
a  loan  shark's  heart.  But  I  got  two  consolations, 
anyways,  and  that  is  1 — The  Nights  of  Colombus  is 
all  over  and  2 — The  six  bathin'  beauties  is  on  the 
enroute  to  Florida  and  I  can  now  roam  around  my 
own  house  without  bumpin'  into  absolutely 
strangers  at  every  step. 

As  no  doubt  you  are  on  the  brinks  of  death  from 
curiosity  as  to  the  subject  of  what  happened  at  the 
fete  to  aid  the  benefit  of  the  Red's  Cross,  I  will  ex 
pose  the  same  without  no  more  further  ado.  With 
out  violatin'  no  confidences,  Joe,  I  can  tell  you  that 
the  frolic  was  a  mammoth  success,  almost  $100,000 
was  raised  by  the  subscription  system  for  the  Red's 
Cross  and  a  elegantly  time  was  had  by  all  except 
one  guy,  viz,  ie  and  to  wit,  Knockout  Hooker, 
welterweight  champion  of  the  world,  which  will 
soon  have  the  pleasure  of  writin'  "ex —  '  before 
his  title,  unless  I  am  terribly  mistaken. 

About  three  days  before  Jeanne's  extravaganza 
was  gave  birth,  as  we  remark  hi  Montenegro,  a 
committee  of  other  husbands  and  the  etc.  called  on 
me,  Joe,  and  requested  the  boon  of  a  audience. 
Joe,  all  these  guys  which  has  the  pleasure  of 


livin'  around  me  in  this  section  which  is  as  ex 
clusive  as  a  lion's  den,  has  names  which  sound  like 
a  steal  from  a  Pullman's  car  and  likewise  has  got 
$3.75  for  every  Democrat  south  of  Washington. 
But  most  of  them  is  regular  guys  at  that  and  play 
a  mean  poker  hand  and  the  etc.  so  I  greet  them 
with  gracious  indulgence  and  lead  them  up  to  my 
sanctimonious  sanitorium,  which  is  Finnish  or  the 
like  for  private  office.  Well,  first  we  have  a  lot  of 
hemmin'  and  hawin'  and  flatterin'ly  comments 
on  the  tasty  way  I  have  fixed  my  room  up  with 
pictures  of  me  doin'  this  and  that  of  a  darin* 
nature  both  at  home  and  abroad  and  then  a 
elderly  gent  comes  right  out  with  the  main  and 
principal  object  of  the  visit. 

It  seems  they  is  several  globules  of  red  blood 
amongst  these  guys  and  as  a  result  they  have 
framed  up  a  card  of  four  or  five  boxin'  bouts  for 
the  last  night  of  the  party  to  be  held  hi  the  gym  of 
the  golfin'  club.  All  the  guests  will  be  dragged 
over  and  shook  down  for  a  hundred  berries  the 
each  to  look  on  and  the  entire  receipts  will  be  flung 
at  the  delighted  Red's  Cross,  whether  they  want 
it  or  not.  They  have  dug  up  a  few  pretty  good 
boys  which  has  volunteered  their  services,  but 
what  they  want  for  the  pieces  of  resistance  is  some 
kind  of  a  champ  and  a  dancin'  partner  for  the  same 
to  step  about  four  rounds  or  the  etc. 


238     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

All  they  wish  me  to  do,  Joe,  is  to  furnish  the 
main's  bout. 

Well,  I  says  I  will  see  what  can  be  done  and  then 
with  a  courtly  nod  of  the  head  I  dismissed  them 
one  and  all. 

The  last  day  of  the  carnival,  bein'  relieved  of 
my  duties  as  Colombus,  Joe,  I  secured  permission 
from  Jeanne  to  use  the  limousine  and  wend  my 
way  down  to  New  York.  On  the  ways  I  am  wilin' 
away  the  time  by  readin'  my  favourite  author,  the 
newspapers,  when  I  see  on  the  sportin'  page  that 
Knockout  Hooker,  the  welter  champ,  is  gonna 
work  that  very  night.  He's  gonna  fight  Kid 
Brennan,  the  ex-champ,  over  in  Newark.  Of 
course  you  know,  Joe,  what  Kid  Brennan  was 
when  he  was  steppin'  fast  and  also  that  it  is 
extremely  doubtful  if  the  ring  will  ever  see  another 
fighter  like  that  baby  at  his  weight.  You  know 
how  that  guy  fought  'em  all  when  he  was  champ 
and  never  got  bounced  'til  he  was  a  decrepit  old 
man.  You  know  that  he  won  his  title  when  prize 
fighters  fought  finish  fights  for  a  hundred  dollar 
bill  with  winner  take  all  and  worked  with  four 
ounce  gloves  in  a  ring,  instead  of  in  dress  suits  in 
front  of  a  movie  camera.  You  might  have  read 
that  in  Kid  Brennan's  400  brawls  his  record  of 
one-round  knockouts  would  of  tickled  even  the 
Marines  and  he  never  once  kissed  the  canvas  him- 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        239 

self  'til  Knockout  Hooker  got  him  when  Brennan 
was  old  enough  to  be  Hooker's  grandpa — and  just 
about  that  fast. 

And  of  course  you  know,  Joe,  that  "Brennan'* 
is  as  much  the  name  of  the  guy  I'm  talkin'  about 
as  my  name  is  Longfellow! 

Well,  Joe,  my  first  stop  was  at  a  newspaper  office 
and  my  next  stop  was  at  the  sportin'  editor's  desk. 
I  immediately  state  my  wishes  to  this  guy  with  the 
result  that  he  calls  up  Knockout  Hooker's  manager 
and  asks  him  will  he  let  his  battler,  which  fought 
all  through  the  war  in  a  shipyard,  give  a  exhibition 
of  the  manly  art  of  assault  and  battery  for  the 
Red's  Cross.  Then  begin  a  argument  which  last 
the  best  part  of  a  hour  and  before  it  was  through, 
Joe,  I  had  twice  offered  to  go  over  to  Newark  and 
fight  this  box  fightin'  champ  for  nothin',  myself! 
Knockout  Hooker  claimed  he  had  already  gave  the 
Red's  Cross  a  buck  and  had  a  button  to  prove  it, 
that  he  had  four  fights  booked  for  the  next  two 
weeks  at  a  guarantee  of  $7,000  a  fight  and  there 
fore  needed  a  rest  and  fin'ly,  that  he  had  never 
asked  the  Red's  Cross  for  nothin'  so  why  should 
they  bother  him.  The  sportin'  editor  grinds  his 
teeth,  Joe,  but  managed  to  keep  what  temper  he 
had  and  shoo  me  away  from  the  'phone  and  by 
threatenin',  kiddin'  and  pleadin'  with  this  fat 
head  he  manages  to  get  him  to  agree  to  step  four 


240     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

rounds  for  the  Red's  Cross,  provided  he  got  his 
"expenses,"  a  lotta  publicity  in  the  next  day's 
paper  and  last  but  not  least,  that  the  guy  they 
picked  for  him  to  box  had  to  be  a  eighteen-carat 
bum  as  far  as  scrappin'  was  concerned.  We  give 
in  to  everything  and  I  says  I'll  stop  over  to  Newark 
after  Knockout  Hooker's  fight  with  Kid  Brennan 
that  night  and  take  the  champ  up  to  the  Red's 
Cross  frolic  in  my  car. 

"Woof!"  snarls  the  sportin*  editor,  bangin'  up 
the  'phone,  "Can  you  tie  that  bird?  No  matter 
what  happens,  I'll  give  him  and  that  second  Jesse 
James  which  manages  him,  a  roast  in  to-morrow's 
paper  that'll  take  'em  250  years  to  live  down! 
Why  that  big  tramp  oughta  be  tickled  silly  to  get 
a  chance  to  help  the  Red  Cross.  He  says  they 
never  helped  him,  hey?  Well  is  it  their  fault  he 
ducked  the  draft  and  never  gave  them  a  chance?" 

With  that,  Joe,  he  let  forth  a  description  of 
Knockout  Hooker's  personal  characteristics  and 
the  like,  interruptin'  himself  now  and  then  to 
touch  on  the  welter  champ's  ancestors,  the  whole 
makin*  a  very  interestin'  collection  of  facts  if  you 
could  ever  get  anybody  to  print  'em.  In  the 
midst  of  the  biography  I  cut  in  on  him. 

"  Listen ! "  I  says.  "  I  don't  doubt  that  big  stiff 
is  all  of  that  and  much  more  and  the  chances  are 
I'll  take  a  punch  at  him  myself  before  the  evenin'  is 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        241 

spent.  But  I  gotta  work  fast !  Where  am  I  gonna 
get  a  bum  to  go  on  with  him  up  there  to-night?" 

"Oh,  that's  a  cinch!"  says  the  sportin'  editor, 
reachin*  for  his  hat.  "Come  on — I'll  take  you 
over  to  see  Jimmy  Dunn.  He's  got  more  tramps 
in  his  stable  than  the  average  village  constable  sees 
in  a  lifetime.  After  that,  I'm  goin'  over  to  Newark 
and  see  Knockout  Hooker  murder  poor  old  Kid 
Brennan.  D'ye  wanna  take  me  over  hi  that 
•  glorified  flivver  of  yours?" 

"Not  only  that,"  I  says,  "but  if  you  dig  up  this 
other  box  fighter  for  me,  I'll  take  you  all  the  way  up 
to  the  Red's  Cross  carnival  as  my  personally 
guest.  Apart  from  everything  else,  they  is  six 
California  bathin'  beauties  up  there  which  I  can 
at  the  least  introduce  you  to.  The  other  guests 
is  a  mixture  of  millionaires  and  movie  stars — 
the  two  greatest  trades  in  the  world!" 

He  grins  at  me  like  a  wolf. 

"Sold!"  he  says.  "I'm  glad  I  had  brains 
enough  to  get  shaved  on  my  lunch  hour  and  a  man 
about  town  is  a  fool  if  he  ain't  got  a  dress  suit  at 
a  downtown  hotel.  I'll  accept  your  invitation 
with  the  greatest  delight.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  I 
may  get  a  good  yarn  outa  the  thing!" 

If  it  wasn't  that  I  am  tryin'  to  get  out  of  the 
habit  of  usin*  the  expression,  Joe,  I  would  remark, 
viz,  "I'll  say  he 


242     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Our  first  port  of  the  call  was  no  less  than 
Monsieur  Jimmy  Dunn,  a  manager  of  itinerant 
leather  pushers.  We  caught  him  at  a  well  known 
(to  me)  uptown  hotel,  just  as  he  himself  was 
leavin'  for  Newark  where  he  was  about  to  challenge 
the  winner  of  the  Knockout  Hooker-Kid  Brennan 
fracas  on  behalf  of  about  twelve  of  his  seventh  rate 
scrappers.  The  sportin'  editor  told  him  what  we 
wanted  without  no  beatin*  in  and  out  of  the 
bushes. 

"Well,  I  dunno"  says  Dunn,  scratchin'  what 
was  the  equivalant  of  his  chin.  "I  like  to  help  the 
Knights  of  the  Salvation  M.  C.  A.  but  I  ain't  got  a 
boy  that  could  give  Knockout  Hooker  even  a  good 
workout!  And  then " 

"You  must  have  a  bum  on  your  staff,"  cuts  in 
the  sportin'  editor,  "or  else  I  have  mistook  you  for 
somebody  else.  Any  guy  will  do  as  long  as  he's  a 
welter.  It's  only  four  rounds  for  sweet  charity's 
sakes — and  they  can  always  take  a  dive  if  the 
champ  gets  messy!" 

Jimmy  Dunn  gives  him  a  long  look. 

"All  right!"  he  says,  fin'ly.  "But  remember — 
I  don't  want  my  guy  killed,  unless  you're  willin' 
to  advance  me  sixty  bucks  that  he  owes  me  before 
we  start  for  the  abbatoir.  And  don't  you  dare  tell 
him  who  he's  gonna  fight — get  me?" 

"Bring  this  baby  on,"  says  the  sportin'  editor, 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        243 

"if  he  even  goes  so  far  as  to  feint  Hooker  I'll  print 
his  picture  all  over  the  Sphere  to-morrow  mornin* 
and  make  him  famous  for  half  a  hour!" 

Dunn  ducks  outside  and  in  a  coupla  minutes  he 
comes  back  with  the  prey.  The  sacrifice  wasn't  a 
bad  lookin'  kid  at  all  and  if  he  wasn't  well  built, 
then  neither  is  the  rock  of  Gibraltar.  Outside 
of  his  nose  bein*  a  little  outa  true  and  one  ear 
bearin'  a  remarkably  close  resemblance  to  a 
Brussels  sprout,  he  was  clean  and  wholesome 
lookin'. 

"Here!"  says  Dunn,  shovin'  him  over  to  us, 
''They's  a  coupla  gents  want  you  to  fight  for  the 
Joan  de  Ark  statue  or  somethin'  and 

"It's  for  the  Red  Cross,"  butts  in  the  sportin* 
editor. 

"What's  the  difference?"  says  Dunn,  kinda 
impatient  and  turnin'  to  the  kid.  "You  ain't 
gonna  get  a  nickel  for  this  and  you'll  prob'ly  have 
to  pay  your  own  carfare  and  buy  a  ticket  to  git 
into  the  club.  D'ye  wanna  fight?" 

"Sure!"  says  the  kid,  with  a  cheerfully  grin. 
"Where  is  this  joint?" 

"Fair  enough!"  says  the  sportin'  editor.  "I'll 
show  you — and  I'll  see  you  don't  lose  nothin'  by 
thia  either.  Now  we're  goin'  over  to  see  this 
Hooker-Brennan  fight  and " 

"So's  me  and  this  guy,"  butts  in  Dunn.     "His 


244     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

name's  Young  Kearny.  If  he  only  had  a  fight- 
in'  heart  he'd  be  a  champ  and  I'd  be  as  richs  a 
union  plumber.  Where  dy'e  want  us  to  meet 
you?" 

"We'll  all  go  over  together,"  says  the  sportin' 
editor,  nudgin'  me  and  in  another  minute,  Joe, 
we're  climbin'  into  my  limousine. 

Young  Kearny  starts  to  get  in  with  us  and  his 
manager  grabs  his  arm. 

"  One  side,  Stupid ! "  he  grunts.  "  You  ride  with 
the  chauffeur — us  guys  wants  to  talk!" 

"Well,"  says  the  sportin'  editor,  as  we're  rollin' 
away.  "They's  no  doubt  you  gimme  what  I 
ordered.  He's  a  bum,  all  right!  Why  he  don't 
seem  to  have  the  spirit  of  a  female  fawn.  How 
d'ye  get  him  in  a  ring — dope  him?" 

"Say!"  says  Dunn.  "That  kid  oughta  be 
welterweight  champion  right  now — get  me?  He's 
got  a  kick  like  TNT  and  he  can " 

"Listen!"  butts  in  the  sportin'  editor.  "Don't 
start  to  fill  me  fulla  hop  about  that  tramp  of  yours, 
simply  because  I'm  askin'  you  to  do  this  for  me. 
I'll  see  that  you  both  get  due  credit  for  helpin'  the 
Red  Cross,  but  if  you  are  gettin'  set  to  pull  any 
stuff  about  how  Young  Kearny  is  a " 

"Wait  a  minute!"  says  Dunn.  "Lemme  finish, 
will  you?  I  don't  claim  nothin'  for  Kearny,  but  I 
think  I  got  the  makin's  of  what  you  guys  calls 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        245 

copy  and  if  you  gimme  a  chance  I'll  tell  you 
somethin'  that  might  help  fill  that  rotten  column 
of  yours  some  mornin'." 

The  sportin'  editor  grins  again. 

"Tear  it  off,'*  he  says.  "Any  time  it  gets  too 
tough  to  take,  me  and  my  friend  can  always  throw 
you  outa  this  cab!" 

"Well,"  says  Dunn.  "In  one  word,  the  thing 
is  this — here's  a  kid  which  accordin*  to  all  the 
Marquis  of  Hoyle's  rules  oughta  be  welterweight 
champion  of  the  whole  place.  He's  knocked  out 
heavies — heavies,  mind  you — in  the  gym,  with  the 
ease  that  you  knock  out  your  wages  every  Satur 
day.  He  strips  like  Pysike  or  one  of  them  Italian 
gods  and  he  could  box  ten  rounds  under  a  rain 
storm  and  never  git  hit  by  a  drop  of  water.  If 
he's  yellah,  so  was  Belgium.  Yet  he  don't  git 
no  wheres !  Why  ? ' ' 

"The  other  guys  is  allowed  to  come  in  with  a 
axe  in  each  hand!"  guesses  the  sportin'  editor. 

"It's  a  good  thing  you  ain't  runnin'  the  comic 
page, "  snarls  Dunn,  "or  the  first  thing  you  knowed 
you'd  have  to  go  to  work!  I'll  tell  you  why 
Kearny  ain't  a  champ — he's  been  chasiri*  a  dream 
for  two  years!'* 

"I  thought  they  wouldn't  let  roughnecks  in  the 
Follies,"  says  the  sportin'  editor,  lookin'  interested. 
"So  they's  a  girl  in  the  case,  hey?  Let's  see  now 


246     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

— where  have  I  read  anything  like  that  before — 
lately?  " 

"Aw,  shut  up!"  says  Dunn.  "Say,  wise  guy — 
lemme  tell  you  this  in  my  own  way  and  then  you 
can  print  it  in  your  way  to-morrow  like  you  always 
do,  leavin'  out  the  best  of  the  stuff  that's  slipped 
you.  They  ain't  no  dame  mixed  up  in  this  at  all — 
the  only  woman  Kearny's  stuck  on  is  his  mother. 
So  that's  one  you  lose!" 

"I  still  got  some  money,"  says  the  sportin' 
editor.  "Shoot  the  piece!" 

"Right!"  says  Dunn  and  Joe,  their  sportin' 
expressions  is  all  Roman  to  me  because  really  you 
know,  them  roughnecks  has  a  language  of  their 
own.  "Now  here's  the  low  down  on  Kearny — 
take  it  or  give  it  to  the  A.  P.  This  kid  is  abso 
lutely  crazy  about — Kid  Brennan  !  Accordin'  to 
him,  Brennan  is  the  only  box  fighter  that  ever 
rubbed  his  feet  in  resin.  I  admit  and  so  do  you, 
that  when  Brennan  was  right  they  was  no  seven 
boys  in  his  class  which  could  even  muss  his  hair. 
I  concede  that  this  Brennan  baby  will  go  down  in 
history  as  one  of  the  greatest  scrappers  that  ever 
hung  another  guy  over  the  ropes,  but — he's 
through  now  and  has  been  for  three  years!  He 
don't  mean  nothin'  no  more.  He's  gone  where  the 
woodbine  twineth  and  the  like,  get  me?  That's 
why  this  fight  of  his  to-night  with  Knockout 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        247 

Hooker  is  a  outrage.  It  oughta  be  stopped !  Why 
poor  old  Brennan  will  be  lucky  to  last  a  round — 
you  know  that,  don't  you?" 

"I  ought  to,"  says  the  sportin'  editor.  "I 
wrote  a  two  column  roast  of  it  yesterday!" 

"Sure!"  says  Dunn,  "and  I  don't  blame  you. 
But  the  point  I'm  gettin'  at  is  this — Kid  Brennan 
is  a — a — well,  one  of  them  idol  things  to  Young 
Kearny.  That  boy  has  got  the  files  of  the  sportin' 
annuals  for  fifteen  years  back  and  he  knows  by 
heart  every  fight  Brennan  was  in.  Every  fight? 
Why  he  can  tell  you  every  punch  Brennan  missed 
since  the  old  master  first  climbed  through  the 
ropes!  He's  got  a  million  pictures  of  Brennan  in 
his  room.  I've  seen  him  before  a  lookin*  glass  the 
same  number  of  times  tryin'  to  pose  in  that  old 
style  awkward  way  which  they  all  did  in  the  days 
when  Brennan  was  a  world  beater.  Young 
Kearny  eats,  sleeps,  talks,  whistles,  hums,  thinks, 
and  dances  Kid  Brennan !  He  gets  in  the  ring  and 
tries  to  pose  in  front  of  these  tough  kids  the  way 
Brennan  did  when  boxin'  was  never  thought  of  in  a 
prize  ring.  The  result  is  that  some  third  rate 
bum  beats  him  up  where  if  he'd  ever  cut  loose  he'd 
knock  the  other  guy,  the  referee  and  the  ticket 
taker  with  the  one  wallop !  The  fact  that  Brennan 
has  come  and  gone  means  nothin'  in  Kearny 's 
young  life.  To  him,  Kid  Brennan  to-day  is  the 


248     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

greatest  fighter  the  world's  ever  seen.  If  you 
don't  believe  it,  mention  Brennan  to  him.  He'll 
never  give  you  no  chance  to  talk,  because  he'll  butt 
right  in  with  some  fight  Brennan  had  in  1905  with 
Cyclone  Williams  or  somebody  and  give  you  every 
round,  punch  by  punch!  Why  he  swore  to  me  that 
the  only  reason  he  ever  took  up  box  fightin'  him 
self  was  so's  he  could  be  a  guy  like  Kid  Brennan, 
that  poor  old  battered  up  has-been!" 

"  What's  Young  Kearny  done  for  himself  so  far?  " 
asks  the  sportin'  editor,  after  a  minute. 

"I  can't  even  lie  about  it,"  grunts  Dunn. 
"Nothin'J  And  say — here's  another  laugh.  He 
ducked  me  a  coupla  weeks  ago  when  Brennan  was 
trainin'  for  his  own  assassination  to-night.  Sure! 
Young  Kearny  went  over  to  Brennan's  camp  and 
asked  to  be  took  on  as  a  sparrin'  partner — so's  he 
could  for  once  get  a  close  up  of  Brennan,  he  told 
me.  Well,  they  give  him  a  chance.  The  minute 
he  stood  up  before  Brennan  for  the  first  time,  the 
guy  he'd  been  born  and  raised  on  you  might  say, 
he  went  into  a  trance  and  Brennan  knocked  him 
kickin'  with  a  punch  my  five  year  old  baby  could 
of  blocked.  Then  they  throwed  him  out  on  his 
ear  and  Brennan  himself  told  him  he'd  never 
make  a  fighter — because  he  was  yellah !  Can  you 
imagine  that?  That's  why  I  don't  want  you 
guys  to  tell  him  who  he's  gonna  box  for  the 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        249 

Knights  of  the  Pythias,  or  whatever  it  is,  to-night. 
If  he  thought  he  was  gonna  fight  Knockout  Hooker 
he'd  never  go  near  the  buildin' !  I  wanna  take  him 
over  to  Newark  first  and  let  him  see  Kid  Brennan, 
which  is  his  religion  you  might  say,  get  murdered 
and  that  will  kill  that  part  of  it  forever.  Then  I'll 
rush  him  up  and  let  him  box  the  champ.  I  don't 
care  whether  he  gets  plastered  or  not,  because 
I'm  about  set  to  turn  him  loose  anyways.  I've 
bio  wed  a  lotta  jack  on  that  guy — and  I'm  through!'* 

Well,  Joe,  we  rode  along  for  quite  a  while  with 
out  no  remarks  from  nobody.  Then  the  sportin* 
editor  borrehs  a  pencil  from  me  and  commences 
writin'  on  the  backs  of  some  letters  he  chanced  to 
have  in  his  pocket.  Fin'ly  he  says  to  Young 
Kearny's  amiable  manager. 

"Suppose  Kearny  refuses  to  go  on  at  this  Red 
Cross  benefit  when  he  finds  he's  up  against  Knock 
out  Hooker?" 

"If  he  don't  goon, "  snarls  Dunn,  "you'll  gitareal 
story — because  I'll  brain  him  with  the  bucket!" 

We  mill  our  way  into  the  fight  club  at  Newark, 
Joe,  just  as  the  main  bout  is  bein'  announced. 
Immediately  a  guy  in  a  box  back  of  us  whispers, 
"Three  to  one  Brennan  don't  stay  the  limit!" 

"I  got  it!"  hollers  Young  Kearny,  draggin'  out 
a  ten  dollar  bill  which  could  of  easily  stood  a  trip 
to  any  good  laundry. 


250     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"You're  crazy,  you  boob!"  hisses  his  manager. 

"Forget  it!"  remarks  Kearny,  "I  only  wisht 
I  had  a  million  to  bet  at  the  same  odds.  Kid 
Brennan  will  murder  this  guy!" 

Then  the  bell  rung. 

Joe,  let  us  draw  the  veil  on  what  followed.  All  I 
remember  is  more  noise  than  they  was  at  the 
Marne  and  nearly  as  much  action.  Knockout 
Hooker  was  a  young  and  ambitious  man  which 
swung  a  mean  right.  Kid  Brennan  was  game — 
and  that's  all!  Long  before  the  referee  yielded 
to  the  majority  and  stopped  the  fight,  /  had  got 
enough  and  I  seen  Chateau-Thierry.  The  champ 
simply  battered  the  grand  old  man  from  pillar  to 
post,  hittin'  him  with  everything  but  the  gate 
receipts,  and  it  was  stopped  in  the  second  round 
to  save  Knockout  Hooker  from  goin'  to  the  chair 
for  premeditated  murder. 

Well,  Joe,  the  champ  bowed  to  the  bughouse 
mob,  leaped  over  the  ropes  and  skipped  to  his 
dressin'  room  where  he  had  a  engagement  with  me 
practically  immediately.  The  crowd  filed  out, 
still  keepin'  up  the  noise  and  pretty  soon  me  and 
the  sportin'  editor  and  Young  Kearny  and  his 
manager  was  alone.  Alone,  Joe,  except  that 
over  in  a  corner  of  that  bloody  ring  sat  a  guy 
which  at  one  time  had  set  these  same  kinda  crowds 
crazy  and  now  they  don't  even  slip  him  a  back- 


TEE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        251 

ward  glance.  Even  his  seconds  lias  beat  it 
somewheres  and  as  the  lights  here  and  there  begins 
to  go  out,  a  hanger  on  is  moppin '  off  Kid  Brennan's 
face  with  a  dirty  towel.  Such  is  life  in  the  prize 
ring,  Joe — and  every wheres  else!  It  was  Young 
Kearny's  manager  that  yanked  me  aways  from  my 
thoughts. 

"Well,  there's  that!"  he  bellers  in  Kearny's 
ear.  "Are  you  satisfied  now  that  Kid  Brennan  is 
through?" 

Young  Kearny  starts  like  somebody  had  wal 
loped  him. 

"Through  hell!9'  he  says,  "Brennan  stalled  so's 
he  could  git  another  date  with  this  Hooker  baby 
and  grab  the  big  money.  Knockout  Hooker  never 
seen  the  day  he  could  trim  Brennan!  Why— 

"Aw  come  on — less  git  outa  here!"  bawls  his 
manager,  "I'm  about  fill  up  on  you  and  Brennan. 
You  can  see  now  where  folleyin'  that  guy  has 
got  you,  you  boneheaded  tramp !  I  can 

But,  Joe,  they  ain't  no  Young  Kearny  to  talk  to. 
He  has  climbed  through  the  ropes  and  is  standin* 
in  the  middle  of  the  ring  lookin '  at  Brennan,  which 
is  just  about  gettin'  to  where  he  can  recognize  close 
relatives.  At  this  point  Knockout  Hooker's 
manager  comes  up. 

"Git  your  bum  and  let's  git  up  to  that  Red 
Cross  thing!"  he  says  to  the  sportin'  editor,  "I 


252     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

can't  keep  my  boy  up  all  night.  Say — is  they  any 
chanct  of  gittin'  a  drink  up  there?" 

"Shut  up — you!"  snaps  the  sportin'  editor, 
grabbin'  my  arm  and  not  even  lookin'  at  him, 
"Come  on!"  he  says  to  me.  "This  is  gonna  be 
good!"  and  with  that,  Joe,  he  pulls  me  into  the 
ring. 

We're  on  Young  Kearny's  heels  when  he 
shuffles  up  to  the  once  great  Brennan  and  stands 
there  twiddlin'  his  thumbs  and  lickin'  his  lips 
like  a  kid  up  before  the  principal  for  bein '  late  for 
school.  Brennan  is  lookin'  down  at  the  floor, 
Joe,  still  more  or  less  dazed  and  all  the  company 
he's  got  is  the  bucket  and  a  towel.  And  once  a 
English  king  congratulated  him  for  knockin' 
a  English  champ  cold! 

Tough,  hey  Joe? 

"Mister  Brennan,"  stammers  Young  Kearny 
suddenly,  like  he  was  addressin'  the  Court  of 
Special  Sessions,  charged  with  burnin'  the  orphan 
asylum  and  had  been  caught  with  a  can  of  gasoline 
and  a  torch,  "Mister  Brennan — I — guess  you 
don't  remember  me,  but — ah — it  seems  that — as 
a  matter  of  fact  I  do  a  little  scrappin'  my 
self.  I — well — I'm  Young  Kearny — I  mean  I 
fight  under  that  name  and — to  be  exact  my 
real  name  is  Anthony  H.  Pizzaro — and  I — I'm 
awful  sorry  that  guy  outlucked  you  to-night, 


but  I  know  you'll  knock  him  for  a  goal  the  next 
time!" 

Brennan  slowly  looks  up,  turnin'  that  butchered 
face  of  his  into  the  calcium  that  was  still  lit  over 
the  ring,  Joe,  and  I  must  say  I  have  seen  easier 
faces  to  look  at.  This  here  Knockout  Hooker  had 
certainly  did  a  workmanlike  job!  First  Kid 
Brennan  don't  seem  to  see  anything  but  the  empty 
seats  and  the  fact  that  he's  all  by  himself.  Then 
he  slowly  looks  up  at  Kearny,  whilst  that  young 
gentleman  looks  like  he  would  fain  vanish  through 
the  floor^  as  a  result  of  him  havin'  the  nerve  to 
speak  to  Brennan. 

" Thanks,  Tony!"  he  whispers  fin'ly  through 
his  puffed  lips,  stickin'  out  his  hand.  "Yeh — 
I  know  you.  I  seen  you  work  and  you're  a  good 
boy,  too.  Hooker  fouled  me,  or  I  would  of 
knocked  him  dead  in  another  punch!" 

Kearny  takes  the  hand — tries  to  speak  and  can't 
and  then  his  manager  hustles  him  outa  the  ring, 
Joe,  and  also  outa  the  life  of  Kid  Brennan. 

Of  course  even  I,  which  knows  little  of  the  prize 
fightin',  am  wise  to  the  fact  that  Kid  Brennan's 
alibi  about  the  foul  thing  was  idiotical.  He  was 
licked  to  a  fare-thee-well  by  a  younger  and  better 
man — and  there's  that!  But  the  effect  of  him 
talkin'  to  Young  Kearny  was  remarkable.  This 
kid  walks  outa  the  club  like  a  guy  in  a  trance— 


254     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

his  eyes  is  shinin'  and  he's  mutterin'  to  himself. 
Suddenly  he  swings  around  and  straightens  up. 

" Say — did  you  hear  him? "  he  says.  "He  called 
me  Tony — Kid  Brennan  shook  my  hand  and 
called  me  Tony!  Pretty  poor,  eh?" 

"Aw  shut  up,  you  boob!"  snarls  his  manager, 
as  we  climbed  into  the  car  again.  "Forget  about 
Brennan.  You'll  prob'ly  have  a  guy  countin' 
over  you  in  another  hour!" 

Young  Kearny  settles  back  in  the  cushions  and 
sighs. 

"Let's  see  now,"  he  murmurs,  speakin'  directly 
to  himself,  "I  walked  up  and  I  says,  *  Mister 
Brennan,  I  feel  sorry*  and  Kid  Brennan  says, 
*  Well,  Tony '" 

Dunn  let  forth  a  coupla  choice  oaths  and 
throwed  the  lap  robe  at  him. 

Knockout  Hooker  and  his  manager  folleyed  us 
in  their  own  car  all  the  way  up  to  the  Red's  Cross 
carnival,  Joe,  and  we  went  straight  to  the  golfin' 
club  gym  which  was  jammed  to  the  doors  with  the 
creams  of  society,  both  the  male  and  female. 
The  six  bathin*  beauties,  still  in  their  California 
movie  costumes,  was  in  a  box  the  rest  of  which  was 
filled  with  guys  which  from  all  the  attention  they 
was  pay  in'  to  the  ring  they  could  of  been  a  knittin' 
bee  goin'  on  in  there  instead  of  a  box  fight. 

"Who's  this  guy  I'm  gonna  fight,  hey?"  scowls 


TEE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        255 

the  ferociously  Hooker,  whilst  gettin*  into  his 
ring's  costume  in  the  dressin'  room. 

"Young  Kearny,"  I  says.  "I  guess  he  won't 
give  you  no  trouble  and " 

"You  guess,  hey?"  he  snarls.  "I'll  let  that 
tramp  stay  about  two  rounds  and  then  you  can  git 
the  shutter  ready  to  carry  him  out.  I  gotta  git 
to  bed  early  to-night!" 

Joe,  he  certainly  was  a  tough  lookin*  baby 
when  disrobed  and  I  must  say  I  felt  sorry  for 
Young  Kearny.  I  made  up  my  mind  I  wouldst 
stop  it  the  minute  the  goin'  got  too  messy  for  the 
boy. 

The  crowd  had  been  put  on  edge  by  a  coupla 
preliminary  bouts,  one  of  which  had  wound  up  by  a 
knockout  and  when  Hooker  and  Young  Kearny 
stepped  into  the  ring  they  was  gave  a  cheer  which 
would  of  satisfied  Dempsey.  I  got  quite  a 
pleasantly  surprise  when  Young  Kearny  throwed 
off  his  bathrobe,  because  no  matter  whether  he 
was  a  beaucoup  mauler  or  not,  he  certainly  looked 

like  four  aces  to  me.     The  way  them  arm  and 

«. 

shoulder  muscles  rolled  and  rippled  under  his  skin 
was  very  comfortin '. 

His  manager  and  the  sportin'  editor  is  in  his 
corner.  I'm  refereein'  the  thing. 

"If  this  kid  puts  up  any  kind  of  an  argument  at 
all,"  remarks  the  sportin'  editor,  "I'll  give  him  a 


256     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

column  boost  in  the  mornin'.  I'd  part  with  my 
left  ear  to  see  him  stay  the  limit!" 

"Your  ears  is  safe!"  says  Kearny's  manager. 
"When  he  realizes  he's  been  thro  wed  in  there 
against  the  welterweight  champ,  he  won't  have 
brains  enough  left  to  put  his  hands  up.  It  ain't 
bein'  yellah — it's  nerves!  Now  if " 

Young  Kearny  has  gazed  across  the  ring  and 
seen  Knockout  Hooker.  He  gets  pale  and  turns 
on  his  manager. 

"What's  the  idea,  hey?"  he  whispers.  "I 
can't  do  nothin'  with  that  guy — he'll  about 
murder  me!  Does  the  Red  Cross  have  to  see  a 
execution  to-night?" 

"What  did  I  tell  you?"  sneers  his  manager  to  us. 
"Why  that " 

"Shut  up!"  bawls  the  sportin'  editor.  He  hops 
into  the  ring  and  leans  over  the  kid. 

"Go  in  there  and  kill  that  tramp,  Kearny!"  he 
says.  "If  you  even  make  a  fair  showin'  I'll  force 
him  to  give  you  a  fight  for  the  title  and  even  if 
you  lose  that  one,  think  of  the  jack  you'll  drag 
down!  Hooker's  nothin'  but  a  lucky  false  alarm 
and  you  know  it.  And  remember — he's  the  guy 
that  beat  up  Kid  Brennan  to-night,  the  greatest 
fighter  that  ever  lived!" 

Kearny's  eyes  flashes  a  little,  Joe,  and  then  he 
licks  his  lips. 


TEE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS        257 

"I  dunno,"  he  says,  shakin'  his  head.  "He's  a 
terrible  tough  baby,  Hooker  is.  He  must  be  good 
— he's  the  champ,  ain't  he?" 

Then  the  bell  rang. 

Kearny  was  very  slow  gettin '  to  the  centre  of  the 
ring,  Joe,  and  he  was  white  faced  and  as  nervous 
as  a  cat.  Knockout  Hooker  met  him  with  a 
snarlin'  rush  that  carried  'em  both  to  the  ropes, 
but  Kearny  managed  to  fight  himself  free  and  land 
a  feeble  left  to  the  champ's  face.  The  chance 
wallop  seemed  to  get  Hooker's  goat,  or  maybe  it 
was  the  crowd  yelljn' — (Bankers  and  brokers  can 
get  as  excited  as  longshoremen,  Joe — you  oughta 
see  the  stock  exchange)  at  any  rate,  he  works  his 
man  over  to  the  middle  of  the  ring  and  with  a 
evilly  smile  on  his  face  begins  to  deliberately  hook 
and  chop  him  to  pieces.  It  looked  to  me  like  he 
could  of  bounced  Kearny  at  any  time,  but  he 
didn't  wanna  do  that — he  wanted  to  cut  him  up 
first  to  show  the  crowd  what  a  dude  he  was  with 
his  hands.  In  less  than  two  minutes,  Kearny 's 
face  is  one  big  bloody  bruise  and  they  was  only 
one  eye  available  for  seein*  with.  The  ladies 
begin  to  yell  "Stop  it!"  and  I  stepped  over  to  do 
that  thing  when  Hooker  begin  to  talk  to  Kearny. 

"You're  a  fine  tramp!"  he  sneers,  choppin'  the 
raw  face  in  front  of  him  with  a  wicked  jab.  "Who 
ever  give  you  the  idea  you  could  fight,  hey?" 


258     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

"Kid  Brennan!"  pants  Kearny,  the  one  good 
eye  glarin*  at  Hooker  like  a  searchlight. 

Hooker  bust  right  out  laughin'  and  actually 
dropped  his  hands  for  a  second. 

"Kid  Brennan?"  he  shrieks.  "That  poor  old 
cripple  I  pushed  over  to-night,  hey?  That's 
rich!"  He  hooks  a  left  flush  to  Kearny's  jaw. 
"Kid  Brennan"  he  snarls.  "Well  you  and  him 
sells  for  a  dime  the  set.  Tyburn!" 

"Bum?"  roars  Kearny,  straightenin '  up,  "Kid 
Brennan  a  bum  ?  Why  you  big " 

Joe,  I  was  just  gonna  tap  Hooker  on  the  shoulder 
and  send  him  to  his  corner  when  it  happened. 
Kearny  whipped  over  a  nasty  left  to  the  startled 
Hooker's  chin  and  whilst  the  champ's  knees  was 
still  saggin',  the  kid  crosses  with  his  right  and 
Knockout  Hooker  was  sleepin'  peacefully  when  I 
counted — "ten  and  out!" 

When  Knockout  Hooker  come  to  life  and  was 
engaged  in  askin'  was  they  many  killed  when  the 
roof  fell  in,  the  sportin'  editor,  Young  Kearny  and 
his  half  hysterical  manager  is  standin'  over  him. 
The  sportin'  editor  leans  down. 

"And  furthermore,  you  bum,"  he  growls  in 
Hooker's  face,  "I'll  hound  you  in  my  paper  'til 
you  give  Kearny  a  real  fight  for  the  title — I  only 
wish  you  guys  had  been  made  to  weigh  in  before 
this  bout  and  Kearny'd  be  champion  now!^  He 


THE  NIGHTS  OF  COLOMBUS       259 

winks  at  me  and  turns  to  Young  Kearny.  "Kid 
Brennan  himself  couldn't  of  done  a  better  job 
when  he  was  at  his  best!"  he  says. 

Young  Kearny  throws  back  his  shoulders,  grins 
and  looks  at  the  welterweight  champ  bein '  carried 
to  his  corner. 

"Hell!"  he  says,  in  a  different  voice  than  I  ever 
had  heard  him  use,  Joe,  "I  think  /  could  of  licked 
Brennan  the  best  day  he  ever  seen!" 
Yours  truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (Deputy  Sheriff 
of  Shantung). 


CHAPTER  IX 
THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS 

NINTH  INNING 

In  the  Midst  of  My  Cellar, 

Harmony  Hall,  N.  Y 
DEAR  AND  ETC.  JOSEPH  : 

Well,  Joe,  no  doubt  you  will  gasp  with  surprise 
when  you  see  I  am  writin'  this  in  my  cellar,  but  I 
am  not  down  here  for  the  reasons  that  you  prob'ly 
think,  which  is  that  I  have  gone  to  work  and  laid 
in  a  stock  of  the  Keeley  Cure  antidote  since  pro 
hibition  become  the  latest  state  to  join  the  union. 
As  you  know,  I  at  no  time  was  a  hound  for  the 
demoniac  rum,  only  takin'  a  few  seidels  of  Scotch 
or  the  like  now  and  then  rather  than  offend  a 
friend  or  the  etc.  Also  when  the  ratification 
epidemic  ravaged  the  country  I  made  up  my  mind 
I  would  start  right  in  to  shun  the  saloons  instead 
of  waitin'  'til  the  doors  of  the  same  was  slammed 
in  my  face.  But  of  course  if  a  guy  finds  himself  to 
be  dissatisfied  with  the  liquid  conditions  hi  the 
United  States  at  the  present  he  can  go  to  the 
countries  of  Rhode  Island  or  New  Jersey,  both  of 

260 


which  has  taken  the  stand  that  you  can  lead  a  man 
to  water  but  you  cannot  make  him  drink  it,  except 
as  a  chaser. 

The  real  reason  that  I  am  writin*  this  letter 
down  in  the  cellar  amongst  the  coal  and  bottles  of 
grape  juice  with  the  conventional  three  raisins 
and  a  yeast  cake  inside  of  them,  is  because  I  have 
now  became  a  valet  to  my  furnace  which  I  have 
taken  the  liberty  of  namin'  Bombardier  Wells 
after  the  English  heavyweight,  on  account  of  it 
always  goin'  out.  This  forty  dollar  the  week 
chauffeur  which  we  need  the  same  way  I  need  a 
third  ear,  claims  he  was  hired  as  a  engineer  and  not 
as  a  fireman  and  if  he  wanted  to  shovel  coal 
for  a  livin'  he  never  would  of  wasted  his  time 
goin'  to  night  school,  and  the  two  maids  simply 
give  vent  to  hysterically  laughter  when  I  gently 
inquired  would  they  look  after  the  furnace.  So 
bein'  faced  with  a  mutiny  on  all  sides,  Joe,  with 
the  winter  in  the  full  sway  and  it  bein'  as  hard  to 
get  help  here  as  it  would  be  to  get  frost  bitten  in 
Southern  Hades,  they  is  nothin'  left  for  me  to  do 
but  go  down  in  the  cellar  several  tunes  a  day  and 
mingle  with  the  ashes  and  the  etc. 

Joe,  if  a  man  is  born  to  be  a  coal  heaver  he  might 
as  well  be  one  and  be  done  with  it,  because  they  is 
no  use  tryui'  to  dodge  your  destination  as  Napo 
leon  had  the  habit  of  remarkin',  unless  of  course 


262     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

let  us  take  Germany  for  the  example  where  some 
years  ago  a  guy  which  was  born  for  the  ash  heap 
was  made  kaiser  but  is  now  occupyin'  his  proper 
position  and  here  only  a  short  while  ago  them  guys 
elected  a  president  which  was  born  a  saddlemaker 
and  so  far  he  can  hardly  tell  the  difference. 

Now  here  in  the  U.  S.,  Joe,  it  don't  matter  what 
stations  of  life  you  manage  to  get  born  in,  because 
a  poor  man  has  the  same  chance  as  a  well  fixed 
millionaire  and  both  is  equal  in  the  eyes  of  their 
fellow  citizens — the  minute  they  are  dead.  If  you 
will  devote  some  attention  to  the  newspapers  you 
will  see  pretty  near  every  day  where  some  guy 
which  has  lucked  his  way  to  the  top  of  the  heap 
tells  the  world  just  how  he  was  able  to  raise  him 
self  from  bein'  valet  to  the  cows,  pigs  and  chickens 
away  out  west  in  Philadelphia  or  some  of  our  other 
farmin '  lands  at  $7.50  the  year,  to  bein '  now  com 
mander  in  chief  of  the  Insipid  Succotash  Foundry 
at  $500,000  a  week,  outside  of  commissions.  Joe, 
in  case  they  is  no  newspapers  available,  I  will  tell 
you  how  all  them  articles  reads,  because  I  have 
made  somethin'  of  a  study  of  them  in  a  effort  to 
find  out  if  they  wasn't  one  of  them  guys  at  the 
least  which  had  climbed  to  success  that  started  life 
with  a  college  education,  moderately  fixed  parents, 
a  lotta  influential  friends  and  a  good  salary.  But, 
Joe,  after  readin*  the  confessions  of  about  1,000  of 


THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      263 

our  great  men  I  am  convinced  that  all  the  things 
I  have  just  mentioned  is  a  terrible  handicap  to  a 
youth  which  is  startin '  out  to  take  the  universe  and 
make  it  like  it.  It  seems  that  all  the  education 
any  of  them  successes  ever  had  was  barely  enough 
to  tell  how  much  is  1  and  2,  all  their  parents  was  so 
poor  that  the  first  time  they  seen  the  almshouse 
they  thought  it  was  Buckin'ham  Palace,  they  went 
through  hardships  which  would  make  a  voyage  to 
the  North's  Pole  seem  like  a  stroll  through  Central 
Park,  nobody  ever  helped  them  with  as  much  as  a 
pleasant  grin  and  fin'ly,  through  gettin*  up  to 
hustle  at  3.30  A.  M.  in  the  mornin's  and  studyin5 
the  Lives  of  the  Saints  at  nights  instead  of  wilin' 
away  the  golden  hours  at  stud  poker,  they  arrived 
at  the  top.  Joe,  none  of  them  guys  has  any  hesi 
tation  about  comin'  right  out  with  all  that  stuff 
whether  they  done  it  or  not,  so  I  would  suggest  if 
you  wanna  get  over,  you  better  quit  whatever 
you  are  doin '  for  a  livin '  now  and  get  a  job  some- 
wheres  as  a  street  cleaner  or  the  like  to  start  and 
in  no  time  at  all  you  will  prob'ly  have  a  bankroll 
which  will  make  Rockefeller  and  Morgan  go 
around  moanin'  and  gnashin*  their  teeth. 

I  am  a  hopeless  case  myself  and  have  no  chance 
to  get  anywheres,  because  I  went  as  far  as  the  sixth 
grade  in  school  instead  of  not  goin '  near  the  joint 
at  all  and  also  my  parents  was  fairly  well  off  and  I 


264     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

never  had  to  work  in  no  stable  or  nothin',  so  you 
can  see  my  chances  was  killed  at  the  start,  hey 
Joe? 

Well,  to  get  away  from  all  this  which  only  goes  to 
show  I  am  gettin'  old  and  the  etc.  when  I  commence 
to  hand  around  advice,  Xmas  has  came  and  went, 
Joe,  and  it  has  left  me  as  usually  without  the 
price  of  a  sunburn  in  the  Sara  Desert.  It's  a  good 
thing  that  the  Yuletide  is  all  settled  in  one  day  and 
ain't  a  World's  Series  or  I  would  step  right  from  the 
festively  board  into  the  poorhouse.  As  it  is,  I  will 
be  in  hock  for  about  six  months  payin'  installment 
collectors  for  the  various  gifts  I  lavished  on  my  so 
called  friends  and  my  undoubtedly  wife  and 
family.  All  I  got  back  for  my  investment  was  a 
belt  from  Phil  Bloom  which  looks  very  suspiciously 
like  the  one  I  gave  him  last  Xmas  with  the  buckle 
shined  up  and  I  wish  now  I  had  marked  it  last 
year.  They  was  also  four  ties  come  by  the  via 
of  the  mail  and  if  I  ever  get  crazy  enough  to  wear 
any  one  of  *em  I  will  have  to  put  dimmers  on  it 
or  the  public  will  go  blind.  I  got  at  the  least  200 
cards  which  says  on  'em  "Wishin*  You  A  Jovial 
Xmas  and  A  Elegant  New  Years  "  and  which  don't 
mean  noChin',  because  the  only  guy  which  ever  got 
anything  by  the  via  of  wishin'  was  a  young  feller 
by  the  name  of  Aladdin. 

Joe,  I  give  Jeanne,  for  the  example,  a  diamond 


THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      265 

broach,  pin  which  every  stone  in  it  is  so  full  of  fire 
and  life  you  could  take  it  in  a  dark  room  and  read 
with  it,  not  that  we  have  to  and  in  return  she  give 
me  a  china  set  of  dishes  to  go  in  the  show  case 
which  adorns  the  diner  of  our  mutual  castle.  I 
will  no  doubt  have  a  lot  of  rare  sport  these  long 
winter  nights  playin'  house  with  them  dishes  and 
I  expect  the  doll  which  goes  with  the  set  to  arrive 
at  any  minute. 

However,  Joe,  although  I  didn't  grab  off  enough 
presents  to  have  to  hire  no  Burns  detectives  to 
watch  'em,  my  baby  present  me  with  a  smokin' 
jacket  which  has  got  four  more  colours  in  it  than 
I  ever  knowed  existed.  As  he  is  somethin'  under 
three  years  old,  I  think  it  was  really  a  remarkably 
thing  for  him  to  walk  downtown  by  himself, 
sneakin'  away  no  doubt  whilst  Jeanne  wasn't 
lookin'  and  pick  me  out  this  jacket.  He  must  of 
done  that,  Joe,  because  they  was  a  card  come  with 
it  which  says,  ie,  "To  Father — From  Little 
Wilson."  Now,  Joe,  when  you  figure  the  age  of 
my  baby  is  about  2^  years  in  the  round  numbers 
and  then  stop  to  consider  that  he  went  out  and 
bought  that  smokin'  jacket  all  by  himself  and  on 
the  top  of  that  feat  was  able  to  write  the  card  that 
went  with  it,  you  will  see  that  he  is  some  infant 
and  when  he  grows  up  will  no  doubt  be  the  sensa 
tion  of  Wall  Street  at  the  least.  Now  as  to  the 


266     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

smokin'  jacket  itself ,  I  ain't  quite  figured  out  how  to 
smoke  it  as  yet,  but  it  is  prob'ly  to  be  cut  up  and 
used  in  a  pipe  in  the  lew  of  tobacco  and  from  the 
perfume  of  the  average  pipe  I  am  positive  that 
smokin'  jackets  must  be  the  fuel  used  therein. 

Eddie  Stevens,  which  don't  believe  Colombus 
discovered  America  because  he  wasn't  there  to  see 
it,  claims  I  am  crazy  when  I  tell  him  what  my 
baby  done  and  he  says  the  child's  mother  prob'ly 
procured  me  the  gift  but  had  it  fixed  up  to  seem  the 
other  way  on  account  of  how  cute  it  looks.  Well, 
you  can  see  that  is  nothin'  but  professional 
jealousy,  Joe,  because  Eddie  is  a  father  himself 
and  they  ain't  no  half  dozen  of  his  kids  has  got 
brains  enough  to  equip  a  gnat,  hey  Joe? 

I  have  not  yet  gave  up  all  hope  with  regard  to 
the  Xmas  presents  due  me,  because  I  figure  that 
the  bulk  of  the  people  which  enjoyed  my  generous- 
ity  had  no  idea  I  wouldst  recall  them  around  Dec. 
25  and  they  are  now  dashin'  madly  around  tryin* 
to  pick  up  things  here  and  there  for  me  which 
cost  at  the  least  within  $5  of  what  I  gave  them. 
I  have  done  the  same  things  manys  the  time  my 
self,  Joe.  Let  us  take  for  the  example,  last  year 
when  Shorty  Wells  come  through  at  the  twelfth 
hour  with  a  cigarette  container  for  me  and  I  had 
to  hop  out  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  you  might  say, 
and  purchase  him  a  shirt,  explainin'  the  delay  by 


TEE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      267 

sayin'  they  had  forgot  to  put  in  the  stripes  and  I 
had  to  wait  for  them. 

Well,  Joe,  they  was  one  Xmas  present  I  got 
from  my  beautifully  wife  which  I  will  recall  for 
some  time,  as  it  come  near  havin'  the  both  of  us 
make  the  acquaintance  of  the  divorce  lawyers,  a 
thing  I  have  always  try  to  avoid.  This  gift  was 
delivered  a  coupla  weeks  before  Xmas  and  was  as 
much  of  a  surprise  to  me  as  the  Anti-Saloon 
League  was  to  the  bartenders'  union  and  also, 
Joe,  I  am  in  the  position  to  say  that  it  was  the 
same  kind  of  a  surprise. 

The  present  was  imported  from  France  and  was 
in  the  shape  of  Jeanne's  family  on  her  mother's 
and  father's  side. 

Joe,  one  mornin'  I  was  peacefully  dreamin'of 
the  various  things  a  successfully  movin'  picture 
hero  like  me  will  select  to  dream  of  and  I  was 
just  in  the  midst  of  sternly  wavin'  aside  the 
charmin'ly  princess  which  craved  to  wed  me,  the 
while  remarkin '  like  they  did  in  the  times  of  Looey 
the  14,  "What  the  ho,  my  lady.  Od's  blood, 
s'death  and  whoops  my  dear!  Strike  me  pink, 
but  my  heart  is  anothers ! "  and  things  was  breakin ' 
like  that  for  me  in  this  dream,  Joe,  when  I  was 
woke  up  by  somebody  shakin'  my  shoulder  from 
the  one  side  to  the  other.  As  the  result  of  this, 
in  no  time  at  all  my  head  banged  up  against  the 


268     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

side  of  the  bed  and  I  leaped  to  a  sittin'  position 
and  let  forth  the  followin'  whilst  I  waved  a  im- 
aginery  sword,  which  is  the  kind  that  Congress 
give  me  for  what  I  done  in  France. 

"Zounds  and  the  etc.,  varlet !  Unhand  me  or  the 
chances  is  I'll  run  you  through,  Oh  yea  the  verily!" 

Joe,  the  night  before  I  had  read  words  to  that 
effect  to  the  accompaniment  of  eatin'  Welch's 
Rabbit  in  a  book  called,  "On  Account  of  Monte 
Cristo."  Well,  with  that  I  open  two  of  my  eyes 
and  there  is  Jeanne  bendin'  over  me  and  laughin'. 
If  they  is  anything  prettier  than  Jeanne  in  the 
mornin'  or  whilst  we  are  on  the  subject,  in  the 
afternoon  or  evenin'  either,  Joe,  then  so  far  I  have 
missed  it! 

"Edouard!"  she  says,  still  gigglin',  "What  then 
means  those  strange  language  to  Jeanne?  " 

By  that  time,  Joe,  I  was  fully  awake  and  a  glance 
around  the  room  showed  me  I  was  safe  in  my  own 
home  and  not  battlin'  with  a  bevy  of  gay  musket's 
ears  or  the  like. 

"What's  the  idea  of  wakin'  me  when  I  was  in  the 
midst  of  bein'  the  hero  of  a  historically  romance?  " 
I  says. 

"Arise!"  says  Jeanne.  "I  have  for  you  the 
delightful  surprise.  Ah,  oui  /" 

Joe,  I  prepared  for  the  worst.  Whenever  a 
woman  says  she  has  got  a  pleasant  surprise  for 


TEE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      269 

you,  watch  your  step!  I'll  lay  eight  to  five  that 
Salome  told  John  the  Baptist  she  had  a  pleasant 
surprise  for  him  right  before  she  demanded  his 
head  for  a  watch  fob. 

"What  has  happened  now?"  I  says,  leapin* 
from  the  bed.  "Don't  tell  me  they  is  anything 
wrong  with  my  baby!" 

"Mon  Dieu  /"  remarks  Jeanne,  a  flash  of  ivory 
tintin'  the  rose  of  her  cheeks.  "Always  you  think 
of  the  most  horrible  thing.  Little  Wilson  is  safe, 
but  you  must  dress  quickly  for  we  have  to  go  at 
once  to -the  river!" 

"Where  d'ye  get  that  we  stuff?"  I  says,  still 
in  the  clutches  of  the  amazement. 

Her  answer  is  to  dash  to  the  'phone  and  order 
the  car  at  the  door  in  ten  minutes.  Then  she 
rushes  into  the  bath's  room,  turns  on  the  water 
and  hurls  my  bath's  robe  at  me. 

"Hurry!"  she  says.  "We  have  but  an  hour 
to  get  to  the  boat." 

"Say  listen!"  I  asks.  "Would  you  mind  givin* 
me  a  faintly  idea  of  what  this  boat  and  river  stuff  is 
all  about?" 

Well,  Joe,  at  that  Jeanne  comes  over  and  places  a 
arm  around  my  manly  neck.  Then  she  releases  a 
smile  which  as  usually  makes  me  dizzy  and  says. 

"Avec  plaisir  !  We  go  to  that  pier  and  meet 
le  vapeur — what  you  call  the  steamer  from  Bor- 


270     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

deaux.  Did  not  Jeanne  say  she  have  the  surprise 
for  you?" 

Joe,  I  begin  to  fear  for  the  worst! 

"Who  is  comin'  on  this  boat,  hey?"  I  says, 
kinda  weak. 

Jeanne  keeps  that  smile  in  high  and  her  face 
lights  all  up. 

'* Mon  famille,"  she  answers.  "Le  pere,  le  mere, 
lefrere,  le  sere  /" 

"Never  mind  the  song,"  I  says,  "and  try  to 
speak  a  occasional  word  of  English,  will  you? 
That  pere  le  mere  stuff  don't  mean  nothin'  to  me. 
Who  are  we  gonna  greet?" 

"Parfait!"  she  remarks.  "It  is  then  my 
mother,  my  father,  my  brother,  my  sister  and 
Toto  arrive  to-day.  Now,  is  not  the  surprise 
charmant?" 

I  get  what  is  known  as  aghast,  Joe,  and  sink 
back  on  the  bed  with  a  moan.  For  a  long  time 
Jeanne  had  been  threatenin'  to  bring  her  family 
over  here,  but  I  had  always  been  able  to  stall  her 
off  before  by  either  gifts  or  threats  of  reprisals  and 
this  here  come  like  a  shower  of  bricks  from  the 
clear  sky. 

"Who  is  Toto?"  I  says,  the  minute  I  am  able 
to  speak  at  all.  "Your  aunt?" 

"Viola  /"  says  Jeanne.  "Non,  non,  non,  non  I 
Toto  is  le  chien. " 


THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      271 

"What  the — what  in  the  name  of  North 
Dakota  is  a  chien?"  I  gasps. 

"A  dog — stupid,"  says  Jeanne.  "Hurry  then, 
your  bath  will  be  cold." 

"I  ain't  thinkin'  about  no  bath  now,"  I  says. 
"This  here's  very  serious  to  me.  I  thought  you 
would  be  the  last  one  on  earth  to  double  cross  me, 
Jeanne  and  yet  the  first  time  my  back  is  turned  you 
go  to  work  and  drag  your  family  over  here!  Just 
what  is  they  figurin'  on  doin'  in  America?  " 

"Oh,  but  it  will  be  charmant,"  she  says,  claspin* 
her  hands.  "They  are  going  to  come  and  live 
with  us  forever!'* 

At  that  I  let  forth  one  wildly  yell  and  fell  back 
flat  on  the  bed,  coverin'  my  head  with  the  bath's 
robe  so's  to  stifle  up  my  moans! 

"Come!"  says  Jeanne,  shakin*  me.  "We  must 
be  quick  or  we  will  miss  those  boat!" 

"I  wish  your  family  had  missed  it!"  I  hollers. 
"You  must  have  got  the  idea  that  you're  wed  to 
J.  P.  Morgan — /  can't  afford  to  keep  all  them 
relatives  and  that  chien  thing  of  yours.  Send  'em 
to  a  hotel  or  the  Salvation's  Army  and  be  done  with 
it!" 

"They  shall  stay  here,  Edouard,"  says  Jeanne, 
very  stern,  "and  you  should  feel  honoured  that  my 
family  have  consent  to  be  your  guests." 

"Yeh?"   I   says.     "Well,   get   this— Harmony 


272     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Hall  was  meant  for  my  home  and  not  no  road 
house.  They's  enough  of  your  family  here  right 
now,  the  same  bein'  you,  which  is  just  the  correct 
amount.  They  can  come  up  and  stay  a  coupla 
days  at  the  outside  and  then  you  will  have  to  make 
arrangements  to  park  them  somewheres  else  for  the 
winter  and  there's  that!" 

I  don't  like  to  be  harshly  with  my  charmin'  wife, 
Joe,  but  they  is  nothin'  like  bein'  firm  and  be  done 
with  it,  otherwise  a  spouse  loses  what  little  respect 
she  has  for  you  the  minute  she  finds  she  can  twist 
her  lord  and  master  around  her  thumb.  As  a  rule 
I  usually  give  in  to  what  Jeanne  wishes,  but  this 
here  was  one  matter  I  was  determined  to  have 
done  my  way,  because  sooner  or  later  a  husband 
has  got  to  put  his  feet  down,  hey  Joe? 

So  that  is  how  it  come  to  the  pass  that  Jeanne's 
family  and  the  chien  (le  dog)  took  up  headquarters 
in  my  house  and  the  indications  is  they  will  be 
here  'til  the  formerly  Crown's  Prince  of  Germany 
gets  elected  mayor  of  London  by  acclamation.  I 
am  nearly  crazy,  Joe,  from  listenin'  to  all  this 
jabberin'  in  French  day  and  night  and  of  course 
I  don't  know  whether  they're  all  knockin'  me  or 
not.  I  have  decided  to  kill  the  chien  at  my  earliest 
convenience  on  account  of  the  fact  that  I  have  got 
to  take  it  out  for  the  airin's  every  mornin'  and 


THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      273 

I  hope  you  had  a  merry  Xmas  and  got  the  $7.50 
cigar's  cutter  I  sent  you.  The  scratches  on  the 
side  of  it  don't  amount  to  nothin'  and  more  than 
likely  was  done  in  the  mail.  I  got  your  Xmas 
postal  card  on  time  and  it  certainly  was  nice  of  you 
to  remember  me  like  that,  Joe,  though  of  course  it 
is  a  gift  I  will  not  have  to  be  bothered  lockin'  up 
in  the  safe  every  night  or  anything  like  that, 
hey? 

Well,  so  long,  Joe,  I  have  got  to  go  upstairs  now 
and  drag  that  chien  around  in  the  snow  and  if  it  as 
much  as  lets  forth  a  sarcastical  bark  at  me  I  will 
assassinate  it! 

Yours  Truly, 

ED.    HARMON    (The   Well 
Known  Host). 


On  tlie  Banks  of  the  Hudson  Far  Away. 
Bon  Ami  JOE: 

Well,  Joseph  old  dear  and  all  that  sort  of  rot,  as 
we  remark  in  London,  I  am  the  happiest  guy  in  the 
world  not  countin'  Lenox  Avenue,  because  my 
family-in-the-law  has  pulled  up  the  stakes  and  de 
parted  for  Europe  and  I  am  once  more  the  reignin* 
monarch  in  my  own  home.  My  charmin'  wife's 
league  of  relations  includin'  the  chien  (,le  dog)  found 
that  a  few  days  at  Harmony  Hall  was  about  all 


274     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

they  could  take  and  how  they  come  to  leave  makes 
a  delightfully  story  full  of  human  interest  and  the 
etc.  which  would  be  worthy  of  the  typewriter  of  a 
Elinore  Glynn.  I  will  endeavour  to  tell  you  the 
thing  in  my  own  inimical  way,  because  Joe,  this  is 
the  last  letter  you  will  get  from  me  for  a  long  space 
of  time.  In  the  last  two  years  I  have  wrote  you 
more  letters  than  the  State  Department  sent  Mex 
ico  and  instead  of  treatin*  them  in  confidence  you 
have  gone  to  work  and  had  them  printed  so's  all 
the  world  can  see  them  and  read  all  about  my  most 
intimately  doin's  and  the  like. 

Also,  Joe,  whilst  we  are  on  the  subject,  who  is 
this  Arthur  William  &  Brown  which  you  have 
allowed  to  draw  imaginery  pictures  of  me  and 
Jeanne  and  my  baby?  Where  does  that  guy  get 
off  to  leave  out  the  dimple  in  my  chin  and  how 
much  jack  is  you  and  this  Brown  party  splittin* 
for  these  letters  of  mine,  hey?  It  looks  like  to  me 
as  if  I  am  bein'  trimmed  all  around  and  made  to 
like  it.  If  you  only  had  brains  enough  to  let  me 
know  you  had  to  have  pictures  to  go  with  my 
letters,  why  I  could  of  supplied  all  of  them  at  a 
price  which  I  feel  certain  would  be  lower  than  you 
must  of  paid  for  callin*  in  a  stranger. 

You  may  not  be  aware  of  the  facts  that  I  am 
looked  on  as  somethin'  of  the  painter,  myself, 
Joe  and  they  is  at  the  least  a  dozen  corpuscles  of 


THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS       275 

artists'  blood  coursin'  through  my  veins.  My 
first  cousin  Jules  Tish  swung  a  mean  whitewash 
brush  in  his  day  and  my  uncle  made  his  livin'  by 
bein'  handy  with  a  piece  of  chalk.  Of  course  he 
did  most  of  his  drawin'  on  the  sides  of  freight  cars 
and  he  was  down  on  the  payroll  under  the  headin' 
of  a  "checker,"  but  he  would  of  no  doubt  made  a 
name  for  himself  it  it  wasn't  for  the  scarcity  of 
models  for  the  particular  stuff  he  drawed.  The 
majority  of  his  works,  Joe,  was  called  "86  X48. 
Sealed.  O.  K. "  and  it  is  hard  to  get  models  to  pose 
for  that,  hey? 

But  to  get  back  to  the  point,  Joe,  I  have  taken 
the  liberty  of  drawin'  a  illustration  for  this  letter  to 
show,  viz.,  my  wife's  family  leavin'  Harmony  Hall 
to  go  back  to  those  dear  France.  This  is  a  ring 
side  sketch,  Joe,  and  whilst  it  might  be  a  trifle 
rough  in  spots,  you  must  remember  that  I  had 
but  two  scant  weeks  to  devote  to  it  and  toward  the 
end  I  had  to  depend  entirely  on  memory.  You 
ought  to  be  able  to  get  this  Arthur  William  & 
Brown  to  retouch  it  up  a  little  and  if  you  can  use  it 
I  will  let  you  have  it  for  exactly  what  the  materials 
I  used  cost  me.  I  can  have  this  done  in  olive  oil 
or  the  watery  colours  whichever  you  prefer  at  a 
slightly  additional  cost  and  whilst  the  paintin*  may 
be  a  little  rough,  as  I  say,  you  can  see  that  the 
talent  is  there. 


276     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 
Well,  Joe,  here  is  the  palntin*. 


You  can  see  from  my  drawin'  that  it  would  only 
be  a  matter  of  a  few  days  of  hard  study,  Joe,  before 
I  wouldst  be  able  to  make  these  guys  like  Arthur 
William  &  Brown,  Rube  Goldberg  and  this 
promisin'  recruit,  Mike  the  Angelo,  look  like  a 
merely  novice  but  why  should  I  take  the  bread  and 
butter  out  of  their  mouth?  I  believe  a  man  should 
stick  to  his  own  game  and  live  and  let  live,  hey 
Joe? 

But  to  get  away  from  the  arts  for  a  second,  I 
will  tell  you  about  the  reign  of  terror  which  I  had 
to  put  up  with  at  my  home  durin'  the  epidemic  of 
my  wife's  relations  and  also  how  the  scourge  was 


THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      277 

wiped  out  by  the  simple  use  of  diplomacy.  Joe,  I 
used  to  think  a  diplomat  was  a  rich  guy  which  the 
president  sent  to  South  Algeria  so's  to  get  the  pest 
out  of  ear  shot,  but  now  I  know  different  since  I 
tried  my  hand  at  diplomattin*  myself.  A  diplo 
mat,  Joe,  is  a  guy  which  let  us  take  for  the  example, 
ie,  he  is  at  a  ball  and  he  sees  a  woman  guest  which 
from  her  looks  wouldst  be  safe  anywheres  and  he 
turns  to  his  male  tete-a-tete  and  remarks.  "  What 
a  terrible  looker  that  dame  is,  hey?"  and  his 
vis-a-vis  then  says.  "That's  my  sister!"  Well, 
the  average  guy  would  be  dumfounded,  Joe,  but 
the  diplomat  lets  forth  a  pleasantly  smile  and  says, 
"Pardon  me,  old  man — I  thought  it  was  my 
wife!"  Thus  easin'  the  strains  of  a  delicate 
situation. 

Well,  Jeanne  and  me  went  down  to  the  pier  and 
welcomed  her  family  after  they  got  through 
attendin'  the  informal  reception  which  the  customs 
guys  give  them  and  then  they  all  piled  into  the  car. 
First  they  was  a  kissin'  bee  and  the  only  one  which 
didn't  osculate  me  was  the  chien  (le  dog).  He 
gimme  a  longin'  look  at  that,  but  I  would  of 
brained  the  intelligent  animal  if  it  had  took  a  step 
toward  me  so  he  content  himself  with  a  couple  of 
insultin'  barks.  Jeanne  refused  to  grant  me  the 
boon  of  ridin'  outside  with  the  chauffeur,  with 
the  result  that  all  the  ways  up  I  had  to  undergo  the 


278     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

torture  of  a  barrage  of  French  which  would  make 
the  Tower  of  Babel  sound  like  a  deaf  and  dumb 
class  asleep. 

I  devoted  my  time  on  the  trip  up,  Joe,  to 
thinkin'  of  ways  and  means  to  get  rid  of  my 
charmin'  bride's  relatives  without  havin'  to  face 
no  jury  as  a  result  of  my  endeavours,  but  I  guess 
bein*  in  the  movies  has  deadened  my  allowance  of 
brains  and  by  the  time  we  reached  the  portals  of 
my  home  I  was  still  in  what  is  known  as  a  quandry. 
I  had  plenty  of  time  though  to  look  over  the  lay 
out  and  I  see  the  folio  win';  First,  my  wife's  father 
is  a  aged  man  which  must  of  made  a  solemn  vow 
in  childhood  that  he  would  never  under  no  cir 
cumstances  allow  a  razor  to  be  plied  over  his  chin 
and  up  to  the  time  I  met  him  he  had  successfully 
resisted  all  attempts  to  wean  him  away  from  his 
oath;  Second,  my  mother-in-the-law  has  evidently 
fell  in  love  with  Fatty  Arbuckle's  figure  and  is 
determined  to  duplicate  it  come  what  may;  Third, 
my  brother-in-the-law  is  filled  with  the  idea  that 
the  subject  of  the  war  has  been  let  drop  too  quick 
and  therefor  he  wears  a  uneyform  to  remind  the 
innocent  bystander  of  it  and  not  content  with  that 
he  is  all  decorated  up  with  medals  like  Sousa's 
Band  or  the  etc.,  and  Fourth,  my  sister-in-the- 
law  is  one  of  the  prettiest  girls  you,  me  or  any 
body  else  ever  seen — outside  of  Jeanne.  As  for 


THE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      279 

the  chien  (le  dog),  the  less  said  the  better.  It  is 
what  is  knowed  to  the  trade  as  a  French  poodle, 
Joe,  and  apart  from  that  it  is  the  weirdest  lookin' 
animal  I  ever  seen  in  my  life  since  the  time  I  got 
gassed  and  delerious. 

Well,  we  fin'Iy  arrived  at  the  mansion  and  first 
we  have  a  sight-seeui'  trip  over  Harmony  Hall  with 
Jeanne  as  lecturer  and  me  as  deputy  guide.  As  a 
result  of  the  jaunt  around  the  place  I  seen  two 
rooms  I  never  knowed  we  had  before  and  then 
conies  blow  number  one.  My  mother-in-the-law 
gets  infatuated  with  my  personally  bouidoir  and 
claims  she  wouldn't  consider  sleepin'  nowheres 
else  and  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  I  wig  wagged 
Jeanne  behind  her  back  'til  I  rip  the  seam  in  my 
coat  sleeve,  Jeanne  immediately  bequeaths  her 
the  room.  I  controlled  myself  with  the  greatest  of 
difficulty,  Joe,  when  my  wife  stakes  my  brother-in- 
the-law  to  a  set  of  my  best  pajamas  which  was 
gave  me  by  Phil  Bloom  on  my  most  recent  birthday 
and  to  change  the  subject  I  went  out  and  brung 
in  my  baby. 

The  minute  I  come  in  the  room,  my  mother-in- 
the-law  presented  me  with  one  terrible  look  and 
then  commence  to  holler  murder  in  French  about 
the  way  I  am  holdin*  the  child.  To  the  accompa 
niment  of  some  shoulder  shakin'  which  would  make 
Bee  Palmer  and  Gilda  Gray  go  out  and  take 


280    THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

carbolic,  Joe,  my  own  legally  child  is  snatched 
away  from  me  and  whilst  I  am  still  boilin'  with 
the  honest  rage  I  happen  to  glance  around  and  see 
my  brother-in-the-law  grabbin*  off  a  handful  of 
some  imported  Turkish  cigarettes  (advt)  which 
come  to  me  by  the  via  of  a  Xmas  present  from 
Steve  Eller,  the  last  of  the  bartenders. 

Joe,  by  this  time  I  am  the  logical  candidate  for 
the  straight  jacket  and  Jeanne  is  payin'  the  same 
amount  of  attention  to  me  that  a  elephant  lavishes 
on  a  flea.  Then  comes  the  last  straws  which 
bust  the  camel's  hump.  My  sister-in-the-law, 
which  has  been  devotin'  the  majority  of  her  time 
to  pettin*  the  chien,  grants  me  the  boon  of  a 
critical  gaze  and  then  turns  to  Jeanne  and  tears 
off  a  coupla  yards  of  French.  This  is  translated 
to  me  practically  immediately,  Joe,  and  the  gist  of 
the  thing  is  that  I  have  got  to  take  Toto,  le  chien, 
out  for  a  airin*. 

Before  I  know  what  I  am  doin*  Jeanne  has 
throwed  my  fur's  coat  around  me  and  pushed  me 
out  into  the  snow  with  this  infernally  chien  on  a 
string  and  the  instructions  not  to  come  back  for  a 
hour.  I  am  so  frantically  mad  that  I  would  of 
been  willin'  to  take  on  a  mountain's  lion  at  catch- 
weights  and  stake  the  lion  to  the  first  coupla  falls. 
I  drag  this  chien  hithers  and  yon  oft  in  the  stilly 
night  and  the  first  time  it  started  to  bark  I  growled 


TEE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      281 

at  it  so  ferociously  that  it  quit  cold  and  devoted  it 
self  to  whinin'  and  tryin'  to  hide  in  the  snow. 
Well,  Joe,  I  am  walkin*  along  keepin*  my  lonely 
vigil,  as  Hamlet  was  often  heard  to  remark,  and 
thinkin'  of  my  cruel  fate  when  I  all  but  bump  into 
another  guy  which  is  likewise  at  the  one  end  of  a 
chain  that  has  a  dog  at  the  other  end.  Of  course 
from  that  I  can  immediately  see  that  he  is  a  hus 
band,  Joe,  and  we  both  size  each  other  up  without 
sayin'  nothin',  but  each  hopin5  the  other  would 
break  up  the  ice  and  speak.  Fin'ly  he  looks  at  me 
and  gives  vent  to  a  cough. 

"Fine  animal  you  got  there,"  he  says.  "French 
poodle,  hey?" 

"  Yeh,"  I  says.  "And  I'll  make  you  a  gift  of  it 
right  now  if  you  are  inclined  to  dogs!" 

Well,  Joe,  he  laughs. 

"I  know  just  how  you  feel,"  he  says,  "and  you 
ain't  got  nothin'  on  me.  I  have  got  to  take  this 
here  Pomeranian  out  twice  a  day  so's  we  can 
have  a  little  peace  in  the  family.  I  been  doin' 
this  for  a  year,  but  believe  me,  to-night  is  the 
last  night!  I  am  gettin*  sick  and  tired  of  bein' 
a  governess  for  a  dog  and  when  I  bring  this 
beagle  in  this  evenin'  I'm  gonna  declare  myself. 
Either  me  or  the  frankfurter  goes!  Am  I  right 
or  wrong?" 

Well,  Joe,  that  was  just  what  I  was  lookin'  for 


282    THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

and  in  another  minute  me  and  this  guy  is  as  thick 
as  glue  on  account  of  our  havin'  the  common  bond 
of  bein'  exercise  boys  for  a  coupla  dogs.  I  suppose 
we  must  of  talked  for  the  best  part  of  the  hour 
and  when  we  parted  it  was  impossible  to  wring 
another  drop  outa  the  flask  he  carried  for  medicinal 
purposes.  Also  we  both  swore  a  oath  to  go  home 
and  get  a  showdown  on  the  question  of  canines 
from  our  prospective  wives. 

Marie,  the  imported  maid,  meets  me  at  the  door. 
I  am  pale  and  cool,  Joe,  with  the  most  deadly  calm. 
I  remember  feelin'  the  same  way  the  first  time  we 
went  up  to  the  front  a  coupla  years  ago.  Come 
what  may  I  have  made  up  my  mind  that  the  league 
of  relations  must  go!  I  immediately  adopt  my 
second  lieutenant's  manner. 

"Send  Mrs.  Harmon  here  at  once — snap  into 
it ! "  I  barks  at  Marie. 

She  gimme  a  startled  look  and  beat  it. 

Joe,  I  have  made  up  my  mind  just  what  I'm 
gonna  do.  I'm  gonna  hurl  Jeanne's  family  out  in 
the  snow  for  a  starter  and  then 

And  then,  Joe,  Jeanne  comes  out.  I  must  of 
squandered  more  time  than  I  thought  with  this 
other  dog  guy,  because  she  is  in  evenin's  clothes 
and  they  is  sounds  of  revelry  within.  She  gimme 
one  searchin*  look  and  then,  Joe,  she  bestows  a 
chastely  salute  on  my  forehead,  standin*  on  her 


TEE  LEAGUE  OF  RELATIONS      283 

toes  and  with  her  face  very  flushed  and  the 
like. 

"Edouard, "  she  says,  still  with  her  arms  around 
me  and  why  not.  "I  have  the  delightful  sur 
prises  for  you.  I— 

"Hey,  listen!"  I  says.  "I  am  fed  up  with  them 
delightfully  surprise  of  yours  and  this  last  one  you 
pulled  will  do  me  for  some  time.  Now  that  family 
of  yours  has " 

"They  leave  on  the  very  next  steamer,"  sayg 
Jeanne.  "They  will  not  stay  here  now  because — 
because — Edouard,  you  will  never  guess!" 

"Shoot!"  I  says.  "I  can't  stand  no  more  sus 
pense." 

"Viola!"  says  Jeanne,  with  a  giggle.  "They 
have  just  learn  of  this — what  you  call  prohibition 
and — well  they  cannot  have  those  wine  with  the 
dinner,  then  poof — they  go  back  to  France! 
N'est  ce  pas?" 

Joe,  I  come  near  swoonin*  with  simple  joy. 
Three  rousin'  cheers  for  prohibition,  hey? 

"Kill  me  whilst  I'm  happy!"  I  hollers.  "Now 
what's  the  other  surprise?" 

Joe,  Jeanne  gets  colours  that  the  rainbow  never 
seen.  She  reaches  up  and  puts  her  mouth  close  to 
my  shell  like  ear. 

"Well— what  is  it?"  I  says. 

"Edouard "  whispers  Jeanne,  "  We        " 


284     THERE'S  NO  BASE  LIKE  HOME 

Joe,  you  big  stiff — why  don't  you  get  wed? 
Hey — get  this — I'm  gonna  be  to  another  father! 
Yours  Truly, 

ED.  HARMON  (I  hope  it's  a  girl  Joe,  be 
cause  that  will  just  make  up  the  set!) 


THE   END 


THE  COUNTRY  LIFE  PRESS 
GARDEN  CITY,  N.  Y. 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A    001  446  479    6 


